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Etiquette

Multiple rounds of thank-yous and sending pictures?

I'd appreciate input on two thank-you note related questions. 

(1) H and I received many gifts before the actual wedding, and I got all of those notes out within 2 weeks of receiving them. However, I know that it's typical to thank guests for attending the wedding (so for example, several friends who didn't bring gifts are still getting notes thanking them for making the trip). Does this mean I should be writing additional thank-yous to anyone we already thanked who then attended the wedding?  

(2) My mother is insisting that we provide copies of specific pictures to specific relatives who were not able to make the wedding with their thank-you notes (or, in one case, with a second thank-you note for the same gift). Is this typical? Am I supposed to be doing this for everyone who didn't make the wedding -- or everyone, period? 


Re: Multiple rounds of thank-yous and sending pictures?

  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    I'd appreciate input on two thank-you note related questions. 

    (1) H and I received many gifts before the actual wedding, and I got all of those notes out within 2 weeks of receiving them. However, I know that it's typical to thank guests for attending the wedding (so for example, several friends who didn't bring gifts are still getting notes thanking them for making the trip). Does this mean I should be writing additional thank-yous to anyone we already thanked who then attended the wedding?  

    (2) My mother is insisting that we provide copies of specific pictures to specific relatives who were not able to make the wedding with their thank-you notes (or, in one case, with a second thank-you note for the same gift). Is this typical? Am I supposed to be doing this for everyone who didn't make the wedding -- or everyone, period? 


    1)  The reception is the thank-you.  There is no need to write a thank-you note to someone who came to the wedding and/or reception unless there was a gift.
    2)  No.  If I were you, I'd let your mom send those pictures. 
    I agree with Miley except if you haven't written thank you notes to the people your Mom wants to send pictures to (assuming they are family or close friends), I would go ahead and include pictures with the thank you notes. It is a nice gesture for people who couldn't attend to whom you are close (if that is the case).
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Ditto PP.  I got married in March and sent out pictures from the wedding in my Christmas cards that year.  If you want to send out pictures, you could do it then, if you send out holiday cards.  Otherwise, I would let your mom send the pictures she wants to sent.
    Blue_Bird
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    1) No, you don't need to send additional thank-you notes. As PPs have said, the reception is itself a thank-you for attending the ceremony.

    2) No, you're not required to send photos to anyone. If you want to (regardless of your mom's opinion, it's a nice but totally optional gesture.
    Blue_Bird
  • Wow, thank you everyone! 

    I don't know where I got the idea about writing the additional thank-yous -- I really thought I had read on these boards somewhere that it was obligatory to thank guests even if they didn't give a gift. I wish I'd known before finishing those other notes! (Not that I mind thanking anyone, but the notes were definitely time-consuming to write and address, and H wasn't really helping). I'm relieved to know that I can draw the line there, though. 

    The photographer took one picture of the entire group (we only had about 75 people in attendance) that I've been included with all of the thank-yous because it seemed nice and was very easy to do. More than that, though, is getting increasingly complicated!

    I'm not particularly close to the relatives she's insisting on -- one actually wasn't supposed to be invited, but she demanded an invitation and so my parents demanded one and unfortunately they gave us money so we had to make room...only she had no intention of attending at all. My mom threw a fit and accused me of being selfish when I was reluctant to chase down specific picture requests for this and another relative, so I wasn't sure if I really was just totally off-base. I probably do have to find pictures for these 2 or 3 relatives (again, my folks did pay for some of the wedding so they probably have the right to insist on that), but it's a relief to know it's not typical to go crazy doing that for everyone on the guest list. 

    Just to make sure I'm covering my bases -- we had several relatives who were invited, did not attend and did not send anything. I don't have any obligation to them as far as thank-yous are concerned, right? 
  • 1.  Just wanted to add to the reasons why you don't send a thank you notes for attending (beyond the reception is a thank you).  A guest thanks you for including them in the party.  This can be a simple thank you, or a through a gift.  You thank them for the gift.  Sending a thank you for attending can be rubbing it in that there wasn't a gift or seem gift grabby. 

    Also, you presumably should be greeting every single guest at your wedding already (either through a receiving line or a table visit) and that also usually involves thanking them for being there or a similar sentiment.  "Oh, Great Aunt Betsy, thank you so much for joining us today.  It's great to see you!"  "Jack and Jill, I'm so glad you were able to make the drive up here."  etc.  If you are doing favors (absolutely not required, by the way), that is also a thank you gift from you to your guests for attending.

    2.  As for pictures, you definitely shouldn't wait for there to be pictures to thank them - thank you cards need to be sent immediately.  I also don't think it's necessary to write them a second thank you card just for pictures.  Truthfully, I've never been that interested in someone's wedding (even my family) that I wanted them to send me a picture of my very own immediately after the wedding.  If we're close enough, but I couldn't attend for some reason, seeing a few pics from their phone the next time we got together was fine or having a few emailed to me was nice, but I didn't need them "to feel included."  It's more just natural curiosity of "how did this big thing turn out" for people I care about.

    If these people are on your holiday card mailing list, you can include a picture then, or since most photographers are shooting digital these days and if you feel like sharing, you can email them the link to the online site once pictures are up.  If it's that important to your mom, she can print out some pictures when all is said and done and mail them out herself.
    poodledoodleoooBlue_Bird
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Wow, thank you everyone! 

