Being grilled by the "former" bridesmaid about my guest list

lyndausvi · August 2015

No matter how much you slice it you look like a jerk by going back and telling people they are no longer included do to you poor planning. And it was your poor planning that got you into this situation.

There are ton of threads on the E board that explain the order of doing things. First off you figure out a budget, guest list and venue. Those 3 things go together. Sometimes you have to adjust the budget. Sometimes the guest list. Sometimes your dream venue doesn't work with the other two. You need to figure those things out before invite people.

And yes, by asking her to be IN the wedding you have invited her TO the wedding. Details to be provided later. You basically made her invite conditional. If you are IN the wedding you can COME to the wedding. If you are not, then you are out. Pretty shitty if you ask me.

aurianna · August 2015

OP, you invited her to your wedding when you asked her to be a BM.

You are being no less rude here than you would if you'd already sent out formal invites to people and then told them "Nevermind! family only! Budget ya know"

Also... using your fiance as an excuse doesn't work here either.
Would your fiance really begrudge you a guest who you've already invited, who would have been in your wedding party? If he'd really get upset about that then he sounds really petty. You're in for a lifetime of tit-for-tat if that's the case.
Same with your other friends. If they're really petty enough to ask you about it, and still don't accept "well she'd already been invited; no one else had," then they suck a bit.

Lurkers... this another great example of why you should figure out your budget, then guest list, then venue.
Don't invite guests only to realize you can't afford them. It looks reeeeeeally bad.

OP, apologize to your friend. Personally I'd try to squeeze her into your guest list. Cut some luxury expense from your life for a few weeks to make up the difference (ex brown bag lunch if you normally buy, skip the blow dry at next few hair appointments, etc). But definitely acknowledged that you did something wrong even if you didn't intend it that way at the time.

mrscomposer · August 2015

Knottie17311410 said:

Am I wrong for not including my friend and former-bridesmaid as a guest? I feel like my really good friends would be offended if they found out that I actually had a friend at the wedding and an invitation wasn't extended to them.

You're answering your own question, but you're just not seeing it - or choosing to see it. If your really good friends would be offended if you had a friend at the wedding and they weren't invited... you DID have a really good friend invited. And then told her she couldn't come. She was going to be your bridesmaid. To tell her afterwards that she couldn't even COME anymore is all kinds of crappy.

Like @adk19 said - you're wrong. Own up to the fact that you're wrong... because I think you know you are, and are just trying to justify it. You can't.

AddieCake · August 2015

You obviously didn't want our opinions on this if they differed from yours. Just do what you want.

Knottie17311410 · August 2015

So

justsie said:

Knottie17311410 said:

banana468 said:

Knottie17311410 said:

banana468 said:
You thought of her enough to BE in the wedding that you wanted her to be in it regardless of the date. If you wanted her to be IN the wedding then you must have wanted her AT the wedding.

These are logical conclusions.

The lack of date is immaterial. That's like saying that a change in date might mean that your engagement itself is potentially off.

And even if you want to stand there and be "right" there are many people who disagree with you. Do you want this person to remain your friend? Because what you did at minimum warrants a huge apology on your part.
So, with that being said, I will apologize to her for be not being able to add her to the guest list. Lesson learned on my part. I would hope that she would understand that financially we can't make it work to have friends there. Also, I think my fiance would see it as me being selfish if I added my frind and none of his friends could be there.

Just out of curiosity, what if she came back to you and said, "I can make it work! I'd like to be a BM!" What would you do then before all this came out??

While I would love for her to be a part of it, I would have to tell her unfortunately I can't add to my wedding party because we'be made the decision on our budget. I didn't go to one of my other friends to try to take her spot, so im okay with having 1 bridesmaid. Adding her back into the wedding party would impact the budget because I'm paying for the bridesmaid dress and make up (in additoon to expected itwms like flowers) and because we've scaled back, I wouldn't be able to do it.

