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Going on vacation without DH...should I?

DH and I had been talking about taking a short trip to the beach at the end of the summer, the week after labor day, which is one of his few Saturdays off.  That coincided with when my parents and I go to Virginia Beach together most years, but obviously DH's work schedule is more of a priority.  His company is in a bit of upheaval, so he's been working a bunch of extra days lately and him having off can't be counted on.

So on Friday my mom texted me asking if I wanted to go to VA Aug 27-31 and had to know right away because my dad was booking it right then.  I said sure, because that wasn't when DH and I were planning to go away, so that would work out perfectly if he could get the time from his job after all.

DH is apparently in disbelief that I will still go away for 5 days with my parents now that we're married.  My parents didn't go last year because they had to fly to CA for a memorial service for my dad's sister, but I'm pretty sure I went without him the first year we were together.

Is this totally weird?  I can see if I was going on some big vacation with friends and using "our" money to do it, how that would be more bothersome, but I just stay in my parents' room and it's not a big deal.  I may still go with friends if it came up, but I can see where that would warrant more discussion. 

Do you think I'm being unreasonable?  Do you go on vacation without your SO? 

I don't know, I just feel really weird thinking that I should have asked him, even though this is a long standing tradition, just because we're married now...

BTW, he has no interest in going because he doesn't want to hang out with my parents.  Oh, I also booked our beach trip today for Sept 9.

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Re: Going on vacation without DH...should I?

  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited August 2015
    I do not think it's strange at all.   I've spent a Thanksgiving with my entire family in the St Thomas without DH (we had moved back to the states at that point).  He had to work.  2 years later I flew out to my sister's for thanksgiving.  Again he had to work.

    I've flown out to my parents a few times without DH.   On Jan 1 or 2 of 2014 my sister called and asked if I wanted to meet her in Florida for the Orange Bowl.  It was 3 or 4 days later.  I said sure.  DH was at home.

    On the flip side DH has gone on vacation without me too.

    My parents own a beach house.   All of 4 of us are married and at one point or another all of us have visited our parents without our spouse.  Sometimes the in-laws come without our siblings.  

    As long as you are not using up all of your vacation time and can afford the trip, I see no problem with vacationing with your family.


    ETA - my entire family is across the country from me.  It's not like they are down the street.

    I also do not feel that just because I'm married time with my family needs to be a joint thing nor do I feel like I have to stop doing things with them.   Assuming there is time and money,  my husband would not be my husband if he even suggested I could not visit and/or go on vacation with my family simply because he doesn't want to and/or is working.  






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    luckya23vikinganna87huskypuppy14Jaslorraine22
  • Thanks for your perspective, @lyndausvi!  I think we are in a similar situation as you and your H, since my DH works nights and sleeps all day, when he has these extra days at work, we barely have time to speak much less see each other. 

    It doesn't feel right to me that I should stay home, mostly alone, in case there may a few hours to hang out, instead of going on my normal family vacation.

    I think his main concern is missing each other, which is certainly a big possibility, but such is life I guess!

    Mind you, he only brought this up at all as he was walking out the door this evening, leaving me to ponder alone if I was in the wrong here...

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    lyndausvijenna8984
  • Not weird at all. I'm not married yet but even being engaged I went to Key West with my family. If the opportunity came up again I would go.


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    luckya23vikinganna87
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Even DH thinks it's pretty silly for me to miss out of something, whether it be vacation or a holiday, when he will be just working and sleeping anyway.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    luckya23
  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited August 2015
    For me, I would find it weird for my spouse to decide to go off on a fun trip without me without discussing it with me. My understanding of partnership means we run things by each other and don't commit to things without talking about it. Even if the end result is going on the trip, which I think sounds fine, and even if it's a long tradition, to me being married means when your mom says she has to know right now, the answer is, well sorry I can't tell you right now, because I need to talk to husband about it first.
    KeyToHisHeart2017
  • For me, I would find it weird for my spouse to decide to go off on a fun trip without me without discussing it with me. My understanding of partnership means we run things by each other and don't commit to things without talking about it. Even if the end result is going on the trip, which I think sounds fine, and even if it's a long tradition, to me being married means when your mom says she has to know right now, the answer is, well sorry I can't tell you right now, because I need to talk to husband about it first.

