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Etiquette

Two Weddings, One Family

I recently found out a distant cousin is planning her wedding for the same timeframe as I am, October 2016. Although we aren't close, we share quite a few family members (including grandparents) who would need and want to attend both events. The current problem is that I don't know what date she has picked, if any. FI and I have booked our venue and have a solid date of October 15th, 2016. I want to prevent making family members choose between weddings, but I'm not sure how/if I should bring it up to her, especially considering she isn't on my guest list. Like I'll be telling her about my wedding even though she isn't invited...

Should I bring up the fact that we've chosen our date and booked our venue? If so, how do I approach her without sounding like a jerk. I probably already do. 

Re: Two Weddings, One Family

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    You could ask one of your common relatives like your grandparents if they've heard if she has set a date.

    PupatellaanjemonMesmrEwe
  • You're overthinking this. Plan your wedding, send out save the dates as soon as possible, and let your family decide which wedding to attend. I agree with PPs - do NOT bring up your plans with this cousin, especially since she's not even invited.

    My sister and I got married about 6 weeks apart, and there were family members who only attended one of the weddings (mainly the ones who live very close to my sister, but far from me), there were other family members who attended both, and many who attended neither. Their choosing which/whether to attend didn't have as much to do with how close our weddings were to each other time-wise as much as it did with travel distances, their own preferences, and their budgets.
    BabyFruit Ticker
    [Deleted User]SP29
  • I recently found out a distant cousin is planning her wedding for the same timeframe as I am, October 2016. Although we aren't close, we share quite a few family members (including grandparents) who would need and want to attend both events. The current problem is that I don't know what date she has picked, if any. FI and I have booked our venue and have a solid date of October 15th, 2016. I want to prevent making family members choose between weddings, but I'm not sure how/if I should bring it up to her, especially considering she isn't on my guest list. Like I'll be telling her about my wedding even though she isn't invited...

    Should I bring up the fact that we've chosen our date and booked our venue? If so, how do I approach her without sounding like a jerk. I probably already do. 
    Do you know that person in your family that knows all of the details of everyone's life and all of the gossip? Call him / her to see if your cousin has set a date.

    Also, would your family need to travel for the weddings? If most are in town, then I don't think attending two wedding in the same month would be too much of an issue, unless of course the weddings are on the same day.

    All you can do is send out your STD's, and go from there.

  • Call your grandparents to tell then the good news, you have a date and venue. Ask them to please save the date avid write it on the calendar. Then send your STDs, but call granny and grampy first.
    Call your VIP common relatives and tell them to Save The Date.  Everyone else can wait to get the regular save the dates or just plain wait for the invitations.  But if you have common relatives who are on your VIP list, just tell them now.
    SP29
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited September 2015
    Agree that I would call up your shared VIPs and let them know of your wedding plans. This can be done verbally, you don't need to rush to send STDs, or send them at all. 

    Generally when picking a wedding date it's a good idea to clear it with your VIPs. Of course you can't keep a tally on which date works best for *everyone*, and likely there is someone who can't make it, but if there is someone you really want there (i.e. grandma and grandpa), it would not be weird for you to ask them "does October work?". 

    Otherwise, send your invitations as planned and carry on. You each get one day, so even if your cousin has planned her wedding for October, neither of you is going to change your date. Let your guests decide if they will attend either wedding. 
  • How distant are these cousins? I'm trying to understand how someone could be a distant cousin, but close relatives to your grandparents?
    SP29STARMOON44
  • anjemonanjemon Minnie and Paul (MN) member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    First I would ask grandma/grandpa and your gossipy relative if they know a firm date. While you're on the phone with them, I think it's a great idea to tell them your firm date. Just so they know the potential issue. And maybe see if they can pass on the date to cousin so she doesn't accidentally double book (if she hasn't already picked a date).

    If grandparents/gossipy relative don't know, I might consider talking to the cousin about it. I have a bad frame of reference because all my cousins are pretty close, but I think you could send her a message on FB or something. She might still chose to schedule on her desired date (and that's fine) but she might move the day if you had picked the same weekend.
    image
  • bizzy592 said:
    How distant are these cousins? I'm trying to understand how someone could be a distant cousin, but close relatives to your grandparents?
    I could see GPs wanting to go to the wedding of a second cousin (their niece or nephew, or niece/nephew's child) - depending on geography, family dynamics, etc., they could be very close to them while the OP was not. Just as a guess.

    For the OP, I agree with PP's. Just call them up with a verbal STD. Maybe mention to them that you heard so-and-so is going to be married in that month, too....most likely, your grandparents will take the hint and make sure to give her a heads up on your day. 
    Knottie1439487487
  • bizzy592 said:
    How distant are these cousins? I'm trying to understand how someone could be a distant cousin, but close relatives to your grandparents?

    Depending on family dynamics and the size, I could easily see this happening. I come from a large family and I don't really know any of my dad's cousins (my first cousins once removed) let alone their kids (my second cousins) but when my grandma was still alive they would come to our family reunions so it would not have been unheard of for them to invite my grandma to their wedding. 
    image
    Knottie1439487487
  • edited September 2015
    I was more or less just worried about having our weddings end up on the same date out of concern for our guests. It's not an attempt to be selfish by having a month or year all to myself. We have a large family and I maybe see her once a year, if that. We have no relationship outside of the occasional family event we both attend. 

    I do appreciate the guidance though. My mom had suggested contacting my cousin directly, I thought it would be rude to contact her about a wedding she wouldn't receive an invite to. 
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    anjemon said:
    First I would ask grandma/grandpa and your gossipy relative if they know a firm date. While you're on the phone with them, I think it's a great idea to tell them your firm date. Just so they know the potential issue. And maybe see if they can pass on the date to cousin so she doesn't accidentally double book (if she hasn't already picked a date).

    If grandparents/gossipy relative don't know, I might consider talking to the cousin about it. I have a bad frame of reference because all my cousins are pretty close, but I think you could send her a message on FB or something. She might still chose to schedule on her desired date (and that's fine) but she might move the day if you had picked the same weekend.
    No.  Don't do any of this.

    You don't need to know her wedding date, she can pick whatever day she wishes to get married, including your exact wedding date.  Just let your VIPs know your wedding date, send out your STDs, and leave it up to your guests to decide what they want to do.  Like I said before, besides your cousin, they might get invited to other weddings in that same month. . . are you going to try and find out if all of your guests' friends, extended families, co-workers etc. have people who are engaged and planing October 2016 weddings so that you can find out their wedding dates too?

    You don't need to involve other family members in a hunt for her wedding date- it will just make you look petty, like you are trying to ensure ppl come to your wedding over hers.  Send out your STDs, talk to your VIPs.  I'm sure if they talk to this cousin and her wedding comes up and she mentions a potential date, they will let her know that they have a conflict with that date.  This is why you should always discuss potential dates with VIPs prior to putting down deposits and booking venues.

    Do not ask your cousin about her wedding date, especially since you are not planning on inviting her to yours.  If a family member pressed me on my wedding date and then tried to get me to change it just because he/she also wanted to get married in that same month and yet wasn't going to invite me to the wedding, so my presence *was not* their concern with my wedding date, I'd laugh at him/her and tell them to get over themselves, and that they are free to move their own wedding to whatever date they wish if they don't want to "compete" with my wedding.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    redoryxSP29
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