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Being grilled by the "former" bridesmaid about my guest list

Knottie17311410Knottie17311410 member
10 Comments
in Wedding Party
A few months ago, I posted about my friend who decided a few weeks after she agreed to be in my wedding, that she no longer wanted to be a bridesmaid because she felt the next wedding she should be in should be her own. My feelings were hurt and felt that her reasoning was a little selfish, but I've moved past it. 

Fast forward, and my fiance and I make the decision that we will have a family-only wedding and not invite friends to keep our guest count low. 

Now it turns out that my friend who is no longer a bridesmaid is upset with me because she felt like she was "un-invited"  from the wedding because we decided to keep the guest list at just family.  She is like family to me, but technically, she's not part of my family. My 1 bridesmaid that was left and my fiance's groomsman happen to both be family members, so it made the decision easier for us.  But believe me, if we could have all of our friends and family there, we would, we just have to mindful of our budget.  

Am I wrong for not including my friend and former-bridesmaid as a guest? I feel like my really good friends would be offended if they found out that I actually had a friend at the wedding and an invitation wasn't extended to them. 

Thoughts?
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Re: Being grilled by the "former" bridesmaid about my guest list

  • justsiejustsie member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Knottie17311410 said:
    A few months ago, I posted about my friend who decided a few weeks after she agreed to be in my wedding, that she no longer wanted to be a bridesmaid because she felt the next wedding she should be in should be her own. My feelings were hurt and felt that her reasoning was a little selfish, but I've moved past it. 

    Fast forward, and my fiance and I make the decision that we will have a family-only wedding and not invite friends to keep our guest count low. 

    Now it turns out that my friend who is no longer a bridesmaid is upset with me because she felt like she was "un-invited"  from the wedding because we decided to keep the guest list at just family.  She is like family to me, but technically, she's not part of my family. My 1 bridesmaid that was left and my fiance's groomsman happen to both be family members, so it made the decision easier for us.  But believe me, if we could have all of our friends and family there, we would, we just have to mindful of our budget.  

    Am I wrong for not including my friend and former-bridesmaid as a guest? I feel like my really good friends would be offended if they found out that I actually had a friend at the wedding and an invitation wasn't extended to them. 

    Thoughts?


    BOXXXX


    I agree with your friend, it does sound like you "uninvited" her from the wedding, since you did originally invite her to come to the wedding. Have your plans (date, location, etc) completely changed to the point that you have basically cancelled your orignaial wedding? 
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I can see how she feels like that. She most likely expected to still be a guest at your wedding. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I would probably feel the same way.   You made the choices you did but if she was close enough to be a BM, I think she has every right to feel rather chapped that she didn't make the guest list.   It sounds like sour grapes on your part. 
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    By inviting her to be in your wedding you basically invited her to the wedding.  Just because she chose to no longer be in your wedding for whatever reason doesn't mean that she should be uninvited from the wedding as well.  So yeah, I agree with your friend.  You basically have uninvited her.  You say this person is like family to you and was someone that you felt so close to that you asked them to be in your wedding, but yet you now refuse to invite her because she is not an actual blood relative.  Sounds kind of shitty to me.

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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited August 2015
    Etiquette says that if you verbally invite someone to your wedding, you can't uninvite them. 

    Inviting her to be a BM was a verbal invite to the wedding. Refusing to invite her at all is rude and comes off petty. I get that she hurt your feelings, but that's no reason to end the friendship. If she was close enough to be a BM, she should be invited to the wedding. 

    ETA: if your friends are upset that she is invited and they aren't, they are the same petty people that would have been upset at her being a BM and them being guests. Their opinion doesn't matter. 
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    This would upset me if I were in her shoes. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    I don't blame her for being upset by suddenly being uninvited, because that's what you did by asking her to be a bridesmaid and then telling her she isn't invited anymore.
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  • Knottie17311410Knottie17311410 member
    10 Comments
    scribe95 said:

    Also, I see from your previous posts that your wedding vision has changed a bit so I definitely see why she is upset. At first it was close friends and family - 80 people. Then just 50 people, then family only.