    We actually were out to dinner on Friday night when she texted me, and I said to him "Oh mom wants to go to VA beach early this year!  That's perfect, so I can still go to that and go with you in September!"  He didn't say anything to that, it was only as he was leaving for work today that he said "I didn't think you were really going!" 

    No idea where he got that idea, since I had been talking about this conflict for at least 2 weeks!


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  • luckya23 said:



    For me, I would find it weird for my spouse to decide to go off on a fun trip without me without discussing it with me. My understanding of partnership means we run things by each other and don't commit to things without talking about it. Even if the end result is going on the trip, which I think sounds fine, and even if it's a long tradition, to me being married means when your mom says she has to know right now, the answer is, well sorry I can't tell you right now, because I need to talk to husband about it first.



    We actually were out to dinner on Friday night when she texted me, and I said to him "Oh mom wants to go to VA beach early this year!  That's perfect, so I can still go to that and go with you in September!"  He didn't say anything to that, it was only as he was leaving for work today that he said "I didn't think you were really going!" 

    No idea where he got that idea, since I had been talking about this conflict for at least 2 weeks!




    Ha well no, in that case my answer is that he needs to use his words because you aren't a mind reader!
    [Deleted User]
  • For me, I would find it weird for my spouse to decide to go off on a fun trip without me without discussing it with me. My understanding of partnership means we run things by each other and don't commit to things without talking about it. Even if the end result is going on the trip, which I think sounds fine, and even if it's a long tradition, to me being married means when your mom says she has to know right now, the answer is, well sorry I can't tell you right now, because I need to talk to husband about it first.

    We actually were out to dinner on Friday night when she texted me, and I said to him "Oh mom wants to go to VA beach early this year!  That's perfect, so I can still go to that and go with you in September!"  He didn't say anything to that, it was only as he was leaving for work today that he said "I didn't think you were really going!" 

    No idea where he got that idea, since I had been talking about this conflict for at least 2 weeks!


    Ha well no, in that case my answer is that he needs to use his words because you aren't a mind reader!
    Bolded for truth!!

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    kimmiinthemitten
  • For me, I would find it weird for my spouse to decide to go off on a fun trip without me without discussing it with me. My understanding of partnership means we run things by each other and don't commit to things without talking about it. Even if the end result is going on the trip, which I think sounds fine, and even if it's a long tradition, to me being married means when your mom says she has to know right now, the answer is, well sorry I can't tell you right now, because I need to talk to husband about it first.

    We actually were out to dinner on Friday night when she texted me, and I said to him "Oh mom wants to go to VA beach early this year!  That's perfect, so I can still go to that and go with you in September!"  He didn't say anything to that, it was only as he was leaving for work today that he said "I didn't think you were really going!" 

    No idea where he got that idea, since I had been talking about this conflict for at least 2 weeks!


    Ha well no, in that case my answer is that he needs to use his words because you aren't a mind reader!
    I agree!


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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Not an OMH yet,but I've travleled to visit my sister and have taken girls trips multiple times since we've been dating. He has also gone on trips with his brother and dad. I think if either of us were going someplace the other really wanted to for the first time we'd have a problem with it, but that's it.
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    luckya23vikinganna87
  • My H is a little like this... he seems a bit clingy (for lack of a better word) and has gotten disappointed a couple times when I've scheduled something without him. Like your DH, he also works really hard and is out of town several days a week and his schedule is not as flexible as mine. He's told me how much he really values the time that we do spend together. He also isn't close with his family and doesn't have many friends, so basically whatever social things he does it's always with me. I also suspect it has something to do with being newlyweds, and it will diminish in time. I've had a few conversations with him though, which seem to have been really helpful, establishing that it's important for me to have "me" time, and that we can still be a loving, devoted couple without spending every moment together. I compromise by making sure I call him every day that we're not together, if only for 5 minutes to say "hi, I love you." Anyway, I suspect if you have an honest conversation with your H and say "Hey, I'm going to miss you a ton, but it's important for me to spend some time with my family. I can't wait until our beach trip together though, when we can spend the whole time together and we don't have to deal with my family!" or something to that effect. He'll come around :)
    [Deleted User]vikinganna87
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I've traveled to visit my family without my husband when he couldn't get away from work. I don't think it's all that strange, but I think if he is that upset about it, you might want to reconsider for this year and give yourselves time to talk about it and figure out how to handle this stuff for the future.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    ShesSoColdthisismynickname2
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    We're actually leaving Friday for our annual beach vacation with my family. This year will be the first time in about 5 years that DH has been able to come. Usually, I go without him. Even though he's going, he still has to come home a few days before me.

