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Bridezilla? More like Cousinzilla

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Re: Bridezilla? More like Cousinzilla

  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    Knottie1444628447 said:
    VarunaTT said:
    Now, it's a nerd wedding and I want an invite.

    Also, both you and FI are going to have to let it go.  BIL is going to side with wife.  "We'll be happy to have you as guests."  And stop talking about the wedding to them.  

    You've got a lot of drama and history and both of you have played into it.  Don't use your wedding as a peace summit, or FFS, as a prize.  You might think she doesn't respect you; TBH if someone I thought was a friend made sure to have multiple convos with me about not being a bridesmaid?  I wouldn't feel very respected and probably really damn lowered tier that I had thought, whether I ever thought about being in the wedding or not.
    She brought it up multiple times and I said no you will not be one. Once we were ACTUALLY engaged, I was the one to bring it up, but only because I wanted to nip it in the bud ahead of time? 

    Nerd wedding? @VarunaTT - yes. But in like a "Bride studied ancient history and traditions and literature and knows things only academics come across" lol. i've been nicknamed wiki (as in wikipedia) from co-workers because I know so many random things. When you get into what I actually studied I pretty much become a walking encyclopedia

    PrettyGirlLost I purposely did not include it because modern traditions are different for the culture. Because my degree included modern history but focused a lot on the much more historical environment, and I've read numerous historical documents and scripts and pieces that many people wouldnt have read - even current residents of that area. I don't really want to get into citations and digging through my books to prove its a real tradition. 

    @Barbie I'm sorry you found me to be not polite :( 
    OK, but can you tell us what culture this is, out of curiosity?

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    TrixieJess said:
    Knottie1444628447 said:
    VarunaTT said:
    Now, it's a nerd wedding and I want an invite.

    Also, both you and FI are going to have to let it go.  BIL is going to side with wife.  "We'll be happy to have you as guests."  And stop talking about the wedding to them.  

    You've got a lot of drama and history and both of you have played into it.  Don't use your wedding as a peace summit, or FFS, as a prize.  You might think she doesn't respect you; TBH if someone I thought was a friend made sure to have multiple convos with me about not being a bridesmaid?  I wouldn't feel very respected and probably really damn lowered tier that I had thought, whether I ever thought about being in the wedding or not.
    She brought it up multiple times and I said no you will not be one. Once we were ACTUALLY engaged, I was the one to bring it up, but only because I wanted to nip it in the bud ahead of time? 

    Nerd wedding? @VarunaTT - yes. But in like a "Bride studied ancient history and traditions and literature and knows things only academics come across" lol. i've been nicknamed wiki (as in wikipedia) from co-workers because I know so many random things. When you get into what I actually studied I pretty much become a walking encyclopedia

    PrettyGirlLost I purposely did not include it because modern traditions are different for the culture. Because my degree included modern history but focused a lot on the much more historical environment, and I've read numerous historical documents and scripts and pieces that many people wouldnt have read - even current residents of that area. I don't really want to get into citations and digging through my books to prove its a real tradition. 

    @Barbie I'm sorry you found me to be not polite :( 
    Are you having sex in front of an audience too to prove you're a virgin? 'Cause that used to be traditional. Also, is your father getting sheep, goats or cows in exchange for your marriage? Or do you come from an aristocratic background and land and homes will do. 

    So, yeah, traditions only go so far. Your BMs should be people to help bury a body at 2am. Or at least go toe-to-toe in a Twilight movie drinking game. 
    I think only the nobility did that, and it was more that you had to toss your bloody bed sheet out to your parents and IL's, rather than people actually watching you consummate the marriage.

    As I said in another thread, no one gave two shits about peasants marrying and then fucking ;-)

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    what about the tradition of the first night rights of the lord? are you going to do that too?
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  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
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    *Barbie* said:
    what about the tradition of the first night rights of the lord? are you going to do that too?
    https://38.media.tumblr.com/029706e64d8c9b733bd2bd8174f158d4/tumblr_njivqjIxio1t55xupo1_500.gif
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  • Knottie1444628447Knottie1444628447 member
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    The references for the single women only as bridesmaids happens in several Canadian works of literature that while novels are recognized for being historically accurate for Canada at the time. The writers are from families who emigrated from the British Isles. There are many Scottish/Irish.welsh etc and Celtic references for the roles of the married women and the roles of the single women. We incorporated many of these ancient traditions that are not common or modern now, but would have been at one point. There are several other traditions that have been lost and are recorded in "textbooks" but which I learned about from professors and older persons who were from areas in the British Isles where that tradition was still thriving when they were younger but may be gone now. 

