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MIA Bridesmaid

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Re: MIA Bridesmaid

  • adk19 said:

    We are not having a wedding website, part of the lure of having a small destination wedding was that the planning process will not be as cumbersome and my fiancé and I have no desire to set up a website just for the wedding. The RSVP date is less than 6 weeks before the wedding. We live on the east coast, so people know by that point whether they are coming to Maui or not. If lurkers want to know when to send out invites, they can simply search that question and I'm sure the guidelines will be presented to them.

    While some people on these boards have really good, well thought out advice or ideas I think there are a lot more shades of grey that certain posters don't take into account. They see everything as black and white and there is only one way to do things, regardless of the situation. For example, I have seen the same advice presented regardless of who the situation involves. In my opinion, you have a different relationship with, say, your sister than your third cousin. As such, a different approach is needed, even if the issue is identical.

    I don't think I am so "special or unique", but I also don't believe there is just one right way to do things in all circumstances. For a destination wedding, people appreciate the details earlier than for an in-town wedding, in my opinion, because it helps their planning. This is also the feedback I have received from guests. I highly doubt anyone would feel put out or offended by receiving an invite prior to the recommended 6-8 weeks out. It's just not that big of a deal.

    I'm not offended by receiving an invite early, but I usually am a bit put-out.  Now I have this important piece of paper I have to keep somewhere for 12 weeks or longer so I don't forget times and addresses.  I already bought the freaking flight to Maui, I'm going.  I saved the date and bought a flight and booked a room.  Why do I now have to hold on to this damn piece of paper for four months?  What a hassle!


    Really?! I'm sorry, but I just don't see how it is any more of a hassle to have to hold on to a piece of paper for 12 weeks instead of 8 weeks. I usually just hang any invites on my fridge with a magnet. They look pretty and remind me of things to look forward to. Also, I don't really see how it is any more convenient to receive an earlier email with all the information to be written down as you previously suggested then a separate invitation at 8 weeks with all the same information. That just results in more things to keep track of. . .




    Jen4948spockforprez
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited November 2015
    adk19 said:

    We are not having a wedding website, part of the lure of having a small destination wedding was that the planning process will not be as cumbersome and my fiancé and I have no desire to set up a website just for the wedding. The RSVP date is less than 6 weeks before the wedding. We live on the east coast, so people know by that point whether they are coming to Maui or not. If lurkers want to know when to send out invites, they can simply search that question and I'm sure the guidelines will be presented to them.

    While some people on these boards have really good, well thought out advice or ideas I think there are a lot more shades of grey that certain posters don't take into account. They see everything as black and white and there is only one way to do things, regardless of the situation. For example, I have seen the same advice presented regardless of who the situation involves. In my opinion, you have a different relationship with, say, your sister than your third cousin. As such, a different approach is needed, even if the issue is identical.

    I don't think I am so "special or unique", but I also don't believe there is just one right way to do things in all circumstances. For a destination wedding, people appreciate the details earlier than for an in-town wedding, in my opinion, because it helps their planning. This is also the feedback I have received from guests. I highly doubt anyone would feel put out or offended by receiving an invite prior to the recommended 6-8 weeks out. It's just not that big of a deal.

    I'm not offended by receiving an invite early, but I usually am a bit put-out.  Now I have this important piece of paper I have to keep somewhere for 12 weeks or longer so I don't forget times and addresses.  I already bought the freaking flight to Maui, I'm going.  I saved the date and bought a flight and booked a room.  Why do I now have to hold on to this damn piece of paper for four months?  What a hassle!


    Really?! I'm sorry, but I just don't see how it is any more of a hassle to have to hold on to a piece of paper for 12 weeks instead of 8 weeks. I usually just hang any invites on my fridge with a magnet. They look pretty and remind me of things to look forward to. Also, I don't really see how it is any more convenient to receive an earlier email with all the information to be written down as you previously suggested then a separate invitation at 8 weeks with all the same information. That just results in more things to keep track of. . .