    I also go on trips with friends without DH from time to time. I'm actually looking into a trip to Thailand with a friend this fall. DH is out of PTO, so he can't go. Although we have to discuss the money aspects of these sort of things, he would never want me to miss out on a trip because he couldn't go, and vice versa. 
    vikinganna87
  • As long as you mentioned it to him before booking it and you going wouldn't jeopardize anything you would do together (ie you wouldn't have the vacation days left for a trip later with him or not enough $$). We just got married but the last 2 years I've gone and visited my parents at their FL place by myself and I plan to do it again this coming Feb/March. Likewise he has gone on a big ski trip with friends, although we talked about me going on that this next year. He has no issue with me going to see my parents and would have no desire to go there either (its in a retirement type place lol) so it works out.
  • DH just went on a road trip with a buddy of his.   I'm glad that they had the opportunity to do something so fun.

    I think the big issue here is that your H wasn't using his words.   Before DH booked the trip, we talked and he asked how I'd feel if he went.   In our case it affects childcare but I think that your H needs to speak up more.

    kimmiinthemittenOliveOilsMom
  • jenna8984jenna8984 clam bakes & patriots member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I'm with PP- this sounds 100% reasonable to me!

                                                                     

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    vikinganna87
  • I don't think this is weird at all. I'm planning a vacation with my girlfriends over his birthday next year and texted him to ask if he'd be disappointed that I'm missing his birthday. If so, we'd move the trip. He didn't even bat an eyelash. Literally the only reason I brought it up with him before deciding to go is that I'd miss his birthday. When I tell him "I'm going to [insert random city] with the girls to see [weird tourist attraction] and do [weird activity]" his response is always "Ok! You girls have fun. Do you need a ride to the airport?"

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    [Deleted User]vikinganna87
  • Both H and my families have cottages around the province. As H works almost every weekend, I head up to my cabin with my family while he's working and if he miraculously gets a weekend off, we head up to his cabin.   If he's working, what would you be doing anyway? I know I'd be finding something to binge-watch on Netflix. 
  • I don't think you're out of line at all. Like PP have said, I'd definitely talk to my H about it first but it sounds like you did that. 

    I don't see a problem with an SO taking a trip with their family (or friends or whatever). In fact, H's parents invited us on a trip (I think it's this weekend?) and I didn't want to commit because of health issues, but I encouraged H to just go without me and have fun. 
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    vikinganna87
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Confession:  I wish DH would visit his hometown without me from time-to-time.   I like going to see the family every now and then, but it's so damn exahusting for me.  We are always on the move.  We have to go visit EVERY ONE.   Seriously we have to hit up like 6 different bars in one night just to be able to "see" all  his buddies (all of whom either work or own each of the places).






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    H and I do separate trips all the time.  Our discussions about them go as such "Hey H, I am going to go and see my parents in October." Or "Hey Wife, me and my buddies are going to go to Ultra in March down in Miami."  For us a discussion is not really necessary, but rather more of a heads up. Last minute things do come up from time to time, but as long as it doesn't overlap something we already have planned then neither of us really care.  Hell I have even booked plane tickets before even mentioning a future trip to H.  But then again, we have pretty typical trips we take each year (separately) so nothing is usually a big surprise.

    But I think it is silly of him to think that you and he can no longer go on separate vacations now that you are married.

