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Etiquette

Mini Vent

edited September 2015 in Etiquette
Fiance wants to B-list. His cousin has a friend and employee who is kind of like family. She works for him and they have remained close friends and she lives in a house he owns (for work purposes- he is a farrier and does a lot with an exchange program so he has a house where his students and apprentices can live).

She has come to the last few Easters and/or Thanksgivings with us as her family is in another state and she can't always go home.

Fiance didn't put her on the guest list 18 month ago. He didn't add her when I said last chance 5 weks ago when invites were sent. Now that we've had a handful of declines he wants to invite her. Our RSVPs are due back to us on 9/21. NO.

He said it's more rude to tell cousin to bring her along than to invite her now. I told him we wouldn't be doing that. We'd offer his cousin a plus one and he could choose whoever he wanted to bring. Maybe it would be this girl, maybe it would be the guy who rents a room in the basement. We don't get to tell him who to bring.

I explained that he's basically sending her a message that she's invited to come now only because we had declines since she didn't make the first cut. He said people he knows don't think like that. I guess it's gone over his head that he's marrying someone who thinks like that.

I can tell this is going to fester with him which means it'll bother me too probably for the whole 3 day weekend. Boooo!

ETA: cousin was invited alone; I asked if he was seeing anyone we could invite by name and he said no (he's a confirmed bachelor but dates a lot). Also, just want to say I have no problems with this girl. She's nice and down to earth, has been a good friend to fiance's cousin and his grandpa, who fiance's cousin has taken care of for a number of years. It's because I like her that I don't want to do something this rude to her.

ETAA he said that unless I'm dead set against it he's going to invite her. I told him I'm not going to be the one to make that decision. He asked if I would be angry and I said yes because I think it's rude and I don't like treating people rudely or seeming rude myself.

He went into some BS about rude being in the intention and it's not his intention to make her feel second class. And he doesn't seem to gey that he doesn't get to decide how this girl interprets things.

I told him whatever- your wedding too do what you want. I mean that, I'm not going to die on this hill but honestly I'll be angry at him for this. Gonna be a great weekend. Good thing he works tomorrow and Sunday.
SP29

Re: Mini Vent

  • TBH, we B-listed.  We had just moved into our house/got engaged when we sent out STDs in February.  Since that time, we have become pretty good friends w/ 2 sets of neighbors in our new neighborhood.  They started asking if they could come to the wedding (in a nice way).  Basically we told them if we get enough declines (we were at our max capacity), they could totally come.  

    We ended up having tons of extra room so I gave both families invitations.  They all seemed pretty understanding and are excited to come.  

    Also, side note, this is why I think you should not send STDs unless it's to VIPs or you're doing a destination wedding.  You pretty much really limit yourself to who you can invite to your wedding if you do that.
    Married 9.12.15
    image
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    TBH, we B-listed.  We had just moved into our house/got engaged when we sent out STDs in February.  Since that time, we have become pretty good friends w/ 2 sets of neighbors in our new neighborhood.  They started asking if they could come to the wedding (in a nice way).  Basically we told them if we get enough declines (we were at our max capacity), they could totally come.  


    We ended up having tons of extra room so I gave both families invitations.  They all seemed pretty understanding and are excited to come.  

    Also, side note, this is why I think you should not send STDs unless it's to VIPs or you're doing a destination wedding.  You pretty much really limit yourself to who you can invite to your wedding if you do that.
    Two wrongs, don't make a right. Your neighbors were super rude to ask, but telling them if you get declines is rude too.

    That said, a new friend of mine asked if they could come, they weren't invited, other friends present whined for them to get an invite, so I caved and mailed them an invite that night. It was wrong of me and I don't advise others to be rude like me.

    Since the woman in op story didn't rudely ask to be invited, I agree with op not to b list her. It could really hurt the woman's feelings. Just say no to b listing.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    TBH, we B-listed.  We had just moved into our house/got engaged when we sent out STDs in February.  Since that time, we have become pretty good friends w/ 2 sets of neighbors in our new neighborhood.  They started asking if they could come to the wedding (in a nice way).  Basically we told them if we get enough declines (we were at our max capacity), they could totally come.  

    We ended up having tons of extra room so I gave both families invitations.  They all seemed pretty understanding and are excited to come.  

    Also, side note, this is why I think you should not send STDs unless it's to VIPs or you're doing a destination wedding.  You pretty much really limit yourself to who you can invite to your wedding if you do that.
    You limit yourself in that you have to invite anyone who got a STD. You are allowed to invite more people than you gave STD to. It's only once the actual invitations go out and you get declines that you shouldn't invite any more people. 

    I sent every person invited a STD (which i don't recommend for everyone) but we had plenty of space in our venue (it held 350 and we only invited 160). A better thing to do is not be so close to your max capacity of the venue.
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    SP29
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    @feelytobe why didn't your FI invite this woman to begin with? Why wasn't she on the original invite list. Did you ask him that? Because if she's so important, she should have been invited to begin with.

     Clearly he didn't think she was important enough to invite, but now she's more important than what his future wife thinks? 
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    SP29AddieCakeredoryx[Deleted User]
  • @huskypuppy14 I haven't asked yet but my hunch is that it might have to do with Grandpa. But that's completely a hunch.

    I don't want him to do this "for me." I want him to figure out that he's ring rude to someone he deems important enough to invite.

    I also think he would have put her on the list from the get-go but we had a pretty hard cap at about 110 people for budget (not space) reasons. His family and the three coupled of friends he invited make up just over 70% of the guest list so I think he left her off for that reason.

    We'll see if we talk about it further today. I have to let him know that if he b-list invites her that he has to make sure he finds out whether or not she has an SO because we have to invite him/her too. I don't think that has even crossed his mind...
    SP29[Deleted User]
  • @mollybarker11 So true! I agree. I would be more embarrassed about asking to be invited than I would "hurt" that I wasn't invited! 

    I never feel comfortable inviting myself to something unless I have been formally or directly verbally invited, so I won't go. 

    A co-worker of mine left up an open invitation to the dance portion of her reception (I know, eek!) to all of us in the department. I know a few people who went. If I had been formally invited, I probably would have went, even with the etiquette faux-pas, but I didn't go because I would have felt VERY uncomfortable showing up and hoping that the B&G had wanted me there. 

    Actually, another coworker did this too- let up an open invitation to all the department to attend the dance portion of her reception. A couple people went, but I didn't because I'm pretty firm on that if someone wants me to be somewhere, they would invite ME. 

    OP- I would bring up to your husband the fact of, "If she is so important to invite, she should have been on the initially guest list", and that you must find out if she has an SO, who should also be invited. 

    @julieanne912 STDs are not required for all guests, thus you could continue to add to your guest list until invitations are set to go out. It's only B-listing when you start inviting people after RSVPs are due based on the declines you are getting; particularly when people plan from the beginning "we are going to invite *this* list of people if we get enough declines". 

    I think the point, which you mentioned, that is most informative for lurkers and others planning, is to leave yourself a buffer and do not fill your guest list to the capacity (whether that is budget or space) before invitations are ready to be sent. 

    Relationships change. Anyone who received a STD must receive an invite, so you may have a friend who you were close to at 9 months before the wedding but maybe something happened after and you no longer want to invite them. Or you became new friends with someone, or multiple people who you now wish you could invite. Or one of your guests enters into a relationship before invitations go out, these people must still be invited with their SO. 
  • edited September 2015
    We topped off at 110 so we would have a buffer as there are a few singles on the list who I wanted to be sure we had room to add their SOs if they started dating between when the list was made and when invites were sent.

    The point is he had 3 opportunities to add her and didn't- when the list was first made, when we sent STDs, and when invites were sent.

    If she wasn't on the radar at any of those moments why is she now?

    He asked this morning if he called her and explained would I still be upset at inviting her. Um, so instead of just *implying* she's second tier you're going to flat out TELL her she is?! Dude- WTF? I don't get why he doesn't get this.

    I should be adding this to the nope thread I put on chit chat a few days ago.

    ETF typos
  • Did he actually add anyone when you said "OK last chance"?  I suspect he wasn't really thinking about it at the time. 

    I was super annoyed about my MIL adding people at the last minute (just because I didn't really want more of her people, not because I had strong feelings about being rude - I will likely never see them again), but if my DH had wanted to, I don't think it would have been a big deal. 

    To your FI it probably honestly doesn't have anything to do with getting declines and having room.  Maybe someone suggested her and he thought oh yeah I should have put her down.  Have you asked him yet?  Can he go over and hand deliver an invite so there is no labor day lag in the mail?

    My DH had very little say in the guest list, he turned it over to his mother because he didn't want to bother.  If he had thought of someone he really wanted though - well his feelings trump his friend's IMO. 

