Un-Asking Bridesmaids

Knottie00267128 · October 2015

I'm having trouble deciding how to address two of the girls I had previously asked to be my bridesmaids.

I became engaged at the end of August and asked two of my college friends that I have kept in touch with over the years to be in my wedding. My MOH is a former roommate and isn't part of the problem, thank goodness.

Anyways, pretty shortly after I became engaged, the one bridesmaid decided she was going to marry her boyfriend of 3 months. They went and got a marriage license one day and didn't tell anyone. They were going to have a private ceremony and then do a ring ceremony in a few months, since their license would expire after 60 days. Her private ceremony snowballed into a 50 person, thrown together, semi-formal affair that I ended up doing a lot of last minute projects for her. All in all, she was engaged and married within the course of a month immediately following my engagement. I'm trying not to feel one-upped, but it's difficult.

She has done several hurtful things to me since my engagement, I won't fully elaborate, but she basically disagrees with everything traditional about my wedding, including the fact that my engagement ring is a diamond and she disagrees with the diamond industry.... Now she is upset with me over a regrettably insensitive comment I made at her wedding - I was already at the end of my rope with her. We had a big heart to heart this week over all of the things we have both been feeling and she has basically admitted that she didn't realize I was a sensitive person and that all her comments putting down my wedding were hurting me and that she feels like she hasn't gotten to know me on a deeper than surface level (she has her counseling degree).

So I pretty much feel like this person I thought was a close friend and that I knew on a pretty deep level doesn't know me at all. The trouble with the second bridesmaid is that she follows suit on whatever the first girl does. She's very insecure and codependent. I try to be sensitive to her, but she takes it personally whenever something good happens in my life (I must be looking down at her) or when I take too long to return a text. I've recently gone back to school, am working at a new job, planning a wedding, and going through the home buying process with my fiancé, so it's definitely not personal when I don't stay in close contact for the purpose of chit-chat, but she doesn't understand this and basically thinks I'm a stuck up bitch.

At this point, I'm ready to be done with both of them. I don't think I want them at my wedding, much less by my side as my closest friends, but I don't know how to address this with them.

Thoughts?

mileybangerz · October 2015

Knottie00267128 said:

I'm having trouble deciding how to address two of the girls I had previously asked to be my bridesmaids.

I became engaged at the end of August and asked two of my college friends that I have kept in touch with over the years to be in my wedding. My MOH is a former roommate and isn't part of the problem, thank goodness.

Anyways, pretty shortly after I became engaged, the one bridesmaid decided she was going to marry her boyfriend of 3 months. They went and got a marriage license one day and didn't tell anyone. They were going to have a private ceremony and then do a ring ceremony in a few months, since their license would expire after 60 days. Her private ceremony snowballed into a 50 person, thrown together, semi-formal affair that I ended up doing a lot of last minute projects for her. All in all, she was engaged and married within the course of a month immediately following my engagement. I'm trying not to feel one-upped, but it's difficult.

She has done several hurtful things to me since my engagement, I won't fully elaborate, but she basically disagrees with everything traditional about my wedding, including the fact that my engagement ring is a diamond and she disagrees with the diamond industry.... Now she is upset with me over a regrettably insensitive comment I made at her wedding - I was already at the end of my rope with her. We had a big heart to heart this week over all of the things we have both been feeling and she has basically admitted that she didn't realize I was a sensitive person and that all her comments putting down my wedding were hurting me and that she feels like she hasn't gotten to know me on a deeper than surface level (she has her counseling degree).

So I pretty much feel like this person I thought was a close friend and that I knew on a pretty deep level doesn't know me at all. The trouble with the second bridesmaid is that she follows suit on whatever the first girl does. She's very insecure and codependent. I try to be sensitive to her, but she takes it personally whenever something good happens in my life (I must be looking down at her) or when I take too long to return a text. I've recently gone back to school, am working at a new job, planning a wedding, and going through the home buying process with my fiancé, so it's definitely not personal when I don't stay in close contact for the purpose of chit-chat, but she doesn't understand this and basically thinks I'm a stuck up bitch.

At this point, I'm ready to be done with both of them. I don't think I want them at my wedding, much less by my side as my closest friends, but I don't know how to address this with them.

Thoughts?

Unasking a bridesmaid is about as feasible as unlosing your virginity. What you would be doing is essentially kicking her out. This will be a friendship-ending move. And, if she had already purchased a dress for your wedding, it would be appropriate for you to reimburse her for the cost.

You need to get over her "one-upping" you fast. Her decision was not about you; it was about her & her husband.

Knottie00267128 · October 2015

Neither of them have bought dresses. Yes, I realize it would be a friendship ending move. I pretty much feel like, after all the drama, I'm ready to not be friends with either of them.

I guess the issue is more the derogatory things she's said about my wedding - insulting my choice in rings and the level of traditionalism that will be included in my wedding. I don't feel as though she will ever be supportive of me, so why have her there at all?

mileybangerz · October 2015

Knottie00267128 said:

Neither of them have bought dresses. Yes, I realize it would be a friendship ending move. I pretty much feel like, after all the drama, I'm ready to not be friends with either of them.

I guess the issue is more the derogatory things she's said about my wedding - insulting my choice in rings and the level of traditionalism that will be included in my wedding. I don't feel as though she will ever be supportive of me, so why have her there at all?

How far out is your wedding?

[Deleted User] · October 2015

If you don't want to be friends with them anymore, drop them as friends. They will naturally not be in your wedding anymore. "Sally, I believe our friendship has run its course. Please don't call me anymore."

KatWAG · October 2015

Knottie00267128 said:

Neither of them have bought dresses. Yes, I realize it would be a friendship ending move. I pretty much feel like, after all the drama, I'm ready to not be friends with either of them.

I guess the issue is more the derogatory things she's said about my wedding - insulting my choice in rings and the level of traditionalism that will be included in my wedding. I don't feel as though she will ever be supportive of me, so why have her there at all?

Or is it really because she ended up getting married before you and "stealing" your spotlight?

Honestly, you sound incredibly childish and petty. BM1 can probably sense all your judgment surrounding her decision to get married.

It sounds like you are doing both of them a favor by ending these "friendships"

TrixieJess · October 2015

Knottie00267128 said:

I'm having trouble deciding how to address two of the girls I had previously asked to be my bridesmaids.

I became engaged at the end of August and asked two of my college friends that I have kept in touch with over the years to be in my wedding. My MOH is a former roommate and isn't part of the problem, thank goodness.

Anyways, pretty shortly after I became engaged, the one bridesmaid decided she was going to marry her boyfriend of 3 months. They went and got a marriage license one day and didn't tell anyone. They were going to have a private ceremony and then do a ring ceremony in a few months, since their license would expire after 60 days. Her private ceremony snowballed into a 50 person, thrown together, semi-formal affair that I ended up doing a lot of last minute projects for her. All in all, she was engaged and married within the course of a month immediately following my engagement. I'm trying not to feel one-upped, but it's difficult.

She has done several hurtful things to me since my engagement, I won't fully elaborate, but she basically disagrees with everything traditional about my wedding, including the fact that my engagement ring is a diamond and she disagrees with the diamond industry.... Now she is upset with me over a regrettably insensitive comment I made at her wedding - I was already at the end of my rope with her. We had a big heart to heart this week over all of the things we have both been feeling and she has basically admitted that she didn't realize I was a sensitive person and that all her comments putting down my wedding were hurting me and that she feels like she hasn't gotten to know me on a deeper than surface level (she has her counseling degree).

So I pretty much feel like this person I thought was a close friend and that I knew on a pretty deep level doesn't know me at all. The trouble with the second bridesmaid is that she follows suit on whatever the first girl does. She's very insecure and codependent. I try to be sensitive to her, but she takes it personally whenever something good happens in my life (I must be looking down at her) or when I take too long to return a text. I've recently gone back to school, am working at a new job, planning a wedding, and going through the home buying process with my fiancé, so it's definitely not personal when I don't stay in close contact for the purpose of chit-chat, but she doesn't understand this and basically thinks I'm a stuck up bitch.

At this point, I'm ready to be done with both of them. I don't think I want them at my wedding, much less by my side as my closest friends, but I don't know how to address this with them.

Thoughts?

Get over it! You get one day, she gets one day. For fuck's sake, how old are you? You all sound like high schoolers.

redoryx · October 2015

Knottie00267128 said:

I'm having trouble deciding how to address two of the girls I had previously asked to be my bridesmaids.

I became engaged at the end of August and asked two of my college friends that I have kept in touch with over the years to be in my wedding. My MOH is a former roommate and isn't part of the problem, thank goodness.

