Wedding 911

XP: FMIL wants FSIL out of wedding 25 days to go..

2»

Re: XP: FMIL wants FSIL out of wedding 25 days to go..

  • That isnt me being judgy - thats me stating a fact as to why FMIL is paying for her stuff
    You are failing at reading comprehension You said that you only mentioned her not having a job because someone asked. No one asked. You offered up that info in your OP. 
  • I see OP being like this .....
    image
    image
  • Geez, I think you guys are being a little harsh on the OP. OP, if I was in your shoes I would try to have a heart-to-heart with your FSIL and maybe give her an opportunity to bow out of the wedding if she wishes. It seems like she is really overwhelmed and maybe just doesn't have time to take on the added task of being in a wedding. Also, it is an awkward position for both her and FMIL that FMIL is paying all of her expenses for this wedding along with possibly her living expenses? If the wedding expenses are adding to the tension between them and FSIL feels uncomfortable accepting all the help, it makes sense that she might bow out of additional events that just add to the tension because each thing she came to, someone else would have to pay for her. In this case, you might be doing her a kindness by giving her the option to just attend as a guest and know that she won't be disappointing you.   

  • kmmssg said:

    I don't think you sound judgemental or bridezilla - I think you are looking for help because YOU want to leave her in the bridal party and your FI and his parents want her out - and your FIL's might not even want to invite her.  Out of that bunch, you seem to be the only one willing to do the right thing and I think you are trying to resolve that.

    1.  Tell your FI and his parents that the girls in the bridal party are YOUR business and she stays.

    2.  Go visit FSIL.  Not about the wedding - just see how she is.  PPD is nothing to ignore and so many women will not reach out for help because they think they have failed, when nothing is further from the truth.  My oldest DD had it when she had her 3rd child.  It was awful to watch and heartbreaking.  Fortunately several people recognized what was going with her and stuck by her as she got some help.

    3.  You said she hasn't been the same since she had the baby. Was she unreliable and difficult to communicate with BEFORE the baby?  Her not being the same could be from many different reasons: PPD, she has a difficult relationship with her BF, wants out of her relationship, or any other thing.  If she was flaky and unreliable prior to the baby she will be the same, if not more, after the baby.

    Go visit, take some coffee, and just see how she is doing.  It might break some ice, it might change nothing at all, but I don't know what else  you can do.  Good luck.

     _______________________________________________________________________


    1. FSIL and I never talk about the wedding - whenever we do chat, its about the baby, or something she has going on with - trying to help her find a job, etc. She sees a therapist who has not diagnosed her with PPD but I am not sure if she was diagnosed with something else. The sad problem is, and she has always done this.... she lies. 

    So she lies to the therapist - and how are you supposed to get help? if you are lying. We know this because FMIL sat in a few times as she was invited, and realized FSIL made herself out to look like she is perfectly fine.. Its frustrating because we are trying to help her/doctors are trying to help her, but she isnt giving into the help. 

    2. She has always been "the problem child" - FI is two years younger, but always had/has to bail her out of her problems. Like I said - she lies alot. About where she would be/what she is going/where she is going ... as a grown adult - no one cares where you really are, but a "hey I am going here" in case an emergency happens really should be had, and sadly most of the time - she is lying about where she is because she is doing something she should not be doing, then she ends up getting in trouble some way or another - and it blows up. This has been going on since FSIL was in high school. Now 31 - her antics still follow. 

    Its heartbreaking the way she has been acting, pushing everyone away, wanting nothing to do with anyone and the baby at 14mo really doesnt know who any of us are. She has a panic attack if ANYONE tries to hold her besides FSIL.

    In the end, there has been alot of stress on this family. But I LOVE them to death and am excited to be apart of their family - and when it comes down to it, I would like our wedding day to be a fabulous day for the entire family, not just FI and I.... because it really is about our families coming together, not just us. I would like everyone there, happy, dancing, and enjoying their time...thats all I am really looking for. 
  • kmmssg said:

    @libride2015 - well if she is seeing a therapist and lying to him there isn't much you can do there.  If it were me, I would ask everyone to drop the subject and if she shows up in the dress ready to walk down the aisle, then let her.  If she doesn't show up, let it go and quit trying to have a relationship with her.  Sounds like this is who she is.  And, if she doesn't show up and tries to blame you, don't accept the blame.  Make sure she has a detailed outline (email it for proof) of when to be where for pictures, line up, hair, etc.  If she has the details and chooses not to show it won't be because  you didn't do everything you were supposed to.  Some problems to have a happy solution.  I think this might be one of them.

    All of this. I don't think this is rocket science.

    And I agree with previous posters that you're FML sounds like a piece of work. The fact that she is telling family members what she heard at FSILs therapy appointments is messed up. And the fact that she's totally insensitive to FSILs postpartum depression is also messed up.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • @libride2015 - well if she is seeing a therapist and lying to him there isn't much you can do there.  If it were me, I would ask everyone to drop the subject and if she shows up in the dress ready to walk down the aisle, then let her.  If she doesn't show up, let it go and quit trying to have a relationship with her.  Sounds like this is who she is.  And, if she doesn't show up and tries to blame you, don't accept the blame.  Make sure she has a detailed outline (email it for proof) of when to be where for pictures, line up, hair, etc.  If she has the details and chooses not to show it won't be because  you didn't do everything you were supposed to.  Some problems to have a happy solution.  I think this might be one of them.
    All of this. I don't think this is rocket science. And I agree with previous posters that you're FML sounds like a piece of work. The fact that she is telling family members what she heard at FSILs therapy appointments is messed up. And the fact that she's totally insensitive to FSILs postpartum depression is also messed up.
    Yeah this is where I am too. Obviously your FSIL was smart not being truthful during the therapy sessions your FMIL sat in on or her real issues would be out there for everyone to judge. Your FMIL sounds like a real peach. 
    image

  • justsie said:
    @libride2015 - well if she is seeing a therapist and lying to him there isn't much you can do there.  If it were me, I would ask everyone to drop the subject and if she shows up in the dress ready to walk down the aisle, then let her.  If she doesn't show up, let it go and quit trying to have a relationship with her.  Sounds like this is who she is.  And, if she doesn't show up and tries to blame you, don't accept the blame.  Make sure she has a detailed outline (email it for proof) of when to be where for pictures, line up, hair, etc.  If she has the details and chooses not to show it won't be because  you didn't do everything you were supposed to.  Some problems to have a happy solution.  I think this might be one of them.
    All of this. I don't think this is rocket science. And I agree with previous posters that you're FML sounds like a piece of work. The fact that she is telling family members what she heard at FSILs therapy appointments is messed up. And the fact that she's totally insensitive to FSILs postpartum depression is also messed up.
    Yeah this is where I am too. Obviously your FSIL was smart not being truthful during the therapy sessions your FMIL sat in on or her real issues would be out there for everyone to judge. Your FMIL sounds like a real peach. 



    FML was ASKED to attend - it is not like she just barged in and was told she wasnt moving. 


  • justsie said:
    @libride2015 - well if she is seeing a therapist and lying to him there isn't much you can do there.  If it were me, I would ask everyone to drop the subject and if she shows up in the dress ready to walk down the aisle, then let her.  If she doesn't show up, let it go and quit trying to have a relationship with her.  Sounds like this is who she is.  And, if she doesn't show up and tries to blame you, don't accept the blame.  Make sure she has a detailed outline (email it for proof) of when to be where for pictures, line up, hair, etc.  If she has the details and chooses not to show it won't be because  you didn't do everything you were supposed to.  Some problems to have a happy solution.  I think this might be one of them.
    All of this. I don't think this is rocket science. And I agree with previous posters that you're FML sounds like a piece of work. The fact that she is telling family members what she heard at FSILs therapy appointments is messed up. And the fact that she's totally insensitive to FSILs postpartum depression is also messed up.
    Yeah this is where I am too. Obviously your FSIL was smart not being truthful during the therapy sessions your FMIL sat in on or her real issues would be out there for everyone to judge. Your FMIL sounds like a real peach. 



    FML was ASKED to attend - it is not like she just barged in and was told she wasnt moving. 

    I find this to be completely irrelevant. Clearly your SIL had issues with her mother being in the session and wasn't truthful. The fact that you even know this is proof enough for me to completely understand WHY she wouldn't want to be truthful, her mother is telling everyone what is happening during her sessions! How you can see that and not see it as a huge red flag probably impeding on your SIL's ability to get help for herself is beyond me. 
    image
  • kmmssg said:

    I don't think you sound judgemental or bridezilla - I think you are looking for help because YOU want to leave her in the bridal party and your FI and his parents want her out - and your FIL's might not even want to invite her.  Out of that bunch, you seem to be the only one willing to do the right thing and I think you are trying to resolve that.

    1.  Tell your FI and his parents that the girls in the bridal party are YOUR business and she stays.

    2.  Go visit FSIL.  Not about the wedding - just see how she is.  PPD is nothing to ignore and so many women will not reach out for help because they think they have failed, when nothing is further from the truth.  My oldest DD had it when she had her 3rd child.  It was awful to watch and heartbreaking.  Fortunately several people recognized what was going with her and stuck by her as she got some help.

    3.  You said she hasn't been the same since she had the baby. Was she unreliable and difficult to communicate with BEFORE the baby?  Her not being the same could be from many different reasons: PPD, she has a difficult relationship with her BF, wants out of her relationship, or any other thing.  If she was flaky and unreliable prior to the baby she will be the same, if not more, after the baby.

    Go visit, take some coffee, and just see how she is doing.  It might break some ice, it might change nothing at all, but I don't know what else  you can do.  Good luck.

     _______________________________________________________________________


    1. FSIL and I never talk about the wedding - whenever we do chat, its about the baby, or something she has going on with - trying to help her find a job, etc. She sees a therapist who has not diagnosed her with PPD but I am not sure if she was diagnosed with something else. The sad problem is, and she has always done this.... she lies. 

    So she lies to the therapist - and how are you supposed to get help? if you are lying. We know this because FMIL sat in a few times as she was invited, and realized FSIL made herself out to look like she is perfectly fine.. Its frustrating because we are trying to help her/doctors are trying to help her, but she isnt giving into the help. 

    2. She has always been "the problem child" - FI is two years younger, but always had/has to bail her out of her problems. Like I said - she lies alot. About where she would be/what she is going/where she is going ... as a grown adult - no one cares where you really are, but a "hey I am going here" in case an emergency happens really should be had, and sadly most of the time - she is lying about where she is because she is doing something she should not be doing, then she ends up getting in trouble some way or another - and it blows up. This has been going on since FSIL was in high school. Now 31 - her antics still follow. 

    Its heartbreaking the way she has been acting, pushing everyone away, wanting nothing to do with anyone and the baby at 14mo really doesnt know who any of us are. She has a panic attack if ANYONE tries to hold her besides FSIL.

    In the end, there has been alot of stress on this family. But I LOVE them to death and am excited to be apart of their family - and when it comes down to it, I would like our wedding day to be a fabulous day for the entire family, not just FI and I.... because it really is about our families coming together, not just us. I would like everyone there, happy, dancing, and enjoying their time...thats all I am really looking for. 
    To the bolded; do you care to expand on this?  Was she just out drinking and partying and her family disapproved, was she endangering herself, was she taking off for days and not tell anyone?

    Here's my beef with this whole thing....you came here with the intention of finding a way to keep FSIL in the wedding and to find a way to communicate all of this to your FMIL.  However, in response to everyone you've continuously bashed FSIL and defended FMIL.  

    The advice regarding FSIL's role is still the same:  don't cut her, she'll either be in the wedding party or not based on her decisions the day of.  So what gives?


    image
  • KatWAG UM NO - 

    I was explaining - why she needs so much work done.. and why she cant just go a week before. 

    I have done NOTHING but help her. 

    And no one said anything about judging her sex life. 


    In your OP you said:

     "my FSIL had a baby 14 months ago and since then her and her bf of 16 months (do the math) have not been the same. "

    that is full of judgment.

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • I'm going to advocate on behalf of your FSIL. I know what it's like to have a toddler, it's difficult. As for not letting anyone watch her child, you bet your buttons that I don't just let anyone watch my child. If she feels that you are judgmental towards her, why on earth would she let you watch her child?

    Post-partum depression can exacerbate any kind of depression that may have been latent before a baby and can happen anytime to a mom. Your hormones after having a baby and nursing are constantly in flux. 

    As well, as all the PPs have mentioned, if she doesn't wear the dress you want, she has taken herself out of the wedding.

    Now, speaking of the dress, I have been a bridesmaid several times and the only time I had to have alterations was when the boutique screwed up and recorded another bridesmaid's measurements as mine. It took my seamstress mother 3 hours to alter it, the night before the wedding. Why would you make her buy a dress that required alterations?
    __________________________________________________________

    I didnt "make her" buy a dress - we went dress shopping - she did not attend - we sent her photos - she said she loved it - she sent in her measurments...

