Is a "Wedding Crasher Invite" appropriate for acquaintances and friends with whom we are not close?

SP29 · October 2015

When I was a teenager, I was invited along with H (dating then obviously) to his cousin's wedding. H and his mom, sister and myself were only invited to the dancing portion of the reception. I was never really raised with formal etiquette, so I didn't know why a tiered reception was wrong, but I still knew that it gave me a crappy feeling.

OK OP, take the wedding out of this. At any other event, would you treat your guests differently from one another?Say you are having a bunch of friends over for dinner one night, say 10 friends, at 6pm. Would you then tell another 15 "Hey! Come to our place at 8pm for some snacks and drinks!" the same night?

I would hope not. I can tell you that I'd feel pretty crappy showing up at a house party at 8 to find out half the guests had been there since 6 and just finished dinner.

It's not that I would think, "OMG Suzy and John are terrible people!", I would think, "Why'd you invite me if you didn't want me over for dinner????" and it would make me feel uncomfortable with the other guests.

Would you plan a business meeting and only invite half the participants to the breakfast buffet? A birthday party? A baptism/baby blessing? A wedding is an event like any other. The ceremony IS the wedding and the reception is a thank you to your guests for attending, thus it is not about the bride and the groom having "what works for them", it's about thanking your nearest and dearest friends and family for coming to witness your union. What "works for the B&G" is the decision to elope vs. intimate ceremony vs. ceremony in front of a large number of friends and family vs. destination vs. courthouse vs. alternate venue vs. etc.

Everyone understands that weddings have budgets and you cannot invite everyone. No one, particularly a "loose" acquaintance, is going to be upset that they didn't receive an invite to your wedding.

IMO, weddings are personal events. Yes, some people have large families, and some people enjoy throwing large parties and have the budget for it. But I don't understand why Brides and Grooms feel the need to invite every person they currently say anything more than "Hi!" to, to their wedding.

What if the second tier guests show up and dinner is still going? Sometimes schedules run behind.

Anyone can throw a party for any reason. If what you really want is to have a large party with an awesome band and show off your spouse to all your friends and acquaintances you can do that another time- rent a venue, or have a house party. This doesn't need to happen at your wedding.

PrettyGirlLost · November 2015

T19103 said:

In some countries, this is the norm. You are expected to invite certain people to certain parts of the wedding and no one is offended. I'd be careful with these claims. Just because something is a common practice doesn't mean it's the norm or even culturally accepted. For every person who comes on here claiming thus and such rude thing is common and accepted and the norm in Canada or the UK, there are 10 Canadians/Brits who respond saying that no, thus and such thing is rude and they and their circles find it offensive. In the USA, however, I would not recommend it. Invite everyone to the whole wedding and scale down your festivities.

It is NOT RUDE to invite only close friends/close family to your legal ceremony if you are having a small religious wedding or civil ceremony at a courthouse.
It is NOT RUDE to have a party to celebrate your wedding on a completely different day. To this event you may invite anyone you like even if they were not invited to the wedding. This can be done after you return from your honeymoon. It's not rude, but I find it to be pretentious and totally unnecessary. If I'm not invited to a wedding, oh well, no big deal. Next time I see you I will congratulate you. I don't need to be invited to a celebration of marriage party after the fact. It's not likely I was terribly bummed out about missing your wedding, and if I was this party wouldn't make me feel any better about it.

Knottie94657783 · November 2015

I'd like to address MobKaz's comments:

Yes, I am glad that I have 5 instead of 3 bridespeople that we were planning on. It is great when more people are willing and available to be part of the wedding party and can help you with DIY projects. It takes a lot of effort and time to pull off a wedding and with more hands helping, we can do a great job. I appreciate all my friends and family that are helping in any way. I see nothing wrong with being grateful for that. I'm not sure why you'd personally attack my gratitude to my bridal party or take issue with that. They are fabulous.

I advocated not support for a potluck wedding, but instead that a friend support her bride friend that has chosen a potluck wedding. We all want to be friends with our friends after our weddings. And if my friend chose to have a potluck wedding, I would find it tacky, but I would show up, with my potluck item, and be supportive and maintain my friendship no matter what I personally thought. I'm not about tearing people down for their ideas, budget or lack of desire to have a formal wedding. If the decision is made, then your choices are to attend and go along with it. Or don't attend. And I advocated attending and showing support for the friend on her day, not necessarily the idea. And yes you can support people without supporting all their ideas...the two are not mutually exclusive.

If people want to celebrate their wedding in more than one way - have a small ceremony, then a celebration down the road. If people want to get married at a court house, have a small dinner, then later have an event. If they want to get married aboard, then come home and see their friends for another event. THEN Yes, I think they should be able to , and I have no issue with that. Why begrudge someone their celebration? I'm not a wedding scrooge. Celebrate how you want, in as many pieces as you want, how you want, with who you want.

There are rude people, bride or not...and I think I have the displeasure of responding to someone that I consider to be on that list. If carrying out a personal search on all my posts, twisting them to suit your opinion, and criticizing me in a non constructive or helpful public post isn't rude, i'm not sure what is and i'm not sure you are any authority on it. Perhaps you need to look inside and figure out if what you are doing is actually helpful or coming from a positive place. Conduct yourself with the dignity and kindness that you'd like other people to show back to you. It doesn't matter if you've posted for years or days, providing constructive and positive feedback is what a community Board is all about. Bullying isn't limited to children and it certainly happens online, and i'd be very considerate of how you respond to people. Cyber bullying is an issue and I think you are contributing to it.

Yes, it is my opinion that every couple is entitled to the wedding they want and can reasonable afford. For one big day in their life, they can dream up an event that puts a smile on their face. That honours their love and commitment, and that they can have their compliment of friends, family, co-workers and whoever else there to celebrate it with them. At the basis of weddings that is what I believe. Before we impose any etiquette, or rules, price tags or other. That is what i believe.

And for anyone that is still reading this post. I think you'll be happy to know that me and my fiance took the weekend to look at our options, and have decided against a "Party Crasher Invite". Instead I have picked up more shifts at my third job (yes I work 3 jobs, 1 full time, and 2 part times) in order to be able to pay for the wedding of our dreams where we can host our guests, as CMGragain said - all equally, and all the same.

I would also like to publicly thank her for the beautiful invite wording she sent me. I credit her for saying the best advice in the most simple way, instead of getting into the weeds and making me feel bad about considering an idea that i believe will become a trend as weddings move into the future because vendors mark the price tags on dream days so high. I have 10 months until my wedding and can work harder to provide more for my guests, but I know that not all have this option and I feel for that more difficult choice they have to make and I wouldn't considered myself a better host or person than any bride who does choose a Party Crasher Invite or tiered reception.

photokitty · November 2015

Knottie94657783 said:
I'd like to address MobKaz's comments:

Yes, I am glad that I have 5 instead of 3 bridespeople that we were planning on. It is great when more people are willing and available to be part of the wedding party and can help you with DIY projects. It takes a lot of effort and time to pull off a wedding and with more hands helping, we can do a great job. I appreciate all my friends and family that are helping in any way. I see nothing wrong with being grateful for that. I'm not sure why you'd personally attack my gratitude to my bridal party or take issue with that. They are fabulous.

I advocated not support for a potluck wedding, but instead that a friend support her bride friend that has chosen a potluck wedding. We all want to be friends with our friends after our weddings. And if my friend chose to have a potluck wedding, I would find it tacky, but I would show up, with my potluck item, and be supportive and maintain my friendship no matter what I personally thought. I'm not about tearing people down for their ideas, budget or lack of desire to have a formal wedding. If the decision is made, then your choices are to attend and go along with it. Or don't attend. And I advocated attending and showing support for the friend on her day, not necessarily the idea. And yes you can support people without supporting all their ideas...the two are not mutually exclusive.

If people want to celebrate their wedding in more than one way - have a small ceremony, then a celebration down the road. If people want to get married at a court house, have a small dinner, then later have an event. If they want to get married aboard, then come home and see their friends for another event. THEN Yes, I think they should be able to , and I have no issue with that. Why begrudge someone their celebration? I'm not a wedding scrooge. Celebrate how you want, in as many pieces as you want, how you want, with who you want.

There are rude people, bride or not...and I think I have the displeasure of responding to someone that I consider to be on that list. If carrying out a personal search on all my posts, twisting them to suit your opinion, and criticizing me in a non constructive or helpful public post isn't rude, i'm not sure what is and i'm not sure you are any authority on it. Perhaps you need to look inside and figure out if what you are doing is actually helpful or coming from a positive place. Conduct yourself with the dignity and kindness that you'd like other people to show back to you. It doesn't matter if you've posted for years or days, providing constructive and positive feedback is what a community Board is all about. Bullying isn't limited to children and it certainly happens online, and i'd be very considerate of how you respond to people. Cyber bullying is an issue and I think you are contributing to it.

Yes, it is my opinion that every couple is entitled to the wedding they want and can reasonable afford. For one big day in their life, they can dream up an event that puts a smile on their face. That honours their love and commitment, and that they can have their compliment of friends, family, co-workers and whoever else there to celebrate it with them. At the basis of weddings that is what I believe. Before we impose any etiquette, or rules, price tags or other. That is what i believe.

And for anyone that is still reading this post. I think you'll be happy to know that me and my fiance took the weekend to look at our options, and have decided against a "Party Crasher Invite". Instead I have picked up more shifts at my third job (yes I work 3 jobs, 1 full time, and 2 part times) in order to be able to pay for the wedding of our dreams where we can host our guests, as CMGragain said - all equally, and all the same.

I would also like to publicly thank her for the beautiful invite wording she sent me. I credit her for saying the best advice in the most simple way, instead of getting into the weeds and making me feel bad about considering an idea that i believe will become a trend as weddings move into the future because vendors mark the price tags on dream days so high. I have 10 months until my wedding and can work harder to provide more for my guests, but I know that not all have this option and I feel for that more difficult choice they have to make and I wouldn't considered myself a better host or person than any bride who does choose a Party Crasher Invite or tiered reception.

BINGO!

JediElizabeth · November 2015

Knottie94657783 said:

I'd like to address MobKaz's comments:

Yes, I am glad that I have 5 instead of 3 bridespeople that we were planning on. It is great when more people are willing and available to be part of the wedding party and can help you with DIY projects. It takes a lot of effort and time to pull off a wedding and with more hands helping, we can do a great job. I appreciate all my friends and family that are helping in any way. I see nothing wrong with being grateful for that. I'm not sure why you'd personally attack my gratitude to my bridal party or take issue with that. They are fabulous.

I advocated not support for a potluck wedding, but instead that a friend support her bride friend that has chosen a potluck wedding. We all want to be friends with our friends after our weddings. And if my friend chose to have a potluck wedding, I would find it tacky, but I would show up, with my potluck item, and be supportive and maintain my friendship no matter what I personally thought. I'm not about tearing people down for their ideas, budget or lack of desire to have a formal wedding. If the decision is made, then your choices are to attend and go along with it. Or don't attend. And I advocated attending and showing support for the friend on her day, not necessarily the idea. And yes you can support people without supporting all their ideas...the two are not mutually exclusive.

If people want to celebrate their wedding in more than one way - have a small ceremony, then a celebration down the road. If people want to get married at a court house, have a small dinner, then later have an event. If they want to get married aboard, then come home and see their friends for another event. THEN Yes, I think they should be able to , and I have no issue with that. Why begrudge someone their celebration? I'm not a wedding scrooge. Celebrate how you want, in as many pieces as you want, how you want, with who you want.

There are rude people, bride or not...and I think I have the displeasure of responding to someone that I consider to be on that list. If carrying out a personal search on all my posts, twisting them to suit your opinion, and criticizing me in a non constructive or helpful public post isn't rude, i'm not sure what is and i'm not sure you are any authority on it. Perhaps you need to look inside and figure out if what you are doing is actually helpful or coming from a positive place. Conduct yourself with the dignity and kindness that you'd like other people to show back to you. It doesn't matter if you've posted for years or days, providing constructive and positive feedback is what a community Board is all about. Bullying isn't limited to children and it certainly happens online, and i'd be very considerate of how you respond to people. Cyber bullying is an issue and I think you are contributing to it.

Yes, it is my opinion that every couple is entitled to the wedding they want and can reasonable afford. For one big day in their life, they can dream up an event that puts a smile on their face. That honours their love and commitment, and that they can have their compliment of friends, family, co-workers and whoever else there to celebrate it with them. At the basis of weddings that is what I believe. Before we impose any etiquette, or rules, price tags or other. That is what i believe.

And for anyone that is still reading this post. I think you'll be happy to know that me and my fiance took the weekend to look at our options, and have decided against a "Party Crasher Invite". Instead I have picked up more shifts at my third job (yes I work 3 jobs, 1 full time, and 2 part times) in order to be able to pay for the wedding of our dreams where we can host our guests, as CMGragain said - all equally, and all the same.

I would also like to publicly thank her for the beautiful invite wording she sent me. I credit her for saying the best advice in the most simple way, instead of getting into the weeds and making me feel bad about considering an idea that i believe will become a trend as weddings move into the future because vendors mark the price tags on dream days so high. I have 10 months until my wedding and can work harder to provide more for my guests, but I know that not all have this option and I feel for that more difficult choice they have to make and I wouldn't considered myself a better host or person than any bride who does choose a Party Crasher Invite or tiered reception.

I'm trying to pair this from MobKatz:

"I have to wonder if this post has indeed been a "great exercise" or folly for you. In reading your brief history, you have managed to hit upon every hot button. You were glad you increased the size of your wedding party because it's been helpful to have a larger group of people to assist you with YOUR crafts, shopping, and "logistics". You have advocated for potluck weddings with the disclaimer that it "just needs to be the best darn potluck wedding ever"! PPD's are OK with you because people should not be limited to just one wedding. There is no such thing as rude brides, in your opinion; just a lack of easy going guests. The best and final statement you opine is, "Everyone is ENTITLED" to the wedding they want"!"

With this:

"Cyber bullying is an issue and I think you are contributing to it. "

And it's just not adding up. Cyber bullying is when you put people down, tell them they are a bad person or unworthy, call them names, degrade them, harass them, etc. But telling them that their ideas are wrong or dumb? Pointing out disagreements, or taking issue with opinion stated? Even throwing exact quotes back at someone to make a point that they're wrong? No, that's discussion and debate. That's what we're here for, right?

arrippa · November 2015

Knottie94657783 said:

I'd like to address MobKaz's comments:

Yes, I am glad that I have 5 instead of 3 bridespeople that we were planning on. It is great when more people are willing and available to be part of the wedding party and can help you with DIY projects. It takes a lot of effort and time to pull off a wedding and with more hands helping, we can do a great job. I appreciate all my friends and family that are helping in any way. I see nothing wrong with being grateful for that. I'm not sure why you'd personally attack my gratitude to my bridal party or take issue with that. They are fabulous.

I advocated not support for a potluck wedding, but instead that a friend support her bride friend that has chosen a potluck wedding. We all want to be friends with our friends after our weddings. And if my friend chose to have a potluck wedding, I would find it tacky, but I would show up, with my potluck item, and be supportive and maintain my friendship no matter what I personally thought. I'm not about tearing people down for their ideas, budget or lack of desire to have a formal wedding. If the decision is made, then your choices are to attend and go along with it. Or don't attend. And I advocated attending and showing support for the friend on her day, not necessarily the idea. And yes you can support people without supporting all their ideas...the two are not mutually exclusive.

If people want to celebrate their wedding in more than one way - have a small ceremony, then a celebration down the road. If people want to get married at a court house, have a small dinner, then later have an event. If they want to get married aboard, then come home and see their friends for another event. THEN Yes, I think they should be able to , and I have no issue with that. Why begrudge someone their celebration? I'm not a wedding scrooge. Celebrate how you want, in as many pieces as you want, how you want, with who you want.

There are rude people, bride or not...and I think I have the displeasure of responding to someone that I consider to be on that list. If carrying out a personal search on all my posts, twisting them to suit your opinion, and criticizing me in a non constructive or helpful public post isn't rude, i'm not sure what is and i'm not sure you are any authority on it. Perhaps you need to look inside and figure out if what you are doing is actually helpful or coming from a positive place. Conduct yourself with the dignity and kindness that you'd like other people to show back to you. It doesn't matter if you've posted for years or days, providing constructive and positive feedback is what a community Board is all about. Bullying isn't limited to children and it certainly happens online, and i'd be very considerate of how you respond to people. Cyber bullying is an issue and I think you are contributing to it.

Yes, it is my opinion that every couple is entitled to the wedding they want and can reasonable afford. For one big day in their life, they can dream up an event that puts a smile on their face. That honours their love and commitment, and that they can have their compliment of friends, family, co-workers and whoever else there to celebrate it with them. At the basis of weddings that is what I believe. Before we impose any etiquette, or rules, price tags or other. That is what i believe.

And for anyone that is still reading this post. I think you'll be happy to know that me and my fiance took the weekend to look at our options, and have decided against a "Party Crasher Invite". Instead I have picked up more shifts at my third job (yes I work 3 jobs, 1 full time, and 2 part times) in order to be able to pay for the wedding of our dreams where we can host our guests, as CMGragain said - all equally, and all the same.

I would also like to publicly thank her for the beautiful invite wording she sent me. I credit her for saying the best advice in the most simple way, instead of getting into the weeds and making me feel bad about considering an idea that i believe will become a trend as weddings move into the future because vendors mark the price tags on dream days so high. I have 10 months until my wedding and can work harder to provide more for my guests, but I know that not all have this option and I feel for that more difficult choice they have to make and I wouldn't considered myself a better host or person than any bride who does choose a Party Crasher Invite or tiered reception.

What is Cyberbullying?

Stand up to cyberbullying. Cyberbullying is bullying that takes place using electronic technology. Electronic technology includes devices and equipment such as cell phones, computers, and tablets as well as communication tools including social media sites, text messages, chat, and websites.

Examples of cyberbullying include mean text messages or emails, rumors sent by email or posted on social networking sites, and embarrassing pictures, videos, websites, or fake profiles.

http://www.stopbullying.gov/cyberbullying/what-is-it/index.html

Where exactly is the cyber bullying in these posts? Cyber bullying is NOT blunt responses or not being validated. Just because someone tells you that your idea is rude or tacky does not mean it's cyber bullying.

mileybangerz · November 2015

Knottie94657783

thefanciestbeckler · November 2015

kimmiinthemitten · November 2015

Knottie94657783 said:

I advocated not support for a potluck wedding, but instead that a friend support her bride friend that has chosen a potluck wedding. We all want to be friends with our friends after our weddings. And if my friend chose to have a potluck wedding, I would find it tacky, but I would show up, with my potluck item, and be supportive and maintain my friendship no matter what I personally thought. I'm not about tearing people down for their ideas, budget or lack of desire to have a formal wedding. If the decision is made, then your choices are to attend and go along with it. Or don't attend. And I advocated attending and showing support for the friend on her day, not necessarily the idea. And yes you can support people without supporting all their ideas...the two are not mutually exclusive.

OP, your last post is your viewpoint as a guest. Your original post is about your viewpoint as a host, those are not the same thing.

As a guest, I believe most people forgive rude hosting because of their friendships. For example, I've been to pot luck weddings, tiered receptions, cash bars, dry but okay if you BYOB in the parking lot weddings. I also don't hate PPD's as long as the couple is honest about what they're doing, but after reading a lot of about why people believe they're rude, I understand and respect their viewpoint. Willingness to accept those behaviors, does not make them okay.

When you post here for advice as a host, you receive info as to how to host properly. Not how to host and have your friends forgive you after. It's better for a group of strangers to warn you than to insult your closest friends and families. Disagreement isn't bullying and to call out MobKaz is just crazy, IMO. I can't recall ever reading anything she's said that crossed the line.

TrixieJess · November 2015

Knottie94657783 said:
I'd like to address MobKaz's comments:

Yes, I am glad that I have 5 instead of 3 bridespeople that we were planning on. It is great when more people are willing and available to be part of the wedding party and can help you with DIY projects. It takes a lot of effort and time to pull off a wedding and with more hands helping, we can do a great job. I appreciate all my friends and family that are helping in any way. I see nothing wrong with being grateful for that. I'm not sure why you'd personally attack my gratitude to my bridal party or take issue with that. They are fabulous.

I advocated not support for a potluck wedding, but instead that a friend support her bride friend that has chosen a potluck wedding. We all want to be friends with our friends after our weddings. And if my friend chose to have a potluck wedding, I would find it tacky, but I would show up, with my potluck item, and be supportive and maintain my friendship no matter what I personally thought. I'm not about tearing people down for their ideas, budget or lack of desire to have a formal wedding. If the decision is made, then your choices are to attend and go along with it. Or don't attend. And I advocated attending and showing support for the friend on her day, not necessarily the idea. And yes you can support people without supporting all their ideas...the two are not mutually exclusive.

If people want to celebrate their wedding in more than one way - have a small ceremony, then a celebration down the road. If people want to get married at a court house, have a small dinner, then later have an event. If they want to get married aboard, then come home and see their friends for another event. THEN Yes, I think they should be able to , and I have no issue with that. Why begrudge someone their celebration? I'm not a wedding scrooge. Celebrate how you want, in as many pieces as you want, how you want, with who you want.

There are rude people, bride or not...and I think I have the displeasure of responding to someone that I consider to be on that list. If carrying out a personal search on all my posts, twisting them to suit your opinion, and criticizing me in a non constructive or helpful public post isn't rude, i'm not sure what is and i'm not sure you are any authority on it. Perhaps you need to look inside and figure out if what you are doing is actually helpful or coming from a positive place. Conduct yourself with the dignity and kindness that you'd like other people to show back to you. It doesn't matter if you've posted for years or days, providing constructive and positive feedback is what a community Board is all about. Bullying isn't limited to children and it certainly happens online, and i'd be very considerate of how you respond to people. Cyber bullying is an issue and I think you are contributing to it.

Yes, it is my opinion that every couple is entitled to the wedding they want and can reasonable afford. For one big day in their life, they can dream up an event that puts a smile on their face. That honours their love and commitment, and that they can have their compliment of friends, family, co-workers and whoever else there to celebrate it with them. At the basis of weddings that is what I believe. Before we impose any etiquette, or rules, price tags or other. That is what i believe.

And for anyone that is still reading this post. I think you'll be happy to know that me and my fiance took the weekend to look at our options, and have decided against a "Party Crasher Invite". Instead I have picked up more shifts at my third job (yes I work 3 jobs, 1 full time, and 2 part times) in order to be able to pay for the wedding of our dreams where we can host our guests, as CMGragain said - all equally, and all the same.

I would also like to publicly thank her for the beautiful invite wording she sent me. I credit her for saying the best advice in the most simple way, instead of getting into the weeds and making me feel bad about considering an idea that i believe will become a trend as weddings move into the future because vendors mark the price tags on dream days so high. I have 10 months until my wedding and can work harder to provide more for my guests, but I know that not all have this option and I feel for that more difficult choice they have to make and I wouldn't considered myself a better host or person than any bride who does choose a Party Crasher Invite or tiered reception.

For fuck's sake, you were not cyber bullyed. Please google Gamergate and read all about real cyber bullying.

I'm sick of people tossing out this expression because they got butthurt.

mollybarker11 · November 2015

frenchiekin said:

If they are loose acquaintances and not people you would truly want to witness your wedding, why do you feel such a need to invite them to the last part of the reception and risk offending them? I promise, these people are not going to be let down by not being invited to your wedding. As another PP said, the whole world is not waiting on pins and needles to be invited to your wedding. Everyone knows people need to stop their guest list somewhere. I would actually feel really awkward being invited to the wedding of an acquaintance... weddings to me are more personal than that. I would see it as a gift grab or as the couple just wanting to fill up the party because OMG PARTY. Even worse if I get there and realize I was a second-string guest.

This this this! I'm glad OP and her FI decided against this idea, but for any lurkers: I am from a region where this type of thing is the norm. There's no special name for it, no cutesy invites, it's just called a wedding dance and you get invited by an ad in the paper or a mass email or your friend whose cousin used to work with the best man and heard about it through their manager during yesterday's shift.

Nearly every wedding I've heard of has been structured that way and I still find it weird. I know no gifts are expected. I know it's just a fun night of drinking and dancing and celebrating. I know this is just how it's done here. But that doesn't make it any less awkward for me to get a message from someone I barely know asking me to join them on ~*The Most Special Day Of Their Lives*~ in an overstuffed dance hall.

MobKaz · November 2015

Knottie94657783 said:

I'd like to address MobKaz's comments:

Yes, I am glad that I have 5 instead of 3 bridespeople that we were planning on. It is great when more people are willing and available to be part of the wedding party and can help you with DIY projects. It takes a lot of effort and time to pull off a wedding and with more hands helping, we can do a great job. I appreciate all my friends and family that are helping in any way. I see nothing wrong with being grateful for that. I'm not sure why you'd personally attack my gratitude to my bridal party or take issue with that. They are fabulous.

I advocated not support for a potluck wedding, but instead that a friend support her bride friend that has chosen a potluck wedding. We all want to be friends with our friends after our weddings. And if my friend chose to have a potluck wedding, I would find it tacky, but I would show up, with my potluck item, and be supportive and maintain my friendship no matter what I personally thought. I'm not about tearing people down for their ideas, budget or lack of desire to have a formal wedding. If the decision is made, then your choices are to attend and go along with it. Or don't attend. And I advocated attending and showing support for the friend on her day, not necessarily the idea. And yes you can support people without supporting all their ideas...the two are not mutually exclusive.

If people want to celebrate their wedding in more than one way - have a small ceremony, then a celebration down the road. If people want to get married at a court house, have a small dinner, then later have an event. If they want to get married aboard, then come home and see their friends for another event. THEN Yes, I think they should be able to , and I have no issue with that. Why begrudge someone their celebration? I'm not a wedding scrooge. Celebrate how you want, in as many pieces as you want, how you want, with who you want.

There are rude people, bride or not...and I think I have the displeasure of responding to someone that I consider to be on that list. If carrying out a personal search on all my posts, twisting them to suit your opinion, and criticizing me in a non constructive or helpful public post isn't rude, i'm not sure what is and i'm not sure you are any authority on it. Perhaps you need to look inside and figure out if what you are doing is actually helpful or coming from a positive place. Conduct yourself with the dignity and kindness that you'd like other people to show back to you. It doesn't matter if you've posted for years or days, providing constructive and positive feedback is what a community Board is all about. Bullying isn't limited to children and it certainly happens online, and i'd be very considerate of how you respond to people. Cyber bullying is an issue and I think you are contributing to it.

Yes, it is my opinion that every couple is entitled to the wedding they want and can reasonable afford. For one big day in their life, they can dream up an event that puts a smile on their face. That honours their love and commitment, and that they can have their compliment of friends, family, co-workers and whoever else there to celebrate it with them. At the basis of weddings that is what I believe. Before we impose any etiquette, or rules, price tags or other. That is what i believe.

And for anyone that is still reading this post. I think you'll be happy to know that me and my fiance took the weekend to look at our options, and have decided against a "Party Crasher Invite". Instead I have picked up more shifts at my third job (yes I work 3 jobs, 1 full time, and 2 part times) in order to be able to pay for the wedding of our dreams where we can host our guests, as CMGragain said - all equally, and all the same.

I would also like to publicly thank her for the beautiful invite wording she sent me. I credit her for saying the best advice in the most simple way, instead of getting into the weeds and making me feel bad about considering an idea that i believe will become a trend as weddings move into the future because vendors mark the price tags on dream days so high. I have 10 months until my wedding and can work harder to provide more for my guests, but I know that not all have this option and I feel for that more difficult choice they have to make and I wouldn't considered myself a better host or person than any bride who does choose a Party Crasher Invite or tiered reception.

Addressing "my" comments is a bit ironic, considering the majority of them are direct quotes of yours. Please let me know which of your quotes I "twisted"......and please indicate where in that post I criticized you.

Kindly consider that fact that I did say, "Please". I guess you've already taught me a bit about dignity and kindness, and for that I am most appreciative. I hope you will do the same and point out my twisted and critical words. Because anything else would be, well, bullying.

southernbelle0915 · November 2015

Holy crap Knottie#s...you had a crappy idea that went against etiquette and people told you that.

When people didn't tell you your idea was awesome, you call bullying? Please...

WinstonsGirl · November 2015

I'm just going to start posting this every time another Knottie gets 'bullied'

"Rude vs. Mean vs. Bullying. Defining the Differences". http://www.huffingtonpost.com/signe-whitson/bullying_b_2188819.html

ETA - And I don't think anyone was any of the 3. And I'm sure no one who needs to read this will either

MobKaz · November 2015

kimmiinthemitten said:

Knottie94657783 said:

I advocated not support for a potluck wedding, but instead that a friend support her bride friend that has chosen a potluck wedding. We all want to be friends with our friends after our weddings. And if my friend chose to have a potluck wedding, I would find it tacky, but I would show up, with my potluck item, and be supportive and maintain my friendship no matter what I personally thought. I'm not about tearing people down for their ideas, budget or lack of desire to have a formal wedding. If the decision is made, then your choices are to attend and go along with it. Or don't attend. And I advocated attending and showing support for the friend on her day, not necessarily the idea. And yes you can support people without supporting all their ideas...the two are not mutually exclusive.

OP, your last post is your viewpoint as a guest. Your original post is about your viewpoint as a host, those are not the same thing.

As a guest, I believe most people forgive rude hosting because of their friendships. For example, I've been to pot luck weddings, tiered receptions, cash bars, dry but okay if you BYOB in the parking lot weddings. I also don't hate PPD's as long as the couple is honest about what they're doing, but after reading a lot of about why people believe they're rude, I understand and respect their viewpoint. Willingness to accept those behaviors, does not make them okay.

When you post here for advice as a host, you receive info as to how to host properly. Not how to host and have your friends forgive you after. It's better for a group of strangers to warn you than to insult your closest friends and families. Disagreement isn't bullying and to call out MobKaz is just crazy, IMO. I can't recall ever reading anything she's said that crossed the line.

drunkenwitch · November 2015

I have had it up to my waxed eyebrows with people whining that every comment not validating them is "cyber bullying "

STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT

People, real people have been tormented, victimized and driven to take their own lives by cyber bullying. Throwing that term out when someone on the internet has a different opinion is just as heinous as casually throwing around the word rape. It's an insult to to the true victims who have had their lives actually destroyed.

You my dear, just had some posters disagree with you. Cut the histrionics and educate yourself about what true cyber bullying is.

GlamQueenBride · November 2015

Knottie94657783 said:
I'd like to address MobKaz's comments:

Yes, I am glad that I have 5 instead of 3 bridespeople that we were planning on. It is great when more people are willing and available to be part of the wedding party and can help you with DIY projects. It takes a lot of effort and time to pull off a wedding and with more hands helping, we can do a great job. I appreciate all my friends and family that are helping in any way. I see nothing wrong with being grateful for that. I'm not sure why you'd personally attack my gratitude to my bridal party or take issue with that. They are fabulous.

Everyone else is handling the other parts of your post, so let me just address this part. The problem with this is that you're not Santa and these aren't your little elves. They're your friends. If they offer to help, great! But to make them bridesmaids solely for their help is just plain wrong. I have 7 bridesmaids in my wedding. I expect them to agree on a dress and walk down the aisle. Nothing more, nothing less. Yes, I did announce when I was going dress shopping to them and about 10 other people because we're all girly girls and I said anyone who wanted to come was more than welcome to. A couple of my maids came and a few of my other friends came. No fuss, no foul. I would never expect my maids to plan or decorate my wedding just because they're maids. They're maids because *I* love them, not because I want something from them.

southernbelle0915 · November 2015

drunkenwitch said:
I have had it up to my waxed eyebrows with people whining that every comment not validating them is "cyber bullying "

STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT

People, real people have been tormented, victimized and driven to take their own lives by cyber bullying. Throwing that term out when someone on the internet has a different opinion is just as heinous as casually throwing around the word rape. It's an insult to to the true victims who have had their lives actually destroyed.

You my dear, just had some posters disagree with you. Cut the histrionics and educate yourself about what true cyber bullying is.

So much this. If I weren't on mobile I'd post that standing ovation gif.

MobKaz · November 2015

GlamQueenBride said:

Knottie94657783 said:
I'd like to address MobKaz's comments:

Yes, I am glad that I have 5 instead of 3 bridespeople that we were planning on. It is great when more people are willing and available to be part of the wedding party and can help you with DIY projects. It takes a lot of effort and time to pull off a wedding and with more hands helping, we can do a great job. I appreciate all my friends and family that are helping in any way. I see nothing wrong with being grateful for that. I'm not sure why you'd personally attack my gratitude to my bridal party or take issue with that. They are fabulous.

Everyone else is handling the other parts of your post, so let me just address this part. The problem with this is that you're not Santa and these aren't your little elves. They're your friends. If they offer to help, great! But to make them bridesmaids solely for their help is just plain wrong. I have 7 bridesmaids in my wedding. I expect them to agree on a dress and walk down the aisle. Nothing more, nothing less. Yes, I did announce when I was going dress shopping to them and about 10 other people because we're all girly girls and I said anyone who wanted to come was more than welcome to. A couple of my maids came and a few of my other friends came. No fuss, no foul. I would never expect my maids to plan or decorate my wedding just because they're maids. They're maids because *I* love them, not because I want something from them.

I wanted to point out that in addition to cyberbullying, I was accused of personally attacking her gratitude. Why I have yet to be banned is beyond me!

Liatris2010 · November 2015

arrippa said:

Knottie94657783 said:

I'd like to address MobKaz's comments:

Yes, I am glad that I have 5 instead of 3 bridespeople that we were planning on. It is great when more people are willing and available to be part of the wedding party and can help you with DIY projects. It takes a lot of effort and time to pull off a wedding and with more hands helping, we can do a great job. I appreciate all my friends and family that are helping in any way. I see nothing wrong with being grateful for that. I'm not sure why you'd personally attack my gratitude to my bridal party or take issue with that. They are fabulous.

I advocated not support for a potluck wedding, but instead that a friend support her bride friend that has chosen a potluck wedding. We all want to be friends with our friends after our weddings. And if my friend chose to have a potluck wedding, I would find it tacky, but I would show up, with my potluck item, and be supportive and maintain my friendship no matter what I personally thought. I'm not about tearing people down for their ideas, budget or lack of desire to have a formal wedding. If the decision is made, then your choices are to attend and go along with it. Or don't attend. And I advocated attending and showing support for the friend on her day, not necessarily the idea. And yes you can support people without supporting all their ideas...the two are not mutually exclusive.

If people want to celebrate their wedding in more than one way - have a small ceremony, then a celebration down the road. If people want to get married at a court house, have a small dinner, then later have an event. If they want to get married aboard, then come home and see their friends for another event. THEN Yes, I think they should be able to , and I have no issue with that. Why begrudge someone their celebration? I'm not a wedding scrooge. Celebrate how you want, in as many pieces as you want, how you want, with who you want.

There are rude people, bride or not...and I think I have the displeasure of responding to someone that I consider to be on that list. If carrying out a personal search on all my posts, twisting them to suit your opinion, and criticizing me in a non constructive or helpful public post isn't rude, i'm not sure what is and i'm not sure you are any authority on it. Perhaps you need to look inside and figure out if what you are doing is actually helpful or coming from a positive place. Conduct yourself with the dignity and kindness that you'd like other people to show back to you. It doesn't matter if you've posted for years or days, providing constructive and positive feedback is what a community Board is all about. Bullying isn't limited to children and it certainly happens online, and i'd be very considerate of how you respond to people. Cyber bullying is an issue and I think you are contributing to it.

Yes, it is my opinion that every couple is entitled to the wedding they want and can reasonable afford. For one big day in their life, they can dream up an event that puts a smile on their face. That honours their love and commitment, and that they can have their compliment of friends, family, co-workers and whoever else there to celebrate it with them. At the basis of weddings that is what I believe. Before we impose any etiquette, or rules, price tags or other. That is what i believe.

And for anyone that is still reading this post. I think you'll be happy to know that me and my fiance took the weekend to look at our options, and have decided against a "Party Crasher Invite". Instead I have picked up more shifts at my third job (yes I work 3 jobs, 1 full time, and 2 part times) in order to be able to pay for the wedding of our dreams where we can host our guests, as CMGragain said - all equally, and all the same.

I would also like to publicly thank her for the beautiful invite wording she sent me. I credit her for saying the best advice in the most simple way, instead of getting into the weeds and making me feel bad about considering an idea that i believe will become a trend as weddings move into the future because vendors mark the price tags on dream days so high. I have 10 months until my wedding and can work harder to provide more for my guests, but I know that not all have this option and I feel for that more difficult choice they have to make and I wouldn't considered myself a better host or person than any bride who does choose a Party Crasher Invite or tiered reception.

What is Cyberbullying?
Stand up to cyberbullying. Cyberbullying is bullying that takes place using electronic technology. Electronic technology includes devices and equipment such as cell phones, computers, and tablets as well as communication tools including social media sites, text messages, chat, and websites.
Examples of cyberbullying include mean text messages or emails, rumors sent by email or posted on social networking sites, and embarrassing pictures, videos, websites, or fake profiles.
http://www.stopbullying.gov/cyberbullying/what-is-it/index.html

Where exactly is the cyber bullying in these posts? Cyber bullying is NOT blunt responses or not being validated. Just because someone tells you that your idea is rude or tacky does not mean it's cyber bullying.

I love the article you posted! For the lazy:

Rude: Unintentionally doing something that hurts someone else.
Mean: Intentionally hurting someone else.
Bullying: Intentionally aggressive behavior, repeated over time. Involves imbalance of power.

So a tiered reception is rude if you have no idea it might offend your guests, but mean if you've been warned and do it anyway. Interesting read.

PrettyGirlLost · November 2015

TrixieJess said:

I'd like to address MobKaz's comments:

Yes, I am glad that I have 5 instead of 3 bridespeople that we were planning on. It is great when more people are willing and available to be part of the wedding party and can help you with DIY projects. It takes a lot of effort and time to pull off a wedding and with more hands helping, we can do a great job. I appreciate all my friends and family that are helping in any way. I see nothing wrong with being grateful for that. I'm not sure why you'd personally attack my gratitude to my bridal party or take issue with that. They are fabulous.

I advocated not support for a potluck wedding, but instead that a friend support her bride friend that has chosen a potluck wedding. We all want to be friends with our friends after our weddings. And if my friend chose to have a potluck wedding, I would find it tacky, but I would show up, with my potluck item, and be supportive and maintain my friendship no matter what I personally thought. I'm not about tearing people down for their ideas, budget or lack of desire to have a formal wedding. If the decision is made, then your choices are to attend and go along with it. Or don't attend. And I advocated attending and showing support for the friend on her day, not necessarily the idea. And yes you can support people without supporting all their ideas...the two are not mutually exclusive.

If people want to celebrate their wedding in more than one way - have a small ceremony, then a celebration down the road. If people want to get married at a court house, have a small dinner, then later have an event. If they want to get married aboard, then come home and see their friends for another event. THEN Yes, I think they should be able to , and I have no issue with that. Why begrudge someone their celebration? I'm not a wedding scrooge. Celebrate how you want, in as many pieces as you want, how you want, with who you want.

There are rude people, bride or not...and I think I have the displeasure of responding to someone that I consider to be on that list. If carrying out a personal search on all my posts, twisting them to suit your opinion, and criticizing me in a non constructive or helpful public post isn't rude, i'm not sure what is and i'm not sure you are any authority on it. Perhaps you need to look inside and figure out if what you are doing is actually helpful or coming from a positive place. Conduct yourself with the dignity and kindness that you'd like other people to show back to you. It doesn't matter if you've posted for years or days, providing constructive and positive feedback is what a community Board is all about. Bullying isn't limited to children and it certainly happens online, and i'd be very considerate of how you respond to people. Cyber bullying is an issue and I think you are contributing to it.

Yes, it is my opinion that every couple is entitled to the wedding they want and can reasonable afford. For one big day in their life, they can dream up an event that puts a smile on their face. That honours their love and commitment, and that they can have their compliment of friends, family, co-workers and whoever else there to celebrate it with them. At the basis of weddings that is what I believe. Before we impose any etiquette, or rules, price tags or other. That is what i believe.

And for anyone that is still reading this post. I think you'll be happy to know that me and my fiance took the weekend to look at our options, and have decided against a "Party Crasher Invite". Instead I have picked up more shifts at my third job (yes I work 3 jobs, 1 full time, and 2 part times) in order to be able to pay for the wedding of our dreams where we can host our guests, as CMGragain said - all equally, and all the same.

I would also like to publicly thank her for the beautiful invite wording she sent me. I credit her for saying the best advice in the most simple way, instead of getting into the weeds and making me feel bad about considering an idea that i believe will become a trend as weddings move into the future because vendors mark the price tags on dream days so high. I have 10 months until my wedding and can work harder to provide more for my guests, but I know that not all have this option and I feel for that more difficult choice they have to make and I wouldn't considered myself a better host or person than any bride who does choose a Party Crasher Invite or tiered reception.

For fuck's sake, you were not cyber bullyed. Please google Gamergate and read all about real cyber bullying. I'm sick of people tossing out this expression because they got butthurt.

Yeah, take a walk through Reddit or 4Chan and see the shit that goes on there. Look up "swatting" and "doxxing" and then let us know if the responses here actually compare to those behaviors.

The mother who catfished one of her daughter's classmates and bullied this child online to the point that she killed herself. . . yeah. THAT'S cyberbullying.

AddieCake · November 2015

It's "my fiancé and I," not "me and my fiancé." Or is it bullying to correct you? If so, Holy shit! I'm sitting here grading essays and bullying kids all over the place! I'm a menace.

ryanandjoe4 · November 2015

GlamQueenBride said:

Knottie94657783 said:
I'd like to address MobKaz's comments:

Yes, I am glad that I have 5 instead of 3 bridespeople that we were planning on. It is great when more people are willing and available to be part of the wedding party and can help you with DIY projects. It takes a lot of effort and time to pull off a wedding and with more hands helping, we can do a great job. I appreciate all my friends and family that are helping in any way. I see nothing wrong with being grateful for that. I'm not sure why you'd personally attack my gratitude to my bridal party or take issue with that. They are fabulous.

Everyone else is handling the other parts of your post, so let me just address this part. The problem with this is that you're not Santa and these aren't your little elves. They're your friends. If they offer to help, great! But to make them bridesmaids solely for their help is just plain wrong. I have 7 bridesmaids in my wedding. I expect them to agree on a dress and walk down the aisle. Nothing more, nothing less. Yes, I did announce when I was going dress shopping to them and about 10 other people because we're all girly girls and I said anyone who wanted to come was more than welcome to. A couple of my maids came and a few of my other friends came. No fuss, no foul. I would never expect my maids to plan or decorate my wedding just because they're maids. They're maids because *I* love them, not because I want something from them.

Also DIY stands for Do It Your(damn)self, not see how many people I can get together to do it for me.. lurk around there has been plenty of posts recently of BM complaining of brides saying they had a DIY wedding that the BM "helped' them with when they were slaves drivers with out realizing it. they will not say it to you, but you can bet they will bitch behind your back..

pinkcow13 · November 2015

I did some DIY stuff for my wedding, including all the bouquets. Guess who worked on it? Myself, with some help from my now husband. Yes, my friends and MIL offered to help, but I preferred not to take them up on it (this was my personal choice, just didn't feel like having to host people to be honest for these things I could do myself over wine). It sounds like you changed from having 3 to 5 bridesmaids just so that you would be justified in having these additional 2 friends help out with your wedding stuff. That's not cool.

I'm glad you at least changed your mind about this wedding crasher invitation thing. This isn't a Will Ferrell movie, it's your wedding day.

Knottie94657783 · November 2015

Ladies,

I feel like this thread has become pretty unproductive.

I'm fine with opinions, I like the critique of ideas, but as I said in my last post I think we are here to criticize ideas, not people. I perhaps was mistaken in thinking that a community was about support. Not support of an idea, not a search for validation of every possibility, but of a person and the fact that they are undertaking a huge step in their life and require the advice or expertise of people who have experience in such undertakings.

Support in simple terms, is not what you do, or what you say - it's how you make someone feel. And I can honestly say that this has made me feel awful. My comments have been taken out of context (Even a direct quote, taken out of context doesn't say the whole story), people who don't know me have assumed terrible things about me (the latest of which is that my bridal party increased because I wanted slave labour for my DIY projects. Which simply isn't true. But nobody stopped to ask what was true, or why the bridal party increased). This forum provides very little in the way of benefit of the doubt.

I took issue with MobKaz's comments because the post had no discernible goal other than to criticize me. It didn't offer a fresh perspective, it didn't relate to the original post of "Wedding Crasher Invites", it didn't offer advice. There wasn't even an opinion other than purporting the idea that I didn't actually learn anything from the posting, which certain I did.

When someone takes time to read all your posts, chooses some quotes, paraphrase your words and take it all out of context, and throw it in your face to make you look stupid, they are likely not interested in helping, they just want to humiliate you. And I take issue with that, and I do feel that purposely trying to humiliate someone online is within the cyber-bully realm. Yes, there are certainly more terrible instances of cyber bullying, but that doesn't mean that because its mild, it's okay. I'm not whining, I'm pointing out behavior that I think is unacceptable and unappreciated. I have no issue standing up for myself and doing it in an articulate way. I don't have to accept treatment that I find diminishing, even when most posters seem to.

I have nothing left to say to MobKaz, I think my last post was well stated and I don't intend on engaging in a verbal pistol fight with someone that I don't hold in high regard. It would be a waste of both our time. I also don't intend to cower away from the "community" posting boards, because of one foul experience. There are great people, who do give good advice and I encountered a few of them and appreciate that. Every post is a fresh post, and I would hope that Knotties could bring their most constructive/helpful A game to every response they give.

My Bambi attitude (if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all) might be regarded as too nice for the cut throat Etiquette Board, but that's okay as this has truly been a learning experience. If this Board has prepared me for anything, it has prepared for handling potential criticism of my actual wedding, and how to look that critic in the face and smile.

JediElizabeth · November 2015

Knottie94657783 said:

Ladies,

I feel like this thread has become pretty unproductive.

I'm fine with opinions, I like the critique of ideas, but as I said in my last post I think we are here to criticize ideas, not people. I perhaps was mistaken in thinking that a community was about support. Not support of an idea, not a search for validation of every possibility, but of a person and the fact that they are undertaking a huge step in their life and require the advice or expertise of people who have experience in such undertakings.

Support in simple terms, is not what you do, or what you say - it's how you make someone feel. And I can honestly say that this has made me feel awful. My comments have been taken out of context (Even a direct quote, taken out of context doesn't say the whole story), people who don't know me have assumed terrible things about me (the latest of which is that my bridal party increased because I wanted slave labour for my DIY projects. Which simply isn't true. But nobody stopped to ask what was true, or why the bridal party increased). This forum provides very little in the way of benefit of the doubt.

I took issue with MobKaz's comments because the post had no discernible goal other than to criticize me. It didn't offer a fresh perspective, it didn't relate to the original post of "Wedding Crasher Invites", it didn't offer advice. There wasn't even an opinion other than purporting the idea that I didn't actually learn anything from the posting, which certain I did.

When someone takes time to read all your posts, chooses some quotes, paraphrase your words and take it all out of context, and throw it in your face to make you look stupid, they are likely not interested in helping, they just want to humiliate you. And I take issue with that, and I do feel that purposely trying to humiliate someone online is within the cyber-bully realm. Yes, there are certainly more terrible instances of cyber bullying, but that doesn't mean that because its mild, it's okay. I'm not whining, I'm pointing out behavior that I think is unacceptable and unappreciated. I have no issue standing up for myself and doing it in an articulate way. I don't have to accept treatment that I find diminishing, even when most posters seem to.

I have nothing left to say to MobKaz, I think my last post was well stated and I don't intend on engaging in a verbal pistol fight with someone that I don't hold in high regard. It would be a waste of both our time. I also don't intend to cower away from the "community" posting boards, because of one foul experience. There are great people, who do give good advice and I encountered a few of them and appreciate that. Every post is a fresh post, and I would hope that Knotties could bring their most constructive/helpful A game to every response they give.

My Bambi attitude (if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all) might be regarded as too nice for the cut throat Etiquette Board, but that's okay as this has truly been a learning experience. If this Board has prepared me for anything, it has prepared for handling potential criticism of my actual wedding, and how to look that critic in the face and smile.

I think you need to learn how to deal with internet strangers before you ask for advice from them. You clearly do not, and seem to have no concept of the difference between "what people will tolerate" and etiquette. When people give you etiquette advice, it will not be based off the former, which is what you seemed to want to hear.

You should also think about how things sound when typed. The bolded? They come off as patronizing, immature, and snarky, in that order. Nothing wrong with some snark, but I'm pretty sure you didn't mean the first two. And yet, you still sound like a child who's trying to backtrack. (Note how I said "sound" and not "are" - that's the cues you seem to be missing many times when someone critiques an idea of yours.)

Writing a long note in which you say how you don't hold someone in regard, and how this board is cutthroat is not the way to not engage. Telling others that they are being unproductive, after sparking an interesting discussion about cyber-bullying is even worse. You're adding fuel to the fire.

Some critical thinking on what you have to say and how people respond to it from another stranger and in type would probably go a long way in alleviating these communication issues for you, if you decide to stay on online forums.

MobKaz · November 2015

Knottie94657783 said:

Ladies,

I feel like this thread has become pretty unproductive.

I'm fine with opinions, I like the critique of ideas, but as I said in my last post I think we are here to criticize ideas, not people. I perhaps was mistaken in thinking that a community was about support. Not support of an idea, not a search for validation of every possibility, but of a person and the fact that they are undertaking a huge step in their life and require the advice or expertise of people who have experience in such undertakings.

Support in simple terms, is not what you do, or what you say - it's how you make someone feel. And I can honestly say that this has made me feel awful. My comments have been taken out of context (Even a direct quote, taken out of context doesn't say the whole story), people who don't know me have assumed terrible things about me (the latest of which is that my bridal party increased because I wanted slave labour for my DIY projects. Which simply isn't true. But nobody stopped to ask what was true, or why the bridal party increased). This forum provides very little in the way of benefit of the doubt.

I took issue with MobKaz's comments because the post had no discernible goal other than to criticize me. It didn't offer a fresh perspective, it didn't relate to the original post of "Wedding Crasher Invites", it didn't offer advice. There wasn't even an opinion other than purporting the idea that I didn't actually learn anything from the posting, which certain I did.

When someone takes time to read all your posts, chooses some quotes, paraphrase your words and take it all out of context, and throw it in your face to make you look stupid, they are likely not interested in helping, they just want to humiliate you. And I take issue with that, and I do feel that purposely trying to humiliate someone online is within the cyber-bully realm. Yes, there are certainly more terrible instances of cyber bullying, but that doesn't mean that because its mild, it's okay. I'm not whining, I'm pointing out behavior that I think is unacceptable and unappreciated. I have no issue standing up for myself and doing it in an articulate way. I don't have to accept treatment that I find diminishing, even when most posters seem to.

I have nothing left to say to MobKaz, I think my last post was well stated and I don't intend on engaging in a verbal pistol fight with someone that I don't hold in high regard. It would be a waste of both our time. I also don't intend to cower away from the "community" posting boards, because of one foul experience. There are great people, who do give good advice and I encountered a few of them and appreciate that. Every post is a fresh post, and I would hope that Knotties could bring their most constructive/helpful A game to every response they give.

My Bambi attitude (if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all) might be regarded as too nice for the cut throat Etiquette Board, but that's okay as this has truly been a learning experience. If this Board has prepared me for anything, it has prepared for handling potential criticism of my actual wedding, and how to look that critic in the face and smile.

Posters can only respond to the text at hand. If the OP offers partial or inadequate information, then the onus is on the OP to clarify.

YOU said that you wanted to hear about "the flip side of the coin". You said you wanted to hear opinions regarding the attitude promoting, "They said don't......but". With those words, you were seeking anti-etiquette advice on The Etiquette Board. You made this comment after seeking validation for an incredibly rude tiered reception. Further in this thread, you continued to write posts that pushed "hot button boundaries", such as prioritizing a band over properly hosting your guests. You commented that your priority was a concert over your ceremony. YOUR words diminished your ceremony and glorified the "concert portion" of your program.

YOU referred to your post as an exercise. It had, in fact, seemed a bit like "Troll Week" on the Etiquette Board, with multiple posts being created about tiered receptions. I sought out your PP's in an attempt to determine the sincerity behind your OP. Your PP's read as a "Who's Who" of hot topic buttons.

Your vocabulary has been unnecessarily exaggerated. There has been no "personal attack" of your gratitude or anything else. NO cyberbullying has occurred. I ask you again to point out posts in which I criticized you or twisted YOUR words. It is impolite to tell people what to post or how to phrase their words in their posts. I am not sure where you found the "definition" of a community board, but it is NOT restricted to "providing constructive and positive feedback".

I am not sure why you chose to single me out, and I don't really care. The "goal" in my initial post was to determine your sincerity versus a time wasting troll. (You do realize that not all posts/comments will necessarily have a goal, right?) Again, I would appreciate if you would point out the exact words/post in which I criticized you. Your post history is short, which is why I also questioned your sincerity. Your words were not paraphrased, and they were not taken out of context.

I think the "issue" is that you are simply not ready for the internet, particularly if you consider MY posts unacceptable. Your perspective is clearly narrow in scope. This board is hardly "cut throat", nor did you experience any "attack" or "bullying".

If you no longer wish to engage in "pistol fights" or have your time wasted, I encourage you to learn a bit more regarding posting. Spend some time searching for features such as "ignore" and "block". How's that for positive and constructive feedback?

Heffalump · November 2015

Knottie94657783 said:

I perhaps was mistaken in thinking that a community was about support. Not support of an idea, not a search for validation of every possibility, but of a person and the fact that they are undertaking a huge step in their life and require the advice or expertise of people who have experience in such undertakings.

Jeebus, you're planning a party. A PARTY. Get over it.

Knottie94657783 said:

My Bambi attitude (if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all)

That was Thumper, not Bambi.

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/90/b9/fd/90b9fd431673c1781f0d61947aef4f45.jpg

banana468 · November 2015

I don't understand the desire to request, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all," on an internet forum.

Yes, that mentality makes sense when any voiced complaint can't be changed. Guests shouldn't tell you the day after your wedding that their meat was overcooked or that there were spots on their champagne flutes or that their seat was drafty.

But when you tell a group of strangers that you prioritized your entertainment and want to ask people to attend your reception after the meal is over because the entertainment should be awesome you've opened the door to criticism.

This forum IS supporting you. Telling you that some of the choices you want to make are incredibly poor etiquette and will be viewed poorly by those you may be affecting is helping to guide you away from making a bad decision.

Sometimes advice can be abrupt - especially for such an emotionally-charged event as a wedding. But don't you want to look back on your wedding as the day that was fabulous and not as the day that you alienated a ton of your friends and family?

kimmiinthemitten · November 2015

Knottie94657783 said:

Ladies,

I feel like this thread has become pretty unproductive.

I'm fine with opinions, I like the critique of ideas, but as I said in my last post I think we are here to criticize ideas, not people. I perhaps was mistaken in thinking that a community was about support. Not support of an idea, not a search for validation of every possibility, but of a person and the fact that they are undertaking a huge step in their life and require the advice or expertise of people who have experience in such undertakings.

Support in simple terms, is not what you do, or what you say - it's how you make someone feel. And I can honestly say that this has made me feel awful. My comments have been taken out of context (Even a direct quote, taken out of context doesn't say the whole story), people who don't know me have assumed terrible things about me (the latest of which is that my bridal party increased because I wanted slave labour for my DIY projects. Which simply isn't true. But nobody stopped to ask what was true, or why the bridal party increased). This forum provides very little in the way of benefit of the doubt.

I took issue with MobKaz's comments because the post had no discernible goal other than to criticize me. It didn't offer a fresh perspective, it didn't relate to the original post of "Wedding Crasher Invites", it didn't offer advice. There wasn't even an opinion other than purporting the idea that I didn't actually learn anything from the posting, which certain I did.

When someone takes time to read all your posts, chooses some quotes, paraphrase your words and take it all out of context, and throw it in your face to make you look stupid, they are likely not interested in helping, they just want to humiliate you. And I take issue with that, and I do feel that purposely trying to humiliate someone online is within the cyber-bully realm. Yes, there are certainly more terrible instances of cyber bullying, but that doesn't mean that because its mild, it's okay. I'm not whining, I'm pointing out behavior that I think is unacceptable and unappreciated. I have no issue standing up for myself and doing it in an articulate way. I don't have to accept treatment that I find diminishing, even when most posters seem to.

I have nothing left to say to MobKaz, I think my last post was well stated and I don't intend on engaging in a verbal pistol fight with someone that I don't hold in high regard. It would be a waste of both our time. I also don't intend to cower away from the "community" posting boards, because of one foul experience. There are great people, who do give good advice and I encountered a few of them and appreciate that. Every post is a fresh post, and I would hope that Knotties could bring their most constructive/helpful A game to every response they give.

My Bambi attitude (if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all) might be regarded as too nice for the cut throat Etiquette Board, but that's okay as this has truly been a learning experience. If this Board has prepared me for anything, it has prepared for handling potential criticism of my actual wedding, and how to look that critic in the face and smile.

My other online community is Naranon, and as such the bolded made me LOL, literally. We hear new posters say something to that affect all the time. I can't control you, your emotions, or your reactions. Only you can. You chose to let comments affect you. And even further, of all of the responses who told you you had a bad idea, you picked and chose which were offensive. It may hurt someone's feelings to hear they enable their addict by giving them money, a place to live, and food; but it's still the truth. And more often than not, the person who took offense did so defensively because they know the 'offender' is right.

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