    If you have been talking to her as if she's invited all along - cause she was originally - then duh, she has every right to be annoyed.

    That's true, our wedding has changed and invites haven't been sent yet. Our decision was soley due to budget and it's unfortunate that the couple turns into the people who are the villains when we are just trying to celebrate our union. Like I mentioned before I'm very sad that none of our friends will be there, but if I decided to invite my friends that means my FH should be able to invite his friends too and at this point, unfortunately, we can't afford it and since my FH's family is large, we decided we needed to keep it to just the family . Just like people can change their mind about coming to or being in a wedding, if the couple hasn't sent out invites why is it in bad taste to change our minds about splurging on a wedding???
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  • justsiejustsie member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 2015
    Knottie17311410 said:
    Also, I see from your previous posts that your wedding vision has changed a bit so I definitely see why she is upset. At first it was close friends and family - 80 people. Then just 50 people, then family only.
    If you have been talking to her as if she's invited all along - cause she was originally - then duh, she has every right to be annoyed.
    That's true, our wedding has changed and invites haven't been sent yet. Our decision was soley due to budget and it's unfortunate that the couple turns into the people who are the villains when we are just trying to celebrate our union. Like I mentioned before I'm very sad that none of our friends will be there, but if I decided to invite my friends that means my FH should be able to invite his friends too and at this point, unfortunately, we can't afford it and since my FH's family is large, we decided we needed to keep it to just the family . Just like people can change their mind about coming to or being in a wedding, if the couple hasn't sent out invites why is it in bad taste to change our minds about splurging on a wedding???
    But you did invite your friend, by asking her to be a BM you invited her to the wedding. A verbal invite is still an invite.

    ETA: you're allowed to change your mind about the budget of your wedding. That being said, you can't un-invite people that you have previously invited because of it. 
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I would totally feel the same.    Like it or not you verbally invited her. It was like an STD.   It's very much in bad taste to change your minds later.      








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • Knottie17311410Knottie17311410 member
    10 Comments
    Maggie0829 said:


    Knottie17311410 said:

    scribe95 said:

    Also, I see from your previous posts that your wedding vision has changed a bit so I definitely see why she is upset. At first it was close friends and family - 80 people. Then just 50 people, then family only.

    If you have been talking to her as if she's invited all along - cause she was originally - then duh, she has every right to be annoyed.

    That's true, our wedding has changed and invites haven't been sent yet. Our decision was soley due to budget and it's unfortunate that the couple turns into the people who are the villains when we are just trying to celebrate our union. Like I mentioned before I'm very sad that none of our friends will be there, but if I decided to invite my friends that means my FH should be able to invite his friends too and at this point, unfortunately, we can't afford it and since my FH's family is large, we decided we needed to keep it to just the family . Just like people can change their mind about coming to or being in a wedding, if the couple hasn't sent out invites why is it in bad taste to change our minds about splurging on a wedding???

    It isn't bad to change your mind and guest list as long as you haven't verbally invited anyone. But you did verbally invite this friend to come to your wedding when you asked her to be a BM.

    But if she decided to no longer to be a bridesmaid while our plans were still being decided (at that point we hadn't even chosen a venue yet) how is this equal to being formally invited to the wedding? I just think it would be strange to have her and her guest there as the only nonfamily members.
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  • Knottie17311410Knottie17311410 member
    10 Comments
    Oh and let me add that there wasn't a wedding date chosen at the time she declined being in the wedding, so I would respectfully disagree that asking her to be bridesmaid is like a save the date.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    Knottie17311410 said:
    Oh and let me add that there wasn't a wedding date chosen at the time she declined being in the wedding, so I would respectfully disagree that asking her to be bridesmaid is like a save the date.
    Still does not matter.  You still invited her to your wedding.  I don't care how little there was planned.

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  • Knottie17311410Knottie17311410 member
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    Maggie0829 said:

    And I am sorry but I think it is kind of crappy that this person who is a near and dear friend and someone that you consider family, you are now uninviting to your wedding.  Just because she may not be related to you by blood does not mean that she is any less family then those who share your DNA.  I think you are holding the fact that she decided to no longer be a BM against her.  What would you have done if she was still a BM but decided to invite only family?  Would you have told her "sorry but you can't be a BM anymore because you aren't family and those are the only people we are inviting"?

    I have many friends whom I'm close with who weren't asked to be the wedding but I would love for them to be invited. If my friend had said yes to being in the wedding, then of course she would still be on the invite list and I would have had to figure out 2 family members to remove from the list to make it work for our budget.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    Knottie17311410 said:
    And I am sorry but I think it is kind of crappy that this person who is a near and dear friend and someone that you consider family, you are now uninviting to your wedding.  Just because she may not be related to you by blood does not mean that she is any less family then those who share your DNA.  I think you are holding the fact that she decided to no longer be a BM against her.  What would you have done if she was still a BM but decided to invite only family?  Would you have told her "sorry but you can't be a BM anymore because you aren't family and those are the only people we are inviting"?
    I have many friends whom I'm close with who weren't asked to be the wedding but I would love for them to be invited. If my friend had said yes to being in the wedding, then of course she would still be on the invite list and I would have had to figure out 2 family members to remove from the list to make it work for our budget.
    Look, you invited her to your wedding when you asked her to be a BM.  So that invite still stands regardless of whether or not she decided to drop out.  Your friend has every right to be peeved that you have basically uninvited her.

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  • justsiejustsie member
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    Knottie17311410 said:
    Oh and let me add that there wasn't a wedding date chosen at the time she declined being in the wedding, so I would respectfully disagree that asking her to be bridesmaid is like a save the date.
    A lot of people do this. The WP is like the VIPS, so a lot of people ask them when they don't know a date, and when they find a venue and have date options give them a call and say "Hey we were thinking XX,XXXX date, does that work for you?" They do this because these are people they couldn't see getting married without, and do that so they can attend. So it really doesn't matter at all if the date was set or not, she was invited to the wedding. I agree with PP, it absolutely looks like you are still peeved she stepped down from being a BM and this is your way to get back at her. If it were me and my friend who I was so close too I wanted her to be a BM, I'd get rid of something to make the budget work. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You thought of her enough to BE in the wedding that you wanted her to be in it regardless of the date.   If you wanted her to be IN the wedding then you must have wanted her AT the wedding.

    These are logical conclusions.

    The lack of date is immaterial.    That's like saying that a change in date might mean that your engagement itself is potentially off.


    And even if you want to stand there and be "right" there are many people who disagree with you.   Do you want this person to remain your friend?   Because what you did at minimum warrants a huge apology on your part. 
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  • Knottie17311410Knottie17311410 member
    10 Comments
    banana468 said:

    You thought of her enough to BE in the wedding that you wanted her to be in it regardless of the date.   If you wanted her to be IN the wedding then you must have wanted her AT the wedding.


    These are logical conclusions.

    The lack of date is immaterial.    That's like saying that a change in date might mean that your engagement itself is potentially off.


    And even if you want to stand there and be "right" there are many people who disagree with you.   Do you want this person to remain your friend?   Because what you did at minimum warrants a huge apology on your part. 
    So, with that being said, I will apologize to her for be not being able to add her to the guest list. Lesson learned on my part. I would hope that she would understand that financially we can't make it work to have friends there. Also, I think my fiance would see it as me being selfish if I added my frind and none of his friends could be there.
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  • Knottie17311410Knottie17311410 member
    10 Comments
    Maggie0829 said:

    Nevermind.  No matter what I say it isn't going to change the fact that what you are doing is rude and you don't seem to care.


