Moms and Maids

AWFUL bridesmaid. Help


I kinda need some thoughts and reassurance from all of you.
So after I got engaged. I asked 8 lovely women to be my bridesmaids. All were super ecstatic and said yes. And I was so excited to honor our friendship. Since we were all from out of town, I mainly asked them to help me plan by giving me their opinions. I never once asked them for manual labor help....in which planning my own wedding there was a lot. (Luckily my sister and MOH were moooore than helpful).

Now. I just want to note. The bridesmaid I am about to vent about....I got married the day after her birthday. My rehearsal dinner was on her birthday, which is why I think I got some backlash for it.

Once planning was done and activities started one BM look absolutely miserable. She left my bridal shower to "sort things out with her mother" then later it slipped that she went to hang out with friends. My bachelorette party was the same night. She showed up late and left the bars and was the first one to leave.

At the rehearsal dinner she scowled the entire time. Note: it is her birthday so I somewhat understand. But after the dinner, we took her out for drinks to celebrate her birthday. I did my best to celebrate her birthday.
The next day at my wedding. She was late, whiny, and irritable. She didn't wanna partake in pictures and just kind of sulked.
At the reception everyone else was dancing and her and her date sat at "her" table the entire time. I tried to get her to get up to dance with me, but she turned me down every time.
My MOH (after a few too many drinks) asked her why she wasn't having a good time and she said she "just wasn't feeling it."

My feelings are truly hurt. I didn't notice at the time, but in retrospect I wish she would have politely declined to be a BM instead of being a Debbie downer for all of the events.

I've probably left a few things out that I'll have to clear up if I get any responses. But help! I didn't notice at the time, I wasn't going to let one of my "friends" rain on my parade. I had an INCREDIBLE time with my now husband. But I can't help but feel hurt by her lack of enthusiasm. I realize that not every BM is going to be as excited as me, I get that. But even some guests pointed her out to me and asked why she was so upset. It was blatantly obvious she wasn't just not excited but that she was actually miserable.

Do I talk to her? Do I ignore it? Thoughts?

Re: AWFUL bridesmaid. Help

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I kinda need some thoughts and reassurance from all of you. So after I got engaged. I asked 8 lovely women to be my bridesmaids. All were super ecstatic and said yes. And I was so excited to honor our friendship. Since we were all from out of town, I mainly asked them to help me plan by giving me their opinions. I never once asked them for manual labor help....in which planning my own wedding there was a lot. (Luckily my sister and MOH were moooore than helpful). Now. I just want to note. The bridesmaid I am about to vent about....I got married the day after her birthday. My rehearsal dinner was on her birthday, which is why I think I got some backlash for it. Once planning was done and activities started one BM look absolutely miserable. She left my bridal shower to "sort things out with her mother" then later it slipped that she went to hang out with friends. My bachelorette party was the same night. She showed up late and left the bars and was the first one to leave. At the rehearsal dinner she scowled the entire time. Note: it is her birthday so I somewhat understand. But after the dinner, we took her out for drinks to celebrate her birthday. I did my best to celebrate her birthday. The next day at my wedding. She was late, whiny, and irritable. She didn't wanna partake in pictures and just kind of sulked. At the reception everyone else was dancing and her and her date sat at "her" table the entire time. I tried to get her to get up to dance with me, but she turned me down every time. My MOH (after a few too many drinks) asked her why she wasn't having a good time and she said she "just wasn't feeling it." My feelings are truly hurt. I didn't notice at the time, but in retrospect I wish she would have politely declined to be a BM instead of being a Debbie downer for all of the events. I've probably left a few things out that I'll have to clear up if I get any responses. But help! I didn't notice at the time, I wasn't going to let one of my "friends" rain on my parade. I had an INCREDIBLE time with my now husband. But I can't help but feel hurt by her lack of enthusiasm. I realize that not every BM is going to be as excited as me, I get that. But even some guests pointed her out to me and asked why she was so upset. It was blatantly obvious she wasn't just not excited but that she was actually miserable. Do I talk to her? Do I ignore it? Thoughts?

    You married your Best Friend!  Why are you stuck on your moping BM????  Go be with your H and forget about the perceived attitude of your BM.  She may be going through something and celebrating a joyous occasion like a wedding was not something she wanted to do.

    If I were you, I would try to talk to your BM.  Invite her out for coffee and talk to her.  "Friend, you didn't seem like your normal self during the wedding.  Is everything ok with you?"  Then let her talk and don't interrupt. 

    Its also possible that your friendship has run its course, which sucks, but sometimes that happens in life. 

