Moms and Maids

Advice needed- Bridesmaid Issues

edited November 2015 in Moms and Maids

So this past Thursday, my mom and I took my 2 cousins (both of whom are bridesmaids), some of my aunts, and grandmas to see my wedding dress.  We had planned to make a whole night out of it- brought a bottle of wine and some snacks, and we were all supposed to go out to dinner after to celebrate.  Our appointment was at 7:00 pm, and because the bridal salon is about an hour away and I had to pick people up and deal with rush hour traffic I left my house at 4:30, which should have been more than enough time. By the time I finally got to my mom's office to pick her up it was already 6:30.  At this point I was beyond stressed out,  I had been sitting in traffic for 2 hours already and I hate being late.  As soon as I pulled up to my mom's office cousin A sends me a text telling me to avoid one of the highways because it was all backed up.  I immediately texted her back thanking her and letting her know that we were running late because traffic was unusually horrible (which it was).  As soon as my mom got in the car, I called the bridal salon, apologized profusely and let them know that we were stuck in horrible traffic. They told me not to worry about it and they would see us when we got there.
We were about 10 minutes away and I get a text message from my "aunt" asking where we were and asking if they would pass us.  I responded with our location and asked why would they pass us, my "aunt" responded with if we left now.  I told them that if they wanted to leave then they should leave, that we had been sitting in traffic for 3 hours and were doing the best we could, that I was extremely stressed out, that this is supposed to be a really happy and exciting day for me and if they couldn't respect that then they should leave.  To which my "aunt" responded with "this is really rude to the staff" and "we all had to get there".  At this point I lost it and just started to cry and my mom just told me to ignore it.  My "aunt" was actually cousin B texting from my aunts phone.  
We finally pull into the store parking lot at 7:30 (3 hours later), I walked up to the front desk and profusely apologized, the woman who sold me my dress came out, I profusely apologized again, and she looked at me with a huge smile and told me that it was really no big deal she was just happy that I got there.  She took me back to the dressing room, told me to get undressed and that she would be right back she was just going to move everybody to the big mirror.  She came back to the dressing room looked at me and said I can not believe your cousin (cousin B ) and how she is carrying on and complaining and that she just got right in your moms face to tell her off.  A couple minutes later, my mom comes back to the dressing room and profusely apologizes for not only being late but also for cousin B's behavior.  The saleswoman was in shock that cousin B would not only disrespect my mom, like that, but would have to nerve to ruin a special day for me.  Apparently before we had arrived cousin B was sitting there and throwing a tantrum because we were running late, then while I was getting undressed my mom asked her to please stop, and cousin B went off on my mom and threw another tantrum telling my mom off and said things to my mom like you are not that important, and declared that she didn't even want to come and see my dress in the first place.  Nobody could believe her behavior (did I mention she is 24).  
Unfortunately this is not the first time she has done this to me, she has told me that if I ask one of my friends to stand up for me that she refuses to be sat with her at the wedding (she doesn't like my friend because she says she talks to much) saying "especially if you don't want any drama", and has sent me other kinds of mean and snotty texts.  My mom keeps telling me to just ignore it, but its beginning to get really hard to ignore.  I don't know what to do, I have some people telling me that I should tell her she can no longer stand up, and others telling me to wait it out.  I am torn, she is my cousin, I love her and am really close to both her and her sister, but I don't even want to chance behavior like this coming out closer to the wedding or on our actual wedding day.
While I do understand the frustration with us being late, it was out of our control, we did the best we could and they sat in the same traffic that we did just not for nearly as long, and in the end we only ended up only being a half and hour late.  I am well aware that while my wedding will be one of, if not, the biggest day in my life as well my fiancees and our parents, I do understand that it will not be so important for other people, nor do I expect it to be. I do hope however that people can join in our excitement and happiness, as I would in theirs. 

I just don't know what to do about cousin B.....HELP!

Answers

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Wow, why did you even ask cousin B to be a BM? You and your mom need to stop handling her with kid gloves. You should tell her that you're upset with her behavior at the salon, particularly the way she spoke to your mom. Be bruatally honest because it sounds like she needs a wake up call. 


