Wedding Etiquette Forum

deleted

edited November 2015 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
thanks for the feedback and thank you for pointing out the problems. I appreciate the good advice!
«1

Re: deleted

  • Eh, I don't really have a problem with this... There are people out there who only have a ceremony and never sign the paperwork by their own choice. My ex-BF and his GF went to Burning Man this year and had a hand fasting ceremony there. They consider themselves married "in all ways except on paper", and they are upfront about the fact that they didn't actually go through with the paperwork (yet).

    It sounds like you're not doing a lot of the "wedding" things, like the dress and first dance; will your guests know that you're not going to make it legal for a few months? I would do your ceremony, but call it a hand-fasting ceremony on your invitations, rather than a wedding. And I would gladly attend such an affair if it were a close friend or family member.

    While it's a little unusual, I think this is a much better plan than having a PPD, so I'm glad you aren't going that route!
    BabyFruit Ticker
    [Deleted User]Pupatella
  • Hmmm... I can see why the hand-fasting ceremony would be meaningful to you. 

    The thing that irks me about PPDs in general, is the idea that signing the marriage license is "just a piece of paper". I mean, it IS a piece of paper, and DH and I were definitely "married in heart" years before we did get married, but I dislike the idea of getting married twice (couples who go to the court house so they can be married, and then have a "wedding"). 

    But overall, I think as long as you are honest with your family and friends about what you are doing and you don't have a plan to "re-create" your wedding again later (like in Oct 2017), it is fine. 
    madamerwinPupatella[Deleted User]
  • edited September 2015
    I can absolutely see why you want to make the formal commitment to each other prior to his deployment, but IMHO it seems odd that you aren't going to do it all at once when you have the opportunity to. I don't really see why this is any different to having a PPD and why the normal responses to that wouldn't apply here. Will all your guests know that it's not a wedding? If so, you might get some raised eye-brows but people can decide if they want to come or not. And regardless of whether the 'ceremony' comes months before or after the paperwork, the wedding anniversary is the date the papers are signed as that is when you will officially be married. Also, on a different note - will he be divorced with custody settled by the time of your hand-fasting ceremony? Because if he's not and this is in any way contentious a ceremony with you could be something his ex uses against him. ETA: I can't do paragraphs
    [Deleted User]simplylaurel
  • I do agree with comments about having the hand fasting ceremony and your FI still being married. Since you said his divorce papers would be finalized by the time he's deployed, but you need to wait 6 months until he can marry again legally, I assumed the hand fasting ceremony would be occurring after his divorce went through. 
    [Deleted User]PrettyGirlLost
  • edited November 2015
  • Oh, I missed the part about him still being married to someone else at the hand fasting ceremony... That complicates my opinion. While I have no problem with hand-fasting ceremonies in general, I would wait for his divorce to go through and plan the legal and ceremonial parts for spring when the divorce is final. As @redoryx pointed out, shit happens in divorce proceedings and it's probably best to hold off on planning until it's final.

    I understand wanting a specific date for sentimental reasons, but whatever day you choose to get married - be it October 14th or May 31st or whatever, it will become a special day to you after that point. Good luck with the planning!
    BabyFruit Ticker
    [Deleted User]Pupatellaredoryxlc07
  • edited November 2015
  • Why on earth have you booked a photobooth for 2017? That's absurd! You don't have a fiancé because he is still married. To someone else.
    MyNameIsNotOliveOilsMomInLoveInQueensMGP
  • FWIW, we still celebrate our dating anniversary (10 years in November! We're going to NOLA since it's a significant number) as well as our wedding anniversary (4 years as of June). Pretending to get married before his divorce is even final is, well, problematic at best. A date is seriously not that important and your wedding date will become important because it is your wedding date. There is plenty of time to plan a lovely wedding for some time between April and September of next year.
    image
    [Deleted User]PrettyGirlLost
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If I remember correctly, a handfasting was supposed to be done one year + one day before the wedding. If that's the case, you could do the handfasting in 2016 and the actual wedding in 2017. 

    Of course, a handfasting to someone who is still married to someone else would be completely meaningless, but you could do it during the waiting period. Still, I have no clue why you would invite guests to the handfasting over the wedding. 

    Putting a specific wedding date ahead of logistics and having important people there is just stupid. There's no way around that. I too am dumbfounded that you've already booked a photobooth for 2017. That makes no sense. 
    [Deleted User]InLoveInQueens
  • edited November 2015
  • Nope. Still incredibly stupid. Who books a photobooth before, like, a venue? What?!?

    He's married. It's offensive to be planning a wedding to him.
    InLoveInQueensMGP
  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited September 2015
    I assume that you have some pagan/Celtic influences if you're doing a handfasting - I'm not sure if any Christian or other more mainstream traditions have them, so forgive me for assumption. But based on that, this makes sense to me:



    According to some pagan traditions, a handfasting may last for a year and a day, and if the couple decides to stay together after that time, the union becomes permanent. If not, it dissolves amicably and without burden (in theory at least).  If this fits you, I would think that a spiritual ceremony on October 14 this year, and then signing the legal licence on October 15 of the following year would fit - as long as the divorce goes through by then.


    (Edited to add that last caveat)
    [Deleted User]
  • I assume that you have some pagan/Celtic influences if you're doing a handfasting - I'm not sure if any Christian or other more mainstream traditions have them, so forgive me for assumption. But based on that, this makes sense to me:



    According to some pagan traditions, a handfasting may last for a year and a day, and if the couple decides to stay together after that time, the union becomes permanent. If not, it dissolves amicably and without burden (in theory at least).  If this fits you, I would think that a spiritual ceremony on October 14 this year, and then signing the legal licence on October 15 of the following year would fit - as long as the divorce goes through by then.


    (Edited to add that last caveat)


    See, what with all the other messes going on here, and with the original goal being an actual wedding, I figured handfasting was nothing more than a convenient bit of cultural appropriation for this couple.
    [Deleted User]PrettyGirlLost
  • I assume that you have some pagan/Celtic influences if you're doing a handfasting - I'm not sure if any Christian or other more mainstream traditions have them, so forgive me for assumption. But based on that, this makes sense to me:



    According to some pagan traditions, a handfasting may last for a year and a day, and if the couple decides to stay together after that time, the union becomes permanent. If not, it dissolves amicably and without burden (in theory at least).  If this fits you, I would think that a spiritual ceremony on October 14 this year, and then signing the legal licence on October 15 of the following year would fit - as long as the divorce goes through by then.


    (Edited to add that last caveat)
    See, what with all the other messes going on here, and with the original goal being an actual wedding, I figured handfasting was nothing more than a convenient bit of cultural appropriation for this couple.


    Fair. I'm giving the benefit of the doubt, but I should have added: please don't have a handfasting ceremony like this if you're not pagan, or part of another culture that uses handfasting ceremonies. It's super insulting. 
    STARMOON44[Deleted User]MGP
  • I need to clarify that he won't be married October 14, 2015 when we wanted to do the handfasting ceremony - he is still married right NOW, but the divorce is in the works and will be finalised before that date. So if we went ahead with this, he wouldn't be married then. The problem was that in our state, you have to wait 6 months after divorce to remarry - not that he would still be married on that day.

    The photo booth was booked before we knew he was being deployed. We were originally planning on getting married in 2017, giving us enough time to save up for a big wedding with all our family and giving them more than enough time to be able to plan to attend. Even forgoing my stupid idea, we won't have the resources before he leaves to accommodate our very large extended families without putting us into debt, something I'm not willing to do. I AM willing to have a small wedding with only immediate family (honestly I would prefer it) and as I said above, I'm willing to get over the trivial date thing - sometimes I just need a swift kick in the rear from people smarter than me to knock some sense into me! Forest for the trees!

    I hadn't thought of going out of state - that's an excellent suggestion, thank you! 

    Again, shit happens. From a practical stand point you shouldn't be planning anything regarding your relationship, legal or otherwise, until the divorce has officially and finally been processed. 

    My ex was still in the process of getting divorced when we were dating so, again, I say this from a judgement free place but when it comes to legal matters like this you have to be pragmatic and realistic. And that means dealing with the situation as it is right now and right now he is still married and for all you know will still be married in 20 days or whatever. 
    image
    STARMOON44[Deleted User]MairePoppy
  • Thank you all for your replies!
  • arrrghmateyarrrghmatey member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    edited September 2015
    1) You cannot have a fiance who is still married. You two are not engaged until his divorce is finalized.

    2) If October is such an important time to get married, wait until 2017. Don't gamble on a tight time crunch where there is a lot of probability for something to go wrong. Enjoy a long engagement and the extra time to plan (and get divorced finalized) and save for the wedding.
                                     Wedding Countdown Ticker

                                                   image
    PrettyGirlLostredoryxPupatella
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I don't understand the point of having a ceremony on October 14th 2015 which has zero legal significance just so you can pretend to be married before he deploys.  You don't need a ceremony and to involve other people to pretend you are married, you can just do that already. 

    Why do you two even want to pretend to be married?

    If it's important to your BF that you guys get married before he deploys, then you two are going to have to work that out- which means he needs to get his ass in gear and finalize his divorce, and then you have to accept the fact that you can't get married in October and come to terms with having a great wedding some time in the Spring of 2016.

    Do the handfasting in October of 2016 once he returns.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Why on earth have you booked a photobooth for 2017? That's absurd! You don't have a fiancé because he is still married. To someone else.
    I mean I guess technically she can have a married FI in the same way that a married person can have a BF/GF/mistress etc.  She just can't legally be married to a man who is already married since that's bigamy and bigamy is illegal in the US.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • I'm just embarrassed is all. 
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards