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bridesmaid question

augsum15augsum15 member
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in Wedding Party
I'm a bridesmaid in my friends wedding next year, and she already picked out the dress and colour for all of us (we didn't go looking or try anything on, she just picked it out). She's made a couple comments that she might pay for part of it or all of it or as part of our "bridesmaid gift" or something. But I'm still not really sure.

So my question is, is it okay for me to flat out ask say "Are you paying for the dress or are we, and also how much is it if I am?" or something like that? 
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Re: bridesmaid question

  • 100yroldblinddog100yroldblinddog member
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    Ooof. Sort of uncool that your friend is being like this.

    She really should've done you the kindness of keeping you and the other BMs involved in this in a more concrete way. As the bride, she can select the dress she wants you to wear, but that's after considering each BM's budget or definitively deciding if she will be gifting the dresses. And ideally, considering body types. Everyone wants to feel good in their dress.

    I think the best way to broach the topic (which you definitely should) would be to tell her something along the lines of "hey, I want to make sure my budget matches your dress vision. What's your plan?"

    This way you'll get an answer and remind her that she needs to be mindful of her friends' wallets.
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  • augsum15augsum15 member
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    It's $155. She already put the deposit down on them and said we can pay her back whenever. She sent everyone a message tonight.

    I guess I'm just upset we were just told and given a bill almost. It's not like it's super expensive but it's surprising when she wasn't forth coming. And I don't know if she spoke to anyone else about budgets but she didn't bring it up in any of our convos. She's a really sweet girl, I feel bad being upset over this. I don't really know what to do. When I was planning my wedding I spoke to each girl about the budget and then took them all to look at dresses so we could find something everyone loved.
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  • augsum15augsum15 member
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    What I'm most upset about was about it all being unclear. The only times we spoke about it she mentioned once maybe paying for half, and another time buying them herself. And I spoke once with my friend/her moh about it and she thought the dresses were only $30 by how their convo went, and I thought they were a little over $100 cuz she never told us. The dresses are being made by a woman she knows so it's quite possible that would include alterations if any. But again it's just been unclear. I might tell her that it's gonna take me some time to budget accordingly because I wasn't expect to pay that, and in the future is appreciate being spoken with about any costs being paid out.
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    I think you  need to talk with her but I also think you need to cut her some slack.   A lot of brides just don't know that you should consult your wedding party about these things.   They're doing what they see others do.   That doesn't make it right, but I think you need to judge intent and that can tell you how to approach her.

    Personally I'd ask if she can please confirm how much the dress is and then I'd advise that your attire budget is X.   FWIW, I can't see $30 even covering the material for your average dress.  
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    What is your budget for this dress? If she had asked you in the beginning like she should have, what would you have said?

    It sucks that she didn't ask you and it really sucks that she's been unclear about this. Instead of being wishy-washy and telling her you need some time, I think you should just be direct. "Friend, I have only budgeted X for a BM dress, including alterations. I wish we'd discussed this before you chose the dress, but I'm not going to be able to pay more than X. You mentioned paying for some or all of the dress, is that still your intention? Otherwise, we're going to have to come up with another solution." 
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    MyNameIsNot said:
    What is your budget for this dress? If she had asked you in the beginning like she should have, what would you have said?

    It sucks that she didn't ask you and it really sucks that she's been unclear about this. Instead of being wishy-washy and telling her you need some time, I think you should just be direct. "Friend, I have only budgeted X for a BM dress, including alterations. I wish we'd discussed this before you chose the dress, but I'm not going to be able to pay more than X. You mentioned paying for some or all of the dress, is that still your intention? Otherwise, we're going to have to come up with another solution." 
    I would absolutely do this.  "Friend, if you had asked prior to selecting the dress, I would have informed you that my budget for a dress is $100 including alterations."  If she insists on charging you the full $155, that extra $55 would be coming out of her gift.
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    adk19 said:
    MyNameIsNot said:
    What is your budget for this dress? If she had asked you in the beginning like she should have, what would you have said?

    It sucks that she didn't ask you and it really sucks that she's been unclear about this. Instead of being wishy-washy and telling her you need some time, I think you should just be direct. "Friend, I have only budgeted X for a BM dress, including alterations. I wish we'd discussed this before you chose the dress, but I'm not going to be able to pay more than X. You mentioned paying for some or all of the dress, is that still your intention? Otherwise, we're going to have to come up with another solution." 
    I would absolutely do this.  "Friend, if you had asked prior to selecting the dress, I would have informed you that my budget for a dress is $100 including alterations."  If she insists on charging you the full $155, that extra $55 would be coming out of her gift.
    This.

    Contact her and ask for specifics- how much is the dress?  Are alterations included? If not, how much does your seamstress charge for alterations?  Does the seamstress need to take your measurements in person?  She really should- very few people have proportions that exactly match patterns.

    Then, be honest and up front with your friend about what your actual attire budget would have been, if she had asked in advance, and let her know that is a firm budget so if she has already exceeded it with the cost of this dress you will not be buying any additional items for her wedding- no shoes, jewelry, you'll make your own arrangements for having your hair and makeup done, etc.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • augsum15augsum15 member
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    It's honestly not about how much it is, it's just feeling blindsided and unclear about what was going on. I just feel frustrated that I was told one thing one time and then out of the blue told another thing! I just wanna make sure she discusses anything else with us first in the future (ie hair make up etc.... She already told us "black shoes, whatever you want" no requirement other than black).

