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40-Plus Brides
Knottie79107591
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'Absent' Future In-Laws
My future in-laws are not in a position to financially contribute to our wedding; however, they do not appear interested in any wedding planning my fiancé and my parents and I have done so far. In fact, they live a distance away and seldom visit family in our area at all. I feel their attendance at our wedding will be merely as guests due to this situation. Therefore, I was wondering what must be done for them as far as 'parent of the groom' areas are concerned. My fiancé and I have already decided to forgo a photographer parent album for them and provide them with an alternative wedding album instead, but I wonder what obligation there is for the actual event .... corsage, gifts, etc. I find myself having difficulty wanting to provide them with the same gifts and treatment as may parents who are contributing to our wedding in countless ways. Looking for some advice as far as how much it 'too little' to do in this case .... thank you.
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Re: 'Absent' Future In-Laws
Thank you for the advice and feedback regarding my situation. The area where I was interested in receiving advice on obligations as far as gifts and tokens provided during the event are concerned. I guess my largest issue involves the lack of interest being expressed by these individuals and what exactly is 'required' to be provided to them on the wedding day. Providing them with an alternative wedding album from our event seemed to be a good alternative to me since I cannot with a good conscience provide them with the same quality professional album when they are treating this event as nothing more than a wedding to attend in the future. While I am trying to be sensitive to the feelings of those involved, I am also trying be mindful of the sacrifices my parents are making to provide me with the wedding they have dreamed of providing yet having future in-laws who are treating this as just any other wedding is something I am having difficulty. Also, these future in-laws have yet to visit any of the family, including us, living where we do yet we have visited a few times of the past year and contact between visits is extremely minimal. While my initial post may have had a spoiled and petty tone to it, as noted with the previous post, there is a lack of involvement - not just with the wedding - with these individuals. Therefore, I was looking for some kind of guidance as far as what is a reasonable to have to provide them for the wedding day, knowing a future is ahead of us as well.
Wow - some of the most candid opinions I've heard by far. He's understanding to my perspective and was agreeable to the wedding album situation. I guess we will follow our conscious as far as the situation is concerned since I'm not finding much guidance to help with this here.
Jen4948 - thank you, your perspective was probably the most helpful I've received from these posts. I appreciate it and thank you again.
They are still his parents. Give them the same album and certainly provide appropriate flowers for them.
Accept they will never have a movie level of relationship with you or their son but do not outwardly stoop to their level of rudeness. It just makes you look as bad as them.
Do you have to just rave about them to others? Do you have to go out of your way to just shower them with smiles and happiness? Nope. But be respectful and when you have to be around them. Remember the only person you can control is yourself and act the way a good adult would even if all you want to do is throw a lamp through a window.
You are posting on a 40+ bride board but admit "you are not even in this age group yet". With this disclosure, why then, would you assume that only woman over the age of 40 would respond to your thread? There are no secret codes or locks on any of the boards. As you can see, anyone of ANY age can and will make a comment.
Your broad stroke assumption that "younger" posters are "classless and immature" is the height of judgmental, and yet you complain about PP's passing judgment.
To answer the question of what is REQUIRED on the wedding day:
A chair to sit in
Food appropriate for the time of day
Everything available to all other guests
EVERYTHING must be hosted (no cash bar)
Respect
Nothing else is required for them OR your parents. However, should you choose to treat your parents better than your FI's, it's crappy and rude and may be an indicator of why they aren't super excited about you marrying their son.
My MIL did not spend a dime on our wedding. My parents offered to pay for the reception, my dress, the RD, and even paid for a GM to get his tux. We paid the rest. We never treated MIL differently when it came time for the gifts or corsages. Each mother was given a small nosegay bouquet to carry.
My parents and MIL (FIL is deceased) were given equal value gifts. MIL needed a new computer, so she was given a small netbook from a Black Friday deal. My parents didn't need anything, so we gifted them with the same amount of restaurant gift cards as we paid for MIL's computer.
Each mom was given the exact same photo album for Mother's Day. It was of the same quality.
The gifts to the parents is to thank them for raising you, its not a thank you for throwing me a fancy party.
OP - If you think posters were pointing out flaws or passing judgment on you, perhaps you should do a little reflection as to why you think that. Perhaps its because you are attempting to do something that could have long term impacts on your future relationship with FILs.
Also, OP, use the Quote button, not the Reply button, it does not function like it sounds like it should.