Looking for the right words

AW3380 · August 2015

I have a very good friend from college who I want to invite to be a bridesmaid but she and her husband are having some financial difficulties at this time. I realize the best option is to extend the invitation to her and if she feels she cannot participate in that way, for her to tell me that. But I am struggling with the words on how to approach the subject without insulting her. Looking for suggestions on what to say to approach this subject delicately. Thanks!!

MairePoppy · August 2015

You're making this harder than it should be. Just ask her to be your bm. She will accept or decline. Once you have your wedding party lined up, you should ask each bm, privately, for her dress budget. Choose something within the lowest range.

If your friend decides to be in your wedding party, you could help her out by inviting her stay at your place and providing meals if travell is involved. If she declines due to financial reasons, don't pressure her to change her mind.

AW3380 · August 2015

I guess my concern is could it be considered hurtful to say something like "I understand finances are very tight for you right now and if being a bridesmaid would be too much of a financial commitment for you I would rather you be there as a guest than not at all."

climbingsingle · August 2015

Do not bring up her finances. Just ask her if she'd like to be a bridesmaid. She can make the decision if she's able to do it.

beachyone15 · August 2015

Don't mention anything about her finances. That will just sound like you are talking down to her. Pretend you know nothing about her financial situation and ask her as you would any other friend.

aurianna · August 2015

Agree with PPs. Just ask her.
If she follows up with something like, "well, what would be expected of me?" then you respond with something like this: "Nothing except show up the day of the wedding in the dress and stand beside me. I don't know what type of dress yet but once I have everyone's dress budget we can go from there."

And if you want to make it reeeeally easy for her, with the dress just tell the girls something like "Just pick out whatever *insert color* dress of *insert chosen length* you want." That way she can even potentially use something she already owns or find a really good deal on something.

Casadena · August 2015

I agree 100% with PP's.

Also, just to be clear - the only expense/responsibility that a BM should have is to purchase her dress and stand with you on your wedding day.

Side note: this is why I always advocate for no bridal party expenses above and beyond what a normal guest would incur (i.e. travel and hotel most likely). I know etiquette/tradition says the bridemaids are responsible for their attire but I think it's silly to essentially make someone pay for the honor of standing with you at your wedding. I personally think that it should be the responsibility of the bride and groom to budget for wedding party attire if they are dictating it at all. Just my personal opinion and I know most people don't do that. But if you did, it would eliminate these types of situations.

AddieCake · August 2015

I would be very annoyed if you brought up my finances while asking me to be a bridesmaid.

MairePoppy · August 2015

Don't bring up your friends financial situation, even if she's mentioned it to you before. She's an adult and it's up to her to decide what's in in budget.

peachy13 · August 2015

Just ask her. If I was feeling down, my day would really be brightened if a close friend asked me to be in her wedding. Don't bring up finances until after she accepts to be your bridesmaid. When it's a good time, talk to her about how much she'd be able to spend on a dress and pick a dress within her budget. Other than the dress, she should not have to be financially responsible for anything else in your wedding.

AW3380 · August 2015

In this case it would be dress and travel expenses since she lives out of town. She does have family in the area so there is the option of staying with them. Like you all have said, I will just ask her like I am everyone else and take things from there.

Jen4948 · August 2015

Just ask her without bringing up her finances. That could make her feel patronized. Get a budget from her and fit her dress and travel expenses into that budget. If she herself says that anything you want from her is too expensive for her, tell her that she doesn't need to foot the bill. Just let her off the hook for those things.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

AW3380 said:

In this case it would be dress and travel expenses since she lives out of town. She does have family in the area so there is the option of staying with them. Like you all have said, I will just ask her like I am everyone else and take things from there.

But she would pay for her travel expenses to your wedding whether she was a bridesmaid or if she was a guest, right? So I think you need to take travel expenses out of the equation.

littlepep · August 2015

Do NOT bring up finances. That's awkward. Just ask her and she will say yes or no. But please don't ask her in front of a group or some elaborate "proposal" thing. It will be make it more pressure for her to say yes.

Looking for the right words

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