Bridesmaid literally fought and ended my bachelorette party.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

I asked her what she expected me to say and She seriously said that she expected me to say " Sorry BM2 (her name )you got punched or Its over and done we cant change it I'm sorry or hey i hate that this happened is your eye okay?"

Maggie0829 · August 2015

klbarker10 said:

After attempting to break them up that's when I sat down and its not like i was throwing a fit sat down, my veil and earring got ripped out so I also went down to get them and I just stayed there and cried because i could NOT believe it was happening.

I probably would have done the same thing. When two people you care about start going at it, especially in a physical way, it is upsetting. Crying in this situation is in no way a sign that you are immature. And I don't know about you but when I get livid I tend to cry because it is just too much and that is how I release the tension.

banana468 · August 2015

klbarker10 said:

I asked her what she expected me to say and She seriously said that she expected me to say " Sorry BM2 (her name )you got punched or Its over and done we cant change it I'm sorry or hey i hate that this happened is your eye okay?"

I'd tell her exactly what I said above.

Stop engaging her. What she did was unacceptable and she's showing that she can't take responsibility for her actions.

The way you word your posts it sounds like you could be well over the line from people pleaser and in the major doormat territory. Don't let this person walk all over you. Stand up for yourself. Sometimes it hurts to walk away from people who are toxic but you need to tear off the band aid and just do it. It will sting for a bit but then you'll heal and feel better.

Maggie0829 · August 2015

klbarker10 said:

I asked her what she expected me to say and She seriously said that she expected me to say " Sorry BM2 (her name )you got punched or Its over and done we cant change it I'm sorry or hey i hate that this happened is your eye okay?"

Yeah, you don't need to apologize for anything. That is just ridiculous that she expects you to apologize for something that you didn't even do.

climbingsingle · August 2015

klbarker10 said:

I asked her what she expected me to say and She seriously said that she expected me to say " Sorry BM2 (her name )you got punched or Its over and done we cant change it I'm sorry or hey i hate that this happened is your eye okay?"

I thought BM2 punched BM1 for no reason? If so, why would she expect you to say that? Ditto what Banana said - stop engaging with this person.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

She's trying to turn it around on BM1 and she said she is upset I am not on her side but I told her I don't need to take sides I was standing right there.

MyNameIsNot · August 2015

Jen4948 said:

ShesSoCold said:

Jen4948 said:

Someone who throws a punch should not be a bridesmaid. End of that story.
But I think it's judging the OP too harshly to accuse her of "not being an adult" for crying when according to her, this apparently was very out of character for BM 2 and came as a total shock. Sometimes when people we normally are very close to very unexpectedly behave terribly, we don't always have the presence of mind to come up with an immediate snappy response. It's easy for people in this forum who don't know her or the bridesmaids and weren't there to judge and accuse her of "not being an adult," but how do we know you (generic) wouldn't have done the same? After all, we don't know you either.
That said, @klbarker10, I think that under the circumstances I'd make very clear to BM 2 that she is no longer a bridesmaid and have security at your wedding in case another fight starts.

To me, it's the way it was worded. "then it was a cat fight my veil got ripped out and I literally sat down and started crying…." Instead of trying to split them up or doing something about it, OP sat down on the floor of a club and cried. I mean, come on. If that doesn't provoke a "grow up", I'm not sure what does.

ETA: I'm not dismissing the behavior of the BMs in any way, shape or form. That was not okay. But for the OP to be thinking about her veil and to sit down on the floor and cry is dramatic and immature. What kind of adult just sits on the floor in public and cries? I haven't done that since I was like 4.

If you think you can come up with an automatic snappy response if you were caught in the middle like that, more power to you, but I'm still not going to judge her for sitting on the floor and crying in public. People aren't at their best in situations where someone shockingly and totally unexpectedly become violent, especially when someone gets hurt and there's property damage.

Who needs a snappy response? You don't have to be clever. Just "Stop it!" would have worked, or grabbing the bouncer, or grabbing the punching victim and walking away.

I'm still waiting for an answer to my question about whether anyone called the police.

Jen4948 · August 2015

MyNameIsNot said:

Jen4948 said:

ShesSoCold said:

Jen4948 said:

Someone who throws a punch should not be a bridesmaid. End of that story.
But I think it's judging the OP too harshly to accuse her of "not being an adult" for crying when according to her, this apparently was very out of character for BM 2 and came as a total shock. Sometimes when people we normally are very close to very unexpectedly behave terribly, we don't always have the presence of mind to come up with an immediate snappy response. It's easy for people in this forum who don't know her or the bridesmaids and weren't there to judge and accuse her of "not being an adult," but how do we know you (generic) wouldn't have done the same? After all, we don't know you either.
That said, @klbarker10, I think that under the circumstances I'd make very clear to BM 2 that she is no longer a bridesmaid and have security at your wedding in case another fight starts.

To me, it's the way it was worded. "then it was a cat fight my veil got ripped out and I literally sat down and started crying…." Instead of trying to split them up or doing something about it, OP sat down on the floor of a club and cried. I mean, come on. If that doesn't provoke a "grow up", I'm not sure what does.

ETA: I'm not dismissing the behavior of the BMs in any way, shape or form. That was not okay. But for the OP to be thinking about her veil and to sit down on the floor and cry is dramatic and immature. What kind of adult just sits on the floor in public and cries? I haven't done that since I was like 4.

If you think you can come up with an automatic snappy response if you were caught in the middle like that, more power to you, but I'm still not going to judge her for sitting on the floor and crying in public. People aren't at their best in situations where someone shockingly and totally unexpectedly become violent, especially when someone gets hurt and there's property damage.

Who needs a snappy response? You don't have to be clever. Just "Stop it!" would have worked, or grabbing the bouncer, or grabbing the punching victim and walking away.

I'm still waiting for an answer to my question about whether anyone called the police.

Getting hung up on whether the response is "snappy" is splitting hairs. My point, which you missed in your rush to judge, was that not everyone in a tense situation thinks as clearly and comes up with as mature respsonses as immediately as you expect everyone to do. You have the luxury of coming from a position of hindsight and not being there yourself. The OP doesn't.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

klbarker10 said:

She's trying to turn it around on BM1 and she said she is upset I am not on her side but I told her I don't need to take sides I was standing right there.

At this point I'm going to go ahead and call MUD. If, by some miracle, this actually is true and you really are a 30 year old bride rather than a 16 year old high schooler who needs sophomore year to start up already, you need to stop being friends with this girl. You DON'T need to find a way to let her down nicely. "I can't have people who throw punches at people I love standing up next to me at my wedding. I can no longer have you as a bridesmaid. In fact, I don't want you to attend my wedding at all. Maybe in a couple months we can go back to being friends. But for now I can't have you in my life."

MyNameIsNot · August 2015

Jen4948 said:

Jen4948 said:

ShesSoCold said:

Jen4948 said:

Someone who throws a punch should not be a bridesmaid. End of that story.
But I think it's judging the OP too harshly to accuse her of "not being an adult" for crying when according to her, this apparently was very out of character for BM 2 and came as a total shock. Sometimes when people we normally are very close to very unexpectedly behave terribly, we don't always have the presence of mind to come up with an immediate snappy response. It's easy for people in this forum who don't know her or the bridesmaids and weren't there to judge and accuse her of "not being an adult," but how do we know you (generic) wouldn't have done the same? After all, we don't know you either.
That said, @klbarker10, I think that under the circumstances I'd make very clear to BM 2 that she is no longer a bridesmaid and have security at your wedding in case another fight starts.

To me, it's the way it was worded. "then it was a cat fight my veil got ripped out and I literally sat down and started crying…." Instead of trying to split them up or doing something about it, OP sat down on the floor of a club and cried. I mean, come on. If that doesn't provoke a "grow up", I'm not sure what does.

ETA: I'm not dismissing the behavior of the BMs in any way, shape or form. That was not okay. But for the OP to be thinking about her veil and to sit down on the floor and cry is dramatic and immature. What kind of adult just sits on the floor in public and cries? I haven't done that since I was like 4.