BOXES HAVE LEFT

You wouldn't be adding to your wedding party, you'd be having the exact number that you initially planned on having. Look, you asked her to be in the wedding. It's not her fault that you now don't have the budget. In your OP, you said nothing about budget but stated that you now didn't want this friend to come because she wasn't family- which is still rude because she has already been invited. Now, its budget. I don't know if your just back-peddling, or adding to your story, but either way uninviting your friend is rude. Don't require your BMs to have hair and makeup and BOOM, there is some money saved. It doesn't sound like she wants to be a BM either, so you don't have to pay for her dress/or anything else.

It's not that you aren't able to do it, you're just refusing to. At least own up to it.

I think you misread my OP. I stated that budget was our reason for cutting the guest list. My friend made it clear that she did not want to be in the wedding and my fiance and I made the decision together due to budget to only invite family. I just want to make that completely clear. Please go back and read my OP.

Knottie80779227 · August 2015

adk19 said:

Knottie17311410 said:

A few months ago, I posted about my friend who decided a few weeks after she agreed to be in my wedding, that she no longer wanted to be a bridesmaid because she felt the next wedding she should be in should be her own. My feelings were hurt and felt that her reasoning was a little selfish, but I've moved past it.

Fast forward, and my fiance and I make the decision that we will have a family-only wedding and not invite friends to keep our guest count low.

Now it turns out that my friend who is no longer a bridesmaid is upset with me because she felt like she was "un-invited" from the wedding because we decided to keep the guest list at just family. She is like family to me, but technically, she's not part of my family. My 1 bridesmaid that was left and my fiance's groomsman happen to both be family members, so it made the decision easier for us. But believe me, if we could have all of our friends and family there, we would, we just have to mindful of our budget.

Am I wrong for not including my friend and former-bridesmaid as a guest? I feel like my really good friends would be offended if they found out that I actually had a friend at the wedding and an invitation wasn't extended to them.

Thoughts?

Yes. You are wrong for not including your friend and former bridesmaid as a guest. This is the question you asked. We are telling you that you are wrong. You are answering that you don't care and will continue to do things wrong. That's fine, but you should stand there in your wrongness and be wrong and not try to convince all of us and your friend that you're somehow right. You're wrong. It's fine to be wrong as long as you know that.

Probably my favorite quote of the day. I've made plenty of mistakes while planning my own wedding, and have had to live up to the fact I haven't been 100% right in everything during the process (I wish I could've been, but people make mistakes, especially when it's not something you've ever done before!).

Just tell you're friend you were wrong from the beginning and wish you had had been more clear on your plans as they arose. It sounds like you've made the decision already not to invite her, but be accepting that she isn't going to be jumping for joy at the decision. One thing people tend to forget is that you, the OP, is giving this a lot of thought and thinking out your appropriate response, and you're expecting her to react a certain way without being able to have processed it over days or weeks like you, but more on the spot. Gut reactions are honest, but might not be the most eloquent upon delivery. If I was your friend I'd probably be either really quiet upon you giving me the news or openly pissed...the understanding and calm would come at a much later date.

OliveOilsMom · August 2015

How tight is your budget that you cannot make work an extra 2 people? What happens if your dress alterations or your FIs suit ends up costing more than you budgeted? Will you uninvited more people from the wedding? There are ways to make your budget go farther. Tell your BM (since you only have 1 now) to wear whatever dress she already owns (then you don't have to buy it for her). You also do not have to pay for her makeup. You are going above and beyond in other areas of your budget, but can't make an extra 2 people work at your reception.

Your BM (and her SO) was invited to your wedding when you asked her to be a BM. Asking someone to be a BM is asking them to partake in your wedding, i.e. attending it. Just because friend had to back out doesn't mean you should uninvited her.

Knottie17311410 · August 2015

OliveOilsMom said:
How tight is your budget that you cannot make work an extra 2 people? What happens if your dress alterations or your FIs suit ends up costing more than you budgeted? Will you uninvited more people from the wedding? There are ways to make your budget go farther. Tell your BM (since you only have 1 now) to wear whatever dress she already owns (then you don't have to buy it for her). You also do not have to pay for her makeup. You are going above and beyond in other areas of your budget, but can't make an extra 2 people work at your reception.
Your BM (and her SO) was invited to your wedding when you asked her to be a BM. Asking someone to be a BM is asking them to partake in your wedding, i.e. attending it. Just because friend had to back out doesn't mean you should uninvited her.

