Is a "Wedding Crasher Invite" appropriate for acquaintances and friends with whom we are not close?

Knottie94657783 · October 2015

My Fiance and I were struggling with the catering costs for the wedding because of the size of our guest list and feeling obligated to invite family over friends. Our wedding planner suggested that we have the stationer create some "Wedding Crasher Invites" that would essentially be an invite to the last third of the wedding festivities (Dance, Live Band, Midnight Snack, Garter Toss/Bouquet Toss and subsidized bar)

We really liked the idea of being able to invite friends that we know loosely or through other friends to the last part of the wedding because we have hired an awesome band, have lots of dance floor space, can afford to buy more midnight snack food. We also know that our older relatives will leave earlier and we can essentially see it as a trade off of people.

But we also see the huge faux pas in etiquette. Essentially telling guests that they are good enough to party with, but not important enough to be invited to the ceremony and dinner reception.

We figured if the wording was done correctly, and we explained that we are not able to accommodate everyone for dinner, but we would love to have them come party with us, and have fun drinking and dancing, and not having to sit through a ceremony, speeches or at a dinner table with strangers and be stuck somewhere all day where they don't know anyone - that they would come join for just the party. With a live band, booze and dancing - its a cheaper night out then a club right?

Am I completely delusion in thinking that our acquaintances (like people on my fiance's hockey team, or my bookclub) would not be offended by this gesture. (To be clear I wouldn't expect gifts or anything else from these folks, just their company and good-natured party attitudes)

Please let me know your constructive thoughts on the matter.

southernbelle0915 · October 2015

Knottie94657783 said:

My Fiance and I were struggling with the catering costs for the wedding because of the size of our guest list and feeling obligated to invite family over friends. Our wedding planner suggested that we have the stationer create some "Wedding Crasher Invites" that would essentially be an invite to the last third of the wedding festivities (Dance, Live Band, Midnight Snack, Garter Toss/Bouquet Toss and subsidized bar)

We really liked the idea of being able to invite friends that we know loosely or through other friends to the last part of the wedding because we have hired an awesome band, have lots of dance floor space, can afford to buy more midnight snack food. We also know that our older relatives will leave earlier and we can essentially see it as a trade off of people.

But we also see the huge faux pas in etiquette. Essentially telling guests that they are good enough to party with, but not important enough to be invited to the ceremony and dinner reception.

We figured if the wording was done correctly, and we explained that we are not able to accommodate everyone for dinner, but we would love to have them come party with us, and have fun drinking and dancing, and not having to sit through a ceremony, speeches or at a dinner table with strangers and be stuck somewhere all day where they don't know anyone - that they would come join for just the party. With a live band, booze and dancing - its a cheaper night out then a club right?

Am I completely delusion in thinking that our acquaintances (like people on my fiance's hockey team, or my bookclub) would not be offended by this gesture. (To be clear I wouldn't expect gifts or anything else from these folks, just their company and good-natured party attitudes)

Please let me know your constructive thoughts on the matter.

This is called a tiered reception and it's incredibly rude. It's basically creating an A list and a B list and then introducing them to each other. And for the B list, its like "Hi, you didn't quite make the cut for us to pay for a meal for you but come after our A list is done eating and bring us a gift".

Your wedding planner is giving you awful advice. Tell her to stick to coordinating the schedule.

Blue_Bird · October 2015

Knottie94657783 said:

My Fiance and I were struggling with the catering costs for the wedding because of the size of our guest list and feeling obligated to invite family over friends. Our wedding planner suggested that we have the stationer create some "Wedding Crasher Invites" that would essentially be an invite to the last third of the wedding festivities (Dance, Live Band, Midnight Snack, Garter Toss/Bouquet Toss and subsidized bar)

We really liked the idea of being able to invite friends that we know loosely or through other friends to the last part of the wedding because we have hired an awesome band, have lots of dance floor space, can afford to buy more midnight snack food. We also know that our older relatives will leave earlier and we can essentially see it as a trade off of people.

But we also see the huge faux pas in etiquette. Essentially telling guests that they are good enough to party with, but not important enough to be invited to the ceremony and dinner reception. Go with your instinct. This is flat-out rude.

We figured if the wording was done correctly, and we explained that we are not able to accommodate everyone for dinner, but we would love to have them come party with us, and have fun drinking and dancing, and not having to sit through a ceremony, speeches or at a dinner table with strangers and be stuck somewhere all day where they don't know anyone - that they would come join for just the party. With a live band, booze and dancing - its a cheaper night out then a club right?

Am I completely delusion in thinking that our acquaintances (like people on my fiance's hockey team, or my bookclub) would not be offended by this gesture. (To be clear I wouldn't expect gifts or anything else from these folks, just their company and good-natured party attitudes) Yes.

Please let me know your constructive thoughts on the matter.

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586 · October 2015

Knottie94657783 said:

My Fiance and I were struggling with the catering costs for the wedding because of the size of our guest list and feeling obligated to invite family over friends. Our wedding planner suggested that we have the stationer create some "Wedding Crasher Invites" that would essentially be an invite to the last third of the wedding festivities (Dance, Live Band, Midnight Snack, Garter Toss/Bouquet Toss and subsidized bar)

We really liked the idea of being able to invite friends that we know loosely or through other friends to the last part of the wedding because we have hired an awesome band, have lots of dance floor space, can afford to buy more midnight snack food. We also know that our older relatives will leave earlier and we can essentially see it as a trade off of people.

But we also see the huge faux pas in etiquette. Essentially telling guests that they are good enough to party with, but not important enough to be invited to the ceremony and dinner reception.

We figured if the wording was done correctly, and we explained that we are not able to accommodate everyone for dinner, but we would love to have them come party with us, and have fun drinking and dancing, and not having to sit through a ceremony, speeches or at a dinner table with strangers and be stuck somewhere all day where they don't know anyone - that they would come join for just the party. With a live band, booze and dancing - its a cheaper night out then a club right?

Am I completely delusion in thinking that our acquaintances (like people on my fiance's hockey team, or my bookclub) would not be offended by this gesture. (To be clear I wouldn't expect gifts or anything else from these folks, just their company and good-natured party attitudes)

Please let me know your constructive thoughts on the matter.

I have never heard of this kind of invite, but it sounds just like a tiered reception. There are several posts regarding this and how it comes off to other people. I'm not sure if you'll get any other kind of response on your own post.

To the bolded: if you only know these people "loosely," then it does not sound like they are really your friends. Acquaintances, but not friends. I have plenty of those, but I don't plan on inviting them to my wedding.

I understand that you're excited about your reception and want to share it with others! However, you will already have guests there to enjoy your time with - guests that you know better than the folks from your book club or your FI's hockey team.

justsie · October 2015

Knottie94657783 said:

My Fiance and I were struggling with the catering costs for the wedding because of the size of our guest list and feeling obligated to invite family over friends. Our wedding planner suggested that we have the stationer create some "Wedding Crasher Invites" that would essentially be an invite to the last third of the wedding festivities (Dance, Live Band, Midnight Snack, Garter Toss/Bouquet Toss and subsidized bar)

We really liked the idea of being able to invite friends that we know loosely or through other friends to the last part of the wedding because we have hired an awesome band, have lots of dance floor space, can afford to buy more midnight snack food. We also know that our older relatives will leave earlier and we can essentially see it as a trade off of people.

But we also see the huge faux pas in etiquette. Essentially telling guests that they are good enough to party with, but not important enough to be invited to the ceremony and dinner reception.

We figured if the wording was done correctly, and we explained that we are not able to accommodate everyone for dinner, but we would love to have them come party with us, and have fun drinking and dancing, and not having to sit through a ceremony, speeches or at a dinner table with strangers and be stuck somewhere all day where they don't know anyone - that they would come join for just the party. With a live band, booze and dancing - its a cheaper night out then a club right?

Am I completely delusion in thinking that our acquaintances (like people on my fiance's hockey team, or my bookclub) would not be offended by this gesture. (To be clear I wouldn't expect gifts or anything else from these folks, just their company and good-natured party attitudes)

Please let me know your constructive thoughts on the matter.