If you think you can come up with an automatic snappy response if you were caught in the middle like that, more power to you, but I'm still not going to judge her for sitting on the floor and crying in public. People aren't at their best in situations where someone shockingly and totally unexpectedly become violent, especially when someone gets hurt and there's property damage.

Who needs a snappy response? You don't have to be clever. Just "Stop it!" would have worked, or grabbing the bouncer, or grabbing the punching victim and walking away.

I'm still waiting for an answer to my question about whether anyone called the police.

Getting hung up on whether the response is "snappy" is splitting hairs. My point, which yo u missed in your rush to judge, was that not ever thinks as clearly as you expect everyone to do, coming from a position of hindsight and not being there yourself.

You don't have to think clearly to react by getting away from someone who suddenly becomes violent. You keep saying that her response is normal because no one would be able to think of a snappy comeback. No one has suggested that a snappy comeback would have been more mature or would have helped the situation.

Normal human automatic response is fight or flight. It sounds like BM1 may have reacted with the former. I'm suggesting that most people would have responded with flight. Reacting by crying over her veil is not normal.

The fact that OP reacted that way and continues to refuse to cut BM2 from her life suggests to me that either OP is more accustomed to these sort of situations than she is letting on or that the violence is over-stated in the OP.

Yes, I think plenty of people would have cried if two friends got violent like this. I don't think very many mature people would have cried about the veil.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

I was not just crying about the veil I was crying about the ENTIRE situation as it is beyond ridiculous and should have never happened to begin with.

I am not refusing to cut her out as that is what I am trying to do but I am trying to handle it like an adult because I have a feeling once I tell her she is going to freak out and I want to be the bigger person and I wanted to get other peoples opinions who don't have a bias.

we have been friends for 12+ years and guess the fact that I have to do this is still a shock to me.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

klbarker10 said:

I was not just crying about the veil I was crying about the ENTIRE situation as it is beyond ridiculous and should have never happened to begin with.
I am not refusing to cut her out as that is what I am trying to do but I am trying to handle it like an adult because I have a feeling once I tell her she is going to freak out and I want to be the bigger person and I wanted to get other peoples opinions who don't have a bias.
we have been friends for 12+ years and guess the fact that I have to do this is still a shock to me.

Be the bigger person and let her go. No matter the circumstances (and I still really don't get why the hell she punched BM #2), violence should not be tolerated. I could be friends with someone for 12 minutes or 12 years but if they did what she did, there would be no question that I would cut them out of my life.

banana468 · August 2015

klbarker10 said:

I was not just crying about the veil I was crying about the ENTIRE situation as it is beyond ridiculous and should have never happened to begin with.
I am not refusing to cut her out as that is what I am trying to do but I am trying to handle it like an adult because I have a feeling once I tell her she is going to freak out and I want to be the bigger person and I wanted to get other peoples opinions who don't have a bias.
we have been friends for 12+ years and guess the fact that I have to do this is still a shock to me.

You need to be matter of fact. There isn't going to be a way that you have this conversation that is going to make her feel better. Based on the little information you shared she's going to be upset, will twist your words and you're going to be the bad person.

It does not matter.

She created the issue by violently striking your other BM. Her actions have consequences and these are the consequences.

If you need to do this over the phone pour yourself a glass of liquid courage and do it. There's no sugar coating it. Just do it and move on. She'll probably blast you over social media but do you care about what she says?

Remember, if your friendship is one sided it isn't a friendship.

Jen4948 · August 2015

MyNameIsNot said:

Jen4948 said:

Jen4948 said:

ShesSoCold said:

Jen4948 said:

Someone who throws a punch should not be a bridesmaid. End of that story.
But I think it's judging the OP too harshly to accuse her of "not being an adult" for crying when according to her, this apparently was very out of character for BM 2 and came as a total shock. Sometimes when people we normally are very close to very unexpectedly behave terribly, we don't always have the presence of mind to come up with an immediate snappy response. It's easy for people in this forum who don't know her or the bridesmaids and weren't there to judge and accuse her of "not being an adult," but how do we know you (generic) wouldn't have done the same? After all, we don't know you either.
That said, @klbarker10, I think that under the circumstances I'd make very clear to BM 2 that she is no longer a bridesmaid and have security at your wedding in case another fight starts.

