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HELP!

Knottie66977628Knottie66977628 member
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in Destination Weddings Discussions
Hi all!

My fiancé and I have decided on a European wedding, but I don't know how to remove people from the guest list. I know that people will decline based on expenses, but I'm not sure it will be enough. 

The both of us have large families, and we have eliminated everyone we possible could, and the HC is still at about 200 people. 

We can't select a venue until we have a final headcount, and most of the villas that we have looked at in Italy hold maximum 100 people (without renting out a castle. I would LOVE this idea, my honey, not so much). My WP is pretty awesome, she's having a hard time finding a large enough venue and stay within our budget. 

Should I go ahead and invite all 200 and hope that 100 people decline?

Thanks in advance! 



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Re: HELP!

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    Knottie66977628 said:
    Hi all!

    My fiancé and I have decided on a European wedding, but I don't know how to remove people from the guest list. I know that people will decline based on expenses, but I'm not sure it will be enough. 

    The both of us have large families, and we have eliminated everyone we possible could, and the HC is still at about 200 people. 

    We can't select a venue until we have a final headcount, and most of the villas that we have looked at in Italy hold maximum 100 people (without renting out a castle. I would LOVE this idea, my honey, not so much). My WP is pretty awesome, she's having a hard time finding a large enough venue and stay within our budget. 

    Should I go ahead and invite all 200 and hope that 100 people decline?

    Thanks in advance! 



    No to the bolded.  What happens if 100 people don't decline?  Then you are up shit creek without a paddle.

    If the max you can fit in a venue within your budget is 100 people then you need to start your guest list over and only have 100 spots available to fill in.  And make sure that the 100 does not also have to include your vendors.  Oh and make sure you add yourself and your FI to the guest list.  You would be surprised how many couples forget about adding themselves.

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  • Knottie66977628Knottie66977628 member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    Thank you. 

    This destination wedding thing was supposed to be easier, I feel like it's making me crazier! 


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  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 mod
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    Knottie66977628 said:
    Thank you. 

    This destination wedding thing was supposed to be easier, I feel like it's making me crazier! 

    Planning a DW is only easier when it involves a small guest list. Having a European wedding, in particular, is quite daunting as it's more expensive and they do not offer resorts with "pre-packaged" deals. I personally believe trying to have a full up traditional wedding away from home is not what a DW is supposed to be. A DW is supposed to be giving up the traditional wedding aspect and having a smaller, more offbeat (yet within etiquette) event.

     







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  • Knottie66977628Knottie66977628 member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    edited October 2015
    I know. 

    We feel a bit over our heads. TBH, I want 50 people (which is still a large amount), his family is crazy and it will be more of a headache if we don't invite people. 

    Luckily, price is not a huge issue. 

    The bright side is that have not yet sent out our STD, maybe I should look domestically?  


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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
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    edited October 2015
    WHY do you want to have a European wedding?  WHY?
    Are you thinking of yourselves, or of your guests?
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • littlestmonkeylittlestmonkey member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Honestly, the paperwork alone involved in a European wedding if neither of you are from the EU would be enough to make me look domestically. Even if one of you is from the EU the paperwork might still be enough to make me look domestically.

    (Said as a European who had a European wedding with a US citizen).
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  • Knottie66977628Knottie66977628 member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    edited October 2015
    We were looking European as that is what we have always wanted. When we first starting seriously talking about marriage, he said he would not have issues with saying no to his overbearing family and we would keep the list to 40-50 people. 

    Now that the planning has started, he is having a hard time communicating to them why we need to reduce the HC. 

    Initially, we started out with 350+ people (crazy right?). I am making the sacrifices and having the tough conversations...he's having a hard time. 
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  • Knottie66977628Knottie66977628 member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    Yeah, I'm thinking of nixing this idea. So much of a headache, my WP is going crazy.

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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Sounds like you and your FI need to get on the same page with what kind of wedding you want and how much you are willing to spend. Then work on a guest list. What helped me was thinking about everyone who I absolutely would want there on my wedding day and I'd be incredibly sad if they weren't (my VIPs), who I really wanted there, and then who it would be nice if they were there, but I wouldn't be changing plans if they couldn't make it. If you're paying for this yourselves then you control the guest list. Then start looking at venues based on how many people you need to fit comfortably (including vendors and you and FI) assuming 100% attendance. Never invite more people that the venue can hold and expect declines.

    But the best advice? Get on the same page as your FI and let him communicate with his family. You two need to decide what kind of wedding you two want and have him communicate that with your FILs.
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  • KatWAGKatWAG member
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    Why dont you elope to Europe? Then you can get your dream wedding in Europe without having to worry about feeling getting hurt over the guest list.
    BabyFruit Ticker
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    I think it's funny someone things a DW is easier.  I didn't find it easier or harder.  It's still a wedding, still need all the same basic stuff.  It's just at a different location.     Some people might say it's harder to plan from OOT (although I was not one of them)






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • redoryxredoryx member
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    littlestmonkey said:
    Honestly, the paperwork alone involved in a European wedding if neither of you are from the EU would be enough to make me look domestically. Even if one of you is from the EU the paperwork might still be enough to make me look domestically.

    (Said as a European who had a European wedding with a US citizen).

    This. Are you able to legally get married in Europe? That might be all you need to cancel a plan for a European wedding. 
    image
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  • GlamQueenBrideGlamQueenBride member
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    CMGragain said:
    WHY do you want to have a European wedding?  WHY?
    Are you thinking of yourselves, or of your guests?
    All DWs are people thinking of themselves and there's nothing wrong with that. Guests don't have to go.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    Knottie63139532 said:
    CMGragain said:
    WHY do you want to have a European wedding?  WHY?
    Are you thinking of yourselves, or of your guests?
    All DWs are people thinking of themselves and there's nothing wrong with that. Guests don't have to go.
    Yes, and if you're okay with guests not going, you're fine.  But it is more important to me to have my friends and family attend than have wedding photos at a tropical location.  So, if you're okay with your sister not being able to afford the trip, your parents not being able to spend 8 hours on an airplane, your BFF not being able to take the time off work, and the only people able to attend your wedding be your rich cougar Aunt Ida and her latest boy-toy, then go for it!  But if it's more important to have your sister, parents and BFF attend, maybe you want to take their situations into account before planning their vacations for them.
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  • GlamQueenBrideGlamQueenBride member
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    adk19 said:
    Knottie63139532 said:
    CMGragain said:
    WHY do you want to have a European wedding?  WHY?
    Are you thinking of yourselves, or of your guests?
    All DWs are people thinking of themselves and there's nothing wrong with that. Guests don't have to go.
    Yes, and if you're okay with guests not going, you're fine.  But it is more important to me to have my friends and family attend than have wedding photos at a tropical location.  So, if you're okay with your sister not being able to afford the trip, your parents not being able to spend 8 hours on an airplane, your BFF not being able to take the time off work, and the only people able to attend your wedding be your rich cougar Aunt Ida and her latest boy-toy, then go for it!  But if it's more important to have your sister, parents and BFF attend, maybe you want to take their situations into account before planning their vacations for them.
    Why is it all or nothing??? I don't get that mentality at all. Nothing is black and white. I don't know a single couple who didn't elope who didn't check with their VIPs before booking a DW. Perhaps you do, but your experience is not universal. Most people check with VIPs. They care if their parents are there. They care if their BFF is there. They even care if their 7th cousin twice removed is there or they wouldn't send the invite, but they understand that the 7th cousin twice removed can't make it. That doesn't make them selfish or uncaring, which is the implication with posts like these and ones that ask "are you thinking of yourselves or your guests?" The answer to that question is obvious -- they're thinking of themselves. So what? It's their wedding, their checkbook, their choice.
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  • knottie2b256f5c2ae42586knottie2b256f5c2ae42586 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper


    Knottie63139532 said:

    Why is it all or nothing??? I don't get that mentality at all. Nothing is black and white. I don't know a single couple who didn't elope who didn't check with their VIPs before booking a DW. Perhaps you do, but your experience is not universal. Most people check with VIPs. They care if their parents are there. They care if their BFF is there. They even care if their 7th cousin twice removed is there or they wouldn't send the invite, but they understand that the 7th cousin twice removed can't make it. That doesn't make them selfish or uncaring, which is the implication with posts like these and ones that ask "are you thinking of yourselves or your guests?" The answer to that question is obvious -- they're thinking of themselves. So what? It's their wedding, their checkbook, their choice.

