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MIA Bridesmaid

mauiwowie9mauiwowie9 member
First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Moms and Maids
I am having a destination wedding in February of 2016. I asked several of the girls invited to my wedding to be my bridesmaids, including Fi's sister, my cousin, and two close friends. They all said they would be thrilled to be in the wedding party and would always talk excitedly about the trip. I tried not to bring the wedding up too often, since I knew a trip to Maui would be a large investment and also made sure to tell everyone not to feel pressured to come and that I was completely understanding if the trip would be too much. Now we are getting closer to the date and have sent out invites. One of the friends who was supposed to be in the wedding has not contacted me at all in the last month, despite previously saying that she was planning to book a ticket and hotel shortly, and has not responded to my multiple calls and texts. Should I assume she can no longer make the trip? I am at a loss, because we typically talk every week or two and I can't understand why she is ignoring me!  
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Re: MIA Bridesmaid

  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    For a wedding February, the earliest you should have sent your invitations is December.  So there's that.  Two, maybe she's embarrassed that she has realized that she can't afford to attend your wedding.  She's freaking out that she can't find the money in her budget and doesn't know how to tell you that while she agreed to be a bridesmaid, she can't go anymore.  She's avoiding you because she doesn't want to hurt you.  So, like PPs said, try to contact her in whatever method you usually use to contact her and tell her that you're sad you haven't heard from her, you miss her, you hope she's doing well and that she'll get in touch soon.  Don't mention your wedding.  She's your Friend first, your bridesmaid second or third or eighth.
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  • jacques27jacques27 member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited October 2015
    Why do you need constant reassurance she is still planning to go? Unless you are paying for the flight and hotel, she can make the arrangements however and whenever is convenient for her without having to update you about it. You asked, she said yes, you gave her the information she needs to make travel arrangements, now let it be.

    Maybe life is busy. Maybe she's dealing with work or family issues. Maybe she's waiting to save up money or get her time off work approved. It doesn't matter*, and shouldn't change anything you do. You've promised her an invitation by virtue of asking her to be in your wedding party, so you must give her an invitation. You invite people because they are who you want to be there, and they accept or decline. You don't just invite people who have already promised to go or revoke a promised invite because you don't know if they'll come.


    *It does matter in the sense that if it is unusual behavior for your friend, then as a friend you should care about them and what is going on in their life without concern about how it affects your wedding. Reach out to your friend, not your bridesmaid.

    ETA: I misread and thought you were saying it was close to when you need to send invites, not that you already sent them. That is ridiculously early to have sent invites and be expecting a response back.
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  • mauiwowie9mauiwowie9 member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment

    Whoops, I guess I figured that since it was a destination wedding I should send out the invites earlier. The RSVP date isn't until December 10th, though. We just thought it might be nice for everyone to have the information a little earlier, since it involves travel for everyone.

    Also, the phone calls and texts I have sent her in the last couple of weeks haven't had anything to do with the wedding, just general how are you, let's hang out messages. I guess I am wondering if I should directly address the issue; like "if you can't make it to the wedding anymore please don't feel bad I totally understand"  or its best to just wait for her to say something regarding it. Based on the feedback, it seems I should just wait to see what she says. Essentially, I just don't want her to feel bad if she can't make it anymore and don't want her to feel like she can't tell me. But I guess there is no way to bring it up without making a lot of assumptions/ making it more awkward.

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    mauiwowie9 said:

    Whoops, I guess I figured that since it was a destination wedding I should send out the invites earlier. The RSVP date isn't until December 10th, though. We just thought it might be nice for everyone to have the information a little earlier, since it involves travel for everyone.

    Also, the phone calls and texts I have sent her in the last couple of weeks haven't had anything to do with the wedding, just general how are you, let's hang out messages. I guess I am wondering if I should directly address the issue; like "if you can't make it to the wedding anymore please don't feel bad I totally understand"  or its best to just wait for her to say something regarding it. Based on the feedback, it seems I should just wait to see what she says. Essentially, I just don't want her to feel bad if she can't make it anymore and don't want her to feel like she can't tell me. But I guess there is no way to bring it up without making a lot of assumptions/ making it more awkward.

    That is what STDs are for.

    Don't directly address the issue.  Just wait and see what she says when she ever contacts you.  I think if you keep asking "are you sure? are you sure?" that could apply undo pressure.  So just give her time, send one last "I just want to make sure that you are okay.  Call me when you can." message and then leave it alone.

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  • lnixon8lnixon8 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I had a bridesmaid who moved to NOLA and couldn't come afford to come home (Maryland) for my wedding. I understand what you're going through. You seem to really want to do the right things: not wanting her to feel anxious about telling you vs. making it seem like you're kicking her out. It's hard. Just try to talk to her about everything NON wedding related and it will come up eventually. When my friend eventually told me we had just finished a 45 minute phone call. She called me back in tears saying she was really upset and afraid to bring it up but she had to "rip the bandaid off". I missed her but we're still just as good of friends as ever. I wish I had the money to pay for her ticket but oh well.


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  • HappyAnjelHappyAnjel member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited October 2015
    As others pointed out, you sent out invites FAR too early... but that aside..

    Leave your friend alone for a while. If she is not texting or calling you back, she might just have other things going on, or frankly just need a break from the wedding talk.. and she might see  your Hey whats up texts as something that's inevitably going to head that direction.

      I was in an out of town wedding and the bride would freak out that if wasn't texting her back within a few hours,and say things like do you even want to be in the wedding?! etc and all those texts started with "hey whats up". I had been dress shopping, helped with invites and STDs, looked at cakes, flowers, menus and whatever else.. But I had other things going on. Not only her wedding, I had two other weddings within a month and a half of hers, One was halfway across country, one my husband was in. I was in the process of buying a new house, started a new job a month before and I have a preschooler (time, love, attention and a months earnings worth of babysitters!), a dog and a husband.

    I understand that your wedding is what you are focused on and it seems like its a super huge stressful deal, but remember that other people have things going on too. If in the end she can't make it, it sucks, but honestly it really isn't going to make much of a difference.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Comment
    Hi, I know that this may be hard for you because you do not want to lose friends over a wedding, especially close friends. If I were you, I would assume that she can't attend and would go with a back up plan. You know this friend better than anyone else, so you would know if she had some type of family emergency or feeling of jealousy etc. Even though that may very well not be the case. If she hasn't responded to phone calls or text's, I would write her a nice letter with a little "thinking of you card". I would be sure that in the letter I would be genuinely concerned about her well being. I would not bring up myself, my plans, or my wedding. If you don't hear back within 10 days or so it is safe to say that she may not be attending. Some people do not express themselves well, or are prideful and embarrassed and do not want to admit that they may not have the funds to invest in your wedding like previously thought. I hope this helps, and I hope you have not lost a friend. If you feel you have, make peace in your heart, and continue to text, leave voicemail's, emails, and/or write letters. Love doesn't give to receive anything in return. Be the BIGGER person. Good Luck on your wedding!!
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Knottie1436140116 said:
    Hi, I know that this may be hard for you because you do not want to lose friends over a wedding, especially close friends. If I were you, I would assume that she can't attend and would go with a back up plan. You know this friend better than anyone else, so you would know if she had some type of family emergency or feeling of jealousy etc. Even though that may very well not be the case. If she hasn't responded to phone calls or text's, I would write her a nice letter with a little "thinking of you card". I would be sure that in the letter I would be genuinely concerned about her well being. I would not bring up myself, my plans, or my wedding. If you don't hear back within 10 days or so it is safe to say that she may not be attending. Some people do not express themselves well, or are prideful and embarrassed and do not want to admit that they may not have the funds to invest in your wedding like previously thought. I hope this helps, and I hope you have not lost a friend. If you feel you have, make peace in your heart, and continue to text, leave voicemail's, emails, and/or write letters. Love doesn't give to receive anything in return. Be the BIGGER person. Good Luck on your wedding!!
    How would her not responding to a "thinking of you" card mean that she is not attending the wedding?

    The only time you can assume that someone is not going to attend your wedding is if the day comes and they are not there.  Up until then, you shouldn't assume anything.

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  • auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited October 2015
    Knottie1436140116 said:
    Hi, I know that this may be hard for you because you do not want to lose friends over a wedding, especially close friends. If I were you, I would assume that she can't attend and would go with a back up plan. You know this friend better than anyone else, so you would know if she had some type of family emergency or feeling of jealousy etc. Even though that may very well not be the case. If she hasn't responded to phone calls or text's, I would write her a nice letter with a little "thinking of you card". I would be sure that in the letter I would be genuinely concerned about her well being. I would not bring up myself, my plans, or my wedding. If you don't hear back within 10 days or so it is safe to say that she may not be attending. Some people do not express themselves well, or are prideful and embarrassed and do not want to admit that they may not have the funds to invest in your wedding like previously thought. I hope this helps, and I hope you have not lost a friend. If you feel you have, make peace in your heart, and continue to text, leave voicemail's, emails, and/or write letters. Love doesn't give to receive anything in return. Be the BIGGER person. Good Luck on your wedding!!

    No, I would wait until your RSVPs are due. If you hear a yes from her then, then you can assume she's coming. If you get a no, you can assume she isn't.
    If you get neither, then you call her a few days before your hard numbers are due, say you haven't gotten her RSVP and were wondering if she was still planning on attending.

    If your wedding isn't until February you probably shouldn't be worrying about her attendance until January.
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  • Knottie52596713Knottie52596713 member
    First Comment
    edited October 2015
    First, I have no idea why people are being so rude about when you decide to send out your invitations. You're right it's a destination wedding I think people may appreciate the heads up!

    It is unusual in this day and age you haven't been able to reach her in a month, especially since y'all usually talk every week. She may be nervous about her budget. I think it's best to be direct. Reach out to her and first say you're worried about her or miss her; something may be going on in her life and she may need you to be there for her. You should also include that you're worried something may have come up and there may be an issue with her attending. Remind her she's your friend first and foremost. I'm sure if their is and issue, such as her budget, she probably feels bad and doesn't want to let you down.
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Knottie52596713 said:
    First, I have no idea why people are being so rude about when you decide to send out your invitations. You're right it's a destination wedding I think people may appreciate the heads up!

    It is unusual in this day and age you haven't been able to reach her in a month, especially since y'all usually talk every week. She may be nervous about her budget. I think it's best to be direct. Reach out to her and first say you're worried about her or miss her; something may be going on in her life and she may need you to be there for her. You should also include that you're worried something may have come up and there may be an issue with her attending. Remind her she's your friend first and foremost. I'm sure if their is and issue, such as her budget, she probably feels bad and doesn't want to let you down.

    First bolded, no one was rude about the invitation timelines.  Standard invitation timelines put them at 6-8 weeks out of an event.  If you need to mail them internationally, putting them in about 10 weeks ahead would be fine.  IF no STDs are being sent, maybe I could see sending DW invites out early, but since OP did send them - everyone on her guest list knows the when and where of the wedding.  So all you are doing, by sending your invites out early, is stressing yourself out when people do not RSVP.

    Next bolded, weddings are just one day in the life of people.  You should ALWAYS consider your friendships and family relations before a wedding.  Asking this MIA BM if she is ok, is what should happen.  To then ask her about the wedding makes it seem like a bait and switch conversation, where the full goal was to put BM on the spot to answer the question about her attendance. Sticking to speaking about friend's life and other non-wedding topics during this time, will hopefully let this BM open up to OP about what is going on.  At any point BM says she cannot attend the wedding, the OP should tell her friend that she understand, still loves her, and will miss her.

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  • mauiwowie9mauiwowie9 member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment

    I think the rudeness factor comes in when people repeatedly say the same thing when it's not really helpful since it's not like I can go back and retrieve the invitations haha. Additionally, for a small destination wedding it is a little different because most people had already told us verbally whether they were coming or not and we are close enough to all the guests to be in regular communication so we knew when they booked their trip, for example, so invites were really just a formality and provided additional details about the event.  But I have lurked on the boards long enough to realize that would be a part of people's replies but that there would be helpful advice as well, haha.


    lnixon8 , your situation sounded similar to mine and its nice to hear your friendship was ultimately unaffected. I am just going to wait it out until she contacts me and then be very understanding if it does turn out she can't come.


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  • suzanne10023suzanne10023 member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    Don't you have any friends in common? Ask your mutual friends if they've heard from her, if she's okay.

    And I don't think it's so terrible to talk about your wedding. It's weird if you don't - that's what's going on in your life. If your bridesmaid is bowing out, you need to know soon: bridesmaids gowns need to be ordered 12-16 weeks in advance if you're going that route. 

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  • thatpreppynerdthatpreppynerd member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    Maggie0829 said:
    mauiwowie9 said:

    I think the rudeness factor comes in when people repeatedly say the same thing when it's not really helpful since it's not like I can go back and retrieve the invitations haha. Additionally, for a small destination wedding it is a little different because most people had already told us verbally whether they were coming or not and we are close enough to all the guests to be in regular communication so we knew when they booked their trip, for example, so invites were really just a formality and provided additional details about the event.  But I have lurked on the boards long enough to realize that would be a part of people's replies but that there would be helpful advice as well, haha.


    lnixon8 , your situation sounded similar to mine and its nice to hear your friendship was ultimately unaffected. I am just going to wait it out until she contacts me and then be very understanding if it does turn out she can't come.


    But lurkers and newbies read these threads too, so it is beneficial for others to point out when things weren't really done properly.

    And sorry, but your situation isn't special or unique.  Invites go out no more then 2 months ahead of time whether you know people booked travel or not.  And seeing as you have lurked on these boards you probably should have known this information.
    As a long time lurker, I can say that the bolded is a true statement.
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  • T19103T19103 member
    First Comment
    Girls!!  Please. Play nice.  First of all, for destination weddings, the invitations (full formal invitations) need to be sent out as early as possible. People need to know everything about the wedding as soon as possible to get time off work, airline tickets, hotel info, babysitters, dates, etc. 

    The advice that you sent out the invitations too early is WRONG.  Just ignore it.  The worse thing is to get a wedding invitation to somewhere far with no time to plan.

    IGNORE ALL THE RUDE COMMENTS!!!
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    T19103 said:

    Girls!!  Please. Play nice.  First of all, for destination weddings, the invitations (full formal invitations) need to be sent out as early as possible. People need to know everything about the wedding as soon as possible to get time off work, airline tickets, hotel info, babysitters, dates, etc. 

    The advice that you sent out the invitations too early is WRONG.  Just ignore it.  The worse thing is to get a wedding invitation to somewhere far with no time to plan.

    IGNORE ALL THE RUDE COMMENTS!!!

    Save the dates and a wedding website would give people all the info they need. But what's past is past.


    Is there any update on your friend @mauiwowie9?
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    T19103 said:
    Girls!!  Please. Play nice.  First of all, for destination weddings, the invitations (full formal invitations) need to be sent out as early as possible. People need to know everything about the wedding as soon as possible to get time off work, airline tickets, hotel info, babysitters, dates, etc. 

    The advice that you sent out the invitations too early is WRONG.  Just ignore it.  The worse thing is to get a wedding invitation to somewhere far with no time to plan.

    IGNORE ALL THE RUDE COMMENTS!!!
    That is the purpose of the STD and the wedding website.  

    No one was rude.  I do wonder how you function in life if you think the people in this thread have been rude.  Most people here gave very good advice about how to handle the MIA BM.  Many people also commented on the timeline of the invitations for the lurkers out there, one of whom popped in to say that lurkers do read threads and not comment!
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  • drunkenwitchdrunkenwitch member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    T19103 said:

    Girls!!  Please. Play nice.  First of all, for destination weddings, the invitations (full formal invitations) need to be sent out as early as possible. People need to know everything about the wedding as soon as possible to get time off work, airline tickets, hotel info, babysitters, dates, etc. 

    The advice that you sent out the invitations too early is WRONG.  Just ignore it.  The worse thing is to get a wedding invitation to somewhere far with no time to plan.

    IGNORE ALL THE RUDE COMMENTS!!!

    Oh Green Goddess on a cracker, when do people stop referring to me as "girl".

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  • HenjealyHenjealy member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    For what it's worth, I think everyone freaking out over "sending invites too early" needs to calm down. Fairly certain it's not yet a felony to send them more than 6 weeks out. 'Save the Dates' are great if you know the date and absolutely nothing else. Otherwise they're an extra cost and more mail that can get lost. Personally, if I'm invited to a wedding far away, and the couple has all the details worked out already, I'd appreciate getting all that info (which comes in an invite) more than a couple months out. Pretty sure your marriage will still be valid, despite the egregious sin of giving people extra notice to plan a trip.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Hey Aunt Sally, I just wanted to let you know that we've booked our wedding.  We're getting married on Island X on the Eleventeenth of Octember next year.  I hope you'll save the date for it and keep a lookout for good deals on flights.  We also have X hotel blocking some discounted rooms for our group if you know you can attend and want to go ahead and book.  We won't be sending out invitations until 8 weeks before the wedding, so I wanted you to have all the necessary pertinent information.  See you at Thanksgiving.
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  • GlamQueenBrideGlamQueenBride member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    In fairness, not everyone wants to have a wedding website. I won't have one. I refuse to for personal reasons. You can do STDs, but you may not have all the details worked out yet. For example, for my wedding, we will have a lot of OOT guests. I'm going to be sending out STDs in a couple of months, but I likely won't have all the logistics worked out yet.

    I don't think there's anything wrong with sending invites more than 8 weeks out so long as you don't require early RSVPs. It's the early RSVP thing that should be the real problem, not when you send out the invite.
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  • mauiwowie9mauiwowie9 member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment

    We are not having a wedding website, part of the lure of having a small destination wedding was that the planning process will not be as cumbersome and my fiancé and I have no desire to set up a website just for the wedding. The RSVP date is less than 6 weeks before the wedding. We live on the east coast, so people know by that point whether they are coming to Maui or not. If lurkers want to know when to send out invites, they can simply search that question and I'm sure the guidelines will be presented to them.

    While some people on these boards have really good, well thought out advice or ideas I think there are a lot more shades of grey that certain posters don't take into account. They see everything as black and white and there is only one way to do things, regardless of the situation. For example, I have seen the same advice presented regardless of who the situation involves. In my opinion, you have a different relationship with, say, your sister than your third cousin. As such, a different approach is needed, even if the issue is identical.

    I don't think I am so "special or unique", but I also don't believe there is just one right way to do things in all circumstances. For a destination wedding, people appreciate the details earlier than for an in-town wedding, in my opinion, because it helps their planning. This is also the feedback I have received from guests. I highly doubt anyone would feel put out or offended by receiving an invite prior to the recommended 6-8 weeks out. It's just not that big of a deal.

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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    mauiwowie9 said:

    We are not having a wedding website, part of the lure of having a small destination wedding was that the planning process will not be as cumbersome and my fiancé and I have no desire to set up a website just for the wedding. The RSVP date is less than 6 weeks before the wedding. We live on the east coast, so people know by that point whether they are coming to Maui or not. If lurkers want to know when to send out invites, they can simply search that question and I'm sure the guidelines will be presented to them.

    While some people on these boards have really good, well thought out advice or ideas I think there are a lot more shades of grey that certain posters don't take into account. They see everything as black and white and there is only one way to do things, regardless of the situation. For example, I have seen the same advice presented regardless of who the situation involves. In my opinion, you have a different relationship with, say, your sister than your third cousin. As such, a different approach is needed, even if the issue is identical.

    I don't think I am so "special or unique", but I also don't believe there is just one right way to do things in all circumstances. For a destination wedding, people appreciate the details earlier than for an in-town wedding, in my opinion, because it helps their planning. This is also the feedback I have received from guests. I highly doubt anyone would feel put out or offended by receiving an invite prior to the recommended 6-8 weeks out. It's just not that big of a deal.

    I'm not offended by receiving an invite early, but I usually am a bit put-out.  Now I have this important piece of paper I have to keep somewhere for 12 weeks or longer so I don't forget times and addresses.  I already bought the freaking flight to Maui, I'm going.  I saved the date and bought a flight and booked a room.  Why do I now have to hold on to this damn piece of paper for four months?  What a hassle!
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