    Varuna and PGL I hope that answers your queries and hopefully doesn't launch another breakdown of accuracy. 

    Also other posters, can you please stop attacking the tradition. Just because its not recognized "Globally" or in the US doesn't mean its not a tradition. Traditions can be regional, by country, religion, culture, race, etc. 

    Thanks ladies :) 
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  • Knottie1444628447Knottie1444628447 member
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    @heffalump If I had my way G and GM would all be dressed in the older style of Belted Plaid, but the complication of putting it on they voted for the modern walking kilt. While I'm told much of Braveheart is in error and haven't watched for my sanity's sake, the pictures of how the plaid is worn is semi - accurate to a belted plaid, but the armour underneath is debatable :) 
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  • Knottie1444628447Knottie1444628447 member
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    Also @Barbie, we don't have a feudal lord, so we didn't have to make that choice! All the fathers and grandfathers have passed away ;) Although... his uncle owns the building we live in... I will have to check about that. But he's italian so I don't know if they follow that. 
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Knottie1444628447 said:
     Twice before I was engaged the topic of "If you marry..." and both times I made it clear she wouldn't be a bridesmaid because of the tradition that it should be single women and both times she said if she wasn't in the party her husband wouldn't be.  

    I went to cousins house at the same time and told her we were getting married. I told her I knew she wanted to be a bridesmaid but repeated myself about tradition and our grama and also told her that I wanted her to feel welcome to join in any activities she wanted like dress shopping. 

    SITB:

    This is what makes it sound like you took every opportunity to tell her, "No, sorry, you aren't good enough for my wedding."

    You played a role in this mess.  Own it.  Then stop it.  Both you and FI keave cousin and her husband alone about your wedding and her "consolation gifts".  Invite them as guests.  Stop blaming OCD.  Plan your wedding how you want, fine, but don't pretend it's all about tradition and honor and studies and blah, blah,blah. It's this way b/c that's how you and FI want it. When asked, say, "That's how we want it, thanks." and move along.
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2015
    I have a real question here:

    Why did you and FI choose to not believe her or respect her statement if she wasn't going to be in the wedding party, her husband also would not?  Not that I think she's right on that, but I don't think you're right either for this whole tradition nonsense you're using as an excuse.  You make it sound like if she were single, she'd be in.  But I don't think that's true.  

    I think you need to have a come-to-truth talk with yourself here.  You don't want cousin in bridal party.  That's okay.  Cousin's husband doesn't want to be in groom's party without wife.  THAT'S OKAY TOO.  It's not just your way or the highway.  You need to give the same respect that you're expecting from others.
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    Knottie1444628447 said:
    Also @Barbie, we don't have a feudal lord, so we didn't have to make that choice! All the fathers and grandfathers have passed away ;) Although... his uncle owns the building we live in... I will have to check about that. But he's italian so I don't know if they follow that. 
    So then whose plaid are you wearing?  :-P

    Because only the nobility had family tartans. . . the peasants wore the tartan of their feudal lord. 

    And yes, the Italians had the same, dowry system as the rest of Europe.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 member
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    There is nothing wrong with incorporating tradition into your wedding day, as long as it doesn't hurt those that you supposedly love and care about. I'm sure you can incorporate a lot of lovely traditions that won't be rude to anyone. I mean, just think  about it logically, how messed up is it that only "single" girls can be in your bridal party? What if one becomes engaged and decides to pick a wedding date a month before yours, are you going to kick her out? What if one is single but then gets pregnant, will you kick her out then? Do you not realize how ridiculous this sounds?

