Couple baby shower ettiquette

TrixieJess · October 2015

jacques27 said:

Ok. I stopped reading after awhile, so forgive me if this is covered.

Why must it be a "couples" shower? Why can't it just be a shower, where you invite your friends, some of whom are men and some of whom are women, and some of whom just happen to be pair-bonded with each other? Then you don't have to worry about whether or not to invite all couples - you just simply invite people you want there and are close to, regardless of the makeup of their genitalia.

Also, women can like beer and hanging out. Men can like cupcakes and being supportive of their friends. Both are able to co-exist at an event. And both men and women are capable of attending events that don't cater to the sexist stereotypes of their genders and manage to live through the couple of hours and tell the tale at the end. How is this even a discussion?

Plan shit you would enjoy. Invite people you like. Celebrate. Not that hard.

I had a baby shower and invited my male friends. Some of them came with their gf/wives, some came on their own. FI didn't even come because he had to work that day. My step-mom and step-dad were invited but decided not to come because they didn't want to deal with my mother. I had a great day, it was fun. Everyone got to meet the baby and we ate cupcakes. What more can you ask for?

themosthappy91 · October 2015

MandyMost said:

I think the big issue with having a co-ed shower is that men have no interest in sitting around and watching someone open a bunch of baby stuff. In fact, many women don't either, but they put up with it because of cultural norms. No one want to play the stupid games, but again women put up with it because of cultural norms.

So if you want a co-ed shower, you have to do something about these two issues (watching all the baby stuff get opened, and the stupid games).

Some suggestions--have it in more of a "backyard barbeque" set-up, and don't have it set up so everyone is expected to sit around and watch the presents be opened. Only people who want to sit and watch will do so...the others can continue mingling. Obviously no games, and no traditional baby shower decorations.

I went to one co-ed shower that was a "book shower". They had a traditional shower with their relatives, but then had a second co-ed "book shower" for their friends. Instead of a regular gift, everyone brought a baby/kids book. Even the men had lots of fun seeing all the books and remembering their favorites as a kid. There was music, drinks, and otherwise just a regular party.

I disagree that this is the case, and I disagree with PP who said don't call it a shower.

H and I both love watching people open presents- we're gift people, we love giving them, we love getting them. Nothing about that is a gendered behavior and I think it's insulting and perpetuates several negative stereotypes to say "men don't want to sit around and watch people open baby gifts" (men don't care as much about babies/family, women are more materialistic etc.).

I see no reason why we have to hyper-masculine-ize showers by changing their name and throwing in something about beer and BBQ just to make them palatable to male guests. It's a freaking baby and if my guy friends can't be just as excited about it as my girl friends well they aren't very good friends.

Have the shower and invite guests of both sexes, including all SOs. Those who like showers or want to be there to show support, whether male or female, will come, and those who don't care won't. Or if you yourself hate sitting around watching people open gifts at showers just don't have one of your own and have a regular party instead!

Jstump2 · October 2015

aww, that stinks. The good news is I just made up the guest list, 34 people, and literally all of our friends/family are currently in relationships

ohmrs2014 · November 2015

I didn't have a couple's shower per say, but it was somewhat co-ed. DH wanted some of his close friends there and since my mom and dad were hosting, we had to clear it with her. She thought it was a great idea but my dad is very traditional and thought it should be women only. DH was able to invite to his friends and my family thought it was a great idea to involve men. The guys were able to catch up with one another and have a good time while the women did the same. I know the men in my family wouldn't have come even if their wives/SOs wanted them to go.

frenchiekin · November 2015

themosthappy91 said:

MandyMost said:

I think the big issue with having a co-ed shower is that men have no interest in sitting around and watching someone open a bunch of baby stuff. In fact, many women don't either, but they put up with it because of cultural norms. No one want to play the stupid games, but again women put up with it because of cultural norms.

So if you want a co-ed shower, you have to do something about these two issues (watching all the baby stuff get opened, and the stupid games).

