Small wedding etiquette question

adwks · August 2015

I'm having a very small wedding in a bit over a year. We're only planning on having a few people, like parents/grandparents/siblings and then a friend or two. We don't have large immediate families so this comes out to 6 people on my side and 7 on his (I'm including SOs in that count). The wedding will take place in the pastor's office at our church, and then we'll take everyone out to dinner at a fancy restaurant.

Is there a nice way to let folks know after the fact that we got married? We do have lots of extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins, godparents and the like. I'm not trying to send them something in order to get gifts or anything and we're not doing a big party later. I just sort of feel a bit like we're eloping and it's rude not to let folks know.

Any thoughts or suggestions would be welcome.

jacques27 · August 2015

Send out wedding announcement postcards after the fact (as soon as possible afterwards). Doesn't have to be elaborate - just announcing that you and FI got married on X date. If you have any pictures from the day quickly enough, you can include a picture and get them from someplace like Vistaprint.

CMGragain · August 2015

jacques27 said:

Send out wedding announcement postcards after the fact (as soon as possible afterwards). Doesn't have to be elaborate - just announcing that you and FI got married on X date. If you have any pictures from the day quickly enough, you can include a picture and get them from someplace like Vistaprint.

Not postcards! This is what formal wedding announcements are for! The wording is strictly traditional, and you can use Vistaprint invitation designs.

Bride's Full Name
and
Groom's Full Name
announce their marriage
Date
City, State

or

Mr. and Mrs. John Bridesparents
announce the marriage of their daughter
Bride's First Middle
to
Mr. Bridegroom's Full Name
Date
City, State

No other information should be included. This does not mean that people should send you a gift, but they might send congratulation cards.

jacques27 · August 2015

OMG! The horror! I forgot that will invalidate their marriage! I shall hurl myself down a flight of stairs at the suggestion! And make sure to use as many exclamation marks while doing so!!!!11!!1!eleventy1!

CMGragain · August 2015

jacques27 said:

OMG! The horror! I forgot that will invalidate their marriage! I shall hurl myself down a flight of stairs at the suggestion! And make sure to use as many exclamation marks while doing so!!!!11!!1!eleventy1!

Sorry that you have a problem with etiquette.

adwks · August 2015

Thank you for the advice! I'm glad to see there is a procedure for this type of thing!

lc07 · August 2015

CMGragain said:

jacques27 said:

Send out wedding announcement postcards after the fact (as soon as possible afterwards). Doesn't have to be elaborate - just announcing that you and FI got married on X date. If you have any pictures from the day quickly enough, you can include a picture and get them from someplace like Vistaprint.

Not postcards! This is what formal wedding announcements are for! The wording is strictly traditional, and you can use Vistaprint invitation designs.

Bride's Full Name
and
Groom's Full Name
announce their marriage
Date
City, State

or

Mr. and Mrs. John Bridesparents
announce the marriage of their daughter
Bride's First Middle
to
Mr. Bridegroom's Full Name
Date
City, State

No other information should be included. This does not mean that people should send you a gift, but they might send congratulation cards.

I just received a very lovely large postcard from my cousin announcing her recent marriage with a type written note on the back that was obviously the same message sent to everyone about their recent marriage. I loved it. What makes this against etiquette?

CMGragain · August 2015

Postcards are informal. They may be used as STDs, but not invitations or announcements. Wedding announcements are formal by their very nature. An informal way of informing people is to make a phone call. I won't even get into announcing your marriage on Facebook. Ugh.
This is the etiquette board. You may not agree with formal etiquette, but it does exist.

PS. If the postcard was in an envelope, then it is no longer a post card, and counts as traditional correspondence because the message is private.

redheadbride15 · August 2015

CMGragain said:

Postcards are informal. They may be used as STDs, but not invitations or announcements. Wedding announcements are formal by their very nature. An informal way of informing people is to make a phone call. I won't even get into announcing your marriage on Facebook. Ugh.
This is the etiquette board. You may not agree with formal etiquette, but it does exist.

PS. If the postcard was in an envelope, then it is no longer a post card, and counts as traditional correspondence because the message is private.

This is an interesting point that I'd never thought of. I'm an informal gal and would probably use a postcard, but it's true that it is less private unless it's in an envelope because then everyone who sees the mail could read the announcement (mail carrier, other household members, maybe neighbors if you live in an apartment building). I think most people won't care in most circumstances, but I can understand the distinction.

lc07 · August 2015

CMGragain said:

Postcards are informal. They may be used as STDs, but not invitations or announcements. Wedding announcements are formal by their very nature. An informal way of informing people is to make a phone call. I won't even get into announcing your marriage on Facebook. Ugh.
This is the etiquette board. You may not agree with formal etiquette, but it does exist.

PS. If the postcard was in an envelope, then it is no longer a post card, and counts as traditional correspondence because the message is private.

I'm not trying to be argumentative. I really just don't understand why it is against etiquette. Is informally telling people about your marriage (for example via postcard) rude?

huskypuppy14 · August 2015

CMGragain said:

Postcards are informal. They may be used as STDs, but not invitations or announcements. Wedding announcements are formal by their very nature. An informal way of informing people is to make a phone call. I won't even get into announcing your marriage on Facebook. Ugh.
This is the etiquette board. You may not agree with formal etiquette, but it does exist.

