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Invites and Paper

Does this count as an SO?

This is more curiosity than anything, as the person in question likely won't get an invite anyway. But, if one of our guests is in a relationship with a married man, does he count as her SO who needs an invite? To clarify, she is his mistress, and the wife knows has no idea.
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KnotRiley

Re: Does this count as an SO?

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    No, but if you give her a plus one, she is welcome to bring him.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    Maggie0829catd291
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    My MIL had a 20+ year long affair with a married man.  I invited him because I think of him as her SO.   He has attend other family weddings and other events.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Not even a little bit in the context of a wedding invite.
  • Like a PP said, they are not a social unit, so you do not have to invite him.  But if you were to give her a plus one, there is a decent chance she would bring him.

  • My late mother wanted to invite her ex-husbands to my wedding so she could dance with them.  I happily informed her that I couldn't invite them without their current wives.  That ended THAT discussion!
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    TheCheeseWenchthefanciestbecklervivelepunkQOTC2016
  • what happens when the wife sees the invite??
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    what happens when the wife sees the invite??
    in my case I sent the invite to MIL with his name on it, so the wife never saw the invite.

    The wife knew about the affair.  They were Catholic and the wife refused to get a divorce.  They had some strange arrangement.  They lived in different sides of a duplex.  

     Think of Spencer Tracy and Kathryn Hepburn.  Tracy was married, but had a long term relationship with Hepburn.   Warren Buffett had a similar arrangement.  It was only after his first wife died did he marry is mistress of 30 years.   Buffett and his first wife lived apart for 30 years, but never divorced.  He supported her too.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • edited August 2015
    lyndausvi said:
    what happens when the wife sees the invite??
    in my case I sent the invite to MIL with his name on it, so the wife never saw the invite.

    The wife knew about the affair.  They were Catholic and the wife refused to get a divorce.  They had some strange arrangement.  They lived in different sides of a duplex.
    I think it's one thing if the wife knows, but as far as I know this isn't the case here. It just feels so wrong to have a man there who is purposefully spitting on our vows while we takes ours. At this point it looks unlikely this person will be getting an invite, but if she does we will be sure not to be giving a +1. I'm fine with extending an invitation to invite a date or a friend so she's not there alone, but I guess I will inquire as to whom she would like that to be and invite them by name.

     
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  • She doesn't even get a plus one. Period. My dad has a mistress and she sure as hell isn't invited. 

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  • Spoonsey said:
    Thanks guys, I was just a little unsure, and am trying not to make any missteps etiquette wise.

    It's a good point about the +1. I hadn't really considered that, but we are considering giving her a +1... It's shame we can't address it to "Ms. Doe and guest, with exception of Mr. Dirt Bag." Jk. Sort of.


    This situation itself is truly not funny

    However, my sister addressed wedding invitations for me. I had a dream that she addressed one to Mr. Joe Smith and the DIrty Mistress.

    steen425JediElizabeth
  • You're right, it's not funny, and I'm sorry if it seemed like I was making light of it.  This situation is so freakin' sad and hurtful on many different accounts.  Both of these people have pretty low moral standards, but we've known that about this woman for awhile now.  As it stands, she's not getting an invite, but that could change.  We still have 11 months to go, a lot of things could happen in that time. 
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  • When someone is having an affair with a married person, they are very much aware that they will be alone on holidays and family events like weddings and birthdays,. This is one good reason why indulging in an affair with a married person is STUPID and self destructive.  Truth.
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  • I find it amazing that they even expect you to invite them both.  Perhaps we are too provincial, but I think this is really tacky.  Frankly, I would not invite either one.  Because if the wife finds out, it may come back to bite you big time in the butt, i.e., 1) he comes alone and does not invite wife, and 2) he brings mistress and wife finds out.  Whomever this person is closest to - either you or your groom, explain that hey, I'd like you to come, but if you do, come with your wife. Otherwise, I prefer you not attend at all.  I don't want any trouble because of your situation.  He should understand if he is any kind of man.
  • I find it amazing that they even expect you to invite them both.  Perhaps we are too provincial, but I think this is really tacky.  Frankly, I would not invite either one.  Because if the wife finds out, it may come back to bite you big time in the butt, i.e., 1) he comes alone and does not invite wife, and 2) he brings mistress and wife finds out.  Whomever this person is closest to - either you or your groom, explain that hey, I'd like you to come, but if you do, come with your wife. Otherwise, I prefer you not attend at all.  I don't want any trouble because of your situation.  He should understand if he is any kind of man.
    Wow.  You got the question completely wrong.  The person that is getting invited is a Woman who is in a relationship with a married man.  Also, even if you right and the guy with a wife AND a mistress was the one getting invited, a call with explanation to bring your wife or nobody would not be required because only the people who have received an invitation are invited.  So since the guy would be invited With his Wife, it would not have to be explained to him that he can't bring his mistress.
    Jen4948
  • Spoonsey said:
    lyndausvi said:
    what happens when the wife sees the invite??
    in my case I sent the invite to MIL with his name on it, so the wife never saw the invite.

    The wife knew about the affair.  They were Catholic and the wife refused to get a divorce.  They had some strange arrangement.  They lived in different sides of a duplex.
    I think it's one thing if the wife knows, but as far as I know this isn't the case here. It just feels so wrong to have a man there who is purposefully spitting on our vows while we takes ours. At this point it looks unlikely this person will be getting an invite, but if she does we will be sure not to be giving a +1. I'm fine with extending an invitation to invite a date or a friend so she's not there alone, but I guess I will inquire as to whom she would like that to be and invite them by name.

     
    To be fair, though, he's spitting on HIS vows, not yours. His cheating has no effect whatsoever on your relationship. Arguing that it does is as silly as someone saying gay people getting married has an effect on their (straight) marriage.
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    thespeshulestsnowflakeredoryxMyNameIsNot[Deleted User]
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    Spoonsey said:
    I'm fine with extending an invitation to invite a date or a friend so she's not there alone, but I guess I will inquire as to whom she would like that to be and invite them by name.

    What happens if it's him?  You ask for a name, and get his....are you prepared on how you would respond?

    I'm asking because I'm in a similar situation and instead of even dealing with my friend bringing her boyfriend, I just wont invite her :(

  • Spoonsey said:
    I'm fine with extending an invitation to invite a date or a friend so she's not there alone, but I guess I will inquire as to whom she would like that to be and invite them by name.

    What happens if it's him?  You ask for a name, and get his....are you prepared on how you would respond?

    I'm asking because I'm in a similar situation and instead of even dealing with my friend bringing her boyfriend, I just wont invite her :(

    If we asked for a name and got his we wouldn't invite him. If that was the only way she would attend is if he could also come we'd happily mark her RSVP as "no."

    I'm assuming your friend is dating someone else's BF/husband? If this is just the SO of your friend whom you don't really care for then he needs an invite regardless of your feelings.

    Take note though, this person isn't a good friend of ours. She's someone on FI's side whom he felt obligated to invite, but didn't really want to. We've recently had a row with her, and she isn't currently on the guest list. If this was a close friend of mine I might respond differently.

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