    Pupatella
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Why were your bridesmaid and her date not seated at the same table? 

    lnixon8STARMOON44AddieCakedelujm0
  • I mean just because I had a fun time at my wedding with my new husband doesn't mean I didn't notice her! I mean yeah it's kind of hurtful, and I don't think that's over reacting.

    She is usually the life of the party! Partially why I started drinking. She is crazy and hilarious and always the life of the party. So yeah of course I asked her what was going on in her life. She's just moved into a house with her long term boyfriend and other exciting things.

    So I didn't get the vibe that anything was wrong in her life and I tried not to be 100% wedding talk when I talked to my bridesmaids, after all they're my friends not just my bridesmaids.

    I guess I'm hurt because I feel like during planning our friendship dwindled instead of us growing closer?! I guess that's why it's more hurtful in retrospect, seeing that she was actually miserable being there for me.
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    I mean just because I had a fun time at my wedding with my new husband doesn't mean I didn't notice her! I mean yeah it's kind of hurtful, and I don't think that's over reacting. She is usually the life of the party! Partially why I started drinking. She is crazy and hilarious and always the life of the party. So yeah of course I asked her what was going on in her life. She's just moved into a house with her long term boyfriend and other exciting things. So I didn't get the vibe that anything was wrong in her life and I tried not to be 100% wedding talk when I talked to my bridesmaids, after all they're my friends not just my bridesmaids. I guess I'm hurt because I feel like during planning our friendship dwindled instead of us growing closer?! I guess that's why it's more hurtful in retrospect, seeing that she was actually miserable being there for me.
    Use your words and speak to her. But I would definitely avoid all the "I, I, I, I, I, me, me, me, me me" talk and talk about her, not how your assumptions and odd expectations have made YOU feel.
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • Yes all the BMs were at the same table. Most got up to dance and mingle with our friends while she was seated at the table all night.

    Yes I will have to do better to not use me and I too much. But yes. Those were my observations and feelings. So when I talk to her and she tells me about her new job, her good relationship and loving in with her boyfriend, and her new car. Yes. She paints the picture that everything in her life is going grand and to say one thing and act differently is weird. I mean I went over there at the reception to dance with her and mingle with her. She declined my offer so many times to dance and had a flat affect when I went to talk to her.
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Yes all the BMs were at the same table. Most got up to dance and mingle with our friends while she was seated at the table all night. Yes I will have to do better to not use me and I too much. But yes. Those were my observations and feelings. So when I talk to her and she tells me about her new job, her good relationship and loving in with her boyfriend, and her new car. Yes. She paints the picture that everything in her life is going grand and to say one thing and act differently is weird. I mean I went over there at the reception to dance with her and mingle with her. She declined my offer so many times to dance and had a flat affect when I went to talk to her.
    Can you please answer my question? Did you seat your bridal party away from their dates? 

  • Oh no. There were reserved tables for wedding party with their dates. I made sure there was room.
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    Yes all the BMs were at the same table. Most got up to dance and mingle with our friends while she was seated at the table all night. Yes I will have to do better to not use me and I too much. But yes. Those were my observations and feelings. So when I talk to her and she tells me about her new job, her good relationship and loving in with her boyfriend, and her new car. Yes. She paints the picture that everything in her life is going grand and to say one thing and act differently is weird. I mean I went over there at the reception to dance with her and mingle with her. She declined my offer so many times to dance and had a flat affect when I went to talk to her.
    I can't speak for your friend, but I don't know anyone who would tell a bride - on her wedding day - if there was something wrong. We have a poster here whose grandfather died very close to her wedding and the family didn't tell her until after. I think you need to talk to her and make sure she is okay. Say something like, "hey I noticed you weren't quite yourself at the wedding, is everything okay? Anything I can do?".
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    PupatellaPrettyGirlLostmollybarker11poodledoodleooo
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Oh no. There were reserved tables for wedding party with their dates. I made sure there was room.
    Ok. The way you worded it for some reason made me think you sat them separately. And I was going to suggest that would be a good reason to not really enjoy someone's wedding. 

    Honestly, I was this bridesmaid at a wedding once. And it was because the bride had acted like a huge fucking asshole during the entire wedding process. I'm not saying that's what you did. But after all the shit put me through, by the time the wedding rolled around, my heart was just not in it. And I no longer talk to her. 