PS. If the postcard was in an envelope, then it is no longer a post card, and counts as traditional correspondence because the message is private.

That's kind of what facebook is for. Now, I agree that grandma shouldn't find out on facebook that you were married, but there is nothing wrong with acquaintances finding out this way.

I've never received a wedding announcement. You either are invited to the wedding, find out verbally, or see it on facebook.

I've received many baby announcements that were postcards though. This kind of seems like a "victiimless etiquette crime". Like tuxes before 6, or printing directly on the envelope.

redoryx · August 2015

huskypuppy14 said:

CMGragain said:

Postcards are informal. They may be used as STDs, but not invitations or announcements. Wedding announcements are formal by their very nature. An informal way of informing people is to make a phone call. I won't even get into announcing your marriage on Facebook. Ugh.
This is the etiquette board. You may not agree with formal etiquette, but it does exist.

PS. If the postcard was in an envelope, then it is no longer a post card, and counts as traditional correspondence because the message is private.

That's kind of what facebook is for. Now, I agree that grandma shouldn't find out on facebook that you were married, but there is nothing wrong with acquaintances finding out this way.

I've never received a wedding announcement. You either are invited to the wedding, find out verbally, or see it on facebook.

I've received many baby announcements that were postcards though. This kind of seems like a "victiimless etiquette crime". Like tuxes before 6, or printing directly on the envelope.

Exactly. I mean, what, is a couple never supposed to change their status to "married" and just stay "engaged" for the rest of their lives?

adwks · August 2015

huskypuppy14 said:

CMGragain said:

Postcards are informal. They may be used as STDs, but not invitations or announcements. Wedding announcements are formal by their very nature. An informal way of informing people is to make a phone call. I won't even get into announcing your marriage on Facebook. Ugh.
This is the etiquette board. You may not agree with formal etiquette, but it does exist.

PS. If the postcard was in an envelope, then it is no longer a post card, and counts as traditional correspondence because the message is private.

That's kind of what facebook is for. Now, I agree that grandma shouldn't find out on facebook that you were married, but there is nothing wrong with acquaintances finding out this way.

I've never received a wedding announcement. You either are invited to the wedding, find out verbally, or see it on facebook.

I've received many baby announcements that were postcards though. This kind of seems like a "victiimless etiquette crime". Like tuxes before 6, or printing directly on the envelope.

Is it wrong to do a wedding announcement? Most of the family I'm thinking of is older and wouldn't see anything on social media anyway. I guess we could call them, but I wanted to do something a little less informal, plus there is a ton of older people and sending something out would be easier. In my family if one twice removed cousin's step brother's grandmother didn't get a phone call it would be a huge thing. Sending out an announcement to everyone seemed like a way to avoid that particular issue.

CMGragain · August 2015

Wedding announcements are very proper. They are done two ways. 1. Family and friends who were not invited to the wedding are sent formal announcements. 2.. It is printed in the newspaper.

In the past, people didn't travel long distances to attend weddings, and weddings were usually much smaller than today. Non-guests were included by being sent a formal announcement. As I p0sted earlier, this does not mean that they should send the couple a gift, though this is always an option.

Just because you have never received one, doesn't mean that there is something wrong with it. It is a very old and respectable tradition.

SP29 · August 2015

@Knottie1438570338 No, no one is saying not to send a wedding announcement- that is what you should do. Other posters are just interested in a discussion regarding the formality of wedding announcements.

I don't think CMGragain meant you can't change your Facebook status. I think she was referring to that, say if you had an intimate or private ceremony/reception, that you shouldn't be letting your family and friends who weren't invited know via Facebook.

I would be fine to receive a "postcard" announcement, but I do get what CMGragain is saying- by it being "open" it becomes informal and anybody's business.

Anyone whom we particularly cared to directly notify that we were married was invited to our wedding, so announcements weren't needed. Anyone else found out verbally/in person, and sure, acquaintances found out via FB. But those people are not people whom we regularly interact with (thus acquaintances).

If you are having a small wedding and would like to directly notify any friends or family members (such as twice removed cousin's step brother's grandmother), then a formal announcement would be the way to go.

ETA: Similarly, friends of ours had wedding photo printed as their Thank You note. It was technically a post card (in design and material) but was mailed to us in an envelope, thus making it a formal correspondance.

huskypuppy14 · August 2015

CMGragain said:

Wedding announcements are very proper. They are done two ways. 1. Family and friends who were not invited to the wedding are sent formal announcements. 2.. It is printed in the newspaper.

In the past, people didn't travel long distances to attend weddings, and weddings were usually much smaller than today. Non-guests were included by being sent a formal announcement. As I p0sted earlier, this does not mean that they should send the couple a gift, though this is always an option.

Just because you have never received one, doesn't mean that there is something wrong with it. It is a very old and respectable tradition.