Some suggestions--have it in more of a "backyard barbeque" set-up, and don't have it set up so everyone is expected to sit around and watch the presents be opened. Only people who want to sit and watch will do so...the others can continue mingling. Obviously no games, and no traditional baby shower decorations.

I went to one co-ed shower that was a "book shower". They had a traditional shower with their relatives, but then had a second co-ed "book shower" for their friends. Instead of a regular gift, everyone brought a baby/kids book. Even the men had lots of fun seeing all the books and remembering their favorites as a kid. There was music, drinks, and otherwise just a regular party.

I disagree that this is the case, and I disagree with PP who said don't call it a shower.

H and I both love watching people open presents- we're gift people, we love giving them, we love getting them. Nothing about that is a gendered behavior and I think it's insulting and perpetuates several negative stereotypes to say "men don't want to sit around and watch people open baby gifts" (men don't care as much about babies/family, women are more materialistic etc.).

I see no reason why we have to hyper-masculine-ize showers by changing their name and throwing in something about beer and BBQ just to make them palatable to male guests. It's a freaking baby and if my guy friends can't be just as excited about it as my girl friends well they aren't very good friends.

Have the shower and invite guests of both sexes, including all SOs. Those who like showers or want to be there to show support, whether male or female, will come, and those who don't care won't. Or if you yourself hate sitting around watching people open gifts at showers just don't have one of your own and have a regular party instead!

ALL OF THIS. Especially the bolded. And don't call it a couple's shower - it's exclusionary to single guests. Call it a shower, or a co-ed shower if you feel that your more traditional guests won't realize that it isn't female-only. No reason to stereotype the shit out of it with "guy stuff" to make them feel comfortable attending.

thisismynickname2 · November 2015

Chiming in to say I'm also in favor of co-ed showers. People of both sexes are parents to children, period. I see no purpose in excluding the male sex from the celebration of bringing new life into the world.

Invite the family and friends that you're close to, with their significant others. Serve cake, and ideally booze if that's your crowd's thing. Done and done.

artbyallie · November 2015

Jstump2 said:

Thanks everyone. I just called it a couples shower in the subject line because my specific question had to do with couples, but I don't plan on putting it on the invite. I plan on just having a more gender-neutral looking invite and inviting both people on the invite.

I guess I just got confused because a "typical" baby shower it's okay to invite just women without their husbands and I know that's how all my aunts expect a shower to go. I will invite my uncles too but don't foresee many coming. I've mentioned to a couple close friends that we want to do a co-ed shower and they are all game. At my bridal shower I invited all females except for one guy friend who was a brides-man.

My mom is the only one who has offered to throw a shower so I don't really have the option of doing a friends shower and a family shower separately. I will invite both single men and women and both parts of any couple.

Ideally I wanted to have a backyard BBQ shower but I live in a cold state and I am due in April so I will have to have an indoor shower. My mom was thinking of having a hot chocolate bar and doing "Baby It's Cold Outside" invites in black and white.

If anyone watches Gilmore Girls. Lane and Zach's shower is my ideal shower. Laid-back, people we love of both sexes there, music playing, people talking, having fun.

Uh... this song makes me cringe. It's really rape-y and IMO not in any way a good theme for anything, let alone a baby shower. Just to offer my 2 cents on that.

justsie · November 2015

artbyallie, I agree with you, I shudder every time I have to listen to that song.

ETF words

MandyMost · November 2015

themosthappy91 said:

MandyMost said:

I think the big issue with having a co-ed shower is that men have no interest in sitting around and watching someone open a bunch of baby stuff. In fact, many women don't either, but they put up with it because of cultural norms. No one want to play the stupid games, but again women put up with it because of cultural norms.

So if you want a co-ed shower, you have to do something about these two issues (watching all the baby stuff get opened, and the stupid games).

