@helloliv You absolutely DO deserve to be happy! I don't know all of the details around what's going on with T, but I think in the end you'll be happy with your choice to move on. It's SO HARD. It was 100% a surprise blow to the face when I found out my ex had been cheating on me for quite some time, and I had a really really hard time processing it. I think it took me another 2 months after I found out about his first extracurricular activities that I recognized he wasn't going to change, that I was in a horrible place mentally, and that I absolutely needed to get out. It was seriously the best decision I ever made once I finally brought myself to do it (I even nearly turned around and went back when I was halfway home). Anyway, I just want to give you big hugs!
I also don't understand Twitter and I deleted my account.
Also also, I would never say anything about shitty beer at a party, but I wouldn't drink it either. It tastes like I imagine pee tastes.
re: Name changing - H and I did have a conversation about it pre-marriage. I expressed some doubts about wanting to change my name and H's feelings were really hurt by it. So I guess I'm less than eager to bring it up again. It was pretty important to him and at the time I guess I felt ambivalent about the change. I think it was definitely what @TwoDimes said where you don't really know how it's going to feel until you do it.
I had zero qualms about changing my name. In fact, I couldn't WAIT to change my name. I kind of feel like because my dad adopted me and wanted me to have his last name, I should have felt more attachment to it, but I really didn't.
Which leads me to a UO: I hate it when someone talks about a marriage/relationship problem and everyone is all "OMG marriage is HARD." or "any rational person has a little bit of a freakout before they get married." or "EVERYONE has these kinds of problems."
I didn't freak out for one second before I got married. MY "freak out" consisted of "Holy shit, I get to marry this guy. HE wants to marry ME." My marriage isn't hard. It's work, of course, and it isn't always EASY, but the good times outweigh the bad, by the overwhelming majority. I get that sometimes, people just want to make other people feel better about their issues, but it makes me feel like a weirdo because we DON'T have these issues.
@TwoDimes I actually got my whooping cough vaccine as a part of my last regular tetanus shot. I think if you'd had a tetanus shot in the last 5 years it definitely included the whooping cough vaccine as a part of it.
I also love traditional Christmas music and hate the more modern stuff.
@helloliv - I pressed love it on your post because of the beer stuff. Relationship-wise, I think most people have been in your position. Ending a relationship is a hard decision to make, especially when you have all the good memories. I'm sorry that T isn't the person you thought he was.
@cu97tiger - We had to board our dog for Christmas last year because he wasn't invited to BF's parents' house. It sucked not spending the holiday with him, but I think he had more fun where he went than he would have had with us, especially since I would have had to constantly keep an eye on him. It still bummed me out a ton though. The only thing that made it better was remembering that he has no idea it's actually Christmas on the 25th, so we celebrated with him and gave him treats and presents as soon as we were all home together!
@GoldenPenguin - I almost never drink anymore for the exact reasoning you talked about, haha!
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Confession - I think @untouchablets is super gorgeous. And she just needs to know that.
Rant - Fucking stay home from work if you're sick, CHARLES! If you're gonna have 5 kids going to school and coming home drenched in germs, you've gotta be prepared to take a shit ton of sick leave. I shouldn't have to suffer!
UO - People on here are complaining about Christmas and such, but I'm already SO SICK of hearing about the new Star Wars movie. Probably because I work with a ton of nerds. Others may not have this problem.
@TwoDimes - Last week, my coworker had one of those dixie cup ice things that come with the little wooden spoon and it was completely frozen so she spent -- I shit you not -- 30 minutes scraping the fucking thing. It's a miracle I didn't become homicidal that day.
@twodimes I agree on the Christmas songs. I prefer the traditional songs, sung by original singer, not updated pop versions.
Confession: I totally forgot we spend some money after Christmas buying tons of decorations for the house inside and out for the holidays. I can't wait to put up those new decorations. ETA; As excited as I am I won't put them up until after Thanksgiving though.
UO: I don't get the "I have to spend the holiday with my pets." They're animals. They don't know Christmas from any other random Tuesday. I love my pets (overwhelmingly so, like, sometimes I don't know if it's normal) but I haven't spent Christmas with the cat since I adopted him, and I haven't once missed him SPECIFICALLY because it was Christmas. I actually can totally understand not wanting to have dogs at a huge, hectic family event, where there could be destruction happening at any moment.