I never said there was anything wrong with it. I just don't think they are as common as they were back in the day. I think an announcement is a perfect solution for the OP, though.

adwks · August 2015

SP29 said:

@Knottie1438570338 No, no one is saying not to send a wedding announcement- that is what you should do. Other posters are just interested in a discussion regarding the formality of wedding announcements.

I don't think CMGragain meant you can't change your Facebook status. I think she was referring to that, say if you had an intimate or private ceremony/reception, that you shouldn't be letting your family and friends who weren't invited know via Facebook.

I would be fine to receive a "postcard" announcement, but I do get what CMGragain is saying- by it being "open" it becomes informal and anybody's business.

Anyone whom we particularly cared to directly notify that we were married was invited to our wedding, so announcements weren't needed. Anyone else found out verbally/in person, and sure, acquaintances found out via FB. But those people are not people whom we regularly interact with (thus acquaintances).

If you are having a small wedding and would like to directly notify any friends or family members (such as twice removed cousin's step brother's grandmother), then a formal announcement would be the way to go.

ETA: Similarly, friends of ours had wedding photo printed as their Thank You note. It was technically a post card (in design and material) but was mailed to us in an envelope, thus making it a formal correspondance.

---

Oh good. I like the idea of a postcard type announcement with a picture in an envelope (even if the envelope didn't make it formal I'd worry that the postcard would get messed up without it). If we were having a large wedding I would absolutely invite all the folks who will get an announcement but I like the notion of this being a way of still including them.

Thank you for all the advice and the clarifications!

Pupatella · August 2015

Hi, I think announcement card / postcards are fine.

If you want to have a small get together afterwards, and invite people to a small celebration, that is what we are doing!!

We are having a small wedding where we currently live (only immediate family and friends are traveling in for us), and then we are both having post wedding bashes in our respective home towns. The post wedding bashes are really informal (think backyard BBQ). We did sent out invitations for the events, and included a small asterisk on the bottom "*no gifts requested", since these people are not being invited to our actual wedding. It's a way to include everyone in the festivities.

Good luck!!

CMGragain · August 2015

Knottie9076833 said:

Hi, I think announcement card / postcards are fine.

If you want to have a small get together afterwards, and invite people to a small celebration, that is what we are doing!!

We are having a small wedding where we currently live (only immediate family and friends are traveling in for us), and then we are both having post wedding bashes in our respective home towns. The post wedding bashes are really informal (think backyard BBQ). We did sent out invitations for the events, and included a small asterisk on the bottom "*no gifts requested", since these people are not being invited to our actual wedding. It's a way to include everyone in the festivities.

Good luck!!

Oh, no! You never mention gifts in an invitation.

KatWAG · August 2015

Knottie9076833 said:

Hi, I think announcement card / postcards are fine.

If you want to have a small get together afterwards, and invite people to a small celebration, that is what we are doing!!

We are having a small wedding where we currently live (only immediate family and friends are traveling in for us), and then we are both having post wedding bashes in our respective home towns. The post wedding bashes are really informal (think backyard BBQ). We did sent out invitations for the events, and included a small asterisk on the bottom "*no gifts requested", since these people are not being invited to our actual wedding. It's a way to include everyone in the festivities.

Good luck!!

Ewwww. Would you really ever request a gift?

ShesSoCold · August 2015

Can whoever throws me that lake house shower put "lavish gifts requested" on the invitation?

Maggie0829 · August 2015

ShesSoCold said:

Can whoever throws me that lake house shower put "lavish gifts requested" on the invitation?

But we will make sure to not use postcards for anything involved with the shower because apparently they will invalidate your shower making you have to return any gift you receive.

Pupatella · August 2015

Ha!! Totally aware of the etiquette of not mentioning gifts on the invitation. Try telling this to my mother who insisted on doing her own invitations for her post wedding bash though.

Pupatella · August 2015

The reason I let it go is because she's thinking of it as a wedding shower for us, and was going to list our registry information on the invites. I don't want any gifts since these guests are not attending our actual wedding.

Can I also mention that she combined two invitation template styles into one, so it looks super tacky!?

Some things are better just left alone. It's her party, and her invites, so I'm letting her do what she wants. She is sending them from her address, and the RSVP's are going back to her, so at least they are not coming from us.

We are doing our wedding day our way.

CMGragain · August 2015

Knottie9076833 said:

The reason I let it go is because she's thinking of it as a wedding shower for us, and was going to list our registry information on the invites. I don't want any gifts since these guests are not attending our actual wedding.

Can I also mention that she combined two invitation template styles into one, so it looks super tacky!?

Some things are better just left alone. It's her party, and her invites, so I'm letting her do what she wants. She is sending them from her address, and the RSVP's are going back to her, so at least they are not coming from us.

We are doing our wedding day our way.

I know. It's your day, and you can do anything you want. (Sarcastic font)

Perhaps the Etiquette Board isn't the best place for you to post your ideas. Your mother cannot properly ask anyone who is not invited to your wedding ceremony to ANY pre-wedding or postwedding parties. Gifts have nothing to do with it. This whole thing is a total mess. There is no such thing as a post-wedding shower, either.

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