Wedding Etiquette Forum

Guest vent

gamecockwedgamecockwed member
Knottie Warrior 10 Comments 5 Love Its
edited October 2015 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Seriously wish my friends understood etiquette and how certain etiquette fails can really hurt....
«1

Re: Guest vent

  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Why the DD?  Good job quoting!  


    image
    kimmiinthemittenrandomsloveMesmrEwespeakeasy14
  • I love these two girls to death and realized after I posted that they might be members. Despite the etiquette issues I still love them ;)
  • I think it's a wake up call to a lot of people that the choices they make hurt the feelings pig others. I'd be upset if I were you - especially in the instance of the shower.
    kimmiinthemittenAmanderson1290PrettyGirlLost
  • CMGragain said:
    I love these two girls to death and realized after I posted that they might be members. Despite the etiquette issues I still love them ;)
    If they are members are do see this, then you have done them a favor by showing them the error of their ways.  They owe a lot of people apologies.
    I doubt if they are members, or they would have known better than to behave like this.
    This!  If they were members here, they'd have been filleted for both of those situations.  It's super rude to invite people to a shower who aren't invited to the actual event - unless there is complete and full disclosure.  And, a potluck do-over, just NO!!!  It's bad enough to have been invited to a BYOB DO event not that long ago..
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Thanks everyone. I was thinking I was overreacting. I joined way back in 2003 before my first wedding. Got divorced and am planning my second wedding to my high school sweetheart. Since this y second go around Im being really careful with etiquette...

    kimmiinthemittensouthernbelle0915Blue_Bird
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Thanks everyone. I was thinking I was overreacting. I joined way back in 2003 before my first wedding. Got divorced and am planning my second wedding to my high school sweetheart. Since this y second go around Im being really careful with etiquette...

    Welcome back to the knot!  Take off your shoes and stay a while:).
    image
    SP29MesmrEwe[Deleted User]Blue_Bird
  • First off - Congrats on your wedding!

    If there's one thing that I have learned about weddings - its that everyone is entitled to the wedding they want. Although there are some time tested and true etiquette rules - and we like to see those around formal events, not everyone is super mindful of it.

    For your first friend, I can see that her deployment put her in a tough situation. Maybe she really wanted to be married and those with dangerous jobs might feel more of a push to get married quickly. A formal wedding isn't for everyone. If it's potluck - than make the best damn potluck item you know how and offer to help with set up and clean up. Show support for her alternative reception.

    Not being invited to your other friends wedding really sucks. Especially when it means so much to you to be there to witness and stand behind your friend on such a big day. But being upset over not receiving an invitation to a family-only wedding is unfair. Yes your feelings are hurt, but as long as your friend applied that guest ruling all around - it was done in a even way. It's her wedding. Also you might have found out personally from the bride if you had attended the shower...it might just be a communication issue.But if she kept it from you on purpose, maybe you can bring it up to her after her wedding and see if from her side. If that doesn't go well, perhaps re-evaluate the friendship. Weddings don't always bring out the best in people - maybe give her the benefit of the doubt till you know otherwise.
  • First off - Congrats on your wedding!

    If there's one thing that I have learned about weddings - its that everyone is entitled to the wedding they want. Although there are some time tested and true etiquette rules - and we like to see those around formal events, not everyone is super mindful of it.

    For your first friend, I can see that her deployment put her in a tough situation. Maybe she really wanted to be married and those with dangerous jobs might feel more of a push to get married quickly. A formal wedding isn't for everyone. If it's potluck - than make the best damn potluck item you know how and offer to help with set up and clean up. Show support for her alternative reception.

    It's not a problem to get married in an informal wedding.  It's the Pretty Princess Day she's having later that is the problem.  If you want to get married quickly, or at the courthouse, that's your decision.  But you can't do that AND plan a later "wedding" because it's not what you wanted.

    Why Not? Is there some rule that says you can't have more then one wedding? Or that you can't do the big fancy reception wedding later? Lots of people get married quickly or away from their home towns and have a reception or party after the fact for the people that missed out.  This seems awfully judgmental...if you want a redo than have one. I suppose your against vow renewals too?  And if you are not, then maybe just think of this as a 1 year vow renewal. 

    Not being invited to your other friends wedding really sucks. Especially when it means so much to you to be there to witness and stand behind your friend on such a big day. But being upset over not receiving an invitation to a family-only wedding is unfair. Yes your feelings are hurt, but as long as your friend applied that guest ruling all around - it was done in a even way. It's her wedding. Also you might have found out personally from the bride if you had attended the shower...it might just be a communication issue.But if she kept it from you on purpose, maybe you can bring it up to her after her wedding and see if from her side. If that doesn't go well, perhaps re-evaluate the friendship. Weddings don't always bring out the best in people - maybe give her the benefit of the doubt till you know otherwise.

    It's not that she didn't invite her to her wedding.  It's that she invited her to the shower but not the wedding.  That's a BIG mistake.  Close enough to give her a gift, but not be invited to the wedding?