                       
    OliveOilsMomInLoveInQueens
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers


    So this past Thursday, my mom and I took my 2 cousins (both of whom are bridesmaids), some of my aunts, and grandmas to see my wedding dress.  We had planned to make a whole night out of it- brought a bottle of wine and some snacks, and we were all supposed to go out to dinner after to celebrate.  Our appointment was at 7:00 pm, and because the bridal salon is about an hour away and I had to pick people up and deal with rush hour traffic I left my house at 4:30, which should have been more than enough time. By the time I finally got to my mom's office to pick her up it was already 6:30.  At this point I was beyond stressed out,  I had been sitting in traffic for 2 hours already and I hate being late.  As soon as I pulled up to my mom's office cousin A sends me a text telling me to avoid one of the highways because it was all backed up.  I immediately texted her back thanking her and letting her know that we were running late because traffic was unusually horrible (which it was).  As soon as my mom got in the car, I called the bridal salon, apologized profusely and let them know that we were stuck in horrible traffic. They told me not to worry about it and they would see us when we got there.
    We were about 10 minutes away and I get a text message from my "aunt" asking where we were and asking if they would pass us.  I responded with our location and asked why would they pass us, my "aunt" responded with if we left now.  I told them that if they wanted to leave then they should leave, that we had been sitting in traffic for 3 hours and were doing the best we could, that I was extremely stressed out, that this is supposed to be a really happy and exciting day for me and if they couldn't respect that then they should leave.  To which my "aunt" responded with "this is really rude to the staff" and "we all had to get there".  At this point I lost it and just started to cry and my mom just told me to ignore it.  My "aunt" was actually cousin B texting from my aunts phone.  
    We finally pull into the store parking lot at 7:30 (3 hours later), I walked up to the front desk and profusely apologized, the woman who sold me my dress came out, I profusely apologized again, and she looked at me with a huge smile and told me that it was really no big deal she was just happy that I got there.  She took me back to the dressing room, told me to get undressed and that she would be right back she was just going to move everybody to the big mirror.  She came back to the dressing room looked at me and said I can not believe your cousin (cousin B ) and how she is carrying on and complaining and that she just got right in your moms face to tell her off.  A couple minutes later, my mom comes back to the dressing room and profusely apologizes for not only being late but also for cousin B's behavior.  The saleswoman was in shock that cousin B would not only disrespect my mom, like that, but would have to nerve to ruin a special day for me.  Apparently before we had arrived cousin B was sitting there and throwing a tantrum because we were running late, then while I was getting undressed my mom asked her to please stop, and cousin B went off on my mom and threw another tantrum telling my mom off and said things to my mom like you are not that important, and declared that she didn't even want to come and see my dress in the first place.  Nobody could believe her behavior (did I mention she is 24).  
    Unfortunately this is not the first time she has done this to me, she has told me that if I ask one of my friends to stand up for me that she refuses to be sat with her at the wedding (she doesn't like my friend because she says she talks to much) saying "especially if you don't want any drama", and has sent me other kinds of mean and snotty texts.  My mom keeps telling me to just ignore it, but its beginning to get really hard to ignore.  I don't know what to do, I have some people telling me that I should tell her she can no longer stand up, and others telling me to wait it out.  I am torn, she is my cousin, I love her and am really close to both her and her sister, but I don't even want to chance behavior like this coming out closer to the wedding or on our actual wedding day.
    While I do understand the frustration with us being late, it was out of our control, we did the best we could and they sat in the same traffic that we did just not for nearly as long, and in the end we only ended up only being a half and hour late.  I am well aware that while my wedding will be one of, if not, the biggest day in my life as well my fiancees and our parents, I do understand that it will not be so important for other people, nor do I expect it to be. I do hope however that people can join in our excitement and happiness, as I would in theirs. 

    I just don't know what to do about cousin B.....HELP!
    Well, I think you should retain cousin B in your wedding party but make clear to her that her antics will no longer be tolerated: "B, your behavior to the store staff and my mom was really out of line. Your temper tantrums did nothing whatsoever to help the situation. It's up to you where things go from here, but if you ever again behave like that toward us, we will leave the room, hang up, delete your email or text, or have security escort you out of the venue. Your relationships with us depend on you treating everyone with respect."
  • I don't blame cousin B for being annoyed. You wasted at least half an hour of her time. She managed to get there on time, despite traffic so I could see how she'd think you'd be expected to do the same (and the dress shop people are not the only people that you should have been apologizing to for being late).
    The annoyance could be even stronger if going to the dress reveal wasn't something she really wanted to do but something she felt pressured to go to either by you or by the "aunt." It might be a "special time" for you but that doesn't mean it is for anyone else.