    Any dress she is going to have will need alterations - as I said - she is flat on top and has not lost the baby weight in her stomach and hips. SO - she had to order a size 22 which is like a 12/14 street size for her hips/stomach when her top half is an A cup....

    That has NOTHING to do with me. 

    Okay, so when I've ordered an rack dress, i.e. not one specifically made by a seamstress, for a wedding, if the measurements were correct that were given, the dress fit fine and needed no other alterations. It's the reason you give measurements, so the dress can be cut to the proper shape. 

    Again, you are coming off super judgey re: she hasn't lost the baby weight (not relevant to the post). I hope you remember how judgey you are when you have a child.
    That is only true if you are ordering a custom dress. . . as in a designer is custom making a dress for you using your exact measurements to 1st make the pattern.

    Off the rack dresses don't work like that- sizes 0-whatever are already made and sitting in a warehouse to be shipped, or they are made to order based on premade patterns which are created based on the overall average measurements of a person.  So just because you send in your measurements does not mean the dress will fit without alterations.

    Like the FSIL, I am small chested and hippy. . . have always been like that, and I have never had a child.  My measuremnets are not as extreme as the FSIL,  but if I had bigger boobs I'd have an hourglass figure.  Therefore, dresses always have to be taken in up top, because as OP mentioned, when the shops order dresses for me or I buy a dress off the rack at a department store, we have to go by the larger measurement- the hips- so that the dress fits in the hips.  For some reason designers think that just because you have big hips you automatically have huge boobs to match.  Not so.

    Even when I buy a pattern and my mom makes me a dress, we have the bash patterns together- the smaller one for the top of the dress and the larger one for the bottom.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • justsie said:
    @libride2015 - well if she is seeing a therapist and lying to him there isn't much you can do there.  If it were me, I would ask everyone to drop the subject and if she shows up in the dress ready to walk down the aisle, then let her.  If she doesn't show up, let it go and quit trying to have a relationship with her.  Sounds like this is who she is.  And, if she doesn't show up and tries to blame you, don't accept the blame.  Make sure she has a detailed outline (email it for proof) of when to be where for pictures, line up, hair, etc.  If she has the details and chooses not to show it won't be because  you didn't do everything you were supposed to.  Some problems to have a happy solution.  I think this might be one of them.
    All of this. I don't think this is rocket science. And I agree with previous posters that you're FML sounds like a piece of work. The fact that she is telling family members what she heard at FSILs therapy appointments is messed up. And the fact that she's totally insensitive to FSILs postpartum depression is also messed up.
    Yeah this is where I am too. Obviously your FSIL was smart not being truthful during the therapy sessions your FMIL sat in on or her real issues would be out there for everyone to judge. Your FMIL sounds like a real peach. 
    This is what I was thinking too. . . it sounds like her issues might be deeper than just post partum depression.  I mean, her mother sat in on her therapy session. . . think about that.  Her mother who seems very controlling, based on what the OP has said.  So yeah, maybe a lot of her issues are stemming from issues she developed growing up with her controlling mother, and are now exacerbated by post partum depression. . . but who in their right mind is going to start talking about her mommy issues while mommy is sitting right there? ><

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • You could always try asking her if she really wants to be in the wedding.  Tell her she seems like she's a bit stressed out and busy and tell her if she can't be in the wedding you and your FI will understand.  See what she says.  It sounds like she doesn't really want to do it anyway.
  • egirl2015 said:
    You could always try asking her if she really wants to be in the wedding.  Tell her she seems like she's a bit stressed out and busy and tell her if she can't be in the wedding you and your FI will understand.  See what she says.  It sounds like she doesn't really want to do it anyway.
    Bad advice.  Don't ask people if they really or still want to be in your wedding; it's a very obvious 'I want you out but I don't want to look like the bad guy by kicking you out.'



  •  - So everyone knows - SIL, was in wedding, her dress was completed, her hair and makeup was done and she looks beautiful. Mom and Daughter were "civil" although you could cut the tension with a knife - at the end of the day... we didnt let it ruin our day.

    Thank you all for the advice!
    Sounds like you guys had a great day and you were saved from being in the middle of the in law drama. Congrats!
    image
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards