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Etiquette

Host Determination/Multiple Hosts (Invitations)

Hi!

I've been scouring the internet for proper etiquette on wording the hosts on invitations for my specific scenario. My parents are paying for most of the wedding, however my fiance and I are contributing money and a lot of time into planning (it's a destination wedding). His parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner. So who technically qualifies as the host(s) and gets listed on the invitations? I don't want people feeling left out nor giving credit when it's not due. Help! 

Re: Host Determination/Multiple Hosts (Invitations)

  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    lvblacken said:
    Hi!

    I've been scouring the internet for proper etiquette on wording the hosts on invitations for my specific scenario. My parents are paying for most of the wedding, however my fiance and I are contributing money and a lot of time into planning (it's a destination wedding). His parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner. So who technically qualifies as the host(s) and gets listed on the invitations? I don't want people feeling left out nor giving credit when it's not due. Help! 
    @cmgragain is the best for this.

    Honestly, the invitation doesn't read "Mom & Dad X are dishing out a bunch of dough for this wedding".  I'm a fan of "together with their parents" personally.
    thisismynickname2
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Who is actually issuing the invitations, receiving the replies, greeting the guests, and making the arrangements for their needs to be attended to? In other words, who are the "point persons" of the wedding? Those are the persons who should be listed on the invitation as the hosts-who's pàying for what has nothing to do with this. Your wedding invitation isn't a playbill or a family tree and while it's an "honor" to receive an invitation to be a guest, it's not an "honor" to be listed in the wording.
    lvblackenSP29
  • My vote on this is the more the merrier and why not just include everyone? While it's perfectly valid to only list the actual hosts who are paying, receiving replies etc. I think it's petty to make the invite some big statement about who contributed how much. My parents paid for basically everything for my wedding but we listed both sets of parents by name on the invite. Why not, when it's such a minor thing to symbolize everyone coming together as one family?
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited October 2015
    Traditionally, it would be this:

    Mr. and Mrs. John Bridesparents
    request the pleasure of your company
    at the marriage of their daughter
    Bride's first middle
    to
    Mr. Groom's Full Name
    Day, date
    time o'clock
    Venue Name
    City, State or Country

    (I am assuming that your parents will be greeting the guests at the reception.  This is part of what the host does)

    The bride and groom never directly take credit on the invitation for hosting their own wedding.  If they are hosting the wedding alone, the language changes so that no host is named.  Your FILS should not be on your wedding invitation, but if there is a written invitation to the rehearsal dinner, their names go on that, and your parents' names do not.
    Others have said that paying is not the same as hosting, but if your parents are paying for most of the wedding, then, yes, they ARE hosting.  If Mom and Dad are paying for the dinner, then they should be listed as hosts.  On the other hand, if they just handed you some cash and said "Use this for your wedding," then that isn't hosting.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    lvblackenSP29
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited October 2015
    My vote on this is the more the merrier and why not just include everyone? While it's perfectly valid to only list the actual hosts who are paying, receiving replies etc. I think it's petty to make the invite some big statement about who contributed how much. My parents paid for basically everything for my wedding but we listed both sets of parents by name on the invite. Why not, when it's such a minor thing to symbolize everyone coming together as one family?
    It is not the end of the world to list all the parents, but the invitation is not a family tree.  It does not symbolize anything.  (That would be the wedding ceremony!)  It is a simple note from the hosts to the guests, telling them, who, what, when and where.  It is not an honor to be on an invitation, but only to receive one.  The invitation also indicates to the guest as to whom they should thank for the lovely evening and invitation to the wedding.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    SP29
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited October 2015

    My vote on this is the more the merrier and why not just include everyone? While it's perfectly valid to only list the actual hosts who are paying, receiving replies etc. I think it's petty to make the invite some big statement about who contributed how much. My parents paid for basically everything for my wedding but we listed both sets of parents by name on the invite. Why not, when it's such a minor thing to symbolize everyone coming together as one family?

    Because part of the function of an invitation is to establish who the "point persons" are for the guests-that is, whose attention they should bring any questions or concerns they have about the wedding to.

    It's not a helpful experience to ask, say, one set of the parents if there will be dishes on the menu tailored to your particular dietary needs or about babysitting options for your kids or whatever, only to be told "You have to ask the bride/the groom/the other parents because we're just on the invitation symbolically."
    CMGragainMGP
  • Thanks everyone! This was really helpful! 
  • emmaaaemmaaa North Carolina mod
    Moderator 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    We used "Together with their families"

    zitiqueenpoodledoodleoooInLoveInQueens
  • I'd do "together with our parents" or similar. My parents paid for about 2/3, we paid for the other 1/3. But it didn't feel right to say "us and the bride's parents" or whatever.

    I think the days of feeling like the invitation is this way to point out who is paying have gone away.

  • My mom paid for a large portion of our wedding, and we paid the rest.  H's parents paid for nothing, not even a rehearsal dinner.  But we still used "Together with their families".  I asked my mom ahead of time how she felt about that since it includes H's family even though they didn't contribute.  She was OK with it.  She also wasn't really a "host" the day of... she's on the shy side so she wasn't interested in going around and greeting people or anything.... H and I were definitely the hosts in the literal sense.  Also the RSVPs came to our house, not hers.

    The rehearsal dinner is a completely separate event so it shouldn't be considered part of the wedding event.
    Married 9.12.15
    image
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    kvruns said:

    I'd do "together with our parents" or similar. My parents paid for about 2/3, we paid for the other 1/3. But it didn't feel right to say "us and the bride's parents" or whatever.

    I think the days of feeling like the invitation is this way to point out who is paying have gone away.

    Those days never existed. Who is paying for what is none of the guests' business. "Together with their parents" can be used if the parents are actually hosts in the sense that they are "point persons" as noted upthread, but it shouldn't be used to "honor" non hosting parents. Parents aren't "hosts" if their sole contributions are financial and they are not acting as "point persons."
    CMGragainredoryxSP29InLoveInQueens
  • Thanks for the explanation CMGragain- makes sense!

    We also did "Together with their families"....

    We paid for most of the wedding, we sent and received the invitations, dealt with food allergies, we set up the hotel block, but my parents were also pretty active the day of welcoming and thanking guests. 
  • I'm so happy someone else asked this question so I could get an actual answer. I have this exact situation, posed the same question to Weddit, and got a couple of rude (and apparently wrong) replies.
    CMGragain
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