    That said, it doesn't sound like she had a mature reaction to the annoyance.
    If this immaturity is typical of her then I'd stop inviting her to pre-wedding events / stop talking about the wedding with her. Just let her show up the day of and hopefully she behaves.
    And I would avoid putting her next to the friend of yours she doesn't like. Not because she deserves to have her way, but rather, why subject your friend with having to sit next to her?
    InLoveInQueens
  • Wow, why did you even ask cousin B to be a BM? You and your mom need to stop handling her with kid gloves. You should tell her that you're upset with her behavior at the salon, particularly the way she spoke to your mom. Be bruatally honest because it sounds like she needs a wake up call. 


    But more than how she treated your Mom or her dismay in you, how she treated the sales staff at the store - someone who didn't sign up for that type of behavior.  IMO, the drama is only going to continue as the planning goes on.  The best way to nip it in the bud is to not invite her to such things in the future and give her the role of "show up in a designated dress on the wedding day itself".  I wouldn't outright cut her as a BM, but it may be time to distance from the wedding planning/events for a while...
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    aurianna said:
    I don't blame cousin B for being annoyed. You wasted at least half an hour of her time. She managed to get there on time, despite traffic so I could see how she'd think you'd be expected to do the same (and the dress shop people are not the only people that you should have been apologizing to for being late).
    The annoyance could be even stronger if going to the dress reveal wasn't something she really wanted to do but something she felt pressured to go to either by you or by the "aunt." It might be a "special time" for you but that doesn't mean it is for anyone else.


    That said, it doesn't sound like she had a mature reaction to the annoyance.
    If this immaturity is typical of her then I'd stop inviting her to pre-wedding events / stop talking about the wedding with her. Just let her show up the day of and hopefully she behaves.
    And I would avoid putting her next to the friend of yours she doesn't like. Not because she deserves to have her way, but rather, why subject your friend with having to sit next to her?

    How is being stuck in traffic "wasting her time" ?  That would only be the case if they traveled to the store from the same starting points along the same route, which apparently was not the case.  The OP has no control over what other traffic is on the road or if any roads are closed, regardless of how much "advance time and planning" she put into getting from her mom's office to the store.  This is a very harsh and unreasonable judgment. 

    JediElizabethOliveOilsMom[Deleted User]
  • Your cousin owes you, your mom, you aunt, and the store staff a huge apology.  How did your aunt respond when everything happened?  Did she find cousin b's behavior acceptable? She did let her text you from her phone...You titled this as bridesmaid advice, but truly, it's family advice.  How you handle this will affect not just the relationship the two of you have, but many other relationships.  You need to handle this tactfully.

    I understand her feeling frustrated, but has she never been late to an appointment because of traffic?

    While your dress will never be as important to anyone else, showing off your dress was not the actual purpose for spending time together.  While your dress was the reason for the gathering, you tried to organize a special time for the women in your family to make memories together and enjoy each others' company.  For many, the opportunity to spend quality time together would have been enough of a reason to go. I would have interpreted the invite as one of the last hurrahs before your family dynamic changes.

    Leave your cousin in the wedding for now.  You do not need any extra family drama caused by kicking her out.  If she decides to drop out, then it is on her.  I would warn her.  "Cousin, I am sorry for the lateness of my arrival at the salon.  Despite the late arrival, you owe my mother, aunt, and the store staff an apology.  We were embarrassed by your behavior towards everyone.  You embarrassed yourself.  It was uncalled for.  If you do not wish to be included in things, you do not need to come.  If you do not want to join us, speak up."  Do not discuss kicking her out.  I would not include her in planning things.  If there is something that a group is doing (like trying on bm dresses or BP), invite her with a phone call followed by "no obligation to come."  I only suggest including her to avoid another tantrum of "I wasn't included/invited to this!" 

    What does your mom say about everything?  She was there to witness/receive it all.  Your mom was on the receiving end of it all with you.  She should be able to give some input about how to proceed, as your actions will affect her.  She would have to endure the impact of the family drama.  Did your aunt make any apologies for the cousin's behavior? 
    spockforprez
  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited November 2015
    Jen4948 said:
    aurianna said:
    I don't blame cousin B for being annoyed. You wasted at least half an hour of her time. She managed to get there on time, despite traffic so I could see how she'd think you'd be expected to do the same (and the dress shop people are not the only people that you should have been apologizing to for being late).
    The annoyance could be even stronger if going to the dress reveal wasn't something she really wanted to do but something she felt pressured to go to either by you or by the "aunt." It might be a "special time" for you but that doesn't mean it is for anyone else.