    Twelve weeks out would actually be considered normal in my social circle. Three or four months is too early. But you're right, it's no big deal that the invitation will be on my fridge for an extra month or whatever. An early RSVP date would annoy the hell out of me though. I had a bride that put her due date for three months before the wedding. She also 'needed' to know if we would be staying in one of the hotel blocks three months in advance. THEN...she and her mom started calling for RSVPs two weeks before the due date.  That's absurd. 

    edit - math is hard.
                       
    lc07SP29
  • adk19 said:

    We are not having a wedding website, part of the lure of having a small destination wedding was that the planning process will not be as cumbersome and my fiancé and I have no desire to set up a website just for the wedding. The RSVP date is less than 6 weeks before the wedding. We live on the east coast, so people know by that point whether they are coming to Maui or not. If lurkers want to know when to send out invites, they can simply search that question and I'm sure the guidelines will be presented to them.

    While some people on these boards have really good, well thought out advice or ideas I think there are a lot more shades of grey that certain posters don't take into account. They see everything as black and white and there is only one way to do things, regardless of the situation. For example, I have seen the same advice presented regardless of who the situation involves. In my opinion, you have a different relationship with, say, your sister than your third cousin. As such, a different approach is needed, even if the issue is identical.

    I don't think I am so "special or unique", but I also don't believe there is just one right way to do things in all circumstances. For a destination wedding, people appreciate the details earlier than for an in-town wedding, in my opinion, because it helps their planning. This is also the feedback I have received from guests. I highly doubt anyone would feel put out or offended by receiving an invite prior to the recommended 6-8 weeks out. It's just not that big of a deal.

    I'm not offended by receiving an invite early, but I usually am a bit put-out.  Now I have this important piece of paper I have to keep somewhere for 12 weeks or longer so I don't forget times and addresses.  I already bought the freaking flight to Maui, I'm going.  I saved the date and bought a flight and booked a room.  Why do I now have to hold on to this damn piece of paper for four months?  What a hassle!


    Really?! I'm sorry, but I just don't see how it is any more of a hassle to have to hold on to a piece of paper for 12 weeks instead of 8 weeks. I usually just hang any invites on my fridge with a magnet. They look pretty and remind me of things to look forward to. Also, I don't really see how it is any more convenient to receive an earlier email with all the information to be written down as you previously suggested then a separate invitation at 8 weeks with all the same information. That just results in more things to keep track of. . .




    One.  An email is in my inbox.  I look at the email, then book my flight.  I look at the email, then book my hotel.  I put the event on my google calendar.  And the email is still in my inbox if I need it.

    Two.  Wonderful that you have wedding invitations decorating your fridge.  I don't.  I have nothing on my fridge.  I find visual clutter to be distracting and don't put invitations to weddings or birthday parties or anything else on my fridge.
  • adk19 said:

    We are not having a wedding website, part of the lure of having a small destination wedding was that the planning process will not be as cumbersome and my fiancé and I have no desire to set up a website just for the wedding. The RSVP date is less than 6 weeks before the wedding. We live on the east coast, so people know by that point whether they are coming to Maui or not. If lurkers want to know when to send out invites, they can simply search that question and I'm sure the guidelines will be presented to them.

    While some people on these boards have really good, well thought out advice or ideas I think there are a lot more shades of grey that certain posters don't take into account. They see everything as black and white and there is only one way to do things, regardless of the situation. For example, I have seen the same advice presented regardless of who the situation involves. In my opinion, you have a different relationship with, say, your sister than your third cousin. As such, a different approach is needed, even if the issue is identical.

    I don't think I am so "special or unique", but I also don't believe there is just one right way to do things in all circumstances. For a destination wedding, people appreciate the details earlier than for an in-town wedding, in my opinion, because it helps their planning. This is also the feedback I have received from guests. I highly doubt anyone would feel put out or offended by receiving an invite prior to the recommended 6-8 weeks out. It's just not that big of a deal.

    I'm not offended by receiving an invite early, but I usually am a bit put-out.  Now I have this important piece of paper I have to keep somewhere for 12 weeks or longer so I don't forget times and addresses.  I already bought the freaking flight to Maui, I'm going.  I saved the date and bought a flight and booked a room.  Why do I now have to hold on to this damn piece of paper for four months?  What a hassle!
    Why do you have to hold on to the damn piece of paper for four months? There's nothing stopping you from returning it early.

    I understand true etiquette faux pas, but sometimes it seems like people are just looking for things to gripe about.
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited November 2015
    T19103 said:
    Girls!!  Please. Play nice.  First of all, for destination weddings, the invitations (full formal invitations) need to be sent out as early as possible. People need to know everything about the wedding as soon as possible to get time off work, airline tickets, hotel info, babysitters, dates, etc. 

