Number of Bridesmaids. Is that really an issue?

[Deleted User] · July 2015

missjewels02 said: I don't even understand how people can be so hung up on the price. As if i told my bridesmaids they needed $600 saved up lol. If I was getting married at city hall or had a destination wedding. This could definitely be one of those wear what you want type of conversations. But if you're having a formal wedding. As a bride you get to decide what you want to have.You talk budget with your friends because you don't want to put anyone out who might not be able to afford it. I definitely didn't want to put anyone in a situation where we get to the store and they say oh I cant afford it. Or looking at the price tags with dread. Everyone new what to expect so we were able to have fun and try on dresses without worrying one or the other would have a problem. So, no $200 is not too much. If you didn't have a convo like that with friends. Either you didn't need to or you had a bridesmaid calling every dress she tried on ugly because she couldnt afford to buy it. Unable to be honest about her budget. I had this convo months before we stepped foot in the store. I budgeted $50 for shoes and $150 for dress ($200 altogether). Like I stated earlier came in way under that. Mostly because I ended up letting the bridesmaids wear whatever shoes they liked from home and the dress was only $100. So, no not a Bridezilla.Secondly, I'm sick of people saying call your friend. REPEAT I HAVE DONE SO ALREADY. MY FRIEND NEEDS TO CALL ME BACK. She is not sick, her mother hasn't died, and she hasn't lost her job. Their is nothing wrong with her. I'm reading some of these comments like people expect me to receive a call at any moment saying she died in a car accident. And then I'm going to regret talking bad about her lol. Except she is a sucky friend and its really that simple. She made a decision not to get the dress and not talk to me about it. If she returns any of my messages and calls i'll be happy to resolve whatever her issue is.In the meantime, I wont be replacing her with anyone. Because finding loyal friends who are straight forward and have your back. Really is as hard as it seems. I guess I am sensitive about that whole sides not equal thing because my family is really judgmental and not in a good way. That's something you also couldn't have known. So maybe posting on here was not the best decision I could have made.P.S. This forum was not helpful at all in me making that decision. Instead it was my husband. Whose actions reminded me of the saying. "It's not the wedding day that matters but the marriage."

ETA: BOXES

I think you're missing the point of a budget conversation. A budget conversation should go like this:

"Friend, how much money are you comfortable spending on a dress?"

NOT

"Friend, you are going to need $200 to be in my wedding."

See how those are different? The second scenario is YOU spending your "friends'" money for them. That is not your place, regardless of whether or not you are a bride.

And FTR, $200 is not "a ton" of money, but guess what? I probably wouldn't spend $200 to be in someone's wedding, even though I can afford it. I'd have to really like you. And if you told me I was going to need $200 (as if that is the price of admission, or perhaps, friendship) I would have a hard time not slapping you.

Heffalump · July 2015

abcdevonn said:

And FTR, $200 is not "a ton" of money, but guess what? I probably wouldn't spend $200 to be in someone's wedding, even though I can afford it. I'd have to really like you. And if you told me I was going to need $200 (as if that is the price of admission, or perhaps, friendship) I would have a hard time not slapping you.

All of this. There was a time in my life where $200 would have been a stretch, and would have kept me from being in someone's wedding. And if I were told, rather than asked, I would feel like that particular dress was more important to the bride than I was. Which would have been a really crappy feeling.

Now that it's no longer a financial strain, there are still probably tons of things I'd rather spend that money on. If it was a dear friend/relative, then okay, otherwise it's going toward new living room furniture, or deep sea fishing when we go to the beach, or something other than a pricey dress I may not even like and will probably never wear again, for a "friend" whose behavior is pretty entitled.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Heffalump said:

abcdevonn said:

And FTR, $200 is not "a ton" of money, but guess what? I probably wouldn't spend $200 to be in someone's wedding, even though I can afford it. I'd have to really like you. And if you told me I was going to need $200 (as if that is the price of admission, or perhaps, friendship) I would have a hard time not slapping you.

All of this. There was a time in my life where $200 would have been a stretch, and would have kept me from being in someone's wedding. And if I were told, rather than asked, I would feel like that particular dress was more important to the bride than I was. Which would have been a really crappy feeling.

Now that it's no longer a financial strain, there are still probably tons of things I'd rather spend that money on. If it was a dear friend/relative, then okay, otherwise it's going toward new living room furniture, or deep sea fishing when we go to the beach, or something other than a pricey dress I may not even like and will probably never wear again, for a "friend" whose behavior is pretty entitled.

Lol, that is EXACTLY what I had in mind when I asked myself "would you spend $200 on a dress"? HELL NO, I want a new coffee table!

Viczaesar · July 2015

Well, kudos for knowing that you need to discuss budget with your wedding party members, but a big thumbs down to you screwing the pooch on what a budget conversation is. You are supposed to ASK them what their budget is, not TELL them how much they need to budget for your wedding. You also don't have any right to pick out specific shoes for them unless YOU are paying for them, though shoes are such an individual thing that it's better even in that case just to tell them color and let them pick out what they find comfortable and attractive within that guideline. So overall I give you a D on working with your bridesmaids.

lembaslover · July 2015

missjewels02 said:

You're assuming I haven't contacted her. I've called her, texted and I've facebooked. At this point I've done everything I can from my part to figure out whats the matter. She's just went radio silent on me. Whatever is the matter cant be much while her facebook status indicates she's still going out partying and clubbing every weekend. So its not like she came down with cancer and I just don't know about it. We didn't have some big tiff where she stormed off. Literally I've heard nothing for about a month.
FYI when I asked everyone to be my bridesmaids I said you're going to need at least $200. So make sure you have it. This was individual conversations that I had with them. I got the feel of who would struggle and who wouldn't. She was definitely the last person I thought would flake on me. At the end of it everyone agreed. Staying budget conscience I came in way under that. Just to be safe. She's just a selfish friend.
I asked a legitimate question because people judge you on your friends or lack thereof. So why would a wedding be any different.

You seriously think that? I have cancer, when I was diagnosed I didn't stop going to clubs and parties until my treatment started and then after treatment I resumed. I wasn't going to give up my life for cancer. I did however have to drop out of some commitments because they just interfered with my treatment. Also I didn't tell people unless they asked.I had some friends who found out a couple months after and were pissed at me for not telling them but honestly it's an awkward conversation to tell someone you have cancer.

I'm not saying your friend has cancer but there may be something equally as hard that she doesn't feel like sharing right now. Different people react differently. Talk to your friend and if she doesn't respond tell her you're there for her when she's ready.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

engagedhamstermom said:

missjewels02 said:

You're assuming I haven't contacted her. I've called her, texted and I've facebooked. At this point I've done everything I can from my part to figure out whats the matter. She's just went radio silent on me. Whatever is the matter cant be much while her facebook status indicates she's still going out partying and clubbing every weekend. So its not like she came down with cancer and I just don't know about it. We didn't have some big tiff where she stormed off. Literally I've heard nothing for about a month.
FYI when I asked everyone to be my bridesmaids I said you're going to need at least $200. So make sure you have it. This was individual conversations that I had with them. I got the feel of who would struggle and who wouldn't. She was definitely the last person I thought would flake on me. At the end of it everyone agreed. Staying budget conscience I came in way under that. Just to be safe. She's just a selfish friend.
I asked a legitimate question because people judge you on your friends or lack thereof. So why would a wedding be any different.

You seriously think that? I have cancer, when I was diagnosed I didn't stop going to clubs and parties until my treatment started and then after treatment I resumed. I wasn't going to give up my life for cancer. I did however have to drop out of some commitments because they just interfered with my treatment. Also I didn't tell people unless they asked.I had some friends who found out a couple months after and were pissed at me for not telling them but honestly it's an awkward conversation to tell someone you have cancer.

I'm not saying your friend has cancer but there may be something equally as hard that she doesn't feel like sharing right now. Different people react differently. Talk to your friend and if she doesn't respond tell her you're there for her when she's ready.

Exactly this. My family calls me "Heart of Stone" because I don't show emotion. People never know what's happening with me. I don't cry at funerals or weddings. I don't ask to see your engagement ring or your baby bump. I got REAMED by my mom and sister when I didn't tell them FH was in the hospital overnight. I'm not a sharer. I deal with things myself, with FH's help and knowledge and support, and pretty much keep everyone else at arm's length. It's just the way I am. Maybe your friend is the same.

aliwis000 · July 2015

I think she probably just got fed up with OP and decided to end the "friendship".

I mean if you are the kind of person who tells your friends they will need a set dollar amount to be eligible to be a bridesmaid then ...well I am sure you make other poor social choices. Maybe she is just done with it.

I just cannot see how OP does not see it as rude to bring up a certain amount that you expect someone to be able to spend. This is just crazy.

aurianna · July 2015

OP,

You did something wrong. But you can fix it.

Start with talking to the remaining bridesmaids, individually, with this:
"I realize I was a demanding bridezilla when I told you how much you'd be spending at my wedding. A true friend would be considerate to you and your situation and ask you what you could afford instead of picking an arbitrary amount of someone else's money to spend. I know it may be awkward, but if you spent more than you could afford, please tell me; I want to reimburse you the difference. Also, here is a check for the shoes. I wanted specific accessories so it's up to me to pay for them. I hope you can forgive my temporary oversight."

Your fiance (I assume? If he's your husband then you're doing waaaay more things wrong here) is wise, and it is about the marriage.

As far as your friend goes, if she hasn't specifically told you she's out of the wedding, I would send her an email with the same conversation I posted above. And then I would try to find a way to get in contact with her. Check with mutual friends and see if she's ok. Go to her house perhaps. And make sure any time you try to get in touch, it's clear that you miss her; leave the wedding out of it completely.

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586 · August 2015

Heffalump said:

ShesSoCold said:

If dude is your husband, why are you even talking about a wedding?

*********************IDK HOW TO GET BOXES*******************8

I literally laughed out loud at this Scooby Doo pic. I love Scooby Doo and his face is just too perfect for this situation!

MobKaz · August 2015

I have to wonder if OP's reference to her SO isn't the biggest clue of all. OP, are you already married and keeping it a secret? Is there a chance this friend has discovered this secret?

If that is true, then everything makes more sense. I would be crushed if my BFF deliberately lied to me. I would be crazy mad if that lie and ensuing charade of a PPD had me spending time and money needlessly.

Number of Bridesmaids. Is that really an issue?

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