    Sorry that you're taking this so personally. Just trying to get people to fully understand the situation. I don't know you and for you to call me rude and uncaring is out of line. I guess the buck stops with you on all things etiquette related.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    edited August 2015
    Knottie17311410 said:
    Nevermind.  No matter what I say it isn't going to change the fact that what you are doing is rude and you don't seem to care.
    Sorry that you're taking this so personally. Just trying to get people to fully understand the situation. I don't know you and for you to call me rude and uncaring is out of line. I guess the buck stops with you on all things etiquette related.
    I'm not sure why you think I am taking this personally.  I just don't like it when people are rude to others who are supposed to be their nearest and dearest.  In fact I just don't like it when people are rude period.  I mean if you think that means I take it personally, then okay.  But I think a lot of people are against people being rude.

    And what you are doing is rude so I am not sure why me saying that is out of line.

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  • banana468banana468 member
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    Knottie17311410 said:
    You thought of her enough to BE in the wedding that you wanted her to be in it regardless of the date.   If you wanted her to be IN the wedding then you must have wanted her AT the wedding.

    These are logical conclusions.

    The lack of date is immaterial.    That's like saying that a change in date might mean that your engagement itself is potentially off.


    And even if you want to stand there and be "right" there are many people who disagree with you.   Do you want this person to remain your friend?   Because what you did at minimum warrants a huge apology on your part. 
    So, with that being said, I will apologize to her for be not being able to add her to the guest list. Lesson learned on my part. I would hope that she would understand that financially we can't make it work to have friends there. Also, I think my fiance would see it as me being selfish if I added my frind and none of his friends could be there.
    Just out of curiosity, what if she came back to you  and said, "I can make it work!    I'd like to be a BM!"  What would you do then before all this came out?? 
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  • Knottie17311410Knottie17311410 member
    10 Comments
    banana468 said:


    Knottie17311410 said:

    banana468 said:

    You thought of her enough to BE in the wedding that you wanted her to be in it regardless of the date.   If you wanted her to be IN the wedding then you must have wanted her AT the wedding.


    These are logical conclusions.

    The lack of date is immaterial.    That's like saying that a change in date might mean that your engagement itself is potentially off.


    And even if you want to stand there and be "right" there are many people who disagree with you.   Do you want this person to remain your friend?   Because what you did at minimum warrants a huge apology on your part. 
    So, with that being said, I will apologize to her for be not being able to add her to the guest list. Lesson learned on my part. I would hope that she would understand that financially we can't make it work to have friends there. Also, I think my fiance would see it as me being selfish if I added my frind and none of his friends could be there.

    Just out of curiosity, what if she came back to you  and said, "I can make it work!    I'd like to be a BM!"  What would you do then before all this came out?? 

    While I would love for her to be a part of it, I would have to tell her unfortunately I can't add to my wedding party because we'be made the decision on our budget. I didn't go to one of my other friends to try to take her spot, so im okay with having 1 bridesmaid. Adding her back into the wedding party would impact the budget because I'm paying for the bridesmaid dress and make up (in additoon to expected itwms like flowers) and because we've scaled back, I wouldn't be able to do it.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    Knottie17311410 said:
    A few months ago, I posted about my friend who decided a few weeks after she agreed to be in my wedding, that she no longer wanted to be a bridesmaid because she felt the next wedding she should be in should be her own. My feelings were hurt and felt that her reasoning was a little selfish, but I've moved past it. 

    Fast forward, and my fiance and I make the decision that we will have a family-only wedding and not invite friends to keep our guest count low. 

    Now it turns out that my friend who is no longer a bridesmaid is upset with me because she felt like she was "un-invited"  from the wedding because we decided to keep the guest list at just family.  She is like family to me, but technically, she's not part of my family. My 1 bridesmaid that was left and my fiance's groomsman happen to both be family members, so it made the decision easier for us.  But believe me, if we could have all of our friends and family there, we would, we just have to mindful of our budget.  