    The advice that you sent out the invitations too early is WRONG.  Just ignore it.  The worse thing is to get a wedding invitation to somewhere far with no time to plan.

    IGNORE ALL THE RUDE COMMENTS!!!
    This is bad advice.  You need to send out Save the Dates for destination weddings, with formal invitations to follow about 8 weeks before the wedding.  Save the Dates are for the purpose of letting people make their travel plans ahead of time.  They can be as simple as a post card.  Once you send an STD, you MUST follow it up with an invitation, or cancel the wedding.
    There is nothing the OP can do, now that she has made this faux-pas, but other people might read this thread and learn from it.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    InLoveInQueens[Deleted User]
  • CMGragain said:
    T19103 said:
    Girls!!  Please. Play nice.  First of all, for destination weddings, the invitations (full formal invitations) need to be sent out as early as possible. People need to know everything about the wedding as soon as possible to get time off work, airline tickets, hotel info, babysitters, dates, etc. 

    The advice that you sent out the invitations too early is WRONG.  Just ignore it.  The worse thing is to get a wedding invitation to somewhere far with no time to plan.

    IGNORE ALL THE RUDE COMMENTS!!!
    This is bad advice.  You need to send out Save the Dates for destination weddings, with formal invitations to follow about 8 weeks before the wedding.  Save the Dates are for the purpose of letting people make their travel plans ahead of time.  They can be as simple as a post card.  Once you send an STD, you MUST follow it up with an invitation, or cancel the wedding.
    Why? I'm truly asking. What is the big deal that everyone's having a fit over this detail?
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited November 2015

    CMGragain said:
    T19103 said:
    Girls!!  Please. Play nice.  First of all, for destination weddings, the invitations (full formal invitations) need to be sent out as early as possible. People need to know everything about the wedding as soon as possible to get time off work, airline tickets, hotel info, babysitters, dates, etc. 

    The advice that you sent out the invitations too early is WRONG.  Just ignore it.  The worse thing is to get a wedding invitation to somewhere far with no time to plan.

    IGNORE ALL THE RUDE COMMENTS!!!
    This is bad advice.  You need to send out Save the Dates for destination weddings, with formal invitations to follow about 8 weeks before the wedding.  Save the Dates are for the purpose of letting people make their travel plans ahead of time.  They can be as simple as a post card.  Once you send an STD, you MUST follow it up with an invitation, or cancel the wedding.
    Why? I'm truly asking. What is the big deal that everyone's having a fit over this detail?
    The invitations rules are there for a reason.  The biggest reason is that guests will likely lose the invitation during the long period of time in which they have to give their formal reply.
    The invitation is a formal note from the hosts to the guests, stating who, what, when and where, and requesting a reply.  The STD is informal, and it does not request a reply.  It is a courtesy from the hosts to the guests, notifying them that the formal invitation will be coming, so that they can make necessary plans.  Two different things.

    @T19103 has only made eight posts on The Knot, but every one of them advocates throwing all etiquette rules into the trash can.  (Yes, she said that!)  If this is truly the way that you feel, The Knot is probably not the right place for you to post opinions.  The rules do exist.  We don't make them up.  You can read them in any established etiquette guide.  Many of your guests already know these rules.  Most of us are here to give correct advice to brides who are trying to plan their wedding.  It doesn't help anyone to say "Do whatever you want to.  It's your day!"  (No, it isn't.  Not when you are inviting guests.)
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    [Deleted User]SP29
  • CMGragain said:

    CMGragain said:
    T19103 said:
    Girls!!  Please. Play nice.  First of all, for destination weddings, the invitations (full formal invitations) need to be sent out as early as possible. People need to know everything about the wedding as soon as possible to get time off work, airline tickets, hotel info, babysitters, dates, etc. 

    The advice that you sent out the invitations too early is WRONG.  Just ignore it.  The worse thing is to get a wedding invitation to somewhere far with no time to plan.