    At the end of the day it's your day,and if you choose to go forward with your vision for your one wedding day, and not take into account those that you supposedly love and care about, so be it. 
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  • FiancBFiancB member
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    Grandparents are not the authority on etiquette and being polite. Mine thought it was appropriate to tell family members they were getting ridiculously fat whether they actually were or not, so there's that. 

    Do groomsmen have to be single too? Virgins? We're all about equality here. 

    If we followed that "rule" (which I've never heard) we would have had one bridesmaid and one groomsman apiece. And my one bridesmaid would've been my 10 year old niece. 
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  • mollybarker11mollybarker11 member
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    IrishPirate60 said:
    If this "tradition" from Grandma was so important, why was your cousin unaware of it? Made up mess.
    YUP. To sum up this mudpit:

    OP said all the single ladies nonsense came from their shared grandmother's (Druid?!) tradition. Then she said the cousin "expected to be [a bridesmaid] and made it clear for years that she expected to be multiple times". Why would a married woman expect to be a bridesmaid if she was taught that only single women could?

    "[Cousin] said if she wasn't in the party her husband wouldn't be [either]". Then the cousin's husband held to that and declined to be a groomsman. Why would he play along with that bizarre threat and damage his relationship with his brother?

    "FI got angry and doesn't want them coming at all". Their actions are super weird, but not unexpected given that this was all discussed before OP was even engaged. Why would FI get so angry over something he's basically known about for ages?
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  • mollybarker11mollybarker11 member
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    edited October 2015
    Assuming this isn't a renfaire short story, ignoring the facebook drama that I refuse to believe actually impacts adult relationships, and hoping OP comes back to clear this up, here are my responses:
    Madd_Bride said:
    1) what do we do about the brother? - Respect his decision to base his decisions on his weirdo wife's grudges and move on. FI can express that he's hurt by this decision if he wants to get into it. You shouldn't do anything.

    2) Can we be angry and not talk to them? FMIL is now offering separate holiday dinners (ps all family members know brother said no and all blame my cousin which I argue should be blamed on her and her husband together) - You can be angry but you should not act on it. LondonLisa had a perfect response to your FMIL. Do not argue about who is to blame. Those family members talking about it are making themselves look silly.
    3) Did we actually do something wrong? I know a lot of etiquette tells you to just add relatives who you know will cause issues if you don't - There are no traditions about relatives being in wedding parties and this certainly doesn't fall into the realm of etiquette. You weren't wrong to not ask her, but you were wrong in how you handled her being upset by it.
    4) she keeps arguing its different because of the double relation. Is it? - No none of that makes any sense. Your WP is for your dearest friends whether they're related to you or not (or whether they're single or not). If she insists on arguing about it, my advice is to shut up about the rules you have in your head and simply tell her that you chose only your best buds to be your bridesmaids.
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  • YogaSandyYogaSandy member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    OP - could grandma's "traditions" have just been titles? Technically, bridesmaids are single (because they are maids) and bridesmatrons are married. Same role, just different title (like miss ms and Mrs.). Granted, I don't think anyone uses the term bridesmatron.

    But this is probably MUD.
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  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
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    themosthappy91 said:
    I just have to say this poster may actually be the most insane- not the rudest, by far, but actually most insane- bride I've ever seen on here.

    I love how when pressed about where she's coming up with the idea this is an actual tradition and not just something stupid her family has made up, OP is basically like "it's mentioned in some very, very old textbooks that only someone who is extremely learned like myself would ever have come across and essentially no one else in the modern world is even aware this was ever a tradition except for somehow the tradition, which again I've only ever seen in old scholarly books and from professors in my very extensive studies of the subject, also happened to be extremely important to my grandmother but not so much so that my cousin who shared that same grandmother was aware this was a tradition."

    I'm pretty much replacing every instance of "scholarly text" in this thread to "Outlander fan-fiction" and "professors" to "tumblr" and it all sounds perfectly reasonable somehow. 
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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Since my family are legit English Pilgrims from 1615 and FI's family are Hungarians who came over between the World Wars I am going to call the whole thing off. Traditionally, my family only married other English settlers and I can't break tradition. Thanks OP for helping me see the error of my ways.

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  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler member
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    I'm calling MUD on this.

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