    [Deleted User]
  • Yes all the BMs were at the same table. Most got up to dance and mingle with our friends while she was seated at the table all night. Yes I will have to do better to not use me and I too much. But yes. Those were my observations and feelings. So when I talk to her and she tells me about her new job, her good relationship and loving in with her boyfriend, and her new car. Yes. She paints the picture that everything in her life is going grand and to say one thing and act differently is weird. I mean I went over there at the reception to dance with her and mingle with her. She declined my offer so many times to dance and had a flat affect when I went to talk to her.
    It's not that weird to say that everything is ok when it really isn't. Perhaps she feels like you don't really care to hear the real answer so she's just going to say that it's great and point out that she got a new car rather than mention that she was up all night fighting with her boyfriend or mom or something. 

    Now that your wedding is over and you are happily married try showing more interest in your friend and find out what is actually going on in her life. Don't mention that she's been a debbie downer as you put it, just be genuinely concerned for someone who I'm assuming is a good friend. 
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • I mean just because I had a fun time at my wedding with my new husband doesn't mean I didn't notice her! I mean yeah it's kind of hurtful, and I don't think that's over reacting. She is usually the life of the party! Partially why I started drinking. She is crazy and hilarious and always the life of the party. So yeah of course I asked her what was going on in her life. She's just moved into a house with her long term boyfriend and other exciting things. So I didn't get the vibe that anything was wrong in her life and I tried not to be 100% wedding talk when I talked to my bridesmaids, after all they're my friends not just my bridesmaids. I guess I'm hurt because I feel like during planning our friendship dwindled instead of us growing closer?! I guess that's why it's more hurtful in retrospect, seeing that she was actually miserable being there for me.

    You shouldn't have expected to grow closer to friends through planning.Yes some friends are amazing at and love throwing showers, helping with crafts and planning bachlorette parties. But thats not everyone, or even most people. Relationships ebb and flow and "diminishing" for a few weeks might not mean she's over being yoru friend. 

    As for her being miserable... if you actually thought that at the time and not just combing through candid pictures and seeing pictures of her not smiling or something, and swapping stories with MOH...it probably has nothing to do with you.

    I love to dance and drink and have a good time. At one of my best friends weddings I felt REALLY sick. So while I tried to dance and have a good time- it just wasn't happening. Had nothing to do with my friends lovely wedding.
    *Ironically she got married on both of our birthdays :)


  • That's true. I didn't see the point of view. I tried to be less bride/wedding talk, but over the last month (which is when everything was pretty much done- shower, Bach party, et c) was done. She probably didn't feel comfortable telling me!
    ShesSoCold
  • Oh no. There were reserved tables for wedding party with their dates. I made sure there was room.
    Ok. The way you worded it for some reason made me think you sat them separately. And I was going to suggest that would be a good reason to not really enjoy someone's wedding. 

    Honestly, I was this bridesmaid at a wedding once. And it was because the bride had acted like a huge fucking asshole during the entire wedding process. I'm not saying that's what you did. But after all the shit put me through, by the time the wedding rolled around, my heart was just not in it. And I no longer talk to her. 
    Yep this. I was in a wedding once and the Bride had lofty expectations for her bridal party. I was working 2 jobs at the time and did not have time to cater to her every need and go to all the parties as one of my jobs was in a bar and I worked every weekend. 

    I agree with the above posters, it sounds like there is something else going on in this girl's life. Make a girl's night out and don't talk about the wedding, just tell her you noticed she is not her usual vivacious self. You may have been caught up more in your own wedding world and not given her the attention she needed.
  • You had 8 BMs. Why are you focusing on one who you think was negative? 

    Anyway, a few things:

    - she wasn't required to even attend your shower, so the fact that she left early is a non-issue.
    - she wasn't required to attend your bach, so the fact that she came and went as she could is totally acceptable
    - you don't know why she was sulking at your RD...you assume it was because of her birthday, but you don't know that and shouldn't assume. 
    - she's not required to dance with you at your reception. 
    - whatever you required her to be at the day after where you took even more photos was unnecessary. I'd be annoyed too.

    Honestly, it sounds like the expectations were a bit too high. Maybe she felt pressured. Either way, the wedding is over. Take the wedding out of this and see how the friendship goes. If it improves, it was likely due to too much wedding shit. If it doesn't improve, maybe it was dying anyway.

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    Maggie0829mollybarker11
  • I definitely understand. Haha I want it to be known I was not a typical bridezilla. I realize that doesn't mean a lot coming from me, the bride.