To me, it's the way it was worded. "then it was a cat fight my veil got ripped out and I literally sat down and started crying…." Instead of trying to split them up or doing something about it, OP sat down on the floor of a club and cried. I mean, come on. If that doesn't provoke a "grow up", I'm not sure what does.

ETA: I'm not dismissing the behavior of the BMs in any way, shape or form. That was not okay. But for the OP to be thinking about her veil and to sit down on the floor and cry is dramatic and immature. What kind of adult just sits on the floor in public and cries? I haven't done that since I was like 4.

If you think you can come up with an automatic snappy response if you were caught in the middle like that, more power to you, but I'm still not going to judge her for sitting on the floor and crying in public. People aren't at their best in situations where someone shockingly and totally unexpectedly become violent, especially when someone gets hurt and there's property damage.

Who needs a snappy response? You don't have to be clever. Just "Stop it!" would have worked, or grabbing the bouncer, or grabbing the punching victim and walking away.

I'm still waiting for an answer to my question about whether anyone called the police.

Getting hung up on whether the response is "snappy" is splitting hairs. My point, which yo u missed in your rush to judge, was that not ever thinks as clearly as you expect everyone to do, coming from a position of hindsight and not being there yourself.

You don't have to think clearly to react by getting away from someone who suddenly becomes violent. You keep saying that her response is normal because no one would be able to think of a snappy comeback. No one has suggested that a snappy comeback would have been more mature or would have helped the situation.

Normal human automatic response is fight or flight. It sounds like BM1 may have reacted with the former. I'm suggesting that most people would have responded with flight. Reacting by crying over her veil is not normal.

The fact that OP reacted that way and continues to refuse to cut BM2 from her life suggests to me that either OP is more accustomed to these sort of situations than she is letting on or that the violence is over-stated in the OP.

Yes, I think plenty of people would have cried if two friends got violent like this. I don't think very many mature people would have cried about the veil.

But since the OP hasn't stated either of these things, you're making assumptions based on what is not there and putting words in people's mouths. You just don't know this for a fact, but you're making judgments on it, which I think is too hasty.

zitiqueen · August 2015

klbarker10 said:

I just need to find a simple way to ask her to step down.

Ask her to step down? Why on earth would you ask her to step down?

You don't ask her to step down, you tell her she's no longer a bridesmaid. End of discussion.

Why are you so worried about her feelings when she clearly doesn't give a shit about yours? It sounds like you need to grow a pair and stand up for yourself.

Bubblegum5586 · August 2015

zitiqueen said:

klbarker10 said:

I just need to find a simple way to ask her to step down.

Ask her to step down? Why on earth would you ask her to step down?

You don't ask her to step down, you tell her she's no longer a bridesmaid. End of discussion.

Why are you so worried about her feelings when she clearly doesn't give a shit about yours? It sounds like you need to grow a pair and stand up for yourself.

Maybe she's afraid when she tells her she'll get punched in the face?

TheCheeseWench · August 2015

klbarker10 said:

I was not just crying about the veil I was crying about the ENTIRE situation as it is beyond ridiculous and should have never happened to begin with.
I am not refusing to cut her out as that is what I am trying to do but I am trying to handle it like an adult because I have a feeling once I tell her she is going to freak out and I want to be the bigger person and I wanted to get other peoples opinions who don't have a bias.
we have been friends for 12+ years and guess the fact that I have to do this is still a shock to me.