@labro - I just want to second again the hate for the quote trees! It's so ridiculous, especially on some of the other boards (Chit Chat especially)
@jenjen047 - Holy shit, what are these $2200 invitations? Is she inviting a ton of people or something I don't understand how you could spend that much even if you wanted to! The invitations I currently like would cost us around $200! Also our wedding will only offer craft beers options for beer sorry not sorry.
@labro - Is changing back to your maiden name or adding a hyphen an option? I don't know much about name change requirements but if you are unhappy, I think you should look into it.
@futuremrshistorian - I totally agree about phones out during class. I have zero fucks to give about that!
@helloliv - *all the hugs* I don't know what advice to give you except that you are awesome and gorgeous and you will find someone who is perfect for you. Also, I totally agree about people picking the treadmill right next to me - just why, go away!
Confession: I can't wait for this semester to be over. My high school students (most of them anyway) are great but my one class on campus is a fucking trainwreck with students not doing any work or showing up to class and I feel like I'm going to have to fail half of them which makes me feel like a failure. Also, I have so much grading to catch up on I don't even want to think about it!
Confession: I give zero shits about whether or not my extend family (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents) attend my wedding. My mom is freaking out because my cousin *might* get engaged in January and also get married next summer and my only thought is thank-god maybe they'll all go to her wedding and skip mine. This probably makes me a horrible person.
Confession: FI's condom broke the other night and even though I took plan-B I'm super freaked out. My period isn't due to start till next Wednesday and it's killing me to wait right now.
II: I picked up an additional shift with my second job so now I'll work Monday and Wednesday afternoons and the client I'm with is super nice and easy-going but I really don't want to go today. I feel exhausted and just want to go home and sleep.
WR Rant - BF's brother and his fiancé are convinced that sending out invites to their July wedding should happen by January AT THE LATEST. Not Save The Dates. Invites with RSVP requests. They're ordered, and she's sending them out next month. I told her not to. I got pretty blunt. I guess she didn't care.
That's just dumb, and I think they're gonna have to deal with a lot of changed RSVP's, or Not Attendings because of it.
I agree with @swazzle and @goldenpenguin - I would never expect my dog to be invited anywhere and I totally see why someone wouldn't want to add pets to the mix of a family holiday gathering. Holidays are crazy enough as it is, let's leave the pets at home.
@helloliv - I second everything @minskat30 said. Of course you deserve to be happy! Things will happen when they are meant to happen. I know it's hard to take your own advice sometimes, but I promise you it will all work out. Hugs.
@labro I am so sorry you feel that way. I completely understand, as I have been struggling with this for a while now. I am leaning towards hyphenating, but I think FFIL is going to have a fit if I don't immediately take FI's last name only (and possibly have a hyphenated name for any of our future children) . FI doesn't like our names hyphenated, but I don't think it sounds that bad. I am very attached to my last name, especially since genealogy is huge in my family, and I am the last of the line with my last name (I'm an only child, my aunt and uncle with the same name have no kids, and the rest of my cousins all have different last names as my aunts took their husbands' names). FI has a younger brother and sister, and many, many cousins that could hopefully carry on his last name. I guess my point is that I can empathize.
Confession: I am a little hurt that a childhood friend didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I think I know why and understand the reasoning (if it is the case; FI thinks that is the case too), but it is difficult when she texts me excitedly about her wedding and all the details, and I know our other childhood friend is one (we all grew up together and she mentioned that the other friend was one to me). I'm vague knotting a little here, and I know it isn't tit for tat or anything (she is one of mine), but it was still hurtful to find out. FI and I will still attend their wedding and be happy for them, and I don't plan to say anything about it to her. ETA: Why this hurt too, is that she told me right after she got engaged that I would be a bridesmaid, and then never said anything else. She then later named everyone to me and mentioned about what she planned to have them wear and that "they all loved the idea!". So she also went back on her word, which hurt even more.