    As said in my original post. I had ZERO expectations of my BMs. Literally nothing. I occasionally asked them for their opinion. I left most of the planning to me, my mom, my sister, and my MOH. ALL I asked was that they come enjoy the wedding with me. I did my best to maintain my friendships, as well as still getting to enjoy little planning things with them. I mean. They're my bridesmaids after all, I don't think it's too much to ask.

    She asked that we do something for her birthday. So we did. We all took her out for drinks and stayed out.

    I realize she's not required to dance with me. But I mean....idk. Dancing was a lot of fun. The dance floor was packed with the exception of her and her date. When them two dance allllll the time outside of weddings.

    I didn't miss her on the dance floor. But yeah, it was pretty embarrassing for her (not for me) at all of the comments my guests made about "the bridesmaid" sitting at "her own table".

    I guess the friendship faded on her end long before I saw it on my end. I guess that's why I was hurt by it and her actions completely showed it at everything she attended.

    Her sulking was at everything she attended, in which was NOT IN ANY WAY MANDATORY. All of my bridesmaids were from out of town, so I never ever ever required attendance to anything other than the actual wedding. Heck. One of the BMs couldn't make it to Texas until the morning before. So what, things happen.

    I guess I wish she would have politely declined instead of looking miserable. I had one BM politely decline because she had been involved with so many weddings. I still wanted to honor this friend and she was more than happy to read and have another small role. Things happen. I get it.

    I'll probably get some backlash for seeing my point of view again. But ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ seems like a lot of people blame the bride and assume I'm a bridezilla.
  • With that being said. I've for sure tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. I've talked to mom sister and MOH and they kind of agree. Wasn't just me seeing her be lame and pretty rude.

    Thank you for your responses.
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    FWIW I personally don't think you sound like a bridezilla. 

    I also wouldn't read too much into it that other people noticed she was having an off day at your wedding. I was recently at a wedding and we were sitting up front for the ceremony. After, DH jokingly says to me, "Did you SEE that bridesmaid? She had a scowl on her face the whole ceremony! Like what, did she get dumped two months ago or something?" I didn't notice this at all, and who knows? Maybe her feet just hurt. Or she was sick. Just because it's a wedding doesn't mean someone has to have a smile on their face the whole night or else get judged for it, but that seems to be what happens with bridesmaids. One miserable bridesmaid and everyone assumes the bride was a 'zilla or the BM is a jealous wench. It's silly.

    Personally, I bet there's something going on in her life that she just didn't want to talk about. For example, if I was having marital issues, the last person I'd go to talk is a friend about to get married. I'd choose someone else to confide in. Maybe she didn't want to trouble you with whatever's going on.  
    ________________________________


    Pupatellalc07PrettyGirlLost
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    I think you're too caught up in the details.  LSDR could read:  

    My bridesmaid wasn't herself at any of my pre-wedding parties that she voluntarily attended or at the ceremony and reception itself.  She even ducked out of some photos!  I'm not sure if it was wedding related or what but is it okay that this kind of hurt my feelings and how should I approach her about this?

    And with that said, I'd take the PP's advice - hi friend, you haven't seemed like yourself going on.  I know the last month was wedding crazy so I probably wasn't as available as I should have  been.  Is everything okay?

    FWIW, I was very happy to move in with now FI/then BF, but afterwards I was terrified we made a huge mistake and was so stressed out and we fought constantly for about a month.  I didn't fill all of my girlfriends in about my stresses although they probably sensed it.


    image
  • You said that she left your shower early, which means she attended. The fact that she left early shouldn't be counted against her. You said she was the first to leave your bach party. Someone has to be the first to leave. This should not be counted against her. If you reacted to her with animosity because she left these gatherings early or, even worse, if you gossiped about her leaving early to the others (and she found out), then you're the one at fault, not her. That's likely why she seemed miserable at your wedding.


    lnixon8
  • I definitely understand. Haha I want it to be known I was not a typical bridezilla. I realize that doesn't mean a lot coming from me, the bride. As said in my original post. I had ZERO expectations of my BMs. Literally nothing. I occasionally asked them for their opinion. I left most of the planning to me, my mom, my sister, and my MOH. ALL I asked was that they come enjoy the wedding with me. I did my best to maintain my friendships, as well as still getting to enjoy little planning things with them. I mean. They're my bridesmaids after all, I don't think it's too much to ask. She asked that we do something for her birthday. So we did. We all took her out for drinks and stayed out. I realize she's not required to dance with me. But I mean....idk. Dancing was a lot of fun. The dance floor was packed with the exception of her and her date. When them two dance allllll the time outside of weddings. I didn't miss her on the dance floor. But yeah, it was pretty embarrassing for her (not for me) at all of the comments my guests made about "the bridesmaid" sitting at "her own table". I guess the friendship faded on her end long before I saw it on my end. I guess that's why I was hurt by it and her actions completely showed it at everything she attended. Her sulking was at everything she attended, in which was NOT IN ANY WAY MANDATORY. All of my bridesmaids were from out of town, so I never ever ever required attendance to anything other than the actual wedding. Heck. One of the BMs couldn't make it to Texas until the morning before. So what, things happen. I guess I wish she would have politely declined instead of looking miserable. I had one BM politely decline because she had been involved with so many weddings. I still wanted to honor this friend and she was more than happy to read and have another small role. Things happen. I get it. I'll probably get some backlash for seeing my point of view again. But ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ seems like a lot of people blame the bride and assume I'm a bridezilla.
    I don't think you are being a bridezilla.  :)

