MOH Bailed..

ryanandjoe4 · June 2015

Soo, I had a friend that I have known since 6th grade, she is a close friend, and although I knew she would be busy, and not have time to help, I never expected her to help.. all I ever expected was her to buy a dress (not a picked dress had 4 requirements, Davids bridal, long, Color, and since the others all picked satin, satin.. actually I even told her that if she liked another fabric let me know we can figure it out..), and show up as my longest closest friend. I sent her over the last 6 months dresses that were on sale for 39.99 -99.99. I even offered to buy her dress, but have her pay me back out of $ that I am helping her get (selling horse stuff, she is not longer needing) she actually told me "I was planning on using that to build up my savings".

I never put ANY pressure on her to even attend the extra events, she does her own hair I was OK with that, I am paying for their makeup, all she had to do was buy a dress. my other bridesmaid (who has overly happily stepped up to be my MOH now) has been helping with out me asking, she has stepped up and is super excited about it..

Now I am left with 3 bridesmaids, and he has 4 Groomsman,I am not too stressed about the numbers, but I am OCD, and the uneven numbers are annoying.. I have a friend that I met after I had asked the bridesmaids, and feel like I could ask her if she would want to be a bridesmaid. is it too short of notice? I don't want to make her feel like "well she bailed so would you?". I plan on saying something like, we became such good friends so quickly, and I had thought at one point I wish she was around before I had picked my bridesmaids, because the girl that bailed was for sure a bad choice from the beginning, I see that now, hindsight 20/20 right..

I am feeling like this is a chance to have a less stressful "lineup" the only real stress I have had so far is the girl that removed her self, she wasn't married, no kids, living with her parents. she for sure made all of it all about her, and she made me see why people pick a dress, and become this demanding bridezilla.. which so far I am being told (hope its true) that I am "the most relaxed bride anyone has dealt with" some have even admitted they wouldn't have handled this as I have.. She is who she is, I never expected her to change just for me and my wedding, that's why I never put the pressure on or asked for more than her to stand there that day as my MOH..

inconceivable14 · June 2015

I'm so sorry your MOH bailed - that is tough, and confusing, and hurtful. I think you handled it the best you could.

I wouldn't add someone else as a bridesmaid at this point, but you could definitely ask your friend to be apart of the day in another way. Are you having any readings at your ceremony? She could be a reader, if so.

frenchiekin · June 2015

Did she actually give you a reason for not wanting to be your MOH anymore? If she agreed to be your MOH and buy the dress in the beginning, and was very clear on your expectations (which were ONLY that she buy the dress, within the budget SHE set), and she is now backing out because it's too much money, well, shit happens. Maybe she didn't budget accordingly from the beginning and is now realizing she simply can't afford the dress. How she spends or saves her money is her business only.

If she didn't give a clear reason, I would maybe have a heart to heart with her, to make sure everything with her is ok. Like, a non-wedding related conversation as a friend. I would assume that she is your best friend if you chose to honor her by asking her to be your MOH, so just make sure you are doing the best you can as her friend, not as the bride, to make sure things are ok with her.

You say she was a "bad choice from the beginning"... why is that? I think we need more details.

Either way, sorry you are going through this and I hope the friendship can be repaired. I would not ask someone else to fill in for her. Even sides do not affect your wedding or marriage in any way - don't burden yourself with stress about things that are not really that important in the grand scheme of things!

ryanandjoe4 · June 2015

@frenchiekin she gave many reasons, busy, money, she didn't think she was a good choice. nothing that I didn't try to help in some way. I am helping her make some money (horse stuff is not cheap, and hold value, it is also large items so not like $50..), she needed to move some things, and mentioned hiring a mover, I have a truck and my FH and I both offered to help her instead of hiring movers but she refused the help. I have not talked to her about the wedding at all before this, other than when she brought up things excitedly about what she could to, to which "I said that would be great, if you want to" I would have a back up plan because I know she over schedules herself often. she was talking about the shower and the B-party, my other bridesmaids, FML, my mother offered help, with houses to host it at, pot-luck, decorations.. basically I feel as though she has told me that even though your helping me out with all this, and driving all over town to help me, I cant even spare anything for you..

