Bridal Party

WesternMA0516 · July 2015

I'm new! I've read a lot in the past two days and I know that only I can choose my wedding party and that I want to go with my nearest and dearest. With that said, I know that while everyone continues to tell me that "it's your day!", many others have feelings and expectations about it which is making it more complicated when I think about choosing my bridesmaids.

We're getting married next May. FI plans to have 5 groomsmen, including my brother, and 4 close friends. He's debating including his BIL of 2 years, who he is getting closer to.

I have conflicted feelings about who to choose. I have 2 sisters, he has 2 sisters, and I have 1 long-time best friend who I plan to include, no matter what.

I'm considering including 2 or 3 friends who I work with, who I've gotten close to over the past 8+ years. 8 years ago, the 4 of us did everything together. More recently, there's been disagreements that have pulled the group apart. Two of the three friends don't speak to each other after a bad argument last spring. I'm still on speaking terms with everyone. At this point, I'm really close to two of the women and would love for them to be apart of my day. The third is very wrapped up in being a mom and basically has told me that she doesn't have time to be a good friend. It is a struggle to maintain our friendship and I need to initiate any contact we have outside of work. From past experience with last spring's friendship ending argument, I know that asking the first two, but not asking the third to be a bridesmaid will end my friendship with her, plain and simple. Another reluctance is that she and I were in a wedding for one of the other girls a few years ago and she told me several times that she hates being a bridesmaid and never wanted to be in another one. Since I got engaged, the other two have expressed interest in being involved in the wedding and I know would love to be bridesmaids, and I would love having them. The third has not asked anything about the wedding and seems pretty disconnected that it is happening. All would still be invited to the wedding, no matter what.

So I feel like my choices are:
1. Decide now and just include sisters + best friend
2. Decide now and include sisters, best friend, 2 friends... likely ending friendship with 3rd friend.
3. Decide later (by mid October?) and figure out what feels right then... perhaps the absent friend will get closer or farther apart, making the decision easier.
4. Include everyone and see if the third friend is even interested. How does that conversation go? "Do you want to be a bridesmaid, or would you prefer to be guest?"

Which option do you think is the best at this point?

mrscomposer · July 2015

WesternMA0516 said:

I'm new! I've read a lot in the past two days and I know that only I can choose my wedding party and that I want to go with my nearest and dearest. With that said, I know that while everyone continues to tell me that "it's your day!", many others have feelings and expectations about it which is making it more complicated when I think about choosing my bridesmaids.

We're getting married next May. FI plans to have 5 groomsmen, including my brother, and 4 close friends. He's debating including his BIL of 2 years, who he is getting closer to.

I have conflicted feelings about who to choose. I have 2 sisters, he has 2 sisters, and I have 1 long-time best friend who I plan to include, no matter what.

I'm considering including 2 or 3 friends who I work with, who I've gotten close to over the past 8+ years. 8 years ago, the 4 of us did everything together. More recently, there's been disagreements that have pulled the group apart. Two of the three friends don't speak to each other after a bad argument last spring. I'm still on speaking terms with everyone. At this point, I'm really close to two of the women and would love for them to be apart of my day. The third is very wrapped up in being a mom and basically has told me that she doesn't have time to be a good friend. It is a struggle to maintain our friendship and I need to initiate any contact we have outside of work. From past experience with last spring's friendship ending argument, I know that asking the first two, but not asking the third to be a bridesmaid will end my friendship with her, plain and simple. Another reluctance is that she and I were in a wedding for one of the other girls a few years ago and she told me several times that she hates being a bridesmaid and never wanted to be in another one. Since I got engaged, the other two have expressed interest in being involved in the wedding and I know would love to be bridesmaids, and I would love having them. The third has not asked anything about the wedding and seems pretty disconnected that it is happening. All would still be invited to the wedding, no matter what.

So I feel like my choices are:
1. Decide now and just include sisters + best friend
2. Decide now and include sisters, best friend, 2 friends... likely ending friendship with 3rd friend.
3. Decide later (by mid October?) and figure out what feels right then... perhaps the absent friend will get closer or farther apart, making the decision easier.
4. Include everyone and see if the third friend is even interested. How does that conversation go? "Do you want to be a bridesmaid, or would you prefer to be guest?"

Which option do you think is the best at this point?

Thank you for having quite possibly the most well thought out and rational 'should I have her' post that I've read on here - and for not being concerned that the sides be even.

Honestly, I think that all of your choices are plausible. Option #1 would be simplest, for sure (as long as you don't put the work friends into some sort of 'honorary role' that isn't actually an honour if they're not bridesmaids). Would you be sad forever if the friendship with the third friend was lost? If not, then that's a viable choice, too. Asking her if she would prefer to be a guest is perfectly fine ("I know you've got a lot on your plate right now with your little one, and I know you said before that you don't want to be a bridesmaid, but I just wanted to ask if you'd like to be one of mine, or if you'd prefer to be a guest").

Basically I'm no help at all, I guess. But waiting until October might be the best choice to help you know exactly what you want. But if you do wait until October, make sure you don't ask anyone before that - even sisters and BFF. That way the work friends won't have a chance to feel like they were additions and not your first choices.

LD1970 · July 2015

I'd wait for October.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

WesternMA0516 said:

I'm new! I've read a lot in the past two days and I know that only I can choose my wedding party and that I want to go with my nearest and dearest. With that said, I know that while everyone continues to tell me that "it's your day!", many others have feelings and expectations about it which is making it more complicated when I think about choosing my bridesmaids.

We're getting married next May. FI plans to have 5 groomsmen, including my brother, and 4 close friends. He's debating including his BIL of 2 years, who he is getting closer to.

I have conflicted feelings about who to choose. I have 2 sisters, he has 2 sisters, and I have 1 long-time best friend who I plan to include, no matter what.

I'm considering including 2 or 3 friends who I work with, who I've gotten close to over the past 8+ years. 8 years ago, the 4 of us did everything together. More recently, there's been disagreements that have pulled the group apart. Two of the three friends don't speak to each other after a bad argument last spring. I'm still on speaking terms with everyone. At this point, I'm really close to two of the women and would love for them to be apart of my day. The third is very wrapped up in being a mom and basically has told me that she doesn't have time to be a good friend. It is a struggle to maintain our friendship and I need to initiate any contact we have outside of work. From past experience with last spring's friendship ending argument, I know that asking the first two, but not asking the third to be a bridesmaid will end my friendship with her, plain and simple. Another reluctance is that she and I were in a wedding for one of the other girls a few years ago and she told me several times that she hates being a bridesmaid and never wanted to be in another one. Since I got engaged, the other two have expressed interest in being involved in the wedding and I know would love to be bridesmaids, and I would love having them. The third has not asked anything about the wedding and seems pretty disconnected that it is happening. All would still be invited to the wedding, no matter what.

So I feel like my choices are:
1. Decide now and just include sisters + best friend
2. Decide now and include sisters, best friend, 2 friends... likely ending friendship with 3rd friend.
3. Decide later (by mid October?) and figure out what feels right then... perhaps the absent friend will get closer or farther apart, making the decision easier.
4. Include everyone and see if the third friend is even interested. How does that conversation go? "Do you want to be a bridesmaid, or would you prefer to be guest?"

Which option do you think is the best at this point?

IMO it is still pretty early to be choosing BMs. I believe the recommendation is 6 months out. I would wait until October to see where the relationships stand. If the one friend gets upset and ends the friendship over not being selected as a BM, that is on her. Frankly, I would hate to know I was chosen to be someone's BM out of obligation. Also, if you know she hates being a bridesmaid, why ask her to be one? If she hates it so much, I have a hard time believing that she would end her friendship with someone over not being chosen as a BM.

Bottom line: don't ask someone to be a BM out of obligation.

Jen4948 · July 2015

I'd wait until 6 to 8 months from your wedding and then make your picks.

To be honest, it sounds like it doesn't make sense to ask her. If she 1) told you that she doesn't have time to be friends with you, 2) told you that she hates being a bridesmaid, and 3) is threatening to end her friendship with you if you ask your other work friends but don't ask her, I don't understand why you would even consider retaining your friendship with her, let alone ask her to be your bridesmaid.

beachyone15 · July 2015

Definitely wait.

WesternMA0516 · July 2015

Thank you for having quite possibly the most well thought out and rational 'should I have her' post that I've read on here - and for not being concerned that the sides be even.

Honestly, I think that all of your choices are plausible. Option #1 would be simplest, for sure (as long as you don't put the work friends into some sort of 'honorary role' that isn't actually an honour if they're not bridesmaids). Would you be sad forever if the friendship with the third friend was lost? If not, then that's a viable choice, too. Asking her if she would prefer to be a guest is perfectly fine ("I know you've got a lot on your plate right now with your little one, and I know you said before that you don't want to be a bridesmaid, but I just wanted to ask if you'd like to be one of mine, or if you'd prefer to be a guest").
Basically I'm no help at all, I guess. But waiting until October might be the best choice to help you know exactly what you want. But if you do wait until October, make sure you don't ask anyone before that - even sisters and BFF. That way the work friends won't have a chance to feel like they were additions and not your first choices.

Thanks! I really did read in those two days the knot makes you wait to post.

I'm not ready to let go of the friendship. While she hasn't been such an awesome friend lately, we were very close and I get that her life has shifted and hope that it might swing back a little and she'll be a better friend.

I think I'll wait, but keep all this in mind.

WesternMA0516 · July 2015

Jen4948 said:

I'd wait until 6 to 8 months from your wedding and then make your picks.
To be honest, it sounds like it doesn't make sense to ask her. If she 1) told you that she doesn't have time to be friends with you, 2) told you that she hates being a bridesmaid, and 3) is threatening to end her friendship with you if you ask your other work friends but don't ask her, I don't understand why you would even consider retaining your friendship with her, let alone ask her to be your bridesmaid.

I hear ya. At moments, I wonder too... but she was a very good friend before she went a bit mommy crazy. I think I keep hoping that she might adjust to mom life and be a good friend again. It is also tricky because we work closely together each and every day, so not easy to completely let go.

WesternMA0516 · July 2015

jenandtonic81515 said:

IMO it is still pretty early to be choosing BMs. I believe the recommendation is 6 months out. I would wait until October to see where the relationships stand. If the one friend gets upset and ends the friendship over not being selected as a BM, that is on her. Frankly, I would hate to know I was chosen to be someone's BM out of obligation. Also, if you know she hates being a bridesmaid, why ask her to be one? If she hates it so much, I have a hard time believing that she would end her friendship with someone over not being chosen as a BM.

Bottom line: don't ask someone to be a BM out of obligation.

Thanks! I totally see your point... no one wants to feel included for the wrong reasons. I am going to wait and see what the next few months bring, but definitely leaning towards the first option.
I know she will be upset because I've seen how she reacts to being "left out". Simple things like eating lunch together or working out after work or telling someone something and not telling her lead to tear filled "Why aren't you including me?" conversations. And the reason she isn't being included is that for the past 2+ years (since she became a mom), she's said no or that she was too busy to everything and people have finally stopped asking, either because they think she'll say no or she'll say she's too busy. It's too bad. She was a great friend and I miss her.

WesternMA0516 · July 2015

I stink at quoting! My apologies. Thanks for all the feedback! I'm going to wait until October and reevaluate then.

AddieCake · July 2015

I like you, OP. I hope you stick around.

justsie · July 2015

WesternMA0516 said:

I stink at quoting! My apologies. Thanks for all the feedback! I'm going to wait until October and reevaluate then.

Odds are it wasn't you. The website is nortorious for messing up your quotes

laceykeo · July 2015

No help to add really, except I agree that this is the nicest new-person post in a while.

Knottie92548810 · July 2015

I realize you have probably figured this out, but wait. Also, Just because you ask her, doesn't mean she will say yes.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Another option is #3 to see how things go with everyong.

But more then likely, ask two friends you work with if you want them and invite the other as a guest and let the cards fall where they may fall in regards to your friendship. However, keep in mind how it could make life at work. Will she make going to work a daily nightmare for you? It would suck not to have the other girls in your wedding party, but if the Debbie Downer is going to make your lives all miserable at work, is it worth it?

Jen4948 · July 2015

Erikan73 said:

Another option is #3 to see how things go with everyong.

But more then likely, ask two friends you work with if you want them and invite the other as a guest and let the cards fall where they may fall in regards to your friendship. However, keep in mind how it could make life at work. Will she make going to work a daily nightmare for you? It would suck not to have the other girls in your wedding party, but if the Debbie Downer is going to make your lives all miserable at work, is it worth it?

The bolded would not stop her from being a Debbie Downer and/or making life a daily nightmare if she does get chosen. Someone who threatens to make your life miserable and makes you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around them should never be asked to be in one's wedding party. Any "consequences" are due to their bad behavior and rudeness-not the bride or groom's. And if she does make life miserable at work, the OP can and should report her to their bosses and HR (if any) for unprofessional behavior.

WesternMA0516 · September 2015

I'm back and still thinking about this.

Sisters and best friend have assumed they are bridesmaids. No one has been formally asked, but I know all assume they are in (which they are), so that's that.

Other friends are still as they were, sort of. One friend booked the same hotel as us for the night before and night of the wedding. The other two booked a hotel for the night of the wedding that's 30 minutes away for some reason, despite me sending them options that are much closer (at their request). At this point, I'm leaning towards excluding all three. One friend (the one with the same hotel) sat me down and told me that she knows I am thinking about this and that she is not hurt or offended and is so happy to just support me in any way she can, and will not have hurt feelings ... it was a bold conversation on her part, but I appreciated her honesty and just said "I haven't figured all the wedding party stuff out yet... waiting to see how FI feels about big wedding parties etc."

Just updating because I am so glad for your advice to wait... as I'm still so on the fence 2 months after my original post. FI feels like having 8 bridesmaids is a lot logistically (which isn't a great reason) and is supportive of whatever I decide but has mentioned the hotel thing and a few other issues as reasons to stick to option 1. I worry about hurt feelings... regrets on my part? insane logistics with 8 bridesmaids?

MobKaz · September 2015

WesternMA0516 said:

I'm back and still thinking about this.

Sisters and best friend have assumed they are bridesmaids. No one has been formally asked, but I know all assume they are in (which they are), so that's that.

Other friends are still as they were, sort of. One friend booked the same hotel as us for the night before and night of the wedding. The other two booked a hotel for the night of the wedding that's 30 minutes away for some reason, despite me sending them options that are much closer (at their request). At this point, I'm leaning towards excluding all three. One friend (the one with the same hotel) sat me down and told me that she knows I am thinking about this and that she is not hurt or offended and is so happy to just support me in any way she can, and will not have hurt feelings ... it was a bold conversation on her part, but I appreciated her honesty and just said "I haven't figured all the wedding party stuff out yet... waiting to see how FI feels about big wedding parties etc."

Just updating because I am so glad for your advice to wait... as I'm still so on the fence 2 months after my original post. FI feels like having 8 bridesmaids is a lot logistically (which isn't a great reason) and is supportive of whatever I decide but has mentioned the hotel thing and a few other issues as reasons to stick to option 1. I worry about hurt feelings... regrets on my part? insane logistics with 8 bridesmaids?

There are budgetary issues to consider with larger wedding parties as well. With eight BM's, that is the potential of adding a total of 16 people to your guest list. That is also 16 people added to an invitation to a rehearsal dinner, if one is held. That is also 8 gifts that would need to be purchased.

I'm not really sure why their hotel choice would be an issue. Perhaps the hotel 30 minutes out is less expensive. Perhaps those guests have family closer to that hotel and plan on visiting while in town for the wedding. No guest or bridal party member is under any obligation to stay at a particular hotel.

WesternMA0516 · September 2015

Thank you. I hadn't thought of all those costs.

And the hotel is totally random.. it is equal in cost, it isn't near their family, but I see where you're coming from. The only thing I can figure is it is a suites hotel and that isn't available closer to the wedding site, so I'm guessing they've decided to share a room, which will change the cost and give them a little more space. I totally agree they aren't obligated to stay somewhere specific but when they asked and I said these are close to wedding and where we are staying, I didn't think they would go so far away. I think it just shows me that they're looking at this differently then I expected. That's ok, but it is weighing in my mind in terms of our friendship and bridal party. For the friend who doesn't have time for me, It is highlighting some of my feelings about our friendship and where we stand.

fyrchk · September 2015

FTR, after being a bridesmaid 9 times, I told friends that I was out of the wedding business. I would come to their weddings, help in any way I could, but didn't want to be a bridesmaid anymore. One friend was upset as she wanted me to be a BM (she wasn't even engaged) but all of my friends supported my decision. I like to think I also made it easier for them if they were on the fence about me vs. someone else.

In the same breath, I can't get mad if someone doesn't ask me to be a BM after I made that "announcement." So, if girl #3 said that, I'd take her word for it. And if she tries to guilt trip you, I'd tell her that you were following her wishes.

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