Of course she'll freak out, she PUNCHED a woman, but you cannot let that be a factor in doing what MUST be done. Handling it like an adult is telling the truth and sticking to your guns. You don't have to exacerbate the situation by TELLING her that she's batshit craycray, but you also can't sugarcoat it or ASK her to step down, because she will simply try to manipulate/bully her way back in. A simple "I'm sorry, but in light of the events at the BP, FI & I are not comfortable having you attend our wedding, and I need you to respect that because our decision is final". I say add FI in the mix because if she thinks it's more than just you with this opinion she might be less likely to try to change your mind. I'm sorry you are in shock, but that is probably the best time to just go ahead and get it over with. Once time passes and things cool she'll be more shocked and angry about being eliminated, as she'll think you have let it go.

onefootinthebayou · August 2015

klbarker10 said: I was not just crying about the veil I was crying about the ENTIRE situation as it is beyond ridiculous and should have never happened to begin with. I am not refusing to cut her out as that is what I am trying to do but I am trying to handle it like an adult because I have a feeling once I tell her she is going to freak out and I want to be the bigger person and I wanted to get other peoples opinions who don't have a bias. we have been friends for 12+ years and guess the fact that I have to do this is still a shock to me.

EDITED NO DAMN BOX. GAH.

The bolded tells me that this person is a manipulator. She's got you so afraid of her response to a conversation that hasn't happened yet that you seem to be putting it off. I can't stand people who are so dramatic that they have people afraid to confront them. It allows them to continue their terrible behavior without consequences.

You'll hear this a lot on here. Actions have consequences. She resorted to violence and is exhibiting unstable behavior. She has lost the privilege of being a guest of honor at your wedding. If I were you, I would no longer associate with this person.

That being said, you indicated she has never acted like this before, may have been extremely intoxicated BUT that is absolutely no excuse as her behavior after the fact continues to be insane by demanding apologies, lying about her split open eye (which is total bullshit, btw), and just exhibiting general lunacy.

Do not let this person intimidate or bully you into allowing her to continue this behavior and be in or even at your wedding. If you really care about her and you feel that she's gone off the rails, support her through whatever therapy she needs to get well again. However, I suspect this is just a lousy and unhappy person and whatever faults she had as a young woman are becoming magnified as she grows into adulthood. I'd "Bye Felicia" the shit out of that girl.

LondonLisa · August 2015

I don't care if this was your twin sister, 12+ years of friendship is not an excuse for an adult to hit anyone. You need to stop being ineffectual. You don't want her in your life, say: "BM2, I do not tolerate any violence. I do not feel comfortable having you at my wedding nor can we be friends anymore. I hope you get help for your anger and violence issues. This is not a discussion and it is not up for debate. I am ending the conversation and hanging up now." Then actually hang up. Yes, she may go crazy (and probably will), but I would rather have her doing this on facebook than at my wedding.

There comes a point where bad things aren't "happening" to you, but you are actively inviting bad things by keeping company with crazy. Adults should not associate with a person who thinks punches are appropriate. Christ, this person has 2 children! That is terrifying.

Stop being so passive. If you don't cut this person out of your life, you cannot complain when she throws a drink or a punch at your wedding. Frankly if I was BM 1, and you didn't remove BM 2 from the wedding, I would be declining attending. Not as a "punishment" but you would have to be a moron to put yourself in a similar situation with a violent person. Fool me once....

When people show you who they are, believe them. BM2 should be out of your life faster than you can say 'restraining order'.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

:UPDATE:

I told her that I no longer wanted her in my Bridal Party AND she freaked out and said that I took the easy way out but dismissing her and she continued on with she can't believe that I chose sides and that the whole fight was "water under the bridge" to her. and trying to give me a guilt trip.

Needless to say she STILL has not apologized for her actions and she has returned her dress and they gave her a refund since she didn't have alterations.

Since then her Facebook posts have been showing how juvenile she really is.

On a positive note! I replaced her with a new bridesmaid and order her a dress and luckily we will have the dress in time for the wedding!

I am still in shock that this all happened and my wedding is only 36 days away!

banana468 · August 2015

klbarker10 said:

:UPDATE:

I told her that I no longer wanted her in my Bridal Party AND she freaked out and said that I took the easy way out but dismissing her and she continued on with she can't believe that I chose sides and that the whole fight was "water under the bridge" to her. and trying to give me a guilt trip.