Anyways, pretty shortly after I became engaged, the one bridesmaid decided she was going to marry her boyfriend of 3 months. They went and got a marriage license one day and didn't tell anyone. They were going to have a private ceremony and then do a ring ceremony in a few months, since their license would expire after 60 days. Her private ceremony snowballed into a 50 person, thrown together, semi-formal affair that I ended up doing a lot of last minute projects for her. All in all, she was engaged and married within the course of a month immediately following my engagement. I'm trying not to feel one-upped, but it's difficult.

She has done several hurtful things to me since my engagement, I won't fully elaborate, but she basically disagrees with everything traditional about my wedding, including the fact that my engagement ring is a diamond and she disagrees with the diamond industry.... Now she is upset with me over a regrettably insensitive comment I made at her wedding - I was already at the end of my rope with her. We had a big heart to heart this week over all of the things we have both been feeling and she has basically admitted that she didn't realize I was a sensitive person and that all her comments putting down my wedding were hurting me and that she feels like she hasn't gotten to know me on a deeper than surface level (she has her counseling degree).

So I pretty much feel like this person I thought was a close friend and that I knew on a pretty deep level doesn't know me at all. The trouble with the second bridesmaid is that she follows suit on whatever the first girl does. She's very insecure and codependent. I try to be sensitive to her, but she takes it personally whenever something good happens in my life (I must be looking down at her) or when I take too long to return a text. I've recently gone back to school, am working at a new job, planning a wedding, and going through the home buying process with my fiancé, so it's definitely not personal when I don't stay in close contact for the purpose of chit-chat, but she doesn't understand this and basically thinks I'm a stuck up bitch.

At this point, I'm ready to be done with both of them. I don't think I want them at my wedding, much less by my side as my closest friends, but I don't know how to address this with them.

Thoughts?

What did you say? Because, to be perfectly honest, you're coming off a little judgmental towards your friend. Like that they were only dating for 3 months before getting married and did it all before you. I mean, you went so far as to say that you feel you have been one upped, which is ridiculous because you get one day and so does she and there is no timeline that needs to be met for a wedding, so if she wanted to get married in a simple "non-traditional" affair within a month, more power to her.

Knottie00267128 · October 2015

June 2016

mileybangerz · October 2015

I agree with adk19. However, you just had this heart-to-heart and her wedding was recent. Maybe just let things be for a few weeks. This sounds like a petty knee-jerk reaction, and that you're still upset about her "one-upping" you.

NowIAmSyp · October 2015

mileybangerz said:

adk19. However, you just had this heart-to-heart and her wedding was recent. Maybe just let things be for a few weeks. This sounds like a petty knee-jerk reaction, and that you're still upset about her "one-upping" you.

This.

Knottie00267128 · October 2015

Thanks

It has been really helpful to get outside opinions. Making a huge decision on my super stressed emotions isn't something that I want to do.

justsie · October 2015

Knottie00267128 said:

I'm having trouble deciding how to address two of the girls I had previously asked to be my bridesmaids.

I became engaged at the end of August and asked two of my college friends that I have kept in touch with over the years to be in my wedding. My MOH is a former roommate and isn't part of the problem, thank goodness.

Anyways, pretty shortly after I became engaged, the one bridesmaid decided she was going to marry her boyfriend of 3 months. They went and got a marriage license one day and didn't tell anyone. They were going to have a private ceremony and then do a ring ceremony in a few months, since their license would expire after 60 days. Her private ceremony snowballed into a 50 person, thrown together, semi-formal affair that I ended up doing a lot of last minute projects for her. All in all, she was engaged and married within the course of a month immediately following my engagement. I'm trying not to feel one-upped, but it's difficult.

She has done several hurtful things to me since my engagement, I won't fully elaborate, but she basically disagrees with everything traditional about my wedding, including the fact that my engagement ring is a diamond and she disagrees with the diamond industry.... Now she is upset with me over a regrettably insensitive comment I made at her wedding - I was already at the end of my rope with her. We had a big heart to heart this week over all of the things we have both been feeling and she has basically admitted that she didn't realize I was a sensitive person and that all her comments putting down my wedding were hurting me and that she feels like she hasn't gotten to know me on a deeper than surface level (she has her counseling degree).

So I pretty much feel like this person I thought was a close friend and that I knew on a pretty deep level doesn't know me at all. The trouble with the second bridesmaid is that she follows suit on whatever the first girl does. She's very insecure and codependent. I try to be sensitive to her, but she takes it personally whenever something good happens in my life (I must be looking down at her) or when I take too long to return a text. I've recently gone back to school, am working at a new job, planning a wedding, and going through the home buying process with my fiancé, so it's definitely not personal when I don't stay in close contact for the purpose of chit-chat, but she doesn't understand this and basically thinks I'm a stuck up bitch.

At this point, I'm ready to be done with both of them. I don't think I want them at my wedding, much less by my side as my closest friends, but I don't know how to address this with them.

Thoughts?

Just wanted to point out how much you are dwelling on the fact that she got married quickly and had a specific type of event over how many insulting things she has said about your wedding considering your statement about how you think the crux of the issues is what she has said to you.

mileybangerz · October 2015

Knottie00267128 said:

Thanks It has been really helpful to get outside opinions. Making a huge decision on my super stressed emotions isn't something that I want to do.

Yeah, just lay low for now. Good luck!

JediElizabeth · October 2015

Wow...came in expecting a shit show and found an OP who recognizes underlying problems and is actually trying to focus on the important stuff. Refreshing!

Knottie00267128 · October 2015

Thanks. I definitely realize that some of the things I've done have not been 100% ok. I did apologize to her for that, but can't help feeling hurt still at the same time. So I'm gonna wait it out and see what happens.

KatWAG · October 2015

Knottie00267128 said:

Thanks. I definitely realize that some of the things I've done have not been 100% ok. I did apologize to her for that, but can't help feeling hurt still at the same time. So I'm gonna wait it out and see what happens.

Maybe try getting a drink with her and not talking about either of your engagements/ weddings. And see where it goes.

aurianna · October 2015

Knottie00267128 said:

Neither of them have bought dresses. Yes, I realize it would be a friendship ending move. I pretty much feel like, after all the drama, I'm ready to not be friends with either of them.

I guess the issue is more the derogatory things she's said about my wedding - insulting my choice in rings and the level of traditionalism that will be included in my wedding. I don't feel as though she will ever be supportive of me, so why have her there at all?

I think it's bitchy of her to rag on your diamond. If it ever comes up again I'd say something like, "Friend, this was a gift from my fiance. He wanted to give me something beautiful and rare that he thought would make me happy. It is a beautiful token, is important to me, and I don't want to talk about the diamond industry anymore. It's already been mined and purchased and your trying to make me feel bad about it doesn't serve any purpose at this point. Can we please not discuss this further?"

I would probably stop talking to her about your wedding too much. Clearly she doesn't have anything nice to say. If you don't talk about the wedding you may find that you still have other good things to talk about and the relationship is worth salvaging. Or you may not. But either way I'd take the wedding out of it.
If you want to talk about your wedding and the traditional things you're doing, feel free to talk about it here. We love talking about weddings. And I'm kind of curious what "traditional" elements she has a beef about.

As far as supportive... if you feel like she'll never be supportive of you, ever (like if there's a death in your family, you lose a job, some other tragedy occurs that requires support), then you could be right and it's time to disconnect. But if you're more just concerned that she's not supportive about the wedding, again, I'd try to detach your relationship with her from your wedding. Not everyone is as excited about other people's weddings. Don't talk to her much about the wedding and focus on the rest of your relationship. Once you take off the rose colored wedding glasses, you might have a clearer picture of your relationship with her and where it stands.

PrettyGirlLost · October 2015

Knottie00267128 said:

I'm having trouble deciding how to address two of the girls I had previously asked to be my bridesmaids.

I became engaged at the end of August and asked two of my college friends that I have kept in touch with over the years to be in my wedding. My MOH is a former roommate and isn't part of the problem, thank goodness.

Anyways, pretty shortly after I became engaged, the one bridesmaid decided she was going to marry her boyfriend of 3 months. They went and got a marriage license one day and didn't tell anyone. They were going to have a private ceremony and then do a ring ceremony in a few months, since their license would expire after 60 days. Her private ceremony snowballed into a 50 person, thrown together, semi-formal affair that I ended up doing a lot of last minute projects for her. All in all, she was engaged and married within the course of a month immediately following my engagement. I'm trying not to feel one-upped, but it's difficult.

Oh FFS, did you all just graduate from college? Because it seems very immature and petty to feel "one upped" because a supposed dear friend got married before you. Friends typically feel happy for their friends when something happy and momentous occurs in their lives.

I was with my DH for about 13 years before we got married. Pretty much all of our friends and a large portion of family members got married before us. And none of that mattered in the slightest. We didn't feel "one upped" or jealous or any such nonsense. All we felt was happy for those people. Then we got married, and everyone was happy for us.