    Am I wrong for not including my friend and former-bridesmaid as a guest? I feel like my really good friends would be offended if they found out that I actually had a friend at the wedding and an invitation wasn't extended to them. 

    Thoughts?
    Yes.  You are wrong for not including your friend and former bridesmaid as a guest.  This is the question you asked.  We are telling you that you are wrong.  You are answering that you don't care and will continue to do things wrong.  That's fine, but you should stand there in your wrongness and be wrong and not try to convince all of us and your friend that you're somehow right.  You're wrong.  It's fine to be wrong as long as you know that.
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  • justsiejustsie member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 2015
    Knottie17311410 said: Knottie17311410 said: You thought of her enough to BE in the wedding that you wanted her to be in it regardless of the date.   If you wanted her to be IN the wedding then you must have wanted her AT the wedding.
    These are logical conclusions.
    The lack of date is immaterial.    That's like saying that a change in date might mean that your engagement itself is potentially off.

    And even if you want to stand there and be "right" there are many people who disagree with you.   Do you want this person to remain your friend?   Because what you did at minimum warrants a huge apology on your part.  So, with that being said, I will apologize to her for be not being able to add her to the guest list. Lesson learned on my part. I would hope that she would understand that financially we can't make it work to have friends there. Also, I think my fiance would see it as me being selfish if I added my frind and none of his friends could be there. Just out of curiosity, what if she came back to you  and said, "I can make it work!    I'd like to be a BM!"  What would you do then before all this came out??  While I would love for her to be a part of it, I would have to tell her unfortunately I can't add to my wedding party because we'be made the decision on our budget. I didn't go to one of my other friends to try to take her spot, so im okay with having 1 bridesmaid. Adding her back into the wedding party would impact the budget because I'm paying for the bridesmaid dress and make up (in additoon to expected itwms like flowers) and because we've scaled back, I wouldn't be able to do it.


    BOXES HAVE LEFT


    You wouldn't be adding to your wedding party, you'd be having the exact number that you initially planned on having. Look, you asked her to be in the wedding. It's not her fault that you now don't have the budget. In your OP, you said nothing about budget but stated that you now didn't want this friend to come because she wasn't family- which is still rude because she has already been invited. Now, its budget. I don't know if your just back-peddling, or adding to your story, but either way uninviting your friend is rude. Don't require your BMs to have hair and makeup and BOOM, there is some money saved. It doesn't sound like she wants to be a BM either, so you don't have to pay for her dress/or anything else.

    It's not that you aren't able to do it, you're just refusing to. At least own up to it. 
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    adk19 said:
    Knottie17311410 said:
    A few months ago, I posted about my friend who decided a few weeks after she agreed to be in my wedding, that she no longer wanted to be a bridesmaid because she felt the next wedding she should be in should be her own. My feelings were hurt and felt that her reasoning was a little selfish, but I've moved past it. 

    Fast forward, and my fiance and I make the decision that we will have a family-only wedding and not invite friends to keep our guest count low. 

    Now it turns out that my friend who is no longer a bridesmaid is upset with me because she felt like she was "un-invited"  from the wedding because we decided to keep the guest list at just family.  She is like family to me, but technically, she's not part of my family. My 1 bridesmaid that was left and my fiance's groomsman happen to both be family members, so it made the decision easier for us.  But believe me, if we could have all of our friends and family there, we would, we just have to mindful of our budget.  

    Am I wrong for not including my friend and former-bridesmaid as a guest? I feel like my really good friends would be offended if they found out that I actually had a friend at the wedding and an invitation wasn't extended to them. 

    Thoughts?
    Yes.  You are wrong for not including your friend and former bridesmaid as a guest.  This is the question you asked.  We are telling you that you are wrong.  You are answering that you don't care and will continue to do things wrong.  That's fine, but you should stand there in your wrongness and be wrong and not try to convince all of us and your friend that you're somehow right.  You're wrong.  It's fine to be wrong as long as you know that.
    image

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