Completely Rational Irritation: Company policies state that I can work from home, and that temporary accommodations can be made for disabilities. I am more productive when I work from home right now as it doesn't take me 10+ minutes to get from my office to a meeting or the bathroom; I can just call in to meetings, and immediately go back to work. The only physical part of my job I can't do while on crutches anyways, so I had to submit an online request for someone to do it for me. So my entire job right now is pretty much sitting in my office working online remotely anyways. And yet HR tells me they won't grant a WFH exception because my injury isn't serious enough. Okay then, so you are diagnosing me (despite not being a doctor) and telling me that I have to be less productive? Cool.
Cinders attends every single family holiday with us. Callie will be there this year and so will Cinders. We try to bring her on what vacations we can too. I don't know if it makes a difference for us that my parents and sisters all live in the area and our dogs already hang out together all the time, but I guess I don't see the big deal behind dogs being at a large family gathering? My dog is well-behaved and we're extra on top of her in a situation like that where there's more distraction to make sure she absolutely is a good houseguest at all times.
Mariah Carey is the exception to the rule re: Christmas Music.
@AlPacina Obviously it's an invitation race and nobody will come if they don't send invitations at least a year in advance!!!!
I've had this confession/I judge before but I REALLY do not get the adult love for all things Disney. #iCant with Disney weddings or honeymoons period. The place is crawling with children and really there are just not enough truly adult things to do there that make it seem like that great of a HM location to me.
@minskat30 I hate getting emails with my name wrong. You were able to spell it right to send me the email, what happened the second time you wrote it?! If it is a coworker, that I know, I'll correct them. If it is a customer, coworker, or someone I don't know I won't say anything and bottle up my anger.
@cu97tiger I'm sorry that you're family is not including your dogs. I hate kenneling and if I can't leave them with a house sitter or family, then I don't go somewhere for long periods of time.
@goldenpenguin I also hate holiday music, especially after working in retail. Starting the SS thing was the earliest I've ever agreed to something for the holidays.... which leads to my confession: I got really twitchy putting together the SS. Especially since the discussion started in October. I convinced myself it was worth it by telling myself it was actually a pen pal program.
Confession: I keep saying I need to eat less and work out, and then I see cookies.
Rant: People who do not do their job. We have two women who work in our mail-room, but don't actually work. It takes them days to deliver mail, which forces me to search the building for things we are told have been delivered. Then whenever there are packages that need to be sent out, they refuse to take them if they're larger than an envelope. They also refuse to give each department a login for fedex, so you have to go through 3 different people for international shipments (2 for domestic).
Rant: I can't stand it when my CW behind me yells on the phone with our reps. 99% of our phone calls are to outsourced call centers, so yeah, there's a language/accent/whatever barrier, but there's no reason to say things like "HELLO I'M TALKING HERE!" You get what you give, if you're nice to them, they'll be nice back.
UO: Marriage is hard. It's been hard for us. Granted, if we didn't have the whole infertility thing on top of our first year of marriage it would probably be a lot easier. My parents have been married 41 years and they tell me marriage is hard. But you make it work.
Confession: Even though I'm excited and cautious about our next IVF cycle, I'm preparing more for a life without kids and I'm really freaking excited about that. If this doesn't work, we're taking a year off, going on a couple of nice vacations and getting a new puppy! After a year we'll discuss adoption or a child-free life. I'm more for the latter, but it's a decision we both have to make when we're both ready.
UO: @cu97tiger you can bring yourself, H and the dogs over any time! I get it, my fur babies are my kids too. If my dog was uninvited to someone's house, I wouldn't go at all. I have a friend who hates cats and dogs and I just don't invite her over because I don't want to put my dog in the bedroom. So, I guess my UO is my pets are part of my family and if you tell me I can bring myself but not my dogs for an extended holiday event then I'm staying home. One day over is fine, I get it, but not a week away.
II: This might be a rational irritation but, I HATE when people blame their geographic origin on their beliefs, word shits, etc. There was a Mexican food card outside of my office the past few days and then they left. My CW said "oh, they were probably deported." I told her that was offensive and she said "Well, I'm from Wisconsin, we don't censor ourselves from our beliefs". Um, okay.
Etc.: I can't wait to have split pea soup this weekend.
WR Rant - BF's brother and his fiancé are convinced that sending out invites to their July wedding should happen by January AT THE LATEST. Not Save The Dates. Invites with RSVP requests. They're ordered, and she's sending them out next month. I told her not to. I got pretty blunt. I guess she didn't care.
That's just dumb, and I think they're gonna have to deal with a lot of changed RSVP's, or Not Attendings because of it.
That's crazy! I think we are going to end up sending ours a little early, but not that early. Maybe like 10-11 weeks out! I was thinking late April-early May for our July wedding.
The other thing too, is that you never know what could happen when you send them out that early. My friend whose June wedding was just called off sent out invitations with RSVPs this past July. We had it hanging on our fridge so we didn't forget, but yea. So maybe tell her that?
@minskat30 - On a rational day, I totally know that 31 isn't old, that I want to be with someone who I don't have to worry about getting scared and bailing when life throws curve balls, and that I'd rather be 40 when I find that than 31 and married to someone who doesn't treat me in the way I deserve. You're right that things have changed immeasurably for me in the last five years, and I'm sure the next five years will bring even more (hopefully good) changes. I just can't really see the light at the end of the tunnel right now.
@labro - Thanks for sharing your story. I'm so sorry that you dealt with a cheating ex. The very, very, very abbreviated story is that a few months ago we had a ton of huge life changes come up that were very overwhelming to T, and he pretty much got freaked out, said that everything is too hard, that he is very independent and has never needed anyone and he doesn't want to need me, etc. We'd always been a very solid, very good team, and this freak-out came legitimately overnight: One day things were amazing, next day, he flipped. It's been just about three months now, and while we are still "together", it feels like that is mostly just in name. So I get what you mean about needing time to wrap your head around it. I still haven't at three months, because it's like a switch was flipped and he became this person I didn't know at all. And the worst part is, I still love him and miss him immensely, and the life that we had planned on and were SO CLOSE to having. So it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under me and I can't cope.
Love & Splits A blog about running and life with pituitary tumors
Rant - Getting real sick of random pains I'm having!! Left shoulder is so tense and I know it's stress but REALLY BODY!? GET OVER IT!!
II - Also ... really regretting canceling and rescheduling my dentist appointment because now I can't get in until December and I think my cavity is getting worse
III - As @GoldenPenguin said earlier and last time .... DEATH TO CHRISTMAS MUSIC!! Urg ... none of it is happening at my place. I can't even emotionally handle most of them anyways
Confession - I am attempting Christmas spirit for the first time in probably 10yrs because we are hosting a dinner. It's a lot more effort to force spirit but we're doing winterized decor. Plus I'm making drinks {martinis}
@TwoDimes - My neighbor is having a baby, and the hospital is requiring her to tell anyone who will be in contact with the baby the first year to get the flu shot and Tdap. I got mine Monday. They are seeing a lot of newborns come back to the hospital with infections.
@helloliv - You are gorrrrrgeous and I hate that you're feeling this way. All the hugs and support.
@bethsmiles thanks. I'm glad I am not overreacting (hopefully). I really tried to be okay with it but I am hurt.
The prevailing theory that my FI (who I am going to refer to as R for clarity here) brought up, and that I honestly think might be the case, is that it is because her FI is my ex (they did not meet through me; it was just a crazy coincidence). From what she has said, they have made almost all WR decisions together, and R thinks that he didn't want to see me standing behind her at the altar.
Given the fact that her FI tried to keep up with R drinking at the last friend's wedding we all attended in what seemed like a way to impress me (despite the fact that they were dating at the time), this wouldn't surprise me.
@alpacina - My cousin just told me her caterer needs a FINAL headcount by 4 months before the wedding. What the actual fuck???? I told her to push back because that's ridiculous. I already feel like this wedding will be full of etiquette disasters. She already pushed the wedding back a year because she just HAS to get married on their dating anniversary......
@AuroraRose41 - I think that sounds like a rational explanation (not for the fact that she was rude and hurtful, but for the fact that you aren't a BM). One of my best friends is also friends with BF's ex-wife (Another crazy coincidence thing...she and I have been friends since college and she met his ex-wife in grad school...while they were still married, actually. BF and I didn't even meet until 5 years after that.) I know it's made things really awkward for her at times. Still, I'm sorry--I'm sure that must have hurt. :-(
This rant is legit not directed at any one person. My mind is honestly blown that I'm completely in the minority with the line of thinking that my dog is not invited to things with me.
I think it's obvious that I'm obsessed with my animals but I don't see how it's logical or fair to expect (keyword) to take them to other peoples' homes. My aunt is having Christmas this year and she would look at me like I have 4 heads if I was like "H, Lucy, Bailey, Hailey, Brody, and I will be there at 2. Can't wait to see you!"
All four of my animals are well-behaved, they don't destroy things in my house and they're fully house-trained. I still would not expect or assume that they're invited everywhere I am invited and I would definitely not be mad or offended if I was told they have to stay home. Some people don't even like animals! Why should they be forced or guilt-tripped into having yours at their house when they're not even into animals?
My line of thinking when I'm invited to something is ok will Lucy be ok for however long I'll be gone? If yes, great. If no, then is there someone she can stay with or someone that can check in on her while I'm gone? If yes, then great. If no and there are still no other alternatives, then either H, myself, or both of us will stay home with absolutely no hard feelings towards whoever did the inviting.
I also think there are situations where it's already established that your dog or whoever is invited. Like I said with my mom and like @labro said with her family. Those situations are already been established and everyone is on the same page.
@twodimes - They weren't really uninvited, they just aren't welcome. With my sister, it's that her house isn't big enough for 8 adults, 2 kids, 3 dogs + christmas presents. I understand it, but it still hurts. T-giving, we're not sure. There will probably be 30 people there, so no dogs might be a regular rule. I had a harder time changing my name than I thought I would. My maiden name was so common (I feel ya, @labro), that changing to my married name was exciting, in theory, but sad, in reality. It took me close to two years to really come to terms with it. The first time I did a race after we got married, DH sweetly had the emcee announce my full name. I looked around and then realized that it was me, and I started crying. It was awful.
@helloliv - Oh, I left out that part, the dogs, as of right now, aren't allowed at my parents condo at all because it's brand new and they don't want the dogs to ruin it. My parents live 10 mins from my sister, which is 3.5 hours from here, so it's not really a feasible day trip. Also, you are a wonderful human who has so very many positive qualities. I'd bet a lot of money that you won't end up alone. I know it's not scientific evidence, but I didn't meet DH until I was 32.5.... so it definitely CAN happen after 31!
@swazzle - That's not an UO and I think you know it. I'm not lamenting that we can't take the dogs everywhere we go. We obviously have done plenty of travelling without them. I'm sad that my close family (re: sister and parents) have the choice between seeing us on Christmas WITH our dogs, or not on Christmas at all, and they've chose the latter. I'm not saying they are terrible people for what they're doing, but it does make me sad. Especially so because DH is taking it even more personally than I am.
@goldenpenguin - Amen to the marriage is hard UO. It's not hard... it's something you work at (like working out to make your muscles stronger, you work on your marriage to keep your marriage strong). I do get that people freak out about the word FOREVER. I don't have a problem with it, but I get that others do.
@goldenpenguin - I don't get it either, as I'd be okay spending Christmas apart from F+F, but DH doesn't, and I'm supporting him in it, even if I don't feel the same way.
@alpacina - My cousin just told me her caterer needs a FINAL headcount by 4 months before the wedding. What the actual fuck???? I told her to push back because that's ridiculous. I already feel like this wedding will be full of etiquette disasters. She already pushed the wedding back a year because she just HAS to get married on their dating anniversary......
Maybe a UO?: This makes ZERO sense to me. I have never understood why your wedding has to be on the same day you started dating. Of course, maybe that's because I've never exactly had a dating anniversary. BF and I sort of fell into seeing each other...and we made out long before we went on an actual "date." I'd love to see my parents' faces if they asked about my "dating anniversary" and I told them the truth: "Well, June 12 is the day we closed down the bar and then made out on the living room floor for 3 hours. Oh, and it was the first time I learned he can't unhook a bra if his life depends on it. So it's a really special day for us."