    Family only - means family only. And she can decline going to the shower and giving a gift if she chose to. She is not powerless in the situation. Or she can chose not to be offended that they wanted a smaller more family-intimate wedding. You make the friend seem like she's just interested in gifts - but i know most brides are motivated by that - they just want to share whatever parts they can share. I am really amazed at how easily offended people seem to be. Aren't there any easy going people left in the world?


  • levioosa said:
    First off - Congrats on your wedding!

    THIS IS WHERE THE BOX SHOULD BE
    Agree - everything in that post is wrong. 
    If there's one thing that I have learned about weddings - its that everyone is entitled to the wedding they want. Although there are some time tested and true etiquette rules - and we like to see those around formal events, not everyone is super mindful of it.

    For your first friend, I can see that her deployment put her in a tough situation. Maybe she really wanted to be married and those with dangerous jobs might feel more of a push to get married quickly. A formal wedding isn't for everyone. If it's potluck - than make the best damn potluck item you know how and offer to help with set up and clean up. Show support for her alternative reception.

    It's not a problem to get married in an informal wedding.  It's the Pretty Princess Day she's having later that is the problem.  If you want to get married quickly, or at the courthouse, that's your decision.  But you can't do that AND plan a later "wedding" because it's not what you wanted.

    Why Not? Is there some rule that says you can't have more then one wedding? Or that you can't do the big fancy reception wedding later? Lots of people get married quickly or away from their home towns and have a reception or party after the fact for the people that missed out.  This seems awfully judgmental...if you want a redo than have one. I suppose your against vow renewals too?  And if you are not, then maybe just think of this as a 1 year vow renewal. 

    Not being invited to your other friends wedding really sucks. Especially when it means so much to you to be there to witness and stand behind your friend on such a big day. But being upset over not receiving an invitation to a family-only wedding is unfair. Yes your feelings are hurt, but as long as your friend applied that guest ruling all around - it was done in a even way. It's her wedding. Also you might have found out personally from the bride if you had attended the shower...it might just be a communication issue.But if she kept it from you on purpose, maybe you can bring it up to her after her wedding and see if from her side. If that doesn't go well, perhaps re-evaluate the friendship. Weddings don't always bring out the best in people - maybe give her the benefit of the doubt till you know otherwise.

    It's not that she didn't invite her to her wedding.  It's that she invited her to the shower but not the wedding.  That's a BIG mistake.  Close enough to give her a gift, but not be invited to the wedding?

    Family only - means family only. And she can decline going to the shower and giving a gift if she chose to. She is not powerless in the situation. Or she can chose not to be offended that they wanted a smaller more family-intimate wedding. You make the friend seem like she's just interested in gifts - but i know most brides are motivated by that - they just want to share whatever parts they can share. I am really amazed at how easily offended people seem to be. Aren't there any easy going people left in the world?


    Everything in your comment is wrong.  Everything.  This is an etiquette board and no one is going to condone what you are suggesting.  A wedding is 2 people getting married by an officiant.  The other stuff is extra and no one is entitled to it.  If you want those things you host your guests properly and they don't bring food or buy their own drinks and they don't get invited to the last half of the party after dinner for the "important people".  Have you tried Weddingbee?

    MairePoppy
  • Etiquette is extremely important and people should follow it to keep from hurt feelings.I agree with everyone and that's why I was hurt. I'm sorry but first bride did it all wrong. If she wanted to be married before she deployed there's no problem with that. What I have a problem with is the complete do over when she is not a bride anymore AND the potluck which is for both food and alcohol. Please tell me how I'm supposed to make enough food for 200 people and there are no contigiences to keep the food warm or cold. Um no

    As for the second bride-I have no problem with a family only wedding if that's what she had decided from the beginning. Here is what she did-asked for my address (which was not for the bridal shower because those were done through evites). Posted a day count on fb every day as a reminder. Created a large registry which would indicate that she was expecting a decent count for the wedding (its usually 1 or 2 gifts per anticipated guest). Then all of sudden posted that they were getting married next weekend. Literally fifty fb friends were shocked by the news. People repeatedly asked what was going on with no responses. Finally her fiance put on his timeline that due to money and stress it was easier to have a family only wedding. 

    Blue_BirdMairePoppyJen4948OliveOilsMom
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Etiquette is extremely important and people should follow it to keep from hurt feelings.I agree with everyone and that's why I was hurt. I'm sorry but first bride did it all wrong. If she wanted to be married before she deployed there's no problem with that. What I have a problem with is the complete do over when she is not a bride anymore AND the potluck which is for both food and alcohol. Please tell me how I'm supposed to make enough food for 200 people and there are no contigiences to keep the food warm or cold. Um no

    As for the second bride-I have no problem with a family only wedding if that's what she had decided from the beginning. Here is what she did-asked for my address (which was not for the bridal shower because those were done through evites). Posted a day count on fb every day as a reminder. Created a large registry which would indicate that she was expecting a decent count for the wedding (its usually 1 or 2 gifts per anticipated guest). Then all of sudden posted that they were getting married next weekend. Literally fifty fb friends were shocked by the news. People repeatedly asked what was going on with no responses. Finally her fiance put on his timeline that due to money and stress it was easier to have a family only wedding. 