I think she was a bad choice from the beginning because before I even asked her I was bending over backward to make my wedding easier on her.. I told her while asking her, don't let what others think a MOH should do pressure you, I am only asking you to be up there with me, as my MOH.

frenchiekin · June 2015

ryanandjoe4 said:

@frenchiekin she gave many reasons, busy, money, she didn't think she was a good choice. nothing that I didn't try to help in some way. I am helping her make some money (horse stuff is not cheap, and hold value, it is also large items so not like $50..), she needed to move some things, and mentioned hiring a mover, I have a truck and my FH and I both offered to help her instead of hiring movers but she refused the help. I have not talked to her about the wedding at all before this, other than when she brought up things excitedly about what she could to, to which "I said that would be great, if you want to" I would have a back up plan because I know she over schedules herself often. she was talking about the shower and the B-party, my other bridesmaids, FML, my mother offered help, with houses to host it at, pot-luck, decorations.. basically I feel as though she has told me that even though your helping me out with all this, and driving all over town to help me, I cant even spare anything for you..

I think she was a bad choice from the beginning because before I even asked her I was bending over backward to make my wedding easier on her.. I told her while asking her, don't let what others think a MOH should do pressure you, I am only asking you to be up there with me, as my MOH.

That sucks, I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like she might have some other personal issues going on, or maybe just had no real interest in being in your wedding but didn't know how to express that... which is ok, some people just hate being in weddings. It also sounds like you have been there as a friend for her but she doesn't seem to be reciprocating (regardless of the wedding). If she's always been that way, you know she won't change for your wedding. If you want to work on the friendship but don't feel she is being a good friend, maybe it's time for a heart to heart with her. I hope things work out.

[Deleted User] · June 2015

I'm sorry to hear that, OP. I feel your pain! We're in a situation where we may lose a groomsman because his wife is pregnant and due on our wedding date. We've decided that if he cannot make it, we will go on without replacing him--it wouldn't be fair to be like "Hey! Cousin Bob! Can you fill in last minute as a groomsman? Our other guy bailed. Sorry you weren't a first choice... no hard feelings, right?"

Plenty of people have uneven wedding parties, you just have to figure out a creative solution for pictures and the processional!

peachy13 · June 2015

Sorry to hear that, OP. I'm echoing PPs to 1) don't ask someone else to be a replacement bridesmaid. It's insulting... mostly because 2) uneven sides aren't a problem. Not a problem at. all.

If I were you I would reach out to your friend and see what went wrong, and make sure she's okay.

MorgPie · June 2015

I am SO SORRY this happened to you! Ultimately, I don't think the numbers should matter too much, and I wouldn't ask someone at this point just to keep numbers even because it is kind of late in the game and you don't want it to be perceived as an afterthought. That being said, you should do whatever will make you most happy.

I am so glad your other friend is more than happy to step up and help out-- that is a gem of a friend! But it must be a tremendous disappointment for you to have such an old and close friend drop the ball like that. Perhaps she didn't realize how overwhelmed she would be but it sounds like you made it incredibly easy for her, so I don't understand what the h*ll her deal was...It is completely on her that she didn't gracefully find a way to tell you "no thank you" from the get go, or tell you much sooner than this.

Is she still coming to the wedding as a guest?

Thoughts are with you girl!!

ryanandjoe4 · June 2015

I told her I hope to see her at the wedding, but then she seemed disappointed that she would be "just a Guest". and asked if I wanted her to "just dress nice and coordinate the day?"

I politely told her that I am not in need of someone to coordinate the day, that all my vendors have worked with each other numerous times, and with my detailed timeline it should go fairly smoothly. (I didn't mention I also have 2 other maids that are being amazing, and a mother that photographs weddings so is prepared to keep the day rolling, or that I don't trust her to coordinate..)