    IGNORE ALL THE RUDE COMMENTS!!!
    This is bad advice.  You need to send out Save the Dates for destination weddings, with formal invitations to follow about 8 weeks before the wedding.  Save the Dates are for the purpose of letting people make their travel plans ahead of time.  They can be as simple as a post card.  Once you send an STD, you MUST follow it up with an invitation, or cancel the wedding.
    Why? I'm truly asking. What is the big deal that everyone's having a fit over this detail?
    The invitations rules are there for a reason.  The biggest reason is that guests will likely lose the invitation during the long period of time in which they have to give their formal reply.
    The invitation is a formal note from the hosts to the guests, stating who, what, when and where, and requesting a reply.  The STD is informal, and it does not request a reply.  It is a courtesy from the hosts to the guests, notifying them that the formal invitation will be coming, so that they can make necessary plans.  Two different things.

    @T19103 has only made eight posts on The Knot, but every one of them advocates throwing all etiquette rules into the trash can.  (Yes, she said that!)  If this is truly the way that you feel, The Knot is probably not the right place for you to post opinions.  The rules do exist.  We don't make them up.  You can read them in any established etiquette guide.  Many of your guests already know these rules.  Most of us are here to give correct advice to brides who are trying to plan their wedding.  It doesn't help anyone to say "Do whatever you want to.  It's your day!"  (No, it isn't.  Not when you are inviting guests.)
    Some etiquette rules matter and other times, they don't. In this case, I don't see how it puts anyone out or hurts anyone to send them out early. The guests can decide when they want to RSVP like the, you know, adults they are. There is really is no difference between me getting an invitation to your wedding 8 weeks before or 12 weeks before. I wouldn't think anything about it. I would RSVP whenever I knew if I was attending and that would be the end of it. So long as you don't move up the RSVP date, it shouldn't matter the least bit.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited November 2015
    Some etiquette rules matter and other times, they don't. In this case, I don't see how it puts anyone out or hurts anyone to send them out early. The guests can decide when they want to RSVP like the, you know, adults they are. There is really is no difference between me getting an invitation to your wedding 8 weeks before or 12 weeks before. I wouldn't think anything about it. I would RSVP whenever I knew if I was attending and that would be the end of it. So long as you don't move up the RSVP date, it shouldn't matter the least bit.
    In this case, sending out the invitations early has created a problem for OP. She is now worried because her bm hasn't responded to the invitation and is wondering if that means she isn't planning to attend. Her bm, most likely, hasn't responded because there's no need to RSVP so far out. 

    The more important thought is 'I haven't heard from my dear friend for over a month. I think I'll give her a call to see what's going on in her life.'  
    Why? I'm truly asking. What is the big deal that everyone's having a fit over this detail?
    None of us have had fits over the invitation question. No one. In fact a few people have said 'what's done is done, let's move on' or something like that.  You have asked the same question several times and have recieved the same reply. Why do we keep giving the same answer? Because this is an etiquette board and the members who post here give answers which are based on traditional etiquette. It's up to anyone reading to decide if they want to do things correctly or not. 
                       
    InLoveInQueens[Deleted User]SP29
  • Some etiquette rules matter and other times, they don't. In this case, I don't see how it puts anyone out or hurts anyone to send them out early. The guests can decide when they want to RSVP like the, you know, adults they are. There is really is no difference between me getting an invitation to your wedding 8 weeks before or 12 weeks before. I wouldn't think anything about it. I would RSVP whenever I knew if I was attending and that would be the end of it. So long as you don't move up the RSVP date, it shouldn't matter the least bit.
    In this case, sending out the invitations early has created a problem for OP. She is now worried because her bm hasn't responded to the invitation and is wondering if that means she isn't planning to attend. Her bm, most likely, hasn't responded because there's no need to RSVP so far out. 

    The more important thought is 'I haven't heard from my dear friend for over a month. I think I'll give her a call to see what's going on in her life.'  
    Why? I'm truly asking. What is the big deal that everyone's having a fit over this detail?
    None of us have had fits over the invitation question. No one. In fact a few people have said 'what's done is done, let's move on' or something like that.  You have asked the same question several times and have recieved the same reply. Why do we keep giving the same answer? Because this is an etiquette board and the members who post here give answers which are based on traditional etiquette. It's up to anyone reading to decide if they want to do things correctly or not. 
    It's created an UNNECESSARY problem for the OP. It has more to do with her own issues than the invites going out early. As to why I keep asking, I asked the question ONE time, not several. The other posts by me were opinions, not me asking the same question, so no, I didn't keep asking. As to etiquette, as I've said, I fail to see where this is an etiquette issue as I don't find it the least bit rude to send invites out early. This is more an issue of "this is how it's always been, so this is how it should be" in my opinion.
    InLoveInQueens
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers


    CMGragain said:




    CMGragain said:


    T19103 said:

    Girls!!  Please. Play nice.  First of all, for destination weddings, the invitations (full formal invitations) need to be sent out as early as possible. People need to know everything about the wedding as soon as possible to get time off work, airline tickets, hotel info, babysitters, dates, etc. 