    It sounds like maybe something is going on with your friend. She possibly didn't want to tell you what was going on with her as that would take away from your wedding day. If she normally dances and has a great time, but at your wedding she was not in a dancing mood, then that is not normal behavior for her. Add to that she was not her usual happy self, and it seems like she may have been dealing with something personally. It sounds like her mood had nothing to do with your wedding, but with something that is going on in her life.

    I would definitely reach out to your friend. But I would talk to her as a friend, and just ask if she is okay, especially now that your wedding is over and she can lay it on you and not worry about ruining your happiness on your wedding day.

    Good luck and I truly hope that your friend is okay.

    ShesSoCold
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I think you need to let it go.  You are married and the wedding is over with.  Time to move on.

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    I agree with Pup. I don't think anyone was thinking that you're an asshole or a bridezilla, we were just trying to look at it from her perspective. I think it's easy for anyone to think "she was rude and sulky" at first but sometimes you need an outside person to help you take a step back and think outside your (general you) assumption box. 

    Just talk to her, as a friend. 
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    PupatellaPrettyGirlLost
  • I think you're too caught up in the details.  LSDR could read:  

    My bridesmaid wasn't herself at any of my pre-wedding parties that she voluntarily attended or at the ceremony and reception itself.  She even ducked out of some photos!  I'm not sure if it was wedding related or what but is it okay that this kind of hurt my feelings and how should I approach her about this?

    And with that said, I'd take the PP's advice - hi friend, you haven't seemed like yourself going on.  I know the last month was wedding crazy so I probably wasn't as available as I should have  been.  Is everything okay?

    FWIW, I was very happy to move in with now FI/then BF, but afterwards I was terrified we made a huge mistake and was so stressed out and we fought constantly for about a month.  I didn't fill all of my girlfriends in about my stresses although they probably sensed it.


    This^.  If I had been fighting with my BF all day leading up to your wedding, I'm a) probably going to look a little miserable, because I have a really hard time hiding my feelings - they are just written all over my face - even though I'll try, and b) am not going to tell you about any of it at your wedding.  I would go out of my way to keep any kind of negative comment about anything at all away from the bride and groom at their wedding.  Just not the time and place.

    Same goes if I wasn't feeling well, etc.  You really just don't know until you ask her if everything is ok.


    kimmiinthemittenPrettyGirlLost
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I'm going to go against the grain and say your bm sounds like a wet blanket. 

    You might ask if you've offended her in some way, so you'll have the opportunity to apologize if appropriate. Confronting her about her behavior would put her on the defensive. If you want to remain friends with her - and I hope you do - I'd let it go after you're sure you haven't hurt her feelings.
                       
  • All you can do is be there for her, as a friend, the best you can. Ask her to hang out, see whats up. Unfortunately there are many people out there who just won't say what's really bugging them until it doesn't matter anymore. 

    Don't dwell on her behavior at your wedding. You asked her to dance, you tried to talk to her. You didn't ignore her. Really I don't see anything wrong going on here, except maybe having a nice heart to heart/chat now just to see whats up.

    Friendships die. Sometimes both people see it dwindling, sometimes just 1, sometimes neither. I've been on the end of not seeing it, but said friend seeing it, and as I stated above, her not saying anything until it was too late. It happens. It's life. We're human. 
  • I don't know your friend or you so I'm totally making assumptions. Yes - something could have been wrong. OR she could be one of those girls who hates being a bridesmaid and the entire process. Some really do and go and partake in events and are mopey and Debbie downers despite everyone's best attempts for pleasing them. Usually you have a feeling about the friend prior asking them if they want to be a bridesmaid though...

    I'd say find out if it's #1 and if not...assume #2.

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