Needless to say she STILL has not apologized for her actions and she has returned her dress and they gave her a refund since she didn't have alterations.

Since then her Facebook posts have been showing how juvenile she really is.

On a positive note! I replaced her with a new bridesmaid and order her a dress and luckily we will have the dress in time for the wedding!

I am still in shock that this all happened and my wedding is only 36 days away!

NOOOOOOOO!!!! Don't replace anyone!!! That just makes the other BM seem like second fiddle to a psychohosebeast!

AddieCake · August 2015

You replaced her? That was wrong.

NowIAmSyp · August 2015

Good GOD.

frenchiekin · August 2015

klbarker10 said:

:UPDATE:

I told her that I no longer wanted her in my Bridal Party AND she freaked out and said that I took the easy way out but dismissing her and she continued on with she can't believe that I chose sides and that the whole fight was "water under the bridge" to her. and trying to give me a guilt trip.

Needless to say she STILL has not apologized for her actions and she has returned her dress and they gave her a refund since she didn't have alterations.

Since then her Facebook posts have been showing how juvenile she really is.

On a positive note! I replaced her with a new bridesmaid and order her a dress and luckily we will have the dress in time for the wedding!

I am still in shock that this all happened and my wedding is only 36 days away!

Something about the cheery exclamation points now make me about 99% sure this is MUD.

TrixieJess · August 2015

frenchiekin said:

klbarker10 said:

:UPDATE:

I told her that I no longer wanted her in my Bridal Party AND she freaked out and said that I took the easy way out but dismissing her and she continued on with she can't believe that I chose sides and that the whole fight was "water under the bridge" to her. and trying to give me a guilt trip.

Needless to say she STILL has not apologized for her actions and she has returned her dress and they gave her a refund since she didn't have alterations.

Since then her Facebook posts have been showing how juvenile she really is.

On a positive note! I replaced her with a new bridesmaid and order her a dress and luckily we will have the dress in time for the wedding!

I am still in shock that this all happened and my wedding is only 36 days away!

Something about the cheery exclamation points now make me about 99% sure this is MUD.

If it's not, I only have this to add:

and,

[Deleted User] · August 2015

frenchiekin said:

klbarker10 said:

:UPDATE:

I told her that I no longer wanted her in my Bridal Party AND she freaked out and said that I took the easy way out but dismissing her and she continued on with she can't believe that I chose sides and that the whole fight was "water under the bridge" to her. and trying to give me a guilt trip.

Needless to say she STILL has not apologized for her actions and she has returned her dress and they gave her a refund since she didn't have alterations.

Since then her Facebook posts have been showing how juvenile she really is.

On a positive note! I replaced her with a new bridesmaid and order her a dress and luckily we will have the dress in time for the wedding!

I am still in shock that this all happened and my wedding is only 36 days away!

Something about the cheery exclamation points now make me about 99% sure this is MUD.

Welcome. I called MUD on this three days ago.

frenchiekin · August 2015

adk19 said:

frenchiekin said:

klbarker10 said:

:UPDATE:

I told her that I no longer wanted her in my Bridal Party AND she freaked out and said that I took the easy way out but dismissing her and she continued on with she can't believe that I chose sides and that the whole fight was "water under the bridge" to her. and trying to give me a guilt trip.

Needless to say she STILL has not apologized for her actions and she has returned her dress and they gave her a refund since she didn't have alterations.

Since then her Facebook posts have been showing how juvenile she really is.

On a positive note! I replaced her with a new bridesmaid and order her a dress and luckily we will have the dress in time for the wedding!

I am still in shock that this all happened and my wedding is only 36 days away!

Something about the cheery exclamation points now make me about 99% sure this is MUD.

Welcome. I called MUD on this three days ago.

IT'S A BOX!!!!!!!!!

You win!

[Deleted User] · August 2015

[Deleted User] · August 2015

Unfortunately this was not MUD.. But thank you for coming and being completely rude about a stressful situation.

Bridesmaid literally fought and ended my bachelorette party.

Re: Bridesmaid literally fought and ended my bachelorette party.

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