She has done several hurtful things to me since my engagement, I won't fully elaborate, but she basically disagrees with everything traditional about my wedding, including the fact that my engagement ring is a diamond and she disagrees with the diamond industry.... Now she is upset with me over a regrettably insensitive comment I made at her wedding - I was already at the end of my rope with her. We had a big heart to heart this week over all of the things we have both been feeling and she has basically admitted that she didn't realize I was a sensitive person and that all her comments putting down my wedding were hurting me and that she feels like she hasn't gotten to know me on a deeper than surface level (she has her counseling degree). And then did she apologize? Because for someone who is a counselor, it sounds like she was just rationalizing and making excuses for her behavior, rather than accepting responsibility for it and apologizing. Did you apologize to her for whatever crap you said at her wedding?

So I pretty much feel like this person I thought was a close friend and that I knew on a pretty deep level doesn't know me at all. Or she is just bullshitting you because she doesn't want to admit she was wrong and just apologize, which is a possibility. Hard to say for sure since we don't know her personally. All you can do is choose to forgive her and move forward with your friendship, or start to let this friendship fade away. But you really can't kick her out of your WP since you already asked her to be in it- that's very petty and will be a friendship ending move.

The trouble with the second bridesmaid is that she follows suit on whatever the first girl does. She's very insecure and codependent. I try to be sensitive to her, but she takes it personally whenever something good happens in my life (I must be looking down at her) or when I take too long to return a text. I've recently gone back to school, am working at a new job, planning a wedding, and going through the home buying process with my fiancé, so it's definitely not personal when I don't stay in close contact for the purpose of chit-chat, but she doesn't understand this and basically thinks I'm a stuck up bitch.

Are you constantly bragging or bringing up all this good stuff that's happening in your life? I doubt it, and it sounds like this girl is just insecure and immature, but just try and be more careful what you say in front of her and how you say it. Maybe make a bit more of an effort to respond to her texts or to initiate texts, and when you do text her just say something like, "Sorry I couldn't get back to you right away! Blah blah blah"

At this point, I'm ready to be done with both of them. I don't think I want them at my wedding, much less by my side as my closest friends, but I don't know how to address this with them.

Thoughts?

If you want to end the friendships, then kicking them out of your WP is a surefire way to go about that. But I thikn you need to really think about whether or not you'd want to maintain friendships with these girls even if you were not getting married. Take your wedding out of it. . . would you try and make it work?

mommysolt · October 2015

aurianna said:

Knottie00267128 said:

Neither of them have bought dresses. Yes, I realize it would be a friendship ending move. I pretty much feel like, after all the drama, I'm ready to not be friends with either of them.

I guess the issue is more the derogatory things she's said about my wedding - insulting my choice in rings and the level of traditionalism that will be included in my wedding. I don't feel as though she will ever be supportive of me, so why have her there at all?

I think it's bitchy of her to rag on your diamond. If it ever comes up again I'd say something like, "Friend, this was a gift from my fiance. He wanted to give me something beautiful and rare that he thought would make me happy. It is a beautiful token, is important to me, and I don't want to talk about the diamond industry anymore. It's already been mined and purchased and your trying to make me feel bad about it doesn't serve any purpose at this point. Can we please not discuss this further?"

I would probably stop talking to her about your wedding too much. Clearly she doesn't have anything nice to say. If you don't talk about the wedding you may find that you still have other good things to talk about and the relationship is worth salvaging. Or you may not. But either way I'd take the wedding out of it.
If you want to talk about your wedding and the traditional things you're doing, feel free to talk about it here. We love talking about weddings. And I'm kind of curious what "traditional" elements she has a beef about.

As far as supportive... if you feel like she'll never be supportive of you, ever (like if there's a death in your family, you lose a job, some other tragedy occurs that requires support), then you could be right and it's time to disconnect. But if you're more just concerned that she's not supportive about the wedding, again, I'd try to detach your relationship with her from your wedding. Not everyone is as excited about other people's weddings. Don't talk to her much about the wedding and focus on the rest of your relationship. Once you take off the rose colored wedding glasses, you might have a clearer picture of your relationship with her and where it stands.

I completely agree that it was pretty bitchy of her to hate on your ring. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, but that doesn't mean you should always voice them. Lol, how rude would it be if your grandmother was trying to show off a pretty bracelet that your grandfather gave her, and all you had to say was, "Diamonds are unethical." Just so unneccessary! It's not like this girl is the one wearing your ring! SMH. I'm sure your ring is beautiful! And if you want to have a traditional wedding, then have a traditional wedding! In the words of Proverbs 9:8, haters gonna hate.

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