I've actually already purchased the BM dress for my family member in the wedding. What about my fiance? Doesnt this now mean we should invite his friends too? The reason why we can't add 2 -4 more people because I know unexpected expenses will come up. There's no where else we can cut, my FH and I have reviewed our budget several times and have already reduced down items like photography and food.

Maggie0829 · August 2015

Knottie17311410 said:

How tight is your budget that you cannot make work an extra 2 people? What happens if your dress alterations or your FIs suit ends up costing more than you budgeted? Will you uninvited more people from the wedding? There are ways to make your budget go farther. Tell your BM (since you only have 1 now) to wear whatever dress she already owns (then you don't have to buy it for her). You also do not have to pay for her makeup. You are going above and beyond in other areas of your budget, but can't make an extra 2 people work at your reception.
Your BM (and her SO) was invited to your wedding when you asked her to be a BM. Asking someone to be a BM is asking them to partake in your wedding, i.e. attending it. Just because friend had to back out doesn't mean you should uninvited her.

I've actually already purchased the BM dress for my family member in the wedding. What about my fiance? Doesnt this now mean we should invite his friends too? The reason why we can't add 2 -4 more people because I know unexpected expenses will come up. There's no where else we can cut, my FH and I have reviewed our budget several times and have already reduced down items like photography and food.

Did your FI verbally invite any of his friends to the wedding like you did? If not, then no he doesn't have to invite his friends. The reason you must invite this friend is because you have already invited her. Hopefully your FI can understand that.

thespeshulestsnowflake · August 2015

So if she hadn't stepped down and you made the same decision to cut the guest list to only family, would you have asked her to step down as a BM?

Viczaesar · August 2015

Knottie17311410 said:

How tight is your budget that you cannot make work an extra 2 people? What happens if your dress alterations or your FIs suit ends up costing more than you budgeted? Will you uninvited more people from the wedding? There are ways to make your budget go farther. Tell your BM (since you only have 1 now) to wear whatever dress she already owns (then you don't have to buy it for her). You also do not have to pay for her makeup. You are going above and beyond in other areas of your budget, but can't make an extra 2 people work at your reception.
Your BM (and her SO) was invited to your wedding when you asked her to be a BM. Asking someone to be a BM is asking them to partake in your wedding, i.e. attending it. Just because friend had to back out doesn't mean you should uninvited her.

I've actually already purchased the BM dress for my family member in the wedding. What about my fiance? Doesnt this now mean we should invite his friends too? The reason why we can't add 2 -4 more people because I know unexpected expenses will come up. There's no where else we can cut, my FH and I have reviewed our budget several times and have already reduced down items like photography and food.

Only if he's already invited and then uninvited them, just like you did with your friend. This is not so difficult to understand as you're pretending.

snowywinter · August 2015

Another vote for inviting your friend. It sucks that she stepped down, but by even askingn her to be a BM, you gave her an invitation. It doesn't matter that it wasn't a paper invite. It was still an invite. You can't dis-invite someone to your wedding without it ending the relationship. You should invite your friend. Any other adult (including your Fi and other friends) should be able to understand these unique circumstances.

LondonLisa · August 2015

You did un-invite her. So there really is no justification you can give. If you are SO close with her that you wanted her to stand up next to you to say your vows, then she should have been invited to the wedding, even if it was "family only".

This is why you shouldn't ask people to be in the wedding party until you actually know what your wedding is going to be!

But it sounds like you have your mind made up and don't feel guilty about disinviting her, so at least own it. And now realise that you probably lost a friendship over it. Yes, her reason to decline being a bridesmaid was a bit nutty, but she was perfectly within her right to decline.

Think about it this way: How offended would you be if I decide to host a dinner for your birthday to honour you, and you say: "Well I'd love to go to dinner, but it doesn't need to be in my honour!" and then I reply "Well, since you don't want this to be in honour of your birthday, I am going to host a dinner party on that day anyway but you aren't invited. You understand, right? I mean plans change, I shouldn't be penalised for scaling back". You would think that was beyond rude- because it is! She went from a position of honour to not even being invited!

redoryx · August 2015

Knottie17311410 said:

How tight is your budget that you cannot make work an extra 2 people? What happens if your dress alterations or your FIs suit ends up costing more than you budgeted? Will you uninvited more people from the wedding? There are ways to make your budget go farther. Tell your BM (since you only have 1 now) to wear whatever dress she already owns (then you don't have to buy it for her). You also do not have to pay for her makeup. You are going above and beyond in other areas of your budget, but can't make an extra 2 people work at your reception.
Your BM (and her SO) was invited to your wedding when you asked her to be a BM. Asking someone to be a BM is asking them to partake in your wedding, i.e. attending it. Just because friend had to back out doesn't mean you should uninvited her.

I've actually already purchased the BM dress for my family member in the wedding. What about my fiance? Doesnt this now mean we should invite his friends too? The reason why we can't add 2 -4 more people because I know unexpected expenses will come up. There's no where else we can cut, my FH and I have reviewed our budget several times and have already reduced down items like photography and food.

I'd like clarification on what reducing food at a wedding means.

Maggie0829 · August 2015

LondonLisa said:

This is why you shouldn't ask people to be in the wedding party until you actually know what your wedding is going to be!

I felt like this needed to be repeated in a larger manner so that lurkers can really take it in.

jenna8984 · August 2015

You keep making it seem like if this ONE friend is invited, then you automatically have to invite 50 more friends. This is not true. I had an imediate family only wedding (which came to 15 people) and then we each had our 2 best friends stand beside us (and their spouses were invited). There was absolutely no other friends who said "well she's not your family- how come she's invited and not me?!". Nope, not one. I was allowed to invite 2 friends and none other, just like you are allowed to do and should do. I know you're tight on budget but really 2-4 meals should not be that much in the grand sheme of your life to keep this good friend in your life.

southernbelle0915 · August 2015

Verbal invite = invite...whether you have a date, a venue, or whatever at the time of the verbal invite. So yes, what you did was wrong and hurtful and she has a very good reason to be pissed at you.

Now you COULD make it right by inviting her. And no, I don't believe for one second you can't find it in your budget for 2 more meals/chairs. Maybe it means you and your FI don't go out to eat this month. Maybe it means you skip centerpieces. Maybe it means you downgrade your HM hotel. Maybe it means you have a cake/punch reception versus a meal. I'm side eyeing someone who originally planned an 80 person wedding and now can't afford a meal and a chair for her best friend.

Honestly, I think you are punishing her for bowing out as a BM and you're using money as an excuse.

littlepep · August 2015

Maggie0829 said:

LondonLisa said:

This is why you shouldn't ask people to be in the wedding party until you actually know what your wedding is going to be!

I felt like this needed to be repeated in a larger manner so that lurkers can really take it in.

This cannot be emphasized enough. Do not ask your bridal party until you have wedding plans set.

banana468 · August 2015

littlepep said:

Maggie0829 said:

LondonLisa said:

This is why you shouldn't ask people to be in the wedding party until you actually know what your wedding is going to be!

I felt like this needed to be repeated in a larger manner so that lurkers can really take it in.

This cannot be emphasized enough. Do not ask your bridal party until you have wedding plans set.

And don't have the conversation, "Oh, I wanted you in the wedding party but now that you don't want to be in the wedding I don't want you at it either."

Oh wait, that sounds harsh, doesn't it?

Knottie17311410 · August 2015

For those of you who are making comments about my budget not being a good enough reason for expanding our guest list, it's unfortunate you're making this call when you don't have all of the details about me and my fiance's finances, work situation, etc. I posed this question out to get constructive feedback. While I've gotten a lot of constructive feedback, I've also gotten unnecessary subjective comments. I try to see everything from both sides and treat people respectfully. However, I have made mistakes along the way. When my friend said that she didn't want to be a part of the wedding and the way she said it was clear to me that she didn't want to be invited either. It wasnt until me and her talked later that she expressed that she expected an invite, despite what she had communicated with me before. So when my FI and I decided to scale back by not inviting friends (and a lot of family members), it was tough. And a lot of you are right, I shouldn't have asked until we had more finalized plans.

At this point, I'll send my friend an invite and if she comes, great, if she doesn't, no worries. I spoke to my fiance about it and he feels that she should not be invited because of our budget and the fact that she communicated with me she wasn't interested in being in the wedding or weddings in general. My plan is to send the invite and have another talk with her to apologize again and hopefully clear the air.

lyndausvi · August 2015

This board is actively suggests NOT to over spend. We also do not like rude people.

Fact is there are ways to have your smaller budget AND include those people you have already verbally invited. It might not have been your dream venue, but there are many ways to make it work. We have an entire budget bride board with users giving great information.

Ship seems to have sail here though.

Actions have consequences. You are just going to have to live with your friend being upset because of your own poor planning.

banana468 · August 2015

Knottie17311410 said:

For those of you who are making comments about my budget not being a good enough reason for expanding our guest list, it's unfortunate you're making this call when you don't have all of the details about me and my fiance's finances, work situation, etc. I posed this question out to get constructive feedback. While I've gotten a lot of constructive feedback, I've also gotten unnecessary subjective comments. I try to see everything from both sides and treat people respectfully. However, I have made mistakes along the way. When my friend said that she didn't want to be a part of the wedding and the way she said it was clear to me that she didn't want to be invited either. It wasnt until me and her talked later that she expressed that she expected an invite, despite what she had communicated with me before. So when my FI and I decided to scale back by not inviting friends (and a lot of family members), it was tough. And a lot of you are right, I shouldn't have asked until we had more finalized plans. At this point, I'll send my friend an invite and if she comes, great, if she doesn't, no worries. I spoke to my fiance about it and he feels that she should not be invited because of our budget and the fact that she communicated with me she wasn't interested in being in the wedding or weddings in general. My plan is to send the invite and have another talk with her to apologize again and hopefully clear the air.

To the first bolded, even if she said that she didn't want to GO to weddings or just BE in one? If you looked around, you'd see that even those who verbally say that they CAN'T go to a wedding should still be invited if they were on the guest list or if they received a STD.

To the second bolded, your FI's opinion here is not really fantastic since you two together kind of blubbered this up. If anything, you should be showing your FI the list of rational people removed from your planning blunder who still think that you two should have invited her to the wedding.

AddieCake · August 2015

I just re-read your post when she dropped out. You did not indicate at that time that she had said anything about not wanting to even go or about weddings in general. You only said she dropped out because the next wedding she is in should be her own.

Knottie17311410 · August 2015

lyndausvi said:
This board is actively suggests NOT to over spend. We also do not like rude people.

Fact is there are ways to have your smaller budget AND include those people you have already verbally invited. It might not have been your dream venue, but there are many ways to make it work. We have an entire budget bride board with users giving great information.

Ship seems to have sail here though.

Actions have consequences. You are just going to have to live with your friend being upset because of your own poor planning.

Well, I guess that you didn't read the fact that I said that our financial situation unexpectedly changed, and we had to scale back. I'm fully aware of the budget brides page and have followed it, and I'very done a lot of things to cut back in all areas of my life including the wedding.

Knottie17311410 · August 2015

You're right, and thanks for the fact check. At the time of the the original post I didn't address the other statements that she made, because I was a little hurt by at the time by how she went about it and didn't feel the need to go into EVERYTHING she told me.

onefootinthebayou · August 2015

Sounds like OP is going to invite her and apologize, which is unquestionably the right thing to do.

OP, you did get some subjective comments and conjecture b/c in our OP, you didn't mention the fact that your friend "made it clear to you she didn't want to be invited either". That's a pretty critical detail. What you both failed to recognize at the time, and I'm sure you've learned by now, is that when you asked her to be IN your wedding, you were inviting her. PPs have it covered and then some, but you really can't uninvite her and still be in accordance with etiquette or good manners. The fact that your FI doesn't understand this and is trying to use it as leverage to invite his friends is troublesome.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

So don't serve food.. Have cake and punch which it sounds like what you can afford. Have this after the wedding. Invite a few more friends who may be hurt by you not including.

littlepep · August 2015

Knottie17311410 said:

For those of you who are making comments about my budget not being a good enough reason for expanding our guest list, it's unfortunate you're making this call when you don't have all of the details about me and my fiance's finances, work situation, etc. I posed this question out to get constructive feedback. While I've gotten a lot of constructive feedback, I've also gotten unnecessary subjective comments. I try to see everything from both sides and treat people respectfully. However, I have made mistakes along the way. When my friend said that she didn't want to be a part of the wedding and the way she said it was clear to me that she didn't want to be invited either. It wasnt until me and her talked later that she expressed that she expected an invite, despite what she had communicated with me before. So when my FI and I decided to scale back by not inviting friends (and a lot of family members), it was tough. And a lot of you are right, I shouldn't have asked until we had more finalized plans. At this point, I'll send my friend an invite and if she comes, great, if she doesn't, no worries. I spoke to my fiance about it and he feels that she should not be invited because of our budget and the fact that she communicated with me she wasn't interested in being in the wedding or weddings in general. My plan is to send the invite and have another talk with her to apologize again and hopefully clear the air.

I don't think anyone here is trying to be mean to you, but we are trying to explain the mistake you have made. When you get defensive or ignore what we are saying, people get frustrated and that's probably where the "snarky" comments from. If no one wanted to help you, they wouldn't have responded.

Unless you friend explicitly said, I do not want to attend your wedding, I don't think it was fair of you to say she didn't want to attend. Asking someone to be in your wedding implies that they will get an invite, regardless of whether or not they say yes. I'm glad you see your mistake and are correcting it.

People here have a lot of good advice if you are willing to listen. No one expects you to never make a mistake; they just expect you to be open to them pointing out your mistake and offering ways to correct it.

aurianna · August 2015

RachelLee83 said:

So don't serve food.. Have cake and punch which it sounds like what you can afford. Have this after the wedding. Invite a few more friends who may be hurt by you not including.

This definitely works (just make sure the wedding isn't at a meal time. Ceremony at 2pm or ceremony after 8pm).

Though earlier did you say you were going to cut back on food? I'm also curious what you meant by that?

Teddy917 · August 2015

Knottie17311410 said:
So
justsie said:

Knottie17311410 said:

banana468 said:

Knottie17311410 said:

banana468 said:
You thought of her enough to BE in the wedding that you wanted her to be in it regardless of the date. If you wanted her to be IN the wedding then you must have wanted her AT the wedding.

These are logical conclusions.

The lack of date is immaterial. That's like saying that a change in date might mean that your engagement itself is potentially off.

And even if you want to stand there and be "right" there are many people who disagree with you. Do you want this person to remain your friend? Because what you did at minimum warrants a huge apology on your part.
So, with that being said, I will apologize to her for be not being able to add her to the guest list. Lesson learned on my part. I would hope that she would understand that financially we can't make it work to have friends there. Also, I think my fiance would see it as me being selfish if I added my frind and none of his friends could be there.

Just out of curiosity, what if she came back to you and said, "I can make it work! I'd like to be a BM!" What would you do then before all this came out??
While I would love for her to be a part of it, I would have to tell her unfortunately I can't add to my wedding party because we'be made the decision on our budget. I didn't go to one of my other friends to try to take her spot, so im okay with having 1 bridesmaid. Adding her back into the wedding party would impact the budget because I'm paying for the bridesmaid dress and make up (in additoon to expected itwms like flowers) and because we've scaled back, I wouldn't be able to do it.

BOXES HAVE LEFT

You wouldn't be adding to your wedding party, you'd be having the exact number that you initially planned on having. Look, you asked her to be in the wedding. It's not her fault that you now don't have the budget. In your OP, you said nothing about budget but stated that you now didn't want this friend to come because she wasn't family- which is still rude because she has already been invited. Now, its budget. I don't know if your just back-peddling, or adding to your story, but either way uninviting your friend is rude. Don't require your BMs to have hair and makeup and BOOM, there is some money saved. It doesn't sound like she wants to be a BM either, so you don't have to pay for her dress/or anything else.

It's not that you aren't able to do it, you're just refusing to. At least own up to it.

I think you misread my OP. I stated that budget was our reason for cutting the guest list. My friend made it clear that she did not want to be in the wedding and my fiance and I made the decision together due to budget to only invite family. I just want to make that completely clear. Please go back and read my OP.

Actually you didn't mention budget at all in your OP.

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