    I don't know where I got the idea about writing the additional thank-yous -- I really thought I had read on these boards somewhere that it was obligatory to thank guests even if they didn't give a gift. I wish I'd known before finishing those other notes! (Not that I mind thanking anyone, but the notes were definitely time-consuming to write and address, and H wasn't really helping). I'm relieved to know that I can draw the line there, though. 

    The photographer took one picture of the entire group (we only had about 75 people in attendance) that I've been included with all of the thank-yous because it seemed nice and was very easy to do. More than that, though, is getting increasingly complicated!

    I'm not particularly close to the relatives she's insisting on -- one actually wasn't supposed to be invited, but she demanded an invitation and so my parents demanded one and unfortunately they gave us money so we had to make room...only she had no intention of attending at all. My mom threw a fit and accused me of being selfish when I was reluctant to chase down specific picture requests for this and another relative, so I wasn't sure if I really was just totally off-base. I probably do have to find pictures for these 2 or 3 relatives (again, my folks did pay for some of the wedding so they probably have the right to insist on that), but it's a relief to know it's not typical to go crazy doing that for everyone on the guest list. 

    Just to make sure I'm covering my bases -- we had several relatives who were invited, did not attend and did not send anything. I don't have any obligation to them as far as thank-yous are concerned, right? 

    To the bolded - You have no obligations to send them anything.  Sending them anything at this point, could come off as gift grabby.

    And did your photos come on a CD?  Then burn copies of the discs for your mom and let her handle these other pictures to send out.

    Blue_Bird
  • primafaba15primafaba15 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited October 2015
    jacques27 said:
    1.  Just wanted to add to the reasons why you don't send a thank you notes for attending (beyond the reception is a thank you).  A guest thanks you for including them in the party.  This can be a simple thank you, or a through a gift.  You thank them for the gift.  Sending a thank you for attending can be rubbing it in that there wasn't a gift or seem gift grabby.  

    Oh, YIKES. The bolded had not occurred to me at all. So I really shouldn't send anything?  In one case, the couple made a 36-hour-round-trip to the opposite coast for our wedding (which I know was a big expense for them), which seemed to demand some additional thanks. But I definitely don't want to seem gift-grabby, so maybe I should just hold  onto that one (it's written, stamped, etc., but not yet mailed)...We definitely had a receiving line after the ceremony, and also visited every table at the reception. We did not end up doing favors. 

     
    jacques27 said:
    2.  As for pictures, you definitely shouldn't wait for there to be pictures to thank them - thank you cards need to be sent immediately.  I also don't think it's necessary to write them a second thank you card just for pictures.

    The delay on post-wedding thank yous was, if anything, because we moved right after the wedding and that's kept me from getting them out as soon as I would have liked -- I got the digital pictures pretty quickly. My understanding was that I had 3 months to send notes for anything given at or after the wedding, which I'm within as long I get the notes out very shortly (I really really hope my information was correct on that...if not, I'm sure I'll be chewed out imminently, and deservedly so). They are all done and assembled, just waiting to figure this last piece out. 

    The wedding website is up, but I wasn't sure if it's rude to post it since it's basically suggesting that people buy pictures? I have rights to all of the pictures and will be putting them up on FB, but it seemed rude and likely to irritate relatives to spend any time/fun on doing that when the notes aren't out yet. 

    The insistence on prints seems to be that (a) mom feels this is MY responsibility to get to people, not hers and they are looking for pictures to come from me and (b) some of the relatives do not have computer access.

     But if this is really not just me being selfish, I think I'm just going to put the kibosh on anything that's delaying the notes (and I guess...pull the notes for the folks who didn't give gifts? That's the right thing to do here, right?) 
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    I would rather know my gift was received and be thanked for it then wait for some picture of the wedding to come with it.  Send out thank you notes asap.  Seriously, pictures don't matter.  Family/friends who want to see pictures will ask you for them.  


    image
    mileybangerzAmanderson1290InLoveInQueens
  • primafaba15primafaba15 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited October 2015
    Probably going to end up Stuck in Box, sorry! 

    Potentially unpopular opinion... if someone made a significant sacrifice to come see you and it meant a lot to you, I think a genuine hand-written note may not necessarily be seen as gift-grabby as long as it's worded properly.  I wouldn't send it in wedding-y stationery.  If you can get it in the mail quickly, perhaps get a cute Halloween greeting card and just include in it how much you enjoyed seeing them and how much it meant to you that they took the time and effort to join you for the wedding.


    Okay, so maybe that's an option. I've been hand-writing all of the thank yous on the same stationery that we printed our invitations on -- http://partycity4.scene7.com/is/image/PartyCity/183516?wid=475 (minus the froofy bows, and I've only been using the holder if I'm including pictures). Too wedding-y? I can always rewrite on generic stationery tonight and get it out tomorrow.
    First off, I'm confused ... do you know for a fact that these relatives are looking for pics to come from you?   Or is that something your mom is saying?

    It's something my mom is saying, but I'll say that with the caveat that she says the relatives are contacting her about pictures -- and that this is normal operating procedure in my family. It'd be pretty rare for most of these relatives to contact me directly, period, and those that do call occasionally are passive-aggressive enough that going to mom wondering where their pictures are without a word to me would not be out of character. It's not that she thinks there's an etiquette book saying this should happen, it's that she thinks it is objectively the good-person thing to do and also she just...says things "have" to be done, she's not going to offer explanation, but they must happen. I'm getting better at ignoring that but as I said in my earlier post, sometimes I just can't be 100% sure that she's not right for once! 

    Thank you for the recommended wording -- I'll use some of that, and I'll go ahead and get my notes out as-is. 



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