Wedding Party

FMIL wants FSIL out of wedding 25 days to go...

So the back story is - my FSIL had a baby 14 months ago and since then her and her bf of 16 months (do the math) have not been the same. 

Long story short, she has been unreliable, rude and not easy to communicate with. 

After a month long plan to go bridesmaid dress shopping she backs out as I am in the driveway, no big deal it wasn't mandatory but a little more heads up with have been nice.

Attends my shower and is super sincere and nice - but her and her mother have been going at it like cat and dog behind the scenes.

A month later it is my bachlorette - we are going to my hometown three hours away for it - the morning of she texts me she isnt coming anymore.

This was three weeks ago... Since this happened FML has been LIVID with her as well as my FI, I am too but at this point, I dont need anymore stress and am just more disappointed, I am not going to sit there and yell at her, she is 30 years old. 

Now - she missed her first dress fitting, her dress needs ALOT of work. And since she missed it, FMIL says she needs to be out of the wedding.... FI somewhat agrees but I just cannot deal with the drama and the stress just 25 days before the wedding....

What would you guys do? 

I also dont want them to regret this because they are in the heat of the moment (which has been going on for about 5 months now).. at the same time FMIL is saying its really her call.. because FSIL lost her job when she got pregnant and FMIL paid for her dress, shoes and is paying for her hair while I pay for her makeup...

My FI and his sister have ALWAYS been close - - they are just 2 years apart... and I feel like they are all going to regret it, one: if she is not in the wedding and two: if they dont invite her at all.

I dont really know if this post makes any sense, sorry I am so in the moment of SHOCK, I just dont know what to think or do. 


Re: FMIL wants FSIL out of wedding 25 days to go...

  • Its so frustrating because in the 7 years we have been together there has always been some sort of FMIL and FSIL drama. They butt heads and dont get along.

    When FSIL got pregnant - FMIL let her and bf move back in rent free so they can save money and since then - its been WWIII- they just finally purchased a house this week and can move in by December but I feel like they are going to kill eachother before then.

    Its just hard because its stopping me from really enjoying our moment - when every other phone call to FI from FMIL is about FSIL drama. I just dont know what to do anymore. 
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Ditto Maggie.  I think FMIL is trying to use your wedding to punish her daughter over things that FMIL doesn't like.  While it sucks that FSIL backed out of dress shopping and the b-party, there isn't much you can do about it.  Kicking FSIL out of the WP will ruin your relationship with her, so don't put yourself in the middle of the drama.  Greatly reduce any expectations you have of FSIL, so that she can't let you down.

    And you said FI used to be close to FSIL, but recently things have changed.  Have you encouraged your FI to talk to his sister and see if everything is ok?  She has had a major life change of having a child and a new relationship all at the same time.  Does she get any assistance from the father of her child?

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    The only things your FSIL needs to do as your bridesmaid are to acquire the dress and show up in it on time, sober (especially if she's pregnant), and in good spirits.  If she fails to do that for whatever reason, whether it's her pregnancy or any other, she's taken herself out of the wedding.

    You don't need to do anything, let alone kick her out of your wedding.  I'd leave your FSIL alone and tell your FMIL and FI to do the same.  The situation will resolve itself without your or their involvement.

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Its so frustrating because in the 7 years we have been together there has always been some sort of FMIL and FSIL drama. They butt heads and dont get along.

    When FSIL got pregnant - FMIL let her and bf move back in rent free so they can save money and since then - its been WWIII- they just finally purchased a house this week and can move in by December but I feel like they are going to kill eachother before then.

    Its just hard because its stopping me from really enjoying our moment - when every other phone call to FI from FMIL is about FSIL drama. I just dont know what to do anymore. 

    I'd also encourage your FI to tell his mom that he doesn't want to hear about the drama between her and his sister.  It's possible that the relationship with his sister deteriorated because all FI heard was bad things about sister from mom.  It's like the GF who always bashes and says bad things about her BF to her friends, then friends don't like BF because all they hear are bad things.

    Also, think of it this way.  All of this drama is FMIL's fault because she welcomed FSIL and BF into her house.  This is her circus and her monkeys, don't get involved.

    libride2015PrettyGirlLost
  • Yes she gets assistance, she is very very well take care of. FI is very upset that FSIL is treating EVERYONE around her like a (excuse my french) piece of shit, and its true she really really is. 

    We have done NOTHING but try and help her - and we dont ask for anything in return - but she just shits on you in the end. 

    We spent MONTHS planning her this fantastic shower - we GLADLY did this - she said she wanted us to wait in the waiting room while she was in delivery, we did, for 19 hours. Then when the baby was born she decided no visitors were aloud (that's fine I understand things change but its a little disappointing as the godparents/ our first niece).

    For the babies first Christmas we SPOILED HER ROTTEN - and we were told we got her the wrong toys. 

    For her baptism - we were told we purchased her the wrong emboridered blanket.

    For her birthday - we spent 24 hours basically helping FMIL set up a huge party - we even got her one of those big electric cars that I had her name put on and everything... Not even a little smile or thank you..

    Then for HER BIRTHDAY - she texted us and said what she wanted from us...

    I know this sounds so petty. but its upsetting, when you try so hard to make their lives easier and its like she doesnt have a care in the world for it, but if we werent there doing those things we would get shit for it too...

    FI is so fed up with her - they tried talking calmly but the third time it was a screaming match, and they havent been the same since.


  • OliveOilsMom I totally agree about the monkeys and the circus you are so right, thank you for that outlook.

    I really do LOVE THEM ALL, they have been in my life for 7 years already - and they really have become my family. Its hearbreaking to go through all this, especially when we are supposed to be CELEBRATING!

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Yes she gets assistance, she is very very well take care of. FI is very upset that FSIL is treating EVERYONE around her like a (excuse my french) piece of shit, and its true she really really is. 

    We have done NOTHING but try and help her - and we dont ask for anything in return - but she just shits on you in the end. 

    We spent MONTHS planning her this fantastic shower - we GLADLY did this - she said she wanted us to wait in the waiting room while she was in delivery, we did, for 19 hours. Then when the baby was born she decided no visitors were aloud (that's fine I understand things change but its a little disappointing as the godparents/ our first niece).

    For the babies first Christmas we SPOILED HER ROTTEN - and we were told we got her the wrong toys. 

    For her baptism - we were told we purchased her the wrong emboridered blanket.

    For her birthday - we spent 24 hours basically helping FMIL set up a huge party - we even got her one of those big electric cars that I had her name put on and everything... Not even a little smile or thank you..

    Then for HER BIRTHDAY - she texted us and said what she wanted from us...

    I know this sounds so petty. but its upsetting, when you try so hard to make their lives easier and its like she doesnt have a care in the world for it, but if we werent there doing those things we would get shit for it too...

    FI is so fed up with her - they tried talking calmly but the third time it was a screaming match, and they havent been the same since.


    Honestly?  I would just stop trying so hard.  You know how she is and that she is not very appreciative of what you do for her so either accept her lack of appreciation or just stop doing stuff for her.  It sounds like you can't please her regardless so you need to pick the best path forward for your sanity.  If she craps all over you then ignore it.  But basically you and the rest of the family are feeding her behavior.

    OliveOilsMomJediElizabethPrettyGirlLost
  • Its just hard because she gives off this "im helpless do things for me" vibe, and in the end you you feel bad for the baby, and we just want her to have the most fantastic life. 

    We have shut her out before - but the problem is she story tells, and the town is small - and the family is close and she goes around telling everyone lies of "what we did to make HER not talk to US"...

    The more and more I write, I think the past 7 years have made me crazy, they sound totally insane.  

    I do love my FI though more than words can ever say, so the headaches are worth it. 
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    If FSIL is doing all the talking, then people are seeing through her stories.  You can only tell the stories so much until someone starts to think, are ALL of those people as bad as she's always making them out to be?

    This is a crazy family dynamic that is going on.  It might be best to schedule a few sessions with a counselor so that you and FI can figure out a healthy way to deal with FSIL's antics.  Being taught a few ways to handle FSIL could make your future interactions easier for you and FI.

    As for potential future gifts for your niece.  You might want to consider opening a bank account or 529 college fund for niece.  Then you can just give money to that account for any celebrations.  If FSIL wants to try and bad mouth a college savings plan, good luck to her!  She will sound incredibly thoughtless!

    JediElizabethPrettyGirlLost
  • Don't kick her out. She has a 14-month-old baby, so while she should have given more notice if possible, it could very well be that something came up (sick sitter, sick baby, who knows?) and she couldn't make it to the fitting. She isn't required to go to the bachelorette and honestly, maybe she didn't want to be 3 hours away from her baby or maybe something came up that day too.

    These are not reasons to kick someone out of the wedding. Now, if she doesn't get her dress altered and has nothing to wear the day of, then we'll talk. But for now, don't do it. You'll regret it, even if your Fi and FMIL don't.
  • mileybangerzmileybangerz member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited October 2015
    Tell your FI to grow a pair and have your back. Your bridal party is YOUR decision. Your FMIL can suck it.
    image
    JediElizabethInLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLost
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Yes she gets assistance, she is very very well take care of. FI is very upset that FSIL is treating EVERYONE around her like a (excuse my french) piece of shit, and its true she really really is. 

    We have done NOTHING but try and help her - and we dont ask for anything in return - but she just shits on you in the end. 

    We spent MONTHS planning her this fantastic shower - we GLADLY did this - she said she wanted us to wait in the waiting room while she was in delivery, we did, for 19 hours. Then when the baby was born she decided no visitors were aloud (that's fine I understand things change but its a little disappointing as the godparents/ our first niece).

    For the babies first Christmas we SPOILED HER ROTTEN - and we were told we got her the wrong toys. 

    For her baptism - we were told we purchased her the wrong emboridered blanket.