    The advice that you sent out the invitations too early is WRONG.  Just ignore it.  The worse thing is to get a wedding invitation to somewhere far with no time to plan.

    IGNORE ALL THE RUDE COMMENTS!!!

    This is bad advice.  You need to send out Save the Dates for destination weddings, with formal invitations to follow about 8 weeks before the wedding.  Save the Dates are for the purpose of letting people make their travel plans ahead of time.  They can be as simple as a post card.  Once you send an STD, you MUST follow it up with an invitation, or cancel the wedding.

    Why? I'm truly asking. What is the big deal that everyone's having a fit over this detail?

    The invitations rules are there for a reason.  The biggest reason is that guests will likely lose the invitation during the long period of time in which they have to give their formal reply.
    The invitation is a formal note from the hosts to the guests, stating who, what, when and where, and requesting a reply.  The STD is informal, and it does not request a reply.  It is a courtesy from the hosts to the guests, notifying them that the formal invitation will be coming, so that they can make necessary plans.  Two different things.

    @T19103 has only made eight posts on The Knot, but every one of them advocates throwing all etiquette rules into the trash can.  (Yes, she said that!)  If this is truly the way that you feel, The Knot is probably not the right place for you to post opinions.  The rules do exist.  We don't make them up.  You can read them in any established etiquette guide.  Many of your guests already know these rules.  Most of us are here to give correct advice to brides who are trying to plan their wedding.  It doesn't help anyone to say "Do whatever you want to.  It's your day!"  (No, it isn't.  Not when you are inviting guests.)



    Some etiquette rules matter and other times, they don't. In this case, I don't see how it puts anyone out or hurts anyone to send them out early. The guests can decide when they want to RSVP like the, you know, adults they are. There is really is no difference between me getting an invitation to your wedding 8 weeks before or 12 weeks before. I wouldn't think anything about it. I would RSVP whenever I knew if I was attending and that would be the end of it. So long as you don't move up the RSVP date, it shouldn't matter the least bit.


    I'm the reason you don't send invitations early.

    I'm a bad RSVPer. I know; I'm 35, it should be simple. But I lose everything, especially mail. I've called for the name of the banquet hall while driving to showers. I've purchased gifts the morning of because I forgot. Your registry? I probably just went to every common stores website and searched to figure out which one it was. Hell, I'm the person who types a text and forgets to hits send. Send me your invitation before I'm 100% sure I'm attending and it may as well have been printed on vapor.

    But if I have a STD, I know for sure I'm invited and won't feel awkward reaching out when I lose it to make arrangements before the invites go out, if needed. That's the entire point of the STD (mine cost me less than $.70 each with postage too).

    And I don't get the time investment/personal reasons against the website. If you don't want one then that's the reason, don't make something up. Mine is pretty and informational because I didnt have much planning to do at that point and wanted to have wedding fun but I didn't need to. I could have just input the information onto one free page. And FI is a HS teacher with a weird and very searchable last name. We made ours on Wedding Wire so if any students/parents google him the page doesn't show up.
    image
    InLoveInQueensryanandjoe4[Deleted User]

  • I'm the reason you don't send invitations early. I'm a bad RSVPer. I know; I'm 35, it should be simple. But I lose everything, especially mail. I've called for the name of the banquet hall while driving to showers. I've purchased gifts the morning of because I forgot. Your registry? I probably just went to every common stores website and searched to figure out which one it was. Hell, I'm the person who types a text and forgets to hits send. Send me your invitation before I'm 100% sure I'm attending and it may as well have been printed on vapor. But if I have a STD, I know for sure I'm invited and won't feel awkward reaching out when I lose it to make arrangements before the invites go out, if needed. That's the entire point of the STD (mine cost me less than $.70 each with postage too). And I don't get the time investment/personal reasons against the website. If you don't want one then that's the reason, don't make something up. Mine is pretty and informational because I didnt have much planning to do at that point and wanted to have wedding fun but I didn't need to. I could have just input the information onto one free page. And FI is a HS teacher with a weird and very searchable last name. We made ours on Wedding Wire so if any students/parents google him the page doesn't show up.
    First of all, if your memory is bad and you lose things, you're just as likely to lose it 8 weeks prior as you are 12 weeks prior. I mean, you're talking about forgetting things on the day of, so it isn't like 8 weeks prior to the date is magically going to fix that for you. That's kind of on you. Secondly, people don't have wedding websites for all sorts of reasons and it's not really fair of you to accuse them of making something up just because your life experiences might be different. FYI, due to my former profession, I have a restraining order against a stalker who (hopefully) has no idea where I am right now. Some of my distant family doesn't even know where I am or that I'm getting married because of the convoluted connection between them and said stalker. My life for the past 4-5 years has been one of anonymity for a reason and the last thing I want is to plaster our names and faces on the web for a wedding ceremony when there is no reason why I should (I know, I know, you can do a password-protected website; I choose not to because I've learned the hard way that password-protected isn't always password-protected). Maybe you've never dealt with these issues -- be thankful for that. But don't accuse others of making things up just because it hasn't been your experience.
    SP29
  • I understand why you have a problem with the wedding website, @GlamQueenBride, but I don't understand why you have a problem with STDs.  They solve the problem of notifying people early.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    InLoveInQueensSP29
  • CMGragain said:
    I understand why you have a problem with the wedding website, @GlamQueenBride, but I don't understand why you have a problem with STDs.  They solve the problem of notifying people early.
    I plan to send STDs, don't get me wrong. I'm not arguing that I'm going to send invites early. I just don't see the problem in doing so. In my case, I know I won't have all the logistics worked out by the time the STDs go out so if I chose to send invites out a few weeks early, I wouldn't see the big deal in that.
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    @glamqueenbride, you have asked the following question, and I was simply offering a different perspective from yours in response to the question. The longer I'm expected to hold onto something, the greater the chances of me losing it.  I never pretended it was someone elses fault that I lose things.

    Why? I'm truly asking. What is the big deal that everyone's having a fit over this detail?

    My intention was never to accuse you of anything.  You made a very vague statement (you "refuse to [have a wedding website] for personal reasons." ) This makes it difficult to respond to.  Had you simply said, that despite the option for a password protected websites, you still don't trust the security and privacy, it would be a different story.  Like I said, we chose a site that doesn't publish last names to protect against Google searches, but I don't have the additional worry about it being forwarded into the wrong hands.

    A friend needed to keep her wedding private for security reasons (her FI's father was murdered by his business partner and he got our of prison the year prior and was trying to find out where the event was taking place) so I know that is tough.  I also hope you are hiring security for the day of.
    image

  • @glamqueenbride, you have asked the following question, and I was simply offering a different perspective from yours in response to the question. The longer I'm expected to hold onto something, the greater the chances of me losing it.  I never pretended it was someone elses fault that I lose things.

    Why? I'm truly asking. What is the big deal that everyone's having a fit over this detail?

    My intention was never to accuse you of anything.  You made a very vague statement (you "refuse to [have a wedding website] for personal reasons." ) This makes it difficult to respond to.  Had you simply said, that despite the option for a password protected websites, you still don't trust the security and privacy, it would be a different story.  Like I said, we chose a site that doesn't publish last names to protect against Google searches, but I don't have the additional worry about it being forwarded into the wrong hands.

    A friend needed to keep her wedding private for security reasons (her FI's father was murdered by his business partner and he got our of prison the year prior and was trying to find out where the event was taking place) so I know that is tough.  I also hope you are hiring security for the day of.
    WHAT?! I just have to say that if my dads murder showed up to my wedding he wouldn't have survived the night..
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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers




    @glamqueenbride, you have asked the following question, and I was simply offering a different perspective from yours in response to the question. The longer I'm expected to hold onto something, the greater the chances of me losing it.  I never pretended it was someone elses fault that I lose things.

    Why? I'm truly asking. What is the big deal that everyone's having a fit over this detail?