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    lc07
  • We topped off at 110 so we would have a buffer as there are a few singles on the list who I wanted to be sure we had room to add their SOs if they started dating between when the list was made and when invites were sent. The point is he had 3 opportunities to add her and didint- when the list was first made, when we sent STDs, and when invites were sent. If she wasn't on the radar at any of those moments why is she now? He asked this morning if he called her and explained would I still be upset at inviting her. Um, so instead of just *implying* she's second tier you're going to flat out TELL her she is?! Dude- WTF? I don't get why he doesn't get this. I should be adding this to the nope thread I put on chit chat a few days ago. ETF typos
    I agree with this. Just because FI thought of someone last minute, and isn't intending to be rude, doesn't mean it isn't rude. That's why you plan in advance... make a list, check the list, double check the list.... 

    Luckya23- This also isn't an issue of adding some last minute guests before the invites get sent tomorrow, the OP and her FI have already sent their invites out and NOW that there are declines, FI is trying to invite someone. 
    [Deleted User]
  • TBH, we B-listed.  We had just moved into our house/got engaged when we sent out STDs in February.  Since that time, we have become pretty good friends w/ 2 sets of neighbors in our new neighborhood.  They started asking if they could come to the wedding (in a nice way).  Basically we told them if we get enough declines (we were at our max capacity), they could totally come.  

    We ended up having tons of extra room so I gave both families invitations.  They all seemed pretty understanding and are excited to come.  

    Also, side note, this is why I think you should not send STDs unless it's to VIPs or you're doing a destination wedding.  You pretty much really limit yourself to who you can invite to your wedding if you do that.
    Sending invites to people who didn't get STDs is okay. It's not sending invites to people you will send invites to if others decline that's bad. Relationships change and you might become close to people you weren't close to when STDs went out. You're allowed to send them invites.
    SP29
  • julieanne912julieanne912 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited September 2015
    TBH, we B-listed.  We had just moved into our house/got engaged when we sent out STDs in February.  Since that time, we have become pretty good friends w/ 2 sets of neighbors in our new neighborhood.  They started asking if they could come to the wedding (in a nice way).  Basically we told them if we get enough declines (we were at our max capacity), they could totally come.  

    We ended up having tons of extra room so I gave both families invitations.  They all seemed pretty understanding and are excited to come.  

    Also, side note, this is why I think you should not send STDs unless it's to VIPs or you're doing a destination wedding.  You pretty much really limit yourself to who you can invite to your wedding if you do that.
    Sending invites to people who didn't get STDs is okay. It's not sending invites to people you will send invites to if others decline that's bad. Relationships change and you might become close to people you weren't close to when STDs went out. You're allowed to send them invites.
    I'm aware of that.  Our original guest list was at the maximum the venue could hold, and we sent STDs to everyone on the list.  So, we couldn't invite anymore due to space, but were stuck inviting people we probably could have removed in favor of people we became closer to between the STD time and the invite time, had we not sent them STDs.  Most of those people ended up declining anyway.  Our 198 person guest list ended up being 130 guests actually coming.
    Married 9.12.15
    image
  • So then the lesson is to know for a fact that you want to invite someone before sending them a STD, not only sending STDs to VIPs.
    SP29
  • SP29 said:



    We topped off at 110 so we would have a buffer as there are a few singles on the list who I wanted to be sure we had room to add their SOs if they started dating between when the list was made and when invites were sent.

    The point is he had 3 opportunities to add her and didint- when the list was first made, when we sent STDs, and when invites were sent.

    If she wasn't on the radar at any of those moments why is she now?

    He asked this morning if he called her and explained would I still be upset at inviting her. Um, so instead of just *implying* she's second tier you're going to flat out TELL her she is?! Dude- WTF? I don't get why he doesn't get this.

    I should be adding this to the nope thread I put on chit chat a few days ago.

    ETF typos

    I agree with this. Just because FI thought of someone last minute, and isn't intending to be rude, doesn't mean it isn't rude. That's why you plan in advance... make a list, check the list, double check the list.... 

    Luckya23- This also isn't an issue of adding some last minute guests before the invites get sent tomorrow, the OP and her FI have already sent their invites out and NOW that there are declines, FI is trying to invite someone. 


    I get that - I'm saying I wouldn't be that bothered by it personally. My dh wouldn't have thought that far ahead and if he suddenly had a strong opinion 1 month before the wedding, I would accommodate that before worrying about the etiquette particulars of the situation.

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  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    luckya23 said:

    SP29 said:



    We topped off at 110 so we would have a buffer as there are a few singles on the list who I wanted to be sure we had room to add their SOs if they started dating between when the list was made and when invites were sent.

    The point is he had 3 opportunities to add her and didint- when the list was first made, when we sent STDs, and when invites were sent.

    If she wasn't on the radar at any of those moments why is she now?

    He asked this morning if he called her and explained would I still be upset at inviting her. Um, so instead of just *implying* she's second tier you're going to flat out TELL her she is?! Dude- WTF? I don't get why he doesn't get this.

    I should be adding this to the nope thread I put on chit chat a few days ago.

    ETF typos

    I agree with this. Just because FI thought of someone last minute, and isn't intending to be rude, doesn't mean it isn't rude. That's why you plan in advance... make a list, check the list, double check the list.... 

    Luckya23- This also isn't an issue of adding some last minute guests before the invites get sent tomorrow, the OP and her FI have already sent their invites out and NOW that there are declines, FI is trying to invite someone. 
    I get that - I'm saying I wouldn't be that bothered by it personally. My dh wouldn't have thought that far ahead and if he suddenly had a strong opinion 1 month before the wedding, I would accommodate that before worrying about the etiquette particulars of the situation.

    Not me, bc despite my previous post, I wound be super offended by being b listed. So I would definitely worry about the etiquette particulars, since i know I'd be offended if I was b listed, even if it was by one of my short sighted friends.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

    SP29
  • edited September 2015
    Guys it's not like he decided this a week after invites were sent. The damn responses are due the 21st, he told me Friday night; we're 30-some days away.

    Unless this girl is living under a rock or really stupid (she is neither as far as I can tell) she will KNOW she's been B-listed.

    What do you guys think about him yelling her we got hers RTS? If he's set on this, I'd at least like to find a way to do it that might soften the blow...

    Edited because I swear my keyboard is weird.
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    Guys it's not like he decided this a week after invites were sent. The damn responses are due the 21st, he told me Friday night; we're 30-some days away.

    Unless this girl is living under a rock or really stupid (she is neither as far as I can tell) she will KNOW she's been B-listed.

    What do you guys think about him yelling her we got hers RTS? If he's set on this, I'd at least like to find a way to do it that might soften the blow...

    Edited because I swear my keyboard is weird.

    If he's willing to lie to her face, then I'd let him. Yep, it's not cool. But it's better than b listing. As long you're confidant he won't start fibbing to you, I'd consider looking the other way.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • This may have resolved itself. Fiance called cousin to get girl's number and explain why and cousin said he was going to ask if he could bring her. So I'm trying to get fiance to just leave it at that and not send her an invite- he seems on-board right now.

    Not worried about him lying /fibbing to me. He's honest to a fault sometimes.

    Thanks ladies!
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    luckya23 said:
    We topped off at 110 so we would have a buffer as there are a few singles on the list who I wanted to be sure we had room to add their SOs if they started dating between when the list was made and when invites were sent. The point is he had 3 opportunities to add her and didint- when the list was first made, when we sent STDs, and when invites were sent. If she wasn't on the radar at any of those moments why is she now? He asked this morning if he called her and explained would I still be upset at inviting her. Um, so instead of just *implying* she's second tier you're going to flat out TELL her she is?! Dude- WTF? I don't get why he doesn't get this. I should be adding this to the nope thread I put on chit chat a few days ago. ETF typos
    I agree with this. Just because FI thought of someone last minute, and isn't intending to be rude, doesn't mean it isn't rude. That's why you plan in advance... make a list, check the list, double check the list.... 

    Luckya23- This also isn't an issue of adding some last minute guests before the invites get sent tomorrow, the OP and her FI have already sent their invites out and NOW that there are declines, FI is trying to invite someone. 
    I get that - I'm saying I wouldn't be that bothered by it personally. My dh wouldn't have thought that far ahead and if he suddenly had a strong opinion 1 month before the wedding, I would accommodate that before worrying about the etiquette particulars of the situation.
    I wouldn't be bothered by it either, but that's not how etiquette works. 
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  • we sent out our invites and a week later i was like omg we forgot to send one to one of hubbys groomsmen only reason why we forgot about him was because we didnt have his new adresse and my mom and grandma were helping me fill and address all the envelopes.

    b listing is wrong very wrong

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