    For her birthday - we spent 24 hours basically helping FMIL set up a huge party - we even got her one of those big electric cars that I had her name put on and everything... Not even a little smile or thank you..

    Then for HER BIRTHDAY - she texted us and said what she wanted from us...

    I know this sounds so petty. but its upsetting, when you try so hard to make their lives easier and its like she doesnt have a care in the world for it, but if we werent there doing those things we would get shit for it too...

    FI is so fed up with her - they tried talking calmly but the third time it was a screaming match, and they havent been the same since.


    Try detaching....like a PP said:  not your circus, not your monkeys.  Why should she ever be appreciative or self sustaining or gracious if everyone will just do everything for her and give in to whatever she wants without consequence.

    Regardless, you've already invited her into your WP and she hasn't done anything that warrants removing her.  Let her be responsible for once for herself and if she fails, she becomes a normal guest and that's her own doing.   Look at that, a consequence for ones behavior!
    image
  • -You invited her to be in your WP.  She is in your WP unless she does not get her dress altered in time, and that's on her to arrange and complete, not you or FMIL.

     

    -Babies are hard, yo.  I'm sure she had a good reason to cancel on you, and really, she isn't required to attend those functions anyway.

     

    -She sounds like a pretty annoying person, so I'm not sure why you invited her to be in the WP in the first place, but that ship has sailed.  Get through the wedding and then stop subscribing to her nonsense.  DO NOT get involved in drama between her and FMIL.  Not your problem.

    JediElizabethInLoveInQueens
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Yes she gets assistance, she is very very well take care of. FI is very upset that FSIL is treating EVERYONE around her like a (excuse my french) piece of shit, and its true she really really is. 

    We have done NOTHING but try and help her - and we dont ask for anything in return - but she just shits on you in the end. 

    We spent MONTHS planning her this fantastic shower - we GLADLY did this - she said she wanted us to wait in the waiting room while she was in delivery, we did, for 19 hours. Then when the baby was born she decided no visitors were aloud (that's fine I understand things change but its a little disappointing as the godparents/ our first niece).

    For the babies first Christmas we SPOILED HER ROTTEN - and we were told we got her the wrong toys. 

    For her baptism - we were told we purchased her the wrong emboridered blanket.

    For her birthday - we spent 24 hours basically helping FMIL set up a huge party - we even got her one of those big electric cars that I had her name put on and everything... Not even a little smile or thank you..

    Then for HER BIRTHDAY - she texted us and said what she wanted from us...

    I know this sounds so petty. but its upsetting, when you try so hard to make their lives easier and its like she doesnt have a care in the world for it, but if we werent there doing those things we would get shit for it too...

    FI is so fed up with her - they tried talking calmly but the third time it was a screaming match, and they havent been the same since.


    Try detaching....like a PP said:  not your circus, not your monkeys.  Why should she ever be appreciative or self sustaining or gracious if everyone will just do everything for her and give in to whatever she wants without consequence.

    Regardless, you've already invited her into your WP and she hasn't done anything that warrants removing her.  Let her be responsible for once for herself and if she fails, she becomes a normal guest and that's her own doing.   Look at that, a consequence for ones behavior!
    FWIW - after reading the other details in the cross post, I don't know that I stand by this advice anymore.  It sounds to me like her family who was once loving and supportive doesn't like the way in which the child was conceived and are now punishing her in other ways.  I also agree with the others who suspect she is suffering from postpartum depression.

    Either way, you invited her, you keep her.  If she doesn't show up in the recommended apparel, then she took herself out of the party.
    image
    PrettyGirlLost
  • 14 month old = unreliable. Always lol
    Something your FI and FMI might consider and you may look into - if she wasn't this way before the maybe there could be two reasons for this new attitude
    1) stress of LIFE is just wearing her down and she doesnt have patience - you always turn your bad behaviour on those closest to you because your used to being yourself around them
    2) Post partum. Post partum disorders can last for years and in some cases the hormone changes cause by having a child can cause new life long mental health conditions to emerge. As patient and loving as everyone has been, have you talked to her about the change in personality? She may not be aware. If you two were close you may be a good person to talk to her who wont yell or lose temper. Maybe she needs to get mad and scream and cry to help get over the issues. 
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    If FSIL is doing all the talking, then people are seeing through her stories.  You can only tell the stories so much until someone starts to think, are ALL of those people as bad as she's always making them out to be?

    This is a crazy family dynamic that is going on.  It might be best to schedule a few sessions with a counselor so that you and FI can figure out a healthy way to deal with FSIL's antics.  Being taught a few ways to handle FSIL could make your future interactions easier for you and FI.

    As for potential future gifts for your niece.  You might want to consider opening a bank account or 529 college fund for niece.  Then you can just give money to that account for any celebrations.  If FSIL wants to try and bad mouth a college savings plan, good luck to her!  She will sound incredibly thoughtless!

    FSIL's antics?  How about FMIL's antics too?  There's a reason we say that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. . . a person's psycological dysfunction doesn't just develop in a vacuum.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    STARMOON44InLoveInQueens
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