You already answered your own question, really. If YOU see the possibility of this invitation communicating this to them then that's exactly what you are communicating to them.

Who is paying for this wedding? If it is you and your FI you only have to invite who you want to come. The ladies on this board are wonderful at coming up with ways to save money.

CMGragain · October 2015

I can't believe we have another tiered reception bride! I think this is the fourth one this week!

There is no such thing as a wedding-crasher invitation. Everyone who is invited to the reception MUST be invited to the entire reception, not just a part of it. In addition, unless you are having a very private ceremony, they need to be invited to that, too.
Invite whom you want to be at your wedding. No partial invitations! This is horribly rude. Fire your wedding planner, immediately!

monkeysip · October 2015

I like how people give really rude things a new cutesy name to make it not rude. Tiered wedding? NO! It's a "Wedding crasher invite!".

BTW, OP, I'm not talking about you but your wedding coordinator. You sound concerned with etiquette, as you should be. Your wedding coordinator sounds like an idiot.

STARMOON44 · October 2015

You're trying to put lipstick on a pig. This is rude.

Knottie94657783 · October 2015

Thank you Justsie for your CONTRUCTIVE feedback.

We are paying for everything on our own for the wedding, no help. But we do feel obligated to invite family, and we each have quite the compliment of Aunts, Uncles, and cousins.

I've never heard of a tiered reception - so I guess I was not aware of how people felt about them. I can only look at it from my lens - and I actually think it would be really fun to get an invite like this to a wedding reception. Me and my fiance wouldn't be offended at all, and I think that's why we have been considering the possibility. We could both instantly think of people that would fit into this category.

If weddings are supposed to be the events that the bride and groom want to celebrate their marriage, then why do we have to follow all these etiquette rules that don't resonate with us.

Weather its a tiered reception, a wedding crasher invite, an after party invite or whatever else someone wants to call it - why is it so wrong in this day and age?

I've love to hear from somebody who actually did this and can tell me if it was a big deal or not.

Jen4948 · October 2015

Tell your wedding coordinator: "You are advising us to be incredibly rude to those guests not invited to the whole event. We're not going to do that."

photokitty · October 2015

Knottie94657783 said:
Thank you Justsie for your CONTRUCTIVE feedback.

We are paying for everything on our own for the wedding, no help. But we do feel obligated to invite family, and we each have quite the compliment of Aunts, Uncles, and cousins.

I've never heard of a tiered reception - so I guess I was not aware of how people felt about them. I can only look at it from my lens - and I actually think it would be really fun to get an invite like this to a wedding reception. Me and my fiance wouldn't be offended at all, and I think that's why we have been considering the possibility. We could both instantly think of people that would fit into this category.

If weddings are supposed to be the events that the bride and groom want to celebrate their marriage, then why do we have to follow all these etiquette rules that don't resonate with us.
Weather its a tiered reception, a wedding crasher invite, an after party invite or whatever else someone wants to call it - why is it so wrong in this day and age?

I've love to hear from somebody who actually did this and can tell me if it was a big deal or not.

I did not do it, so I can't answer that question. But I can tell you, my feelings would be super hurt to only be invited to the end of the festivities. It being a "cheap night out" wouldn't make up for how crappy I'd feel about being treated like an after thought. I would also feel I had to buy a gift, so it would no longer be a cheap evening.

Receiving an invite like this would have a negative impact on my relationship with the couple. Just bc you wouldn't be offended doesn't mean others won't.

lyndausvi · October 2015

Knottie94657783 said:

Thank you Justsie for your CONTRUCTIVE feedback.

We are paying for everything on our own for the wedding, no help. But we do feel obligated to invite family, and we each have quite the compliment of Aunts, Uncles, and cousins.

I've never heard of a tiered reception - so I guess I was not aware of how people felt about them. I can only look at it from my lens - and I actually think it would be really fun to get an invite like this to a wedding reception. Me and my fiance wouldn't be offended at all, and I think that's why we have been considering the possibility. We could both instantly think of people that would fit into this category.