[Deleted User] · June 2015

Yikes. Sorry to hear that, @ryanandjoe4. I'm super confused as to why she would duck out as MOH and then ask to have a different special part in your wedding... sounds like someone doesn't know what she wants!

ryanandjoe4 · September 2015

SO, An update to this.. it is time for RSVP's.. and she is someone I had to kindly remind to respond.. I send pretty much the same thing to everyone.. while this may seem impersonal, it was a time save since there were 20 people I had to get a hold of..

anyways, most got back to me quickly with a number of people coming. except the great non-answer that I got from my previous MOH.. she gave some reason of "well you know how weddings make me feel" and you didn't give me a +1 (has been told for the last year that to save $$ we are having a small only close friends and family wedding with no +1's.. so this was not a surprise to her).. and says "well the bride and groom are usually busy talking to other guest they do not see often.. while true we will be busy, there is other people there that she knows... I asked her twice now for "a simple yes or no" and "is that a no" but keep getting non-answers and excuses... I have already wrote her off as not coming, but SSSOOOO ANNOYING. I want to go off on a tangent about how disappointed in how she has treated me and didn't want to lose a friend over this one day, but I am starting to think she isn't a friend worth having... we have talked and hung out since the act of bailing, and have not discussed the wedding at all until today..

so I added a meme to my signature that sums up my feelings.. I have tried to be understanding and not let it all get to me, but what is it about weddings that brings out peoples true character?

[Deleted User] · September 2015

@ryanandjoe4 That meme is KILLING me! So true. I'm sorry to hear about your flakey friend... it's unfortunate that some people have to make everything all about them. Hope everything gets resolved comfortably for you!

frenchiekin · September 2015

ryanandjoe4 said:

SO, An update to this.. it is time for RSVP's.. and she is someone I had to kindly remind to respond.. I send pretty much the same thing to everyone.. while this may seem impersonal, it was a time save since there were 20 people I had to get a hold of..

anyways, most got back to me quickly with a number of people coming. except the great non-answer that I got from my previous MOH.. she gave some reason of "well you know how weddings make me feel" and you didn't give me a +1 (has been told for the last year that to save $$ we are having a small only close friends and family wedding with no +1's.. so this was not a surprise to her).. and says "well the bride and groom are usually busy talking to other guest they do not see often.. while true we will be busy, there is other people there that she knows... I asked her twice now for "a simple yes or no" and "is that a no" but keep getting non-answers and excuses... I have already wrote her off as not coming, but SSSOOOO ANNOYING. I want to go off on a tangent about how disappointed in how she has treated me and didn't want to lose a friend over this one day, but I am starting to think she isn't a friend worth having... we have talked and hung out since the act of bailing, and have not discussed the wedding at all until today..

so I added a meme to my signature that sums up my feelings.. I have tried to be understanding and not let it all get to me, but what is it about weddings that brings out peoples true character?

It sucks she is being this way. What does she mean by "You know how weddings make me feel"? Is she against marriage? Did she go through a tough breakup and still gets sad at weddings? That can be understandable but it's unfortunate that she may not be able to pull that together to come support her close friend.

Regarding the +1s, does she have a significant other? If she's in a relationship, then her SO must be invited. That would not be considered a +1, since +1s are for truly single people to bring a guest of their choosing. If she is in a relationship, then her significant other must be invited by name. If that is the case, then I can understand her being upset about this. Although, it sounds like it's not and she is just upset that she can't bring a friend with her. If so, it was rude of her to complain to you about that.

If she keeps dragging it out, just let her know that you need to know by X date to turn in your final numbers (make that a couple days before they are actually due to the caterer), and that if you don't hear from her definitively by then, you will put her down as a No.

So sorry, OP - I really hope this works out and comes to a solution you are happy with, even if it means distancing yourself from the friendship.

ryanandjoe4 · September 2015

She isn't in a relationship, swears she will never get married, but in the same conversation will say she feels behind in life everyone is married and having kids..

I am letting it go if she gets back to me great if she doesn't then fine. I think what was so annoying is her complaining to me about all the reasons she didn't want to come, then not even telling me she was not coming for sure. After all that has happened I think I will be there for her if she comes around, but I will not seek her out for much any more. I have continued to invite her to different things but it is up to her to make the effort at this point.

I almost cant wait for her wedding to come around, since I know it will be a big deal, and see how she feels when people start treating her this way..

MOH Bailed..

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