    My intention was never to accuse you of anything.  You made a very vague statement (you "refuse to [have a wedding website] for personal reasons." ) This makes it difficult to respond to.  Had you simply said, that despite the option for a password protected websites, you still don't trust the security and privacy, it would be a different story.  Like I said, we chose a site that doesn't publish last names to protect against Google searches, but I don't have the additional worry about it being forwarded into the wrong hands.

    A friend needed to keep her wedding private for security reasons (her FI's father was murdered by his business partner and he got our of prison the year prior and was trying to find out where the event was taking place) so I know that is tough.  I also hope you are hiring security for the day of.

    WHAT?! I just have to say that if my dads murder showed up to my wedding he wouldn't have survived the night..


    Thankfully he didn't. They had a private shuttle take all guests to the main hall and notified the country club's security and hired additional security for the door, just in case. Everyone had a photo of the guy too.

    When the other brother was married down South the previous year, he threatened the same thing and for my friends wedding was "asking around." They spread the word that they didn't want details published in advance and made sure people couldn't post on their facebook walls leading up to it as well. He was a family friend/business partner who tried to take off with all of the profits.
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  • UPDATE: I finally was able to meet up with my friend last weekend. Like I thought, some unexpected expenses had popped up for her and she is no longer able to make the trip and didn't know how to tell me. In this instance, I think sending the invitations early actually helped both me and her, because she was able to take inventory over what the trip would entail and let me know that it wasn't going to work out sooner rather than later.
    [Deleted User]
  • UPDATE: I finally was able to meet up with my friend last weekend. Like I thought, some unexpected expenses had popped up for her and she is no longer able to make the trip and didn't know how to tell me. In this instance, I think sending the invitations early actually helped both me and her, because she was able to take inventory over what the trip would entail and let me know that it wasn't going to work out sooner rather than later.

    Sorry but I don't see how sending invites early helped her to figure out her financial situation. You asked her to be in the wedding. I am assuming she knew where it was taking place after you asked her. She didn't need an invitation to help deduce that a trip to Hawaii would not work financially for her.
    I think that receiving a formal invitation definitely makes things "more real", so to speak, and that the receipt of an invite can prompt someone to make a full assessment of their ability to attend that they might otherwise have put off doing. Some people had previously made the comment that my sending out invites early created unnecessary problems for myself, but I think it actually had the opposite effect. Regardless, I am not trying to promote when others should or should not send out invites, just stating that in my particular case it made sense/ worked out well to send them early.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I'm with Maggie on this. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • UPDATE: I finally was able to meet up with my friend last weekend. Like I thought, some unexpected expenses had popped up for her and she is no longer able to make the trip and didn't know how to tell me. In this instance, I think sending the invitations early actually helped both me and her, because she was able to take inventory over what the trip would entail and let me know that it wasn't going to work out sooner rather than later.
    Sorry but I don't see how sending invites early helped her to figure out her financial situation. You asked her to be in the wedding. I am assuming she knew where it was taking place after you asked her. She didn't need an invitation to help deduce that a trip to Hawaii would not work financially for her.
    I think that receiving a formal invitation definitely makes things "more real", so to speak, and that the receipt of an invite can prompt someone to make a full assessment of their ability to attend that they might otherwise have put off doing. Some people had previously made the comment that my sending out invites early created unnecessary problems for myself, but I think it actually had the opposite effect. Regardless, I am not trying to promote when others should or should not send out invites, just stating that in my particular case it made sense/ worked out well to send them early.
    Maybe for a guest, but for a BM, not so much. I think being asked to be in someone's wedding has already made your wedding "more real" then just being a possible guest. I really doubt her receiving the invite had anything to do with her deciding she could not afford to attend. She probably had been considering it for a while now and was just trying to find a way to tell you.
    Hmm, I respectfully disagree. To clarify, by "make a full assessment of their ability to attend" I was talking about actually pricing things out and booking them. ie hotel, plane ticket. Hawaii, Maui in particular, is one of those places that can often cause sticker shock to people. While someone may have an idea of what the trip will cost, the actual price of hotel and ticket could exceed their initial consideration. In that sense, the formal invitation prompts the realization that the trip actually needs to be booked and shortly (for the procrastinators among us, myself included) and, during the process of beginning to make travel arrangements, the realization that the trip exceeds a reasonable budget for that individual.

     I don't believe every wedding rule is one size fits all. Given that my wedding involves travel arrangements that realistically have to be made at or before three months before the wedding (this is especially true for Maui during the high tourist season winter because price gouging begins to kick in once hotels/airlines near full capacity) I think it made sense to send the wedding invites earlier than the recommended 6-8 week mark. Given that I actually know this particular friend and know the full conversation that we had, I do think that her receiving the formal invite did play a part in her realizing she couldn't make it and telling me now instead of 6 weeks before the wedding. For other people, it might make more sense to send invites at 5 or 6 weeks. Hell, some people plan their wedding in less than 6 weeks! Different strokes for different folks :-)  
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    UPDATE: I finally was able to meet up with my friend last weekend. Like I thought, some unexpected expenses had popped up for her and she is no longer able to make the trip and didn't know how to tell me. In this instance, I think sending the invitations early actually helped both me and her, because she was able to take inventory over what the trip would entail and let me know that it wasn't going to work out sooner rather than later.
    Sorry but I don't see how sending invites early helped her to figure out her financial situation. You asked her to be in the wedding. I am assuming she knew where it was taking place after you asked her. She didn't need an invitation to help deduce that a trip to Hawaii would not work financially for her.
    I think that receiving a formal invitation definitely makes things "more real", so to speak, and that the receipt of an invite can prompt someone to make a full assessment of their ability to attend that they might otherwise have put off doing. Some people had previously made the comment that my sending out invites early created unnecessary problems for myself, but I think it actually had the opposite effect. Regardless, I am not trying to promote when others should or should not send out invites, just stating that in my particular case it made sense/ worked out well to send them early.
    Maybe for a guest, but for a BM, not so much. I think being asked to be in someone's wedding has already made your wedding "more real" then just being a possible guest. I really doubt her receiving the invite had anything to do with her deciding she could not afford to attend. She probably had been considering it for a while now and was just trying to find a way to tell you.
    Hmm, I respectfully disagree. To clarify, by "make a full assessment of their ability to attend" I was talking about actually pricing things out and booking them. ie hotel, plane ticket. Hawaii, Maui in particular, is one of those places that can often cause sticker shock to people. While someone may have an idea of what the trip will cost, the actual price of hotel and ticket could exceed their initial consideration. In that sense, the formal invitation prompts the realization that the trip actually needs to be booked and shortly (for the procrastinators among us, myself included) and, during the process of beginning to make travel arrangements, the realization that the trip exceeds a reasonable budget for that individual.

     I don't believe every wedding rule is one size fits all. Given that my wedding involves travel arrangements that realistically have to be made at or before three months before the wedding (this is especially true for Maui during the high tourist season winter because price gouging begins to kick in once hotels/airlines near full capacity) I think it made sense to send the wedding invites earlier than the recommended 6-8 week mark. Given that I actually know this particular friend and know the full conversation that we had, I do think that her receiving the formal invite did play a part in her realizing she couldn't make it and telling me now instead of 6 weeks before the wedding. For other people, it might make more sense to send invites at 5 or 6 weeks. Hell, some people plan their wedding in less than 6 weeks! Different strokes for different folks :-)  
    And you don't think your friend, who you asked to be a BM, didn't look into the prices of things BEFORE she got your invite?  I am sorry, but that is very hard to believe.  If I was asked to be a BM in your wedding, then I 1) already know that I am invited, 2) will need to start budgeting, especially for travel costs and 3) start researching the hell out of where I am going so I know exactly how much it is going to cost me.  I am certainly not going to wait for a freaking invitation to get me to start doing this.

    And again, in regards to the second bolded, that is what STDs are for!  You send STDs that note the location and date of your wedding and most normal people will start looking into to it PRIOR to getting your invite.  When they get the STD they know that they are invited and they don't need the formal invite to book their trip.

    I think your friend receiving the formal invite pushed her to finally tell you that she couldn't afford it because she realized she was running out of time to tell you.  But I do not think, for one second, that she waited until she got the invitation to do any sort of research on the cost of this trip.

    At this point you really are grasping at straws.

    InLoveInQueenskimmiinthemitten[Deleted User]
  • Haha, I just noticed your signature line. Enjoy your fun hobby of being rude to random strangers on the internet :-) I hope you have a very happy marriage. 
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