    At the end of the day, you, as a guest, were hurt and offended and everyone's first priority as a host should be to avoid that by any means necessary.  In real lives when people aren't wedding crazed, they ask for forgiveness and express regret when they treat people poorly.  For some reason, you make some people a bride and behavior is a free for all and forgiveness is expected.  That, to me, is even more rude than the initial behavior.
    image
    PrettyGirlLostSP29MGPJen4948
  • Update. Wedding of second bride occurred today and I'm so upset. Remember the story that she invited me to shower, I sent a gift then they decided to make it family only. Well what appears on fb ook today but pictures of the wedding from our circle of friends. I was the only one from the entire circle of friends not invited. It really hurt seeing all the friends at a wedding that was supposed to be "family" only.
  • Thanks everyone. I was thinking I was overreacting. I joined way back in 2003 before my first wedding. Got divorced and am planning my second wedding to my high school sweetheart. Since this y second go around Im being really careful with etiquette...

    <---brings out the fluzzy slippers and mimosa...  Welcome back!  It's changed a bit around here since then but
    Update. Wedding of second bride occurred today and I'm so upset. Remember the story that she invited me to shower, I sent a gift then they decided to make it family only. Well what appears on fb ook today but pictures of the wedding from our circle of friends. I was the only one from the entire circle of friends not invited. It really hurt seeing all the friends at a wedding that was supposed to be "family" only.
    wow...  Did she REALLY think you weren't going to find out?  There are a million ways to go with this - Be mad about the shower gift and glad you now don't have to invite her to your wedding!  If she didn't want you there, that's fine, but don't invite you to a shower you're not a guest of the wedding at... 
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    JediElizabethSP29
  • MesmrEwe said:
    Thanks everyone. I was thinking I was overreacting. I joined way back in 2003 before my first wedding. Got divorced and am planning my second wedding to my high school sweetheart. Since this y second go around Im being really careful with etiquette...

    <---brings out the fluzzy slippers and mimosa...  Welcome back!  It's changed a bit around here since then but
    Update. Wedding of second bride occurred today and I'm so upset. Remember the story that she invited me to shower, I sent a gift then they decided to make it family only. Well what appears on fb ook today but pictures of the wedding from our circle of friends. I was the only one from the entire circle of friends not invited. It really hurt seeing all the friends at a wedding that was supposed to be "family" only.
    wow...  Did she REALLY think you weren't going to find out?  There are a million ways to go with this - Be mad about the shower gift and glad you now don't have to invite her to your wedding!  If she didn't want you there, that's fine, but don't invite you to a shower you're not a guest of the wedding at... 
    This. What this woman did to you is a friendship ending move in my book. I wouldn't keep her around as a friend, and I would rescind an invitation to my wedding if she had already been invited. There is absolutely no excuse to treat people like this. Ever.
    SP29PrettyGirlLostLiatris2010
  • Thankfully our wedding isn't until April so no invites. Here is my dilemma. This is my son's sensei at his dojo ( the entire dojo was there- that was the circle of friends) so my son is hurt too but he loves that dojo (he's a brown belt )
  • Several points:

    First off, to the update, I agree with others that this is a friendship-ending move. Totally unacceptable and unforgivable. I would never continue a friendship with a person like this and I wouldn't even consider inviting her to my wedding or pre-wedding events.

    Second, I have no problem with PPDs so long as all the guests know it's a PPD and you're not actually getting married. If the B&G have the money to do it and want to throw a big party and dress up in formal attire to say vows and re-enact their wedding, what do I care? I'd probably even attend if it's convenient. I don't get anyone getting offended by these if the guests know it's a re-enactment. And no, I don't believe for a second that it dismisses or insults elopements or private courthouse weddings any more than I believe that someone having a DW insults hometown weddings. Everyone has a vision for their wedding and if they have the money, then what do I care if they re-enact it? Personally, I wouldn't, but I'm not them and I don't like to dictate what others do with their money.

    As for the potluck reception, NO NO NO NO! This is wrong on so many levels. Let me guess, she'll have a cash bar too?


    JediElizabeth
  • It's more about the deception than anything else. I would personally end the friendship with second bride. Like it was a serious faux pas turning their wedding into a family only event (and we all know you should never do that in the first place) but to say oh it's family only, then have them post photos on Facebook to indicate that you were the only friend that was excluded? To me, it looks like they do not value your friendship, they clearly had the room on the guest list, accepted your gift and then lied as an excuse to uninvite you. Those don't sound like good friends. They sound like assholes at best.

    As for PPDs don't do them because the courthouse wedding wasn't the wedding you (General you) wanted, or because it didn't fit your vision. At the same time it doesn't sound like your friend is having a PPD. Yes it's insulting that she got married without people knowing but she TOLD people she got married prior to her event. Yes, your friend is wrong to have a potluck reception, but if people RSVP, and attend, they aren't being lied to. To me it's only a PPD when the couple gets married prior to the event, and lies to their guests about it. It's just AWish otherwise and a bit silly. You don't have to attend, an invitation is not a summons. Is her reasoning wrong behind having a "do-over"? Yeah, but again she's being honest and if people still want to attend, that's on them.
    kimmiinthemitten
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