If weddings are supposed to be the events that the bride and groom want to celebrate their marriage, then why do we have to follow all these etiquette rules that don't resonate with us.
Weather its a tiered reception, a wedding crasher invite, an after party invite or whatever else someone wants to call it - why is it so wrong in this day and age?

I've love to hear from somebody who actually did this and can tell me if it was a big deal or not.

This is an etiquette board. We do not condone poor etiquette, so it's unlikely you will find anyone here that did such a thing and would be willing to share their experience.

It's weird an awkward. Just invite who you can afford. People understand not everyone can be invited. It's life.

MGP · October 2015

Knottie94657783 said:
If weddings are supposed to be the events that the bride and groom want to celebrate their marriage, then why do we have to follow all these etiquette rules that don't resonate with us.
.

Because you don't get to pick and choose what to do based on what "resonates" with you. Unless you want to be a total asshole to your guests. . .

Obviously ranking your guests is horrifically rude and while you may not be offended why take the risk? Figure out what you can afford and host all of your guests equally.

ETA - the only feedback you will find on these boards about tiered hosting is from people who were subject to it and how it negatively affected their relationship with the couple. No success stories here.

downtondiva · October 2015

Trust your instincts and don't do this. People are either invited to the wedding or they're not. If you're not that close to these people, just don't invite them.

jacques27 · October 2015

This feels icky.

I mean, get the compulsion to try something like this to be inclusive, but no. People aren't on pins and needles hoping they get a chance to party with you. It comes off as tiered and if they weren't close enough to be included in the main events, don't toss them a pity invite to the cheaper stuff later on.

Plus, what happens if things get delayed, dinner doesn't start on time or runs longer than expected and you have late night party guests showing up while others are still eating dinner? There's a thread in the vow renewal forum right now about how a woman's pictures kept getting pushed back due to a family health issue, dinner started later than planned and took later than planned for the buffet (and before you say you're having table service, I was at a wedding once where I was the second to last table and it was an hour and half before I got my entree and everyone else was already completely done - it happens). It's rude and a logistical nightmare.

Knottie94657783 · October 2015

I do appreciate the feedback - honestly - and I'm not at all surprised by the responses. I do understand this is an etiquette board - and that's what people want to push - good etiquette. That is admirable. I know everyone here has good intentions and want to protect people form themselves and bad decision making.

I would just like to hear about the flip side of the coin. Perhaps I need to find a board called : "They Said don't it...but"

The band we hired, is amazing and they only cost slightly less than the catering if you can believe it. And because my Fiance is a singer/songwriter - that is the real show piece of the wedding - so of course we want as many people to see the band as possible. It's basically a private concert at the end of the wedding...do that is the true nature of my dilemma - it seems so wrong to not invite people to see the band.

All that being said, your opinions have be heard and I will certainly take it all under advisement.

mileybangerz · October 2015

Have a kick ass concert party another time.

hellohkb · October 2015

Just no. Don't do this.

mileybangerz · October 2015

Knottie94657783 said:
I do appreciate the feedback - honestly - and I'm not at all surprised by the responses. I do understand this is an etiquette board - and that's what people want to push - good etiquette. That is admirable. I know everyone here has good intentions and want to protect people form themselves and bad decision making.

I would just like to hear about the flip side of the coin. Perhaps I need to find a board called : "They Said don't it...but"

The band we hired, is amazing and they only cost slightly less than the catering if you can believe it. And because my Fiance is a singer/songwriter - that is the real show piece of the wedding - so of course we want as many people to see the band as possible. It's basically a private concert at the end of the wedding...do that is the true nature of my dilemma - it seems so wrong to not invite people to see the band.

All that being said, your opinions have be heard and I will certainly take it all under advisement.

Jic

levioosa · October 2015

Super rude. Don't do it. It tiers your guests and tells them they weren't as important as the A-listers. I don't care where I know you from, I'm going to be offended if I show up expected a wedding ceremony and find out I've just been invited to the last part.

CMGragain · October 2015

You really want wording to invite your guests to the last half of your reception? OK!

The pleasure of your company is requested
at the wedding reception of
Bride's Full Name
and
Groom's Full Name
Day, date
You are not important enough to be invited
to our ceremony and dinner reception.
Please arrive no earlier than
eight o'clock for dancing.
Gifts can be left at the door.

How special and included would this make YOU feel? OP, we are trying to stop you from making a terrible mistake in planning your wedding!

CMGragain · October 2015

Knottie94657783 said:

If weddings are supposed to be the events that the bride and groom want to celebrate their marriage, then why do we have to follow all these etiquette rules that don't resonate with us.
Weather its a tiered reception, a wedding crasher invite, an after party invite or whatever else someone wants to call it - why is it so wrong in this day and age?

I've love to hear from somebody who actually did this and can tell me if it was a big deal or not.

Your wedding is NOT an event to celebrate your marriage. Who told you that? Your wedding is the ceremony that legally unites you as a married couple. It can be done almost anywhere, with, or without guests. A wedding requires a couple who wants to be married, an officiant, a license, and legal witnesses. That is all.
Your reception is a party for your guests, not for you. It is a thank you for their coming to witness your marriage. It is not a showcase for your FI's talents. I am a retired professional musician (third generation, actually). NO WAY would I perform either at my own wedding, or at my daughters! Ew! Ick!
When you plan a wedding, first you decide on your budget, then you draw up a guest list. The style and size of your wedding are determined by these two things. You are trying to fit extra guests into a wedding that you have already planned. This is ass-backwards planning. Fire that wedding planner!
You hired a band, but you can't afford to treat your guests properly? What were you thinking? You could have used some of that money to invite more guests and properly host them.

Plan a new party a month after your wedding. Invite people. Have your husband perform. It will not be a part of your wedding (as it shouldn't be!) but your friends can enjoy and you can have your party. No wedding dress!

PS. These rules about proper hosting are not just for weddings. They apply to any party that you are hosting. Treat all of your guests equally.

southernbelle0915 · October 2015

OK what you're saying is that you basically want someone to tell you it's fine because they did it (i.e. validation).

Even if there was a couple who did it and "it was fine", what people are telling you here is that from a guest perspective, it's offensive. Maybe YOU wouldn't be offended. But many people would be. So why risk it? And also, even if you ask guests if they'd be offended, they're likely to smile and say "it's your day" but be super offended. Especially if they aren't close to you.

[Deleted User] · October 2015

Knottie94657783 said:

Thank you Justsie for your CONTRUCTIVE feedback.

We are paying for everything on our own for the wedding, no help. But we do feel obligated to invite family, and we each have quite the compliment of Aunts, Uncles, and cousins.

I've never heard of a tiered reception - so I guess I was not aware of how people felt about them. I can only look at it from my lens - and I actually think it would be really fun to get an invite like this to a wedding reception. Me and my fiance wouldn't be offended at all, and I think that's why we have been considering the possibility. We could both instantly think of people that would fit into this category.

If weddings are supposed to be the events that the bride and groom want to celebrate their marriage, then why do we have to follow all these etiquette rules that don't resonate with us.
Weather its a tiered reception, a wedding crasher invite, an after party invite or whatever else someone wants to call it - why is it so wrong in this day and age?

I've love to hear from somebody who actually did this and can tell me if it was a big deal or not.

I haven't actually done a tiered reception, but FI comes from a culture where it's common. This past week we were invited to the second-tier of FI's good friend from high school, and I can tell you that FI was hurt. We're not going for a couple logistical reasons, but it still wasn't nice for FI even though this is considered normal. Honestly, I would have been quite surprised to be invited to the whole thing, but I would have preferred no invite rather than a shitty one.

It sounds like you're motivated slightly differently than FI friend, and I don't think you're coming from a selfish place. However, consider that even though this is FI's culture, it was still hurtful. How do you think it would be for your second tier guests (assuming you are from the US or Canada) who come from a culture where two-tier guest lists are considered extremely rude?

There are other ways to share this band with your acquaintances during a time that isn't your wedding reception. Are they doing a show in your area or playing somewhere nearby after your wedding? Why not invite everyone out who you couldn't invite to the wedding and have a celebratory drink with them? Buy a round or two and celebrate being a newly married couple.

LondonLisa · October 2015

Knottie94657783, you wanted some feedback, here you go: I went to a wedding like this (although I was invited to the dinner). The dinner ran late, and whilst we were finishing our main course, a bunch of people walked in and kind of awkwardly stood at the bar looking really surprised. It turns out that they were tiered guests. It was terrible, no one wanted to eat in front of these other guests standing around, and these poor other guests were left there looking at what they weren't invited to. People finished, danced for maybe 30 minutes and left. We were friends with one of the tiered couples, and we were all so taken aback by this, our friend group left to go to the pub after they cut the cake. It is still all everyone talks about when talking about that wedding- do you want to be that couple? The Bride and Groom lost a lot of friends that day (fi and I included) for a catalogue of really, really rude behaviour- but the tiered reception was the one that was really unforgivable.

Why dont you just scale back and host a BBQ where everyone is invited? If you aren't willing to scale back to have these people there, that is a great litmus test to see if you really should invite them. If the answer is: I am not willing to give up my evening reception for these people, then the answer is no, you should not be inviting them.

photokitty · October 2015

If the band is going to start late enough to "basically make it it's own event" than why not have it be a separate event? Have an after party concert at a second location. Then you can invite whomever you want as it would no longer be part of the reception.

ILoveBeachMusic · October 2015

It must be because it's Halloween week that all these tiered reception posts are popping up! Don't do this - it is so rude to your guests. Your wedding isn't something to invite your acquaintances to come celebrate with you. People at your wedding should be the people who are important in your and your FI's lives.

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586 · October 2015

^ That is a really good option. Also, hosting a totally separate party a bit later is a great one too. You can still celebrate with the guests you originally wanted to. Everyone has been giving you some good options to consider.

However, taste in music is a pretty personal thing. You are super excited about how awesome this band is, but will everyone be as excited? Will everyone else enjoy their music? Will everyone else want to stand/sit around for however long listening to them play?

If I went to a wedding, I would be too tired after all the festivities, dancing, drinking to want to stay and listen to a band play. I would probably either pass out somewhere or go back to my hotel room.

Liatris2010 · October 2015

You are confusing your wedding with a concert.

Your wedding and reception are one event. The reception is to receive and thank the guests for attending your ceremony.

If you want to host an awesome dance party and showcase a brilliant new musical act, great! Everyone loves a party. But it be a separate event, not-related to your wedding, and the guests should be people you think would enjoy the music, not your families.

It is fine (encouraged even!) to have a kicking band at a wedding. But, if the band is driving you to find etiquette-breaking excuses to invite a bunch of people only for dancing, then it isn't a good fit for the wedding reception.

Also, a "subsidized" bar is not okay. The hosts pay for everything, the guests pay for nothing. Anything else is rude. If open bar is out of your budget, you can offer beer and wine only, or offer only non-alcoholic beverages. Do not ask guests to subsidize the costs of your wedding.

MobKaz · October 2015

Knottie94657783, said, "My Fiance and I were struggling with the catering costs for the wedding because of the size of our guest list and feeling obligated to invite family over friends. Our wedding planner suggested that we have the stationer create some "Wedding Crasher Invites" that would essentially be an invite to the last third of the wedding festivities (Dance, Live Band, Midnight Snack, Garter Toss/Bouquet Toss and subsidized bar)"

Is this your way of saying your bar offerings are complimentary, or that you are paying a partial portion of your bar offerings? If the latter, then you are just piling more rude onto rude.

Knottie94657783, said, "I would just like to hear about the flip side of the coin. Perhaps I need to find a board called : "They Said don't it...but"

That board exists. Check out Wedding Wire for "flip/I'm special" sides of the coin.

monkeysip · October 2015

LondonLisa said:

Why dont you just scale back and host a BBQ where everyone is invited? If you aren't willing to scale back to have these people there, that is a great litmus test to see if you really should invite them. If the answer is: I am not willing to give up my evening reception for these people, then the answer is no, you should not be inviting them.

This is a great point and a good test.

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