Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

Honoring my dad

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Re: Honoring my dad

  • I'm sewing his initials in my dress and playing a song at the reception. Not making an announcement about the song. Anyone who knew him will know what it is for. I'm doing it soley for me. Everyone knows he is gone so don't think need to make it symbolic for anyone but me. Only my fiance knows about the initials. 
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    PupatellaViczaesarInLoveInQueens
  • I love the idea of the picture in your bouquet, and agree that the empty chair may be a little much.

    My brother-in-law lost his father when he was younger. When he and my sister were married, they had his dad's favorite song (which was also his parent's wedding song) sung before the ceremony. Only those of us in the family understood the significance of the song, everyone else thought it was a beautiful love song being performed to help set the mood. 

    We had a brother pass away a few years before. When my sister and BIL walked back down the isle they did so to a song that represented my brother. Again, only those of us in the family knew the significant of the choice while everyone else saw it as a beautiful song choice.


  • I agree with everyone that the picture in the bouquet is a lovely idea. The chair is a little much.

    I lost both of my grandfathers relatively close to my wedding- one just short of 2 years before and one about 6 months before. My DH lost almost all of his grandparents too. In order to honor all of our grandparents and parents, next to our guest book I had framed pictures of our parents and grandparents at their weddings. No signs about them not being there, just showing a small, immediate family history of weddings. 

    I also had one grandfather's favorite tie tack and the other grandfather's favorite hat pin inside my dress- only a few people knew about it, my grandmothers especially loved it. And one that only I really knew about was that my grandfathers' favorite candies were in our candy bar. 
  • i'm sorry about your dad. I lost my dad nearly 20 years ago, by the time I get married will be going on 21 years. my fiancé and I chose to get married on his birthday. it wasn't our original plan, it just happened that way & I think it's a nice way to share my special day with him. I thought of doing the empty chair thing, but I wasn't sure if it'd be too much. i'm happy I read this post bcuz you ladies are right I think it's a bit morbid. I do however plan to get a picture charm thing for my bouquet. check etsy I found a nice one with a short poem for a lost dad also. if you're not able to find it and would like to please comment me I think I have it in my faves on that site. I am also going to frame a picture at my reception, and write a message to him in a birthday card and display it next to the frame. is the card too much?! I don't want to distract negatively, but I do want everyone to recognize it's his birthday, and that I chose so on purpose.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    i'm sorry about your dad. I lost my dad nearly 20 years ago, by the time I get married will be going on 21 years. my fiancé and I chose to get married on his birthday. it wasn't our original plan, it just happened that way & I think it's a nice way to share my special day with him. I thought of doing the empty chair thing, but I wasn't sure if it'd be too much. i'm happy I read this post bcuz you ladies are right I think it's a bit morbid. I do however plan to get a picture charm thing for my bouquet. check etsy I found a nice one with a short poem for a lost dad also. if you're not able to find it and would like to please comment me I think I have it in my faves on that site. I am also going to frame a picture at my reception, and write a message to him in a birthday card and display it next to the frame. is the card too much?! I don't want to distract negatively, but I do want everyone to recognize it's his birthday, and that I chose so on purpose.
    I personally think the display of a personal note is too much.  I do not mean to be callous, but I don't know why you think it is important that EVERYONE recognize your dad's birthday.  My folks have been gone for many years; my brother died 21 years ago.  Trust me when I say I need NO reminder of any of their birthdays, or even their DOD's.  I don't expect everyone to have those dates locked into their memories.

    If you have wedding programs, it can be an appropriate place to mention all those not in attendance.  Perhaps you could include a small notation there that acknowledges the significance of your date.
    ShesSoColdInLoveInQueens
  • First of all, I'm sorry for your loss.  I can appreciate how difficult this situation is, and I wish you the best of luck in finding the perfect way to honor your dad in your ceremony.

    I'm a wedding officiant, and I've seen every way possible to honor a relative that has passed.  The idea of an empty chair makes some people uncomfortable, but if you like the idea of placing a flower in an empty chair, then you should do that.  Anyone who is uncomfortable, it will only be slightly, and they'll get over it.

    I've had a couple release a white balloon at the beginning on the ceremony.  The words I said were: "We cherish the memories of the loved ones who are with us in spirit, and in recognition of the love, comfort and wisdom they shared with us, we now release this balloon towards the heavens, which carry a piece of our hearts with it to the ones who are gone but not forgotten."  We had a moment of silence afterwards (you could also light a candle instead of release the balloon, and change the wording slightly).  Nobody was upset or sad over this, although a few tears were shed.  Overwhelmingly, after the ceremony I was told by several people how touching this was. We followed up with this - to lighten the mood a bit, and get people to laugh: "Now…If anyone feels this couple should not be united in holy matrimony…speak now and we will kindly have you removed!"

    At the reception, I've seen people set a small table with a place setting and single red rose, with a small card telling a story of the loved one(s) lost.

    The thing to remember is, even if something makes someone sad, it will only be temporary.  They won't dwell on it all evening and be bummed out over your entire wedding over one detail.

    There were several great ideas in this thread too.  The hat rack, tie, rocks, flowers...etc...all beautiful tributes.  At the end of the day, you have to find what will make you happy and touch your heart the most.  Maybe really hone in on something that was important to you and your dad.  Did you guys like to fish?  Maybe have one of his lures sewn into your dress (with the sharp point clipped or covered!).  Maybe you guys went to every baseball game from your home town.  Get a baseball and place it someplace at the ceremony, then have someone you trust move it to the reception.  Not everyone will know what it is for, but this is for you; so it doesn't matter.   And everyone will have a different opinion on it, so don't try to please everyone (just look how many different opinions came across when the hat/stand idea was mentioned)!  So, go with what makes you happy and touched.

    Good luck, have a beautiful day!

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited September 2015

    First of all, I'm sorry for your loss.  I can appreciate how difficult this situation is, and I wish you the best of luck in finding the perfect way to honor your dad in your ceremony.


    I'm a wedding officiant, and I've seen every way possible to honor a relative that has passed.  The idea of an empty chair makes some people uncomfortable, but if you like the idea of placing a flower in an empty chair, then you should do that.  Anyone who is uncomfortable, it will only be slightly, and they'll get over it.

    I've had a couple release a white balloon at the beginning on the ceremony.  The words I said were: "We
    cherish the memories of the loved ones who are with us in spirit, and in
    recognition of the love, comfort and wisdom they shared with us, we now release
    this balloon towards the heavens, which carry a piece of our hearts with it to
    the ones who are gone but not forgotten."  We had a moment of silence afterwards (you could also light a candle instead of release the balloon, and change the wording slightly).  Nobody was upset or sad over this, although a few tears were shed.  Overwhelmingly, after the 
    ceremony I was told by several people how touching this was. We followed up with this - to lighten the mod a bit, and get people to laugh: "Now…If
    anyone feels this couple should not be united in holy matrimony…speak now and
    we will kindly have you removed!"

    At the reception, I've seen people set a small table with a place setting and single red rose, with a small card telling a story of the loved one(s) lost.

    The thing to remember is, even if something makes someone sad, it will only be temporary.  They won't dwell on it all evening and be bummed out over your entire wedding over one detail.

    There were several great ideas in this thread too.  The hat rack, tie, rocks, flowers...etc...all beautiful tributes.  At the end of the day, you have to find what will make you happy and touch your heart the most.  Maybe really hone in on something that was important to you and your dad.  Did you guys like to fish?  Maybe have one of his lures sewn into your dress (with the sharp point clipped or covered!).  Maybe you guys went to every baseball game from your home town.  Get a baseball and place it someplace at the ceremony, then have someone you trust move it to the reception.  Not everyone will know what it is for, but this is for you; so it doesn't matter.   And everyone will have a different opinion on it, so don't try to please everyone (just look how many different opinions came across when the hat/stand idea was mentioned)!  So, go with what makes you happy and touched.

    Good luck, have a beautiful day!

    Sorry, no. Lurkers, do not take this advice. There are nice, appropriate ways to remember deceased loved ones at weddings, but the bolded is not among them.

    Weddings are not memorial services for the dead, and no one should have to get over any discomfort at having to sit next to an empty seat or other overt "memorial" symbol-especially if they themselves also mourn the deceased. They were invited to a joyous occasion, not to grieve for the dead. As soon as you invite anyone to your wedding, it stops being all about you and what makes you happy or "touched" and also needs to consider everyone else's needs.
    InLoveInQueens
  • My Dad passed away when I was 10, and I wanted to be sure he was a part, but not a focus, of our wedding. I also have lost both my Grandfathers, and my husband has lost both of his Grandfathers as well as one Grandmother. 

    My Mom and now-husband worked together to have the diamonds from my Mom's engagement ring set in a new, custom setting. Years ago, my Mom had also taken hers and my Dad's wedding rings and had a necklace made- when dress shopping, I knew that I was going to wear the necklace, and the right dress would go well with it.

    Our reception was held at an old barn, and we placed photos of our loved ones who had passed away in the windows, along with small votives. 

    I also had a small double-sided frame on my bouquet (I bought it at Michael's), one photo of my Dad, and a second of my Mom and Dad together, because my Stepfather walked me down the aisle. 

    Like I said, I was 10 when my Dad died- it's been nearly 17 years. My husband never met my Dad, and neither did any of his family. Thinking about it, I bet two-thirds of our guests didn't even know my Dad. It really would have been a bit of an odd gesture to include an empty chair at our wedding. 

    Regardless, it's your day, and you should do what makes sense to you. I think there are a ton of other ways you can ensure your Dad (or any other loved one) is represented that may be a bit more appropriate. 
  • Your wedding is a happy occasion. Tuck your favorite photo of your Dad into your wedding dress close to your heart. Have a private moment that day with your Mom, spouse and siblings. Raise a glass amongst yourselves and allow yourselves to get teary. Then share the happiness of the day with your guests and new family. Best wishes.
    InLoveInQueens
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    My Dad passed away when I was 10, and I wanted to be sure he was a part, but not a focus, of our wedding. I also have lost both my Grandfathers, and my husband has lost both of his Grandfathers as well as one Grandmother. 

    My Mom and now-husband worked together to have the diamonds from my Mom's engagement ring set in a new, custom setting. Years ago, my Mom had also taken hers and my Dad's wedding rings and had a necklace made- when dress shopping, I knew that I was going to wear the necklace, and the right dress would go well with it.

    Our reception was held at an old barn, and we placed photos of our loved ones who had passed away in the windows, along with small votives. 

    I also had a small double-sided frame on my bouquet (I bought it at Michael's), one photo of my Dad, and a second of my Mom and Dad together, because my Stepfather walked me down the aisle. 

    Like I said, I was 10 when my Dad died- it's been nearly 17 years. My husband never met my Dad, and neither did any of his family. Thinking about it, I bet two-thirds of our guests didn't even know my Dad. It really would have been a bit of an odd gesture to include an empty chair at our wedding. 

    Regardless, it's your day, and you should do what makes sense to you. I think there are a ton of other ways you can ensure your Dad (or any other loved one) is represented that may be a bit more appropriate. 
    Except for the bolded, I agree with your post.  But if it makes "sense" to the OP to have an empty chair, this is something that still shouldn't be done because her wedding is not "her day." It is the day of everyone else there too, and their feelings need to be taken into consideration.
  • I do not agree with saying she shouldn't leave a rose in a chair for her father.  If that is what she wants to do - that is what she wants to do, and God bless her.  Her dad is a guest too.  Just because he is a guest in spirit only, does not mean he is not an important or valuable guest.  If she feels she wants to have a chair for him, great.

    Nobody is asking her to have a memorial service for her dad, and I don't think that is her intent, either.  She wants a meaningful way to memorize her dad at the wedding, and if that is what is meaningful to her; you have no right to tell her it is "wrong."  It is wrong in your opinion, not everyone else's.  Some people would not be bothered in the least by an empty chair with a rose on it.  Some people would be touched.  It would remind some people of their own happy memories of that person.  And some people, might not even notice.

    You need to consider the needs and comfort of your guests, and your finance, and his guests - yes, of course.  But, it is also still her day as well, and it should be filled with meaning and purpose for her, as well.  It is also about her.  She can't cease to have what she wants, just so nobody has to have the (oh, horror, GASP!) of seeing an empty chair.

    And seriously.  Who is she inviting to the wedding?  Not strangers to impress.  She is inviting her family and friends.  They are inviting her FH's family and friends.  Do you really think, these people will be so bereaved and upset over the sight of this chair, that they will just be sad all evening, and not have a good time at all?  No, of course not.  Not only do they want to support the bride and surround her with love, all that will happen is they'll see the chair, acknowledge it in their way, then move on from it.  Nobody is going to be besides with themselves with grief over it. 

    I'm not saying she SHOULD do the chair.  I'm saying she should do what is meaningful and appropriate to her for this, because this part of the ceremony is about her.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited September 2015

    I do not agree with saying she shouldn't leave a rose in a chair for her father.  If that is what she wants to do - that is what she wants to do, and God bless her.  Her dad is a guest too.  Just because he is a guest in spirit only, does not mean he is not an important or valuable guest.  If she feels she wants to have a chair for him, great.


    Nobody is asking her to have a memorial service for her dad, and I don't think that is her intent, either.  She wants a meaningful way to memorize her dad at the wedding, and if that is what is meaningful to her; you have no right to tell her it is "wrong."  It is wrong in your opinion, not everyone else's.  Some people would not be bothered in the least by an empty chair with a rose on it.  Some people would be touched.  It would remind some people of their own happy memories of that person.  And some people, might not even notice.

    You need to consider the needs and comfort of your guests, and your finance, and his guests - yes, of course.  But, it is also still her day as well, and it should be filled with meaning and purpose for her, as well.  It is also about her.  She can't cease to have what she wants, just so nobody has to have the (oh, horror, GASP!) of seeing an empty chair.

    And seriously.  Who is she inviting to the wedding?  Not strangers to impress.  She is inviting her family and friends.  They are inviting her FH's family and friends.  Do you really think, these people will be so bereaved and upset over the sight of this chair, that they will just be sad all evening, and not have a good time at all?  No, of course not.  Not only do they want to support the bride and surround her with love, all that will happen is they'll see the chair, acknowledge it in their way, then move on from it.  Nobody is going to be besides with themselves with grief over it. 

    I'm not saying she SHOULD do the chair.  I'm saying she should do what is meaningful and appropriate to her for this, because this part of the ceremony is about her.
    Look, posters here have indicated that they have been upset by, or witnessed others upset by, empty chairs at weddings because they did know and mourn the deceased, regardless of whether or not the ceremony was "for" or "about" the couple and whether or not this particular gesture of "remembrance" is "right" for them personally, so we are not going to advocate it or support the "it's the bride's/groom's day so they should do what they think is best" argument when it comes to memorial gestures at weddings. How do you think the widow/er, sibling, other child, or perhaps parent of that deceased person might feel about being expected to sit next to that empty chair? Don't their feelings count?

    Weddings and wedding ceremonies are not exclusively for or about the couple unless they are literally the only people there. If they are done at all, they need to be kept subtle, and empty chairs are about as subtle as an oncoming Mack truck. If you (generic) really don't care about the needs of your guests, including their emotional ones, and even mock them with sarcasm, why are you even inviting them? That's very inconsiderate and selfish of you (still generic).
    Pupatella
  • I do not agree with saying she shouldn't leave a rose in a chair for her father.  If that is what she wants to do - that is what she wants to do, and God bless her.  Her dad is a guest too.  Just because he is a guest in spirit only, does not mean he is not an important or valuable guest.  If she feels she wants to have a chair for him, great.

    Nobody is asking her to have a memorial service for her dad, and I don't think that is her intent, either.  She wants a meaningful way to memorize her dad at the wedding, and if that is what is meaningful to her; you have no right to tell her it is "wrong."  It is wrong in your opinion, not everyone else's.  Some people would not be bothered in the least by an empty chair with a rose on it.  Some people would be touched.  It would remind some people of their own happy memories of that person.  And some people, might not even notice.

    You need to consider the needs and comfort of your guests, and your finance, and his guests - yes, of course.  But, it is also still her day as well, and it should be filled with meaning and purpose for her, as well.  It is also about her.  She can't cease to have what she wants, just so nobody has to have the (oh, horror, GASP!) of seeing an empty chair.

    And seriously.  Who is she inviting to the wedding?  Not strangers to impress.  She is inviting her family and friends.  They are inviting her FH's family and friends.  Do you really think, these people will be so bereaved and upset over the sight of this chair, that they will just be sad all evening, and not have a good time at all?  No, of course not.  Not only do they want to support the bride and surround her with love, all that will happen is they'll see the chair, acknowledge it in their way, then move on from it.  Nobody is going to be besides with themselves with grief over it. 

    I'm not saying she SHOULD do the chair.  I'm saying she should do what is meaningful and appropriate to her for this, because this part of the ceremony is about her.
    I don't agree with this.

    My father passed away a few years ago. He had a favorite tie that is in my possession. I was originally going to wrap my bouquet with his tie. I asked my Mom if this would bother her and she said no. The second I showed her which tie I was talking about, she literally broke down sobbing. Just seeing that tie brought back a flood of memories, and it was very overwhelming for her. She told me that I can do what I want (it's my day, blah blah), but I think it would be very selfish of me to put my Mom's feelings aside for my vision of my Dad's tie around my bouquet.

    The same stands for the empty chair. You don't know who at the ceremony may be uncomfortable or saddened by that. It's not fair to them.

    I chose to honor my Dad a different way (I have incorporated his wedding ring into my dress - it's hidden and no one can see it). My Mom was so at peace with this idea, and I could tell had a much better reaction, and one that brought her a smile instead of tears. When I tried on the dress her hand went right to where the ring was. She found it, touched it, and smiled. No tears. It was okay with her.

  • I skipped the responses because they make me cry!

    My FI and I are avoiding obvious references like a picture or an empty chair. His father is deceased and both of us are lacking grandparents ( I have none and he has one grandmother) 

    Instead, we are replacing favors with the"in lieu of favor" donation to a charity that supports one of the illnesses that we lost a family member to. 

    We are also including his father on the invite (under FI's name the parents names) and are using his fathers ring. We are also debating a moment of silence after the  boys process in (before me and the girls do) and will include a list in the program of the people who couldnt be there :) 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited October 2015
    I skipped the responses because they make me cry!

    My FI and I are avoiding obvious references like a picture or an empty chair. His father is deceased and both of us are lacking grandparents ( I have none and he has one grandmother) 

    Instead, we are replacing favors with the"in lieu of favor" donation to a charity that supports one of the illnesses that we lost a family member to. 

    We are also including his father on the invite (under FI's name the parents names) and are using his fathers ring. We are also debating a moment of silence after the  boys process in (before me and the girls do) and will include a list in the program of the people who couldnt be there :) 

    If you want to do the bolded, don't announce it at the wedding-it can come off in ways that you don't intend and not come off as a generous, altruistic gesture of filial love and respect.  Guests aren't supposed to expect favors, which are totally optional anyway, and your wedding is not the time to "raise awareness" of other causes.  It treats your guests as a captive audience for whatever cause you are trying to support.

    Also, it is not appropriate to list deceased persons on wedding invitations.  The only persons who should be listed are the hosts and honorees, and deceased persons can be neither.

    You can list him in the program, and if you are marrying in a religious ceremony and your religion has appropriate prayers for the deceased, you can mention them then, but I'd skip the moment of silence.  It's just too much emphasis on those who aren't there on what is supposed to be a happy occasion.

  • Jen4948 said:
    I skipped the responses because they make me cry!

    My FI and I are avoiding obvious references like a picture or an empty chair. His father is deceased and both of us are lacking grandparents ( I have none and he has one grandmother) 

    Instead, we are replacing favors with the"in lieu of favor" donation to a charity that supports one of the illnesses that we lost a family member to. 

    We are also including his father on the invite (under FI's name the parents names) and are using his fathers ring. We are also debating a moment of silence after the  boys process in (before me and the girls do) and will include a list in the program of the people who couldnt be there :) 

    If you want to do the bolded, don't announce it at the wedding-it can come off in ways that you don't intend and not come off as a generous, altruistic gesture of filial love and respect.  Guests aren't supposed to expect favors, which are totally optional anyway, and your wedding is not the time to "raise awareness" of other causes.  It treats your guests as a captive audience for whatever cause you are trying to support.

    Also, it is not appropriate to list deceased persons on wedding invitations.  The only persons who should be listed are the hosts and honorees, and deceased persons can be neither.

    You can list him in the program, and if you are marrying in a religious ceremony and your religion has appropriate prayers for the deceased, you can mention them then, but I'd skip the moment of silence.  It's just too much emphasis on those who aren't there on what is supposed to be a happy occasion.

     Actually there is proper etiquette for deceased parents on an invitation. For instance under the grooms name you can put " son of Jane Doe and the late John Doe" or in another spot for the bride :) There's old fashioned etiquette for everything. 

    And yes, the "in lieu of" for favors is a new trend - but many large non-profit groups actually produce table cards etc to go with it. Some people get upset if you say "on your behalf" which is why I said "in lieu of" and best to do that if its for a specific group that has helped/ affected your family :) 

    Many memorial things will depend on the family and their reactions :) Our wedding is family only so it gives us a better grasp of what peoples reactions are and what they are used to:)
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers


    Jen4948 said:



    I skipped the responses because they make me cry!

    My FI and I are avoiding obvious references like a picture or an empty chair. His father is deceased and both of us are lacking grandparents ( I have none and he has one grandmother) 

    Instead, we are replacing favors with the"in lieu of favor" donation to a charity that supports one of the illnesses that we lost a family member to. 

    We are also including his father on the invite (under FI's name the parents names) and are using his fathers ring. We are also debating a moment of silence after the  boys process in (before me and the girls do) and will include a list in the program of the people who couldnt be there :) 



    If you want to do the bolded, don't announce it at the wedding-it can come off in ways that you don't intend and not come off as a generous, altruistic gesture of filial love and respect.  Guests aren't supposed to expect favors, which are totally optional anyway, and your wedding is not the time to "raise awareness" of other causes.  It treats your guests as a captive audience for whatever cause you are trying to support.

    Also, it is not appropriate to list deceased persons on wedding invitations.  The only persons who should be listed are the hosts and honorees, and deceased persons can be neither.

    You can list him in the program, and if you are marrying in a religious ceremony and your religion has appropriate prayers for the deceased, you can mention them then, but I'd skip the moment of silence.  It's just too much emphasis on those who aren't there on what is supposed to be a happy occasion.


     Actually there is proper etiquette for deceased parents on an invitation. For instance under the grooms name you can put " son of Jane Doe and the late John Doe" or in another spot for the bride :) There's old fashioned etiquette for everything. 

    And yes, the "in lieu of" for favors is a new trend - but many large non-profit groups actually produce table cards etc to go with it. Some people get upset if you say "on your behalf" which is why I said "in lieu of" and best to do that if its for a specific group that has helped/ affected your family :) 

    Many memorial things will depend on the family and their reactions :) Our wedding is family only so it gives us a better grasp of what peoples reactions are and what they are used to:)


    Sorry, but you're going to get feedback here telling you that neither of these things are appropriate, and they're not. Lurking here would have revealed to you that these subjects have come up before, and etiquette on these matters hasn't changed regardless of the times.
    [Deleted User]
  • Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    I skipped the responses because they make me cry!

    My FI and I are avoiding obvious references like a picture or an empty chair. His father is deceased and both of us are lacking grandparents ( I have none and he has one grandmother) 

    Instead, we are replacing favors with the"in lieu of favor" donation to a charity that supports one of the illnesses that we lost a family member to. 

    We are also including his father on the invite (under FI's name the parents names) and are using his fathers ring. We are also debating a moment of silence after the  boys process in (before me and the girls do) and will include a list in the program of the people who couldnt be there :) 

    If you want to do the bolded, don't announce it at the wedding-it can come off in ways that you don't intend and not come off as a generous, altruistic gesture of filial love and respect.  Guests aren't supposed to expect favors, which are totally optional anyway, and your wedding is not the time to "raise awareness" of other causes.  It treats your guests as a captive audience for whatever cause you are trying to support.

    Also, it is not appropriate to list deceased persons on wedding invitations.  The only persons who should be listed are the hosts and honorees, and deceased persons can be neither.

    You can list him in the program, and if you are marrying in a religious ceremony and your religion has appropriate prayers for the deceased, you can mention them then, but I'd skip the moment of silence.  It's just too much emphasis on those who aren't there on what is supposed to be a happy occasion.

     Actually there is proper etiquette for deceased parents on an invitation. For instance under the grooms name you can put " son of Jane Doe and the late John Doe" or in another spot for the bride :) There's old fashioned etiquette for everything. 

    And yes, the "in lieu of" for favors is a new trend - but many large non-profit groups actually produce table cards etc to go with it. Some people get upset if you say "on your behalf" which is why I said "in lieu of" and best to do that if its for a specific group that has helped/ affected your family :) 

    Many memorial things will depend on the family and their reactions :) Our wedding is family only so it gives us a better grasp of what peoples reactions are and what they are used to:)
    Sorry, but you're going to get feedback here telling you that neither of these things are appropriate, and they're not. Lurking here would have revealed to you that these subjects have come up before, and etiquette on these matters hasn't changed regardless of the times.
    Hmm Maybe the in lieu of is regional as its quite common in the area I live. As well as the names on invitation is an old style tradition. Food for thought though :) thank you
  • Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    I skipped the responses because they make me cry!

    My FI and I are avoiding obvious references like a picture or an empty chair. His father is deceased and both of us are lacking grandparents ( I have none and he has one grandmother) 

    Instead, we are replacing favors with the"in lieu of favor" donation to a charity that supports one of the illnesses that we lost a family member to. 

    We are also including his father on the invite (under FI's name the parents names) and are using his fathers ring. We are also debating a moment of silence after the  boys process in (before me and the girls do) and will include a list in the program of the people who couldnt be there :) 

    If you want to do the bolded, don't announce it at the wedding-it can come off in ways that you don't intend and not come off as a generous, altruistic gesture of filial love and respect.  Guests aren't supposed to expect favors, which are totally optional anyway, and your wedding is not the time to "raise awareness" of other causes.  It treats your guests as a captive audience for whatever cause you are trying to support.

    Also, it is not appropriate to list deceased persons on wedding invitations.  The only persons who should be listed are the hosts and honorees, and deceased persons can be neither.

    You can list him in the program, and if you are marrying in a religious ceremony and your religion has appropriate prayers for the deceased, you can mention them then, but I'd skip the moment of silence.  It's just too much emphasis on those who aren't there on what is supposed to be a happy occasion.

     Actually there is proper etiquette for deceased parents on an invitation. For instance under the grooms name you can put " son of Jane Doe and the late John Doe" or in another spot for the bride :) There's old fashioned etiquette for everything. 

    And yes, the "in lieu of" for favors is a new trend - but many large non-profit groups actually produce table cards etc to go with it. Some people get upset if you say "on your behalf" which is why I said "in lieu of" and best to do that if its for a specific group that has helped/ affected your family :) 

    Many memorial things will depend on the family and their reactions :) Our wedding is family only so it gives us a better grasp of what peoples reactions are and what they are used to:)
    Sorry, but you're going to get feedback here telling you that neither of these things are appropriate, and they're not. Lurking here would have revealed to you that these subjects have come up before, and etiquette on these matters hasn't changed regardless of the times.
    Hmm Maybe the in lieu of is regional as its quite common in the area I live. As well as the names on invitation is an old style tradition. Food for thought though :) thank you
    People come on here all the time saying things that a rude are "common in their region" only to have other people from that region point out just how uncommon it is. Don't treat your wedding like a memorial and don't show people your trying to be a martyr by giving money to a charity by taking something away from them- if you want to give to a charity then give, don't have flowers at your wedding and use the money for that. But using the favors as an excuse to give gets eye rolls at the least and horror when someone is unwilling to give to that charity because of personal beliefs. 
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    [Deleted User]Jen4948nerdwife
  • Jen4948 said:
    I skipped the responses because they make me cry!

    My FI and I are avoiding obvious references like a picture or an empty chair. His father is deceased and both of us are lacking grandparents ( I have none and he has one grandmother) 

    Instead, we are replacing favors with the"in lieu of favor" donation to a charity that supports one of the illnesses that we lost a family member to. 

    We are also including his father on the invite (under FI's name the parents names) and are using his fathers ring. We are also debating a moment of silence after the  boys process in (before me and the girls do) and will include a list in the program of the people who couldnt be there :) 

    If you want to do the bolded, don't announce it at the wedding-it can come off in ways that you don't intend and not come off as a generous, altruistic gesture of filial love and respect.  Guests aren't supposed to expect favors, which are totally optional anyway, and your wedding is not the time to "raise awareness" of other causes.  It treats your guests as a captive audience for whatever cause you are trying to support.

    Also, it is not appropriate to list deceased persons on wedding invitations.  The only persons who should be listed are the hosts and honorees, and deceased persons can be neither.

    You can list him in the program, and if you are marrying in a religious ceremony and your religion has appropriate prayers for the deceased, you can mention them then, but I'd skip the moment of silence.  It's just too much emphasis on those who aren't there on what is supposed to be a happy occasion.

     Actually there is proper etiquette for deceased parents on an invitation. For instance under the grooms name you can put " son of Jane Doe and the late John Doe" or in another spot for the bride :) There's old fashioned etiquette for everything. 

    And yes, the "in lieu of" for favors is a new trend - but many large non-profit groups actually produce table cards etc to go with it. Some people get upset if you say "on your behalf" which is why I said "in lieu of" and best to do that if its for a specific group that has helped/ affected your family :) 

    Many memorial things will depend on the family and their reactions :) Our wedding is family only so it gives us a better grasp of what peoples reactions are and what they are used to:)
    Yes, Charities can do this but your wedding is not a charity.  And of course charities will print out these cards for you, they're getting money from you.  Stores will also print out cards about your registry, doesn't mean you should include them in your wedding decor.

    If you're going to donate to a charity "in lieu of" something, do it in lieu of something for YOU, not something for the guest.  For example, in lieu of a wedding dress, the bride has donated $1000 to a charity of her choice and is wearing a dress she already owns out of her closet.
    Jen4948
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