    Like I mentioned before, other than the dress for my BMs the only things I absolutely wanted them to have done, I paid for. Everything else I gave them options.

    I talked to my husband and he said I should just let it go and not cause any drama lol I obviously don't want to cause any drama, I just don't want things coming at me out of left field!
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  • augsum15augsum15 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    PoodleDoodleOoo said:

    I would just say something along those lines then. "Oh! That is surprising! I wasn't sure what to expect regarding the dress price, but I think I can make that work. Could you please make sure to inform me of costs for things I might need to contribute to, like hair or makeup or accessories, BEFORE you make a decision or put any money down? I want to make sure it all fits in my budget, and would hate to find out afterwards that I can't afford what you have planned."


    Thanks, I think if I do say anything it'll be along those lines. I'm not out to be a jerk or anything, which is why I wanted some input first, and I knew I'd get some great unbiased opinions here! Hubby just wants peace and doesn't like confronting people ever lol
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    Being blindsided with the "I'm Buying" to "That'll be $155" is absolutely frustrating!!!  It's absolutely worth picking up the phone to say "hey, I need time to come up with that amount of money because I had originally only budgeted $$ for the dress, then thought I wasn't going to have to worry about it, so now I need to come up with the money... But, in the future, can you please be up front about any costs or ask because I don't have a money tree so need advance notice!" and be on a positive note because as @scribe95 mentioned, the asking about budgets is a relatively new concept when it comes to all things WP expenses and some brides just don't realize this (along with about a million other basic etiquette type things..).. 

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  • augsum15augsum15 member
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    MesmrEwe said:

    Being blindsided with the "I'm Buying" to "That'll be $155" is absolutely frustrating!!!  It's absolutely worth picking up the phone to say "hey, I need time to come up with that amount of money because I had originally only budgeted $$ for the dress, then thought I wasn't going to have to worry about it, so now I need to come up with the money... But, in the future, can you please be up front about any costs or ask because I don't have a money tree so need advance notice!" and be on a positive note because as @scribe95 mentioned, the asking about budgets is a relatively new concept when it comes to all things WP expenses and some brides just don't realize this (along with about a million other basic etiquette type things..).. 

    For sure. I want to alleviate any future issues though. I'm worried too her mother might try to pin stuff on us, she already told the moh she has to make sure her dress is fluffed out all day long so that every picture looks perfect. Sigh...
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    augsum15 said:

    Being blindsided with the "I'm Buying" to "That'll be $155" is absolutely frustrating!!!  It's absolutely worth picking up the phone to say "hey, I need time to come up with that amount of money because I had originally only budgeted $$ for the dress, then thought I wasn't going to have to worry about it, so now I need to come up with the money... But, in the future, can you please be up front about any costs or ask because I don't have a money tree so need advance notice!" and be on a positive note because as @scribe95 mentioned, the asking about budgets is a relatively new concept when it comes to all things WP expenses and some brides just don't realize this (along with about a million other basic etiquette type things..).. 

    For sure. I want to alleviate any future issues though. I'm worried too her mother might try to pin stuff on us, she already told the moh she has to make sure her dress is fluffed out all day long so that every picture looks perfect. Sigh...
    MOH needs to tell mom that her "duties" end at the end of the recessional.  Once the cocktail hour starts, MOH needs to make sure to have a cocktail in her hand at all times.  The photographer's assistant is in charge of fluffing the dress at that point on.
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  • augsum15augsum15 member
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    scribe95 said:

    Every wedding I have ever attended the MOH fluffs the dress out for pics etc. It's not like that's a particularly crazy thing. OP it appears money isn't the real issue for you - you just weren't kept in the loop. I honestly would let that go.

    Yep you're totally right, money's not the issue. Like I said I lets just frustrating being told one thing etc etc. That's why is nice to talk this stuff or with all you wonderful ladies!

    As for the fluffing I never heard of that being a "duty". I didn't give my moh any duties, it was just the way it was said "you're moh has to do this for you all day long" and her being somewhat shocked that she was being summoned to do something. It would have been different if the bride (who also looked slightly dumbfounded) actually asked her and said "would you mind doing blah blah blah".
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    That sucks that she didn't let the BM have a say in what dress was selected or even try them on because what if she picked a style that is unflattering to the BM. I'll admit that I didn't ask my girls their budget either, but then again, I just said please pick out a full length dress in this color from David's Bridal. They had dresses that met that criteria ranging from $50 to $250, so the girls were able to pick out whatever dress they liked and fit their own budget. Have to admit, that removed a ton of stress from me as a bride.

    Going forward, you may expect a lot more of the same from this bride. When you get a few months out, ask her what the plans are for a hairstylist because I could see her going, I want you at x location at x time to get your hair done by my stylist and it's going to cost you $x.xx. I do love what Poodledoo recommended I saying.

    And as of a MOH job, I think their only "job" is hold the bouquet during the ceremony when needed and to be there for emotional support during the day and maybe help bustle the gown. My MOH was only one that was available the day of my fitting where they went over that so she took photos and her and another BM bustled my dress for me. I took care of my own dress and I think all of my BM at some point during the day helped me with my dress for photos and for getting around. Heck I think my limo driver even helped at one point. I took care of my own drinks, I wanted everyone to relax & have fun & party at my reception.

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