  • lyndausvi said:
    Confession:  I wish DH would visit his hometown without me from time-to-time.   I like going to see the family every now and then, but it's so damn exahusting for me.  We are always on the move.  We have to go visit EVERY ONE.   Seriously we have to hit up like 6 different bars in one night just to be able to "see" all  his buddies (all of whom either work or own each of the places).
    OMG yes this.  His hometown is a crappy town in Wyoming and it's so boring.  I encourage him to go alone sometimes but he says he misses me and always wants me to go.  Once a year at Christmas is usually good enough for me.
    Married 9.12.15
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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    My H is currently on vacation without me. And I go out of town at least once a year (usually a weekend) without him. As long as you talk about and agree to it, I don't see a problem. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited August 2015
    lyndausvi said:
    Confession:  I wish DH would visit his hometown without me from time-to-time.   I like going to see the family every now and then, but it's so damn exahusting for me.  We are always on the move.  We have to go visit EVERY ONE.   Seriously we have to hit up like 6 different bars in one night just to be able to "see" all  his buddies (all of whom either work or own each of the places).
    Yes!

    I hate going back home with DH. We always have to stay at his mom's house because she freaks out if we get a hotel or stay with FIL, but there isn't a spare bedroom. So we sleep on the couch, or we sleep in SIL's room and she sleeps on the couch. It's so uncomfortable! I keep telling DH to just go without me.
  • NowIamMrsKleinNowIamMrsKlein Cold Canadian North (British Columbia) member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Before my FI's schedule changed he used to go visit MY parents without me. haha. That bothered me a bit simply because he got to see my parents more than I did. I also insisted that he spend the money and fly to see his parents for a week because I couldn't get the time off work and knew it would be months before I could, so I didn't think it was fair to him to wait to go until I could go.

    Of course we would always rather the other person could come with us, it's not always logical and we would never begrudge the other person of still going, as long as we run it by each other first (which it sounds like you did).
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    vikinganna87
  • FWIW, the only time this would be an issue is if DH wanted to use all his available time without me.   Then I'd be upset.

    But for me, it's not a big deal for him to use some of that time to have fun with his friends.   I think it makes the two of us appreciate each other a bit more. 
  • I vacation all the time without FI and he does the same. I would hate to have to ask permission, we are a unit but we are both independent adults so I don't need his "OK" to do something if I have the money and same for him. The conversation goes more along the lines of "do we have anything going the week of X?" "nope" "OK, I'm going to go to this place with these people for the weekend" "awesome, have fun".

    I personally find it strange that he assumed that just because you are married now you wouldn't go on an annual trip with your family, it's not like it is a new thing for you. 

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    vikinganna87
  • Cookie PusherCookie Pusher Looking over your shoulder member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm pretty sure I've traveled more WITHOUT my husband than I have with him. Our schedules just don't always match up, and I spent a lot of my years doing consulting/freelance work enjoying the freedom of making my own schedule by traveling A LOT by myself.
    ~*~*~*~*~

    vikinganna87
  • edited August 2015
    lyndausvi said:
    Confession:  I wish DH would visit his hometown without me from time-to-time.   I like going to see the family every now and then, but it's so damn exahusting for me.  We are always on the move.  We have to go visit EVERY ONE.   Seriously we have to hit up like 6 different bars in one night just to be able to "see" all  his buddies (all of whom either work or own each of the places).
    Yes!

    I hate going back home with DH. We always have to stay at his mom's house because she freaks out if we get a hotel or stay with FIL, but there isn't a spare bedroom. So we sleep on the couch, or we sleep in SIL's room and she sleeps on the couch. It's so uncomfortable! I keep telling DH to just go without me.
    Nope, nope, nope.  I'd deal with mom's freak-out over my hotel stay before I slept on the couch as a grown adult in a non-emergency situation.  Invite her to your house and ask her to sleep on your couch for a while and see how she likes it. 
    STARMOON44
  • Thanks everyone!

    I haven't had a chance to talk to DH because I was in NYC for work today during the 30 min I see him in the afternoon. But I'm glad I'm not too crazy!

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