    I'm out of the boxes! What!!!!

    1. I'm pretty sure eloping is where the TWO people getting married just do it on their own. No guests. No reception. No wedding-y stuff. I figure that making sure it's ok with VIPs before doing so/asking permission defeats some of the reasoning behind eloping?

    2. Yes, it is their choice to have their wedding in Europe. However, if they are expecting their guests to come or want their guests there at all, then there are other things to consider like their budgets and ability to take enough time off work. Not considering those factors while holding onto the expectation that guests will somehow make it work is not how eloping or a DW works.

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  • GlamQueenBrideGlamQueenBride member
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    Jax43615 said:


    Knottie63139532 said:

    Why is it all or nothing??? I don't get that mentality at all. Nothing is black and white. I don't know a single couple who didn't elope who didn't check with their VIPs before booking a DW. Perhaps you do, but your experience is not universal. Most people check with VIPs. They care if their parents are there. They care if their BFF is there. They even care if their 7th cousin twice removed is there or they wouldn't send the invite, but they understand that the 7th cousin twice removed can't make it. That doesn't make them selfish or uncaring, which is the implication with posts like these and ones that ask "are you thinking of yourselves or your guests?" The answer to that question is obvious -- they're thinking of themselves. So what? It's their wedding, their checkbook, their choice.

    I'm out of the boxes! What!!!!

    1. I'm pretty sure eloping is where the TWO people getting married just do it on their own. No guests. No reception. No wedding-y stuff. I figure that making sure it's ok with VIPs before doing so/asking permission defeats some of the reasoning behind eloping?

    2. Yes, it is their choice to have their wedding in Europe. However, if they are expecting their guests to come or want their guests there at all, then there are other things to consider like their budgets and ability to take enough time off work. Not considering those factors while holding onto the expectation that guests will somehow make it work is not how eloping or a DW works.


    (1) Yes, I know that. That's my point. I don't know anyone who didn't elope who didn't check with VIPs. As in, I know people who elope don't check with VIPs since it's just the couple eloping.

    (2) A wedding invitation is just that, an invitation. It doesn't require someone to come. I have no problem with my friends having a DW in, say, Ireland. Will I go? Probably not, but so what? It's their wedding, not mine. I don't think they're selfish for choosing to have their wedding where they want and I would never presume to tell them that if they want me to come, they need to hold it somewhere in the States. No one said that any couple having a DW has the expectation that all their guests would come. In fact, it would have to be an incredibly stupid couple to assume that most of your guests will make a true DW. I still don't see the big deal in it.
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  • knottie2b256f5c2ae42586knottie2b256f5c2ae42586 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper

    Ah,sorry! Misread your post! Thinking is hard sometimes

    If you are not concerned with how any guests will be able to make it to your wedding, then go ahead with the European wedding. However, maybe it would be easiest to start from scratch with your guest list. Check again with your VIPs and see where they are at with whether or not they would be willing to shell out the $ in order to attend (this can always change, though). Start with immediate family and super close friends and go from there.

    From what I am getting from you and PP is that if you check with your VIPs and they would all really love to attend your wedding and would be hurt if they could not simply due to the extravagance of a European location, then you should consider changing your plans. Maybe you could pick a closer or similar location?

    We were thinking of doing a DW but after thinking about it for a few weeks, we decided that many of our friends/family would probably not be able to attend and those who did attend would have to work hard to save the necessary finances. Not worth it in my book. I don't want to put that kind of pressure on my guests - especially for the amount of time it would take to save up that $.

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