    How is being stuck in traffic "wasting her time" ?  That would only be the case if they traveled to the store from the same starting points along the same route, which apparently was not the case.  The OP has no control over what other traffic is on the road or if any roads are closed, regardless of how much "advance time and planning" she put into getting from her mom's office to the store.  This is a very harsh and unreasonable judgment. 


    I got the impression that cousin was at the salon on time and sitting and waiting for 30 minutes for OP to show up. If that's not what happened, then I read incorrectly.
    If that is what happened, then OP could have left earlier, could have checked traffic ahead of time to get best route, could have scheduled appointment for not right after rush hour, could have called cousin as soon as she had an inkling that she'd be late in case cousin would rather skip the appointment or leave later for it, etc etc etc.

    As I said, cousin's reaction was inappropriate and not to scale with what happened. But she wasn't wrong. Everyone else managed to get to the salon at the appropriate time.
    And OP said she "apologized profusely" to the front desk and the gal helping her with her dress, but never mentioned apologizing to her family waiting for the pretty princess show.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    aurianna said:
    Jen4948 said:
    aurianna said:
    I don't blame cousin B for being annoyed. You wasted at least half an hour of her time. She managed to get there on time, despite traffic so I could see how she'd think you'd be expected to do the same (and the dress shop people are not the only people that you should have been apologizing to for being late).
    The annoyance could be even stronger if going to the dress reveal wasn't something she really wanted to do but something she felt pressured to go to either by you or by the "aunt." It might be a "special time" for you but that doesn't mean it is for anyone else.

    How is being stuck in traffic "wasting her time" ?  That would only be the case if they traveled to the store from the same starting points along the same route, which apparently was not the case.  The OP has no control over what other traffic is on the road or if any roads are closed, regardless of how much "advance time and planning" she put into getting from her mom's office to the store.  This is a very harsh and unreasonable judgment. 


    I got the impression that cousin was at the salon on time and sitting and waiting for 30 minutes for OP to show up. If that's not what happened, then I read incorrectly.
    If that is what happened, then OP could have left earlier, could have checked traffic ahead of time to get best route, could have scheduled appointment for not right after rush hour, could have called cousin as soon as she had an inkling that she'd be late in case cousin would rather skip the appointment or leave later for it, etc etc etc.

    As I said, cousin's reaction was inappropriate and not to scale with what happened. But she wasn't wrong. Everyone else managed to get to the salon at the appropriate time.
    And OP said she "apologized profusely" to the front desk and the gal helping her with her dress, but never mentioned apologizing to her family waiting for the pretty princess show.

    I still think this is harsh judgment.  Were you personally there? What do you know about what the traffic conditions were like? How do you know that just because the OP didn't mention here that she apologized to her family that she didn't actually do so?

    And "pretty princess show" ?  Does that make every bride who invites her relatives and wedding party members to try on dresses with her a "pretty princess show" ?

    VicTim328JediElizabeth[Deleted User]

  • aurianna said:
    Jen4948 said:
    aurianna said:
    I don't blame cousin B for being annoyed. You wasted at least half an hour of her time. She managed to get there on time, despite traffic so I could see how she'd think you'd be expected to do the same (and the dress shop people are not the only people that you should have been apologizing to for being late).
    The annoyance could be even stronger if going to the dress reveal wasn't something she really wanted to do but something she felt pressured to go to either by you or by the "aunt." It might be a "special time" for you but that doesn't mean it is for anyone else.

    How is being stuck in traffic "wasting her time" ?  That would only be the case if they traveled to the store from the same starting points along the same route, which apparently was not the case.  The OP has no control over what other traffic is on the road or if any roads are closed, regardless of how much "advance time and planning" she put into getting from her mom's office to the store.  This is a very harsh and unreasonable judgment. 


    I got the impression that cousin was at the salon on time and sitting and waiting for 30 minutes for OP to show up. If that's not what happened, then I read incorrectly.
    If that is what happened, then OP could have left earlier, could have checked traffic ahead of time to get best route, could have scheduled appointment for not right after rush hour, could have called cousin as soon as she had an inkling that she'd be late in case cousin would rather skip the appointment or leave later for it, etc etc etc.

    As I said, cousin's reaction was inappropriate and not to scale with what happened. But she wasn't wrong. Everyone else managed to get to the salon at the appropriate time.
    And OP said she "apologized profusely" to the front desk and the gal helping her with her dress, but never mentioned apologizing to her family waiting for the pretty princess show.
    Did you only read some of the post, she said she left 3 HOURS early, because of traffic, she planned accordingly with the information that she had the time she left.. TBH she said, she "apologized profusely" not to a specific person, then her mom apologized profusely for the behavior of the cousin to the store clerk. and when I read apologized profusely and not to a specific person it sounds like it was a general sorry to everyone. I am betting she walked in apologizing profusely...

    She warned the family, and then the store, and was ONLY 30 minutes late when she sat in traffic for 3 hours.. It is pretty unreasonable to ALWAYS expect traffic to stay the same from the time you leave to the time you get to your destination.

    Maybe during the rush hour was the only time anyone could make it, maybe during rush hour was the only appointment that the shop had for the next month, you don't know the reason that it was scheduled when it was, and frankly since everyone made it, and only one complaint out of all of them was not about the time only about something that was out of OP hands, when and where is not the issue here...

     the cousin was unreasonable, childish and there is no excuse for berating someone, or even mentioning it being an issue for the 30 minutes she was late. If she had not gave one warning, not apologized profusely, and acted like it was no big deal then maybe calmly asking why she was late would be in order, but that is not the case..
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    http://i.imgur.com/vdLE8dJ.gif?noredirect

    <a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Home Buying"><img src="http://global.thenest.com/tickers/tt1cd146.aspx" alt="Anniversary" border="0"  /></a>
    Jen4948


  • Did you only read some of the post, she said she left 3 HOURS early, because of traffic, she planned accordingly with the information that she had the time she left.. TBH she said, she "apologized profusely" not to a specific person, then her mom apologized profusely for the behavior of the cousin to the store clerk. and when I read apologized profusely and not to a specific person it sounds like it was a general sorry to everyone. I am betting she walked in apologizing profusely...

    I read the post. She said she left at what she thought would be plenty of time; she didn't say she checked traffic ahead of time and left early because of it. That's probably just semantics though.

    (But really, how far away was this bridal salon? Either this salon was very far away, in which case extra care in getting there should probably have been taken, or this is a city where traffic just gets this bad... in which case it should have been planned for).

    Whatever. Once she left at 4:30 there was nothing she could do to get there any faster than she did. Everything beyond that point was beyond her control and I agree. But that doesn't mean that cousin doesn't have the right to be annoyed that she fought through similar traffic herself and then had to wait for half an hour (and if this salon was really far away, potentially had to take off work early, skip things she wanted to do, miss dinner, etc).

    Cousin had every right to be annoyed at the wait because crap like that is very, very annoying.
    But as I've said in every post I've made on this thread, I still don't think her reaction/behavior was warranted. I never said OP or mom or staff deserved it, just that it may have been fueled by something other than cousin just sucking.

    And OP did say who she apologized to:
    "I walked up to the front desk and profusely apologized, the woman who sold me my dress came out, I profusely apologized again"
    She apologized to front desk lady and saleswoman. If she apologized to family, she left that out of her story. And in earlier texts she did not mention apology. In fact she mentioned that she pretty much told them "this is my day, deal with it or leave."

    And my pretty princess show comment was probably out of line but I do personally feel like an event like this is pretty AWish. The dress is picked. The people there aren't getting input. She didn't mention a plan to take them out to eat afterwards. It's just... take an evening, drive out in a bunch of traffic, and watch me walk around in a dress that you'll see at my wedding and in pictures anyway. The event isn't very important but I caught whiffs in the post that OP seemed to think it should have been very important.
    "I told them that this is supposed to be a really happy and exciting day for me and if they couldn't respect that then they should leave"
    "The saleswoman was in shock that cousin B would have to nerve to ruin a special day for me."



    So for like the third time... cousin overreacted. Cousin was immature. I do not agree with cousin. I do not think cousin should be included in much else from here on out.

    But I do know that if I sat in a bunch of traffic, only to wait around for another half hour, to watch a fashion show that  I didn't actually want to go to, I would be cranky... especially if the bride did not apologize to me.

    And maybe I am being too harsh, but this read to me very much like "I am the victim, 100% innocent and my evil cousin ruined my speshul day so I want to kick her out of the bridal party."
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards