Wedding Party

Bridesmaid Drama - She Cancelled the Bachelorette Party

edited November 2015 in Wedding Party

A bridesmaid and I have been friends since high school, and she’s always been a bit dramatic, but never done anything directly to me. Here is where we are at:

My sister is my MOH but young and in college, so bridesmaids have stepped in and taken over duties to help out. This bridesmaid offered to throw the bachelorette, and I was incredibly grateful, even when she insisted on throwing it at her house (doesn’t live around anything, but has a pool, and it was nice to offer) and didn’t ask for my input on much—that’s on me, I should have spoken up. But moving on.

2 weeks before, bridesmaid calls me upset that she can’t afford to front any of the reservation payments until the guests send her their money. The problem is that she made the RSVP date for 5 days before the event. I calm her down, and assure her that she will have everyone’s phone number and email by then, and can reach out if she hasn’t heard anything. I call my sister, who I know will reach out to our mom--someone who can get anything done under pressure--and explain that bridesmaid is upset, nothing is reserved, I feel uncomfortable getting involved, please help.

Mom calls bridesmaid and offers to front the money, people can just pay her back. Then bridesmaid gets weird. She starts pushing everything onto my sister, and is asking for my mom’s credit card number. Mom says she’ll talk to vendors directly (particularly, a limo/bus to take us to local wineries), bridesmaid seems miffed, but sends everything over and we’re rolling again. However, she can’t reserve anything until bridesmaid sends an itinerary, and then bridesmaid becomes incommunicado.

So we’re a week out, and nothing is reserved. The weather is looking like it will be nasty during the party. Since the pool would be out and we might be stuck with nothing to do (especially with nothing was reserved), and we live directly in the middle of a top 5 population U.S. city—she’s an hour outside of town—I texted her, verbatim: “Hey! Since the weather is going to be rocky, what if we moved the location to our house to be close to night out happenings? You could host from here and we’d be close to nightlife options should we decide to go that way. Either way, let me know! I’m excited!” 

Done. I offered. It’s open ended. Now we had a plan either way. Then she calls me. And after she speaks for 5 minutes with no interruption (phone timer was ticking), she says: “Since you obviously don’t appreciate the hard work I have done, for the sake of our friendship, I need to back out of planning the bachelorette party.”  This is 4 days before friends have taken time out of their lives to celebrate with me, some even flying in.

I ask for clarification, and she states: “had you just sent me the phone numbers when you brought it up, we wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place.” So I’m more than a little taken aback, and tell her that I would love for her to still come and be a part of the day…and she interjects: “I really just need to separate myself from the situation.”  Then she starts throwing blame at my mom and sister, claiming that: “when someone throws you a party, you should just let them do it.”

We hang up, and my heart just breaks. I’m hurt, crying, the whole bit. My friends, mom, sister, and even my fiance stepped in and threw me an amazing last minute bash. She doesn’t show up, and I’m thinking, ‘surely she’ll step down from being a bridesmaid, there is no way she’ll want to get ready and hang out with a bunch of my friends who know what she did.’ But I was wrong.

I didn’t hear from her until 3 weeks before the wedding, and she texts me asking about bridesmaid dresses (she is the only one who hasn’t gotten hers), and I don’t know what to do. Maybe she thinks that by staying in the wedding, she’s doing the right thing. But I don’t need any favors, much less pity from someone I considered a good friend that hurt me so badly.

I have searched all over the internet, and couldn’t find anything about a friend cancelling the bride’s bachelorette, and how to react if they want to still be in your wedding party. I know that if I ask her to step down, I’m the bad guy, and have to be ready to end the friendship. I think I am there, but need some advice and perspective. Should I just let it go and let her be a part of the day, or ask her to step down and come to the party as a guest? Does none of this matter in the long run? 

TL;DR:  Bridesmaid throwing the bachelorette cancelled the party 4 days before the date. Seemed as though she was upset that other people were offering to help, and made the party all about her. Bride was hoping she would step down from bridal party, but she still plans on being a bridesmaid.

Re: Bridesmaid Drama - She Cancelled the Bachelorette Party

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    edited November 2015

    While she's right in general that she as hostess should plan the party without your input, she did a very poor job of planning in that she (and you) expected guests to pay for whatever it is you're going to do at the party.  If she wants to host, she needs to front the costs herself, not expect guests to do so and then you and your mom when they don't.  It really amazes me that you and your mom and sister were scrambling to pay for all this and even more that you expected your guests to pay for reservations for this.

    I think at this point you need to drop all these ideas, especially ones that require reservations, vendors, and payments, and tell her, "Bridesmaid, I'm really grateful for your enthusiasm and desire to help, but we and the guests cannot cover these costs for you.  It sounds like these plans go beyond what you're able to do.  Why don't we put our heads together and figure something out that works for you and us?"  I realize that this can come across like you're trying to plan the party for yourself, but it's not appropriate for would-be hostesses to take it upon themselves to make plans that require payment from guests.  I'd be willing to bet that that's why none of the guests sent money.

    short+sassy
  • Hi! Thank you for the response! She put on the invite that the bus/food/etc. would be $100 per person. I've been to a couple where we pre-pay for events, but agree with you that it's a lot to ask.
  • And thank you holygauc (cute name!), I should have been more specific, I told her I would call me sister and we'd get it sorted out. She called me asking for a solution, that's all I could offer. Obviously there are going to be two sides and I didn't handle this well either, and I appreciate your input.
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member

    And thank you holygauc (cute name!), I should have been more specific, I told her I would call me sister and we'd get it sorted out. She called me asking for a solution, that's all I could offer. Obviously there are going to be two sides and I didn't handle this well either, and I appreciate your input.

    She put you in an awkward spot by asking you for a solution, and I agree that her party-planning skills need some work. But what's done is done. Do your best to put this behind you. If someone else brings it up, simply say "yeah, things didn't go as planned, but I know she always had the best intentions." And change the subject. You don't want to talk poorly about her behind her back. Do all you can do to keep the peace and move forward.



    Anniversary
    STARMOON44Blue_Birdlc07
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    edited November 2015
    Hi! Thank you for the response! She put on the invite that the bus/food/etc. would be $100 per person. I've been to a couple where we pre-pay for events, but agree with you that it's a lot to ask.

    Putting anything on an invitation about asking guests to pay for anything is out of line.

    The only way pre-paying could ever be appropriate is if the hosts get the okay from each guest in advance-not by springing it on them in invitations.

    CMGragainInLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLostHeffalump
  • Aside from the fact that yes she should have absolutely asked each girl first budgets, she offered to plan it and I'm sure she would have figured out an alternate plan if the weather turned awful. All you had to do was send her the girls phone numbers and I'm sure should could have sorted it out.

    That's in the past now and you've since had a fun party, but don't kick her out. She may have just felt embarrassed that she got overwhelmed and didn't want to attend the party, she doesn't have to. If you still want to maintain a friendship with her, why don't you go hang out with her and see what's what, if she still wants to be a BM I'm sure she still cares for your friendship. If you kick her out of the WP you're saying friendship over.
    YogaSandySTARMOON44OliveOilsMomPrettyGirlLost
  • Thanks, that puts some more of it in perspective. I know I am still upset about the way she spoke to me