@labro I feel you about the last name deal! I've been dragging my ass on changing my name {mainly because I can't until after our honeymoon} I'm on the fence of not doing anything, or hyphenating. I can't fully justify changing my name. We had a convo and ultimately it's my choice but we made a compromise that kid(s) would have his last name. I'm cool with that.
Re: Rants, UOs, IIs, Confessions, etc.
@helloliv - I pressed love it on your post because of the beer stuff. Relationship-wise, I think most people have been in your position. Ending a relationship is a hard decision to make, especially when you have all the good memories. I'm sorry that T isn't the person you thought he was.
@cu97tiger - We had to board our dog for Christmas last year because he wasn't invited to BF's parents' house. It sucked not spending the holiday with him, but I think he had more fun where he went than he would have had with us, especially since I would have had to constantly keep an eye on him. It still bummed me out a ton though.
The only thing that made it better was remembering that he has no idea it's actually Christmas on the 25th, so we celebrated with him and gave him treats and presents as soon as we were all home together!
@GoldenPenguin - I almost never drink anymore for the exact reasoning you talked about, haha!
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Confession - I think @untouchablets is super gorgeous. And she just needs to know that.
Rant - Fucking stay home from work if you're sick, CHARLES! If you're gonna have 5 kids going to school and coming home drenched in germs, you've gotta be prepared to take a shit ton of sick leave. I shouldn't have to suffer!
UO - People on here are complaining about Christmas and such, but I'm already SO SICK of hearing about the new Star Wars movie. Probably because I work with a ton of nerds. Others may not have this problem.
@twodimes I agree on the Christmas songs. I prefer the traditional songs, sung by original singer, not updated pop versions.
Confession: I totally forgot we spend some money after Christmas buying tons of decorations for the house inside and out for the holidays. I can't wait to put up those new decorations. ETA; As excited as I am I won't put them up until after Thanksgiving though.
WR Rant - BF's brother and his fiancé are convinced that sending out invites to their July wedding should happen by January AT THE LATEST. Not Save The Dates. Invites with RSVP requests. They're ordered, and she's sending them out next month. I told her not to. I got pretty blunt. I guess she didn't care.
That's just dumb, and I think they're gonna have to deal with a lot of changed RSVP's, or Not Attendings because of it.
@helloliv - I second everything @minskat30 said. Of course you deserve to be happy! Things will happen when they are meant to happen. I know it's hard to take your own advice sometimes, but I promise you it will all work out. Hugs.
Rant: I can't stand it when my CW behind me yells on the phone with our reps. 99% of our phone calls are to outsourced call centers, so yeah, there's a language/accent/whatever barrier, but there's no reason to say things like "HELLO I'M TALKING HERE!" You get what you give, if you're nice to them, they'll be nice back.
UO: Marriage is hard. It's been hard for us. Granted, if we didn't have the whole infertility thing on top of our first year of marriage it would probably be a lot easier. My parents have been married 41 years and they tell me marriage is hard. But you make it work.
Confession: Even though I'm excited and cautious about our next IVF cycle, I'm preparing more for a life without kids and I'm really freaking excited about that. If this doesn't work, we're taking a year off, going on a couple of nice vacations and getting a new puppy! After a year we'll discuss adoption or a child-free life. I'm more for the latter, but it's a decision we both have to make when we're both ready.
UO: @cu97tiger you can bring yourself, H and the dogs over any time! I get it, my fur babies are my kids too. If my dog was uninvited to someone's house, I wouldn't go at all. I have a friend who hates cats and dogs and I just don't invite her over because I don't want to put my dog in the bedroom. So, I guess my UO is my pets are part of my family and if you tell me I can bring myself but not my dogs for an extended holiday event then I'm staying home. One day over is fine, I get it, but not a week away.
II: This might be a rational irritation but, I HATE when people blame their geographic origin on their beliefs, word shits, etc. There was a Mexican food card outside of my office the past few days and then they left. My CW said "oh, they were probably deported." I told her that was offensive and she said "Well, I'm from Wisconsin, we don't censor ourselves from our beliefs". Um, okay.
Etc.: I can't wait to have split pea soup this weekend.
Love & Splits
A blog about running and life with pituitary tumors
Still here and still fabulous!