Some suggestions--have it in more of a "backyard barbeque" set-up, and don't have it set up so everyone is expected to sit around and watch the presents be opened. Only people who want to sit and watch will do so...the others can continue mingling. Obviously no games, and no traditional baby shower decorations.

I went to one co-ed shower that was a "book shower". They had a traditional shower with their relatives, but then had a second co-ed "book shower" for their friends. Instead of a regular gift, everyone brought a baby/kids book. Even the men had lots of fun seeing all the books and remembering their favorites as a kid. There was music, drinks, and otherwise just a regular party.

I disagree that this is the case, and I disagree with PP who said don't call it a shower.

H and I both love watching people open presents- we're gift people, we love giving them, we love getting them. Nothing about that is a gendered behavior and I think it's insulting and perpetuates several negative stereotypes to say "men don't want to sit around and watch people open baby gifts" (men don't care as much about babies/family, women are more materialistic etc.).

I see no reason why we have to hyper-masculine-ize showers by changing their name and throwing in something about beer and BBQ just to make them palatable to male guests. It's a freaking baby and if my guy friends can't be just as excited about it as my girl friends well they aren't very good friends.

Have the shower and invite guests of both sexes, including all SOs. Those who like showers or want to be there to show support, whether male or female, will come, and those who don't care won't. Or if you yourself hate sitting around watching people open gifts at showers just don't have one of your own and have a regular party instead!

Did you read the next sentence, which I highlighted above? My point is that NO ONE enjoys typically shower activities, in my experience, but society expects women to put up with it. Whether co-ed or not, I would STRONGLY prefer a party that is "hyper-masculine-ized" with beer and barbeque to a typical baby shower.

It seems like we agree that baby-related-events should not be female-only, and that it is an out-dated notion that women should sit around and watch someone open gifts, play stupid games, and eat lame food. But we have opposite ways of going about it. You think men should be forced into the painful torture of attending typical showers, whereas I think women should be freed from these terrible events. Either way, we're advocating equality of the sexes when it comes to gifts and baby events.

themosthappy91 · November 2015

MandyMost said:

themosthappy91 said:

MandyMost said:

I think the big issue with having a co-ed shower is that men have no interest in sitting around and watching someone open a bunch of baby stuff. In fact, many women don't either, but they put up with it because of cultural norms. No one want to play the stupid games, but again women put up with it because of cultural norms.

So if you want a co-ed shower, you have to do something about these two issues (watching all the baby stuff get opened, and the stupid games).

Some suggestions--have it in more of a "backyard barbeque" set-up, and don't have it set up so everyone is expected to sit around and watch the presents be opened. Only people who want to sit and watch will do so...the others can continue mingling. Obviously no games, and no traditional baby shower decorations.

I went to one co-ed shower that was a "book shower". They had a traditional shower with their relatives, but then had a second co-ed "book shower" for their friends. Instead of a regular gift, everyone brought a baby/kids book. Even the men had lots of fun seeing all the books and remembering their favorites as a kid. There was music, drinks, and otherwise just a regular party.

I disagree that this is the case, and I disagree with PP who said don't call it a shower.

H and I both love watching people open presents- we're gift people, we love giving them, we love getting them. Nothing about that is a gendered behavior and I think it's insulting and perpetuates several negative stereotypes to say "men don't want to sit around and watch people open baby gifts" (men don't care as much about babies/family, women are more materialistic etc.).

I see no reason why we have to hyper-masculine-ize showers by changing their name and throwing in something about beer and BBQ just to make them palatable to male guests. It's a freaking baby and if my guy friends can't be just as excited about it as my girl friends well they aren't very good friends.

Have the shower and invite guests of both sexes, including all SOs. Those who like showers or want to be there to show support, whether male or female, will come, and those who don't care won't. Or if you yourself hate sitting around watching people open gifts at showers just don't have one of your own and have a regular party instead!

Did you read the next sentence, which I highlighted above? My point is that NO ONE enjoys typically shower activities, in my experience, but society expects women to put up with it. Whether co-ed or not, I would STRONGLY prefer a party that is "hyper-masculine-ized" with beer and barbeque to a typical baby shower.

It seems like we agree that baby-related-events should not be female-only, and that it is an out-dated notion that women should sit around and watch someone open gifts, play stupid games, and eat lame food. But we have opposite ways of going about it. You think men should be forced into the painful torture of attending typical showers, whereas I think women should be freed from these terrible events. Either way, we're advocating equality of the sexes when it comes to gifts and baby events.

BOXBOXBOXBOXBOX

Uh yeah no, plenty of people, both men and women, enjoy showers, watching people open presents and even playing traditional shower games.

If you are the type of person who loves beer and BBQ then have a shower themed around that. You and the host get to decide what kind of shower to have and your guests are adults who can decide if the type of shindig you're throwing appeals to them.

I don't think people who want a "traditional" shower are under any obligation to "free" their guests from those traditions. Seriously just don't go if you don't like those types of showers- why should people who enjoy them be forced not to throw them in the name of "freeing" women?

Viczaesar · November 2015

I enjoy showers, including the games and watching the guest of honor open presents.

Wegl13 · November 2015

JediElizabeth said:

I am not suggesting a bait and switch, it should be full disclosure that it is a celebration of the baby, but why do you HAVE to call it a shower, I know that most men I know think of a Shower as a girly event with games and girl things, I am not saying it is correct I am saying what a lot of the other PP have said it isn't a typical/traditional "shower" that has the girly decor/games.. I am saying call it a "beer for Diapers" party, "burgers beer and baby talk", "Baby is Brewing", (this one IMO is awkward but) "BaBy-Q", "bun in the oven, burgers on the grill". You do not HAVE to call it a shower, people still get the idea, and bring a gift if they want to.

Sorry everyone just started saying the "Baby It's Cold Outside" theme made them uncomfortable.... But most of of these made me think more that we were going to perhaps be serving up the unborn for a late lunch?

Jstump2 · November 2015

I forgot about how controversial that song is now. I guess I'm alone in thinking of "baby it's cold outside" as more of a phrase or saying rather than the song. I wasn't planning on having the lyrics posted or anything. The them would be more winter-themed.

artbyallie · November 2015

Jstump2 said:

I forgot about how controversial that song is now. I guess I'm alone in thinking of "baby it's cold outside" as more of a phrase or saying rather than the song. I wasn't planning on having the lyrics posted or anything. The them would be more winter-themed.

Yeah, sorry. "Say, what's in this drink?" is what's going to come to my mind (and probably many others' minds) any time I hear "baby it's cold outside." Keep the winter theme if the host likes it, lose that wording because roofies and babies don't go together.

SP29 · November 2015

Personally, I love "Baby It's Cold Outside". Particularly the Rod Stewart/ Dolly Parton and Michael Buble/ Anne Murray.

I took "Say, what's in this drink?" as the woman saying it's strong. I feel babies and alcohol coincide often enough

mollybarker11 · November 2015

The song is rape-y.

The phrase being used to evoke a wintry themed shower is cute.

redoryx · November 2015

SP29 said:

Personally, I love "Baby It's Cold Outside". Particularly the Rod Stewart/ Dolly Parton and Michael Buble/ Anne Murray.

I took "Say, what's in this drink?" as the woman saying it's strong. I feel babies and alcohol coincide often enough

That one line on its own might be innocuous. But when taken in context of a song where the woman wants to leave and the man is trying to get her to stay and saying shit like "don't hurt my pride" and "don't hold out," it's creepy and rapey as hell.

lovesclimbing · November 2015

Count me as a person who loves showers, enjoys most if not all of the games, and enjoys watching people open presents.

Couple baby shower ettiquette

Re: Couple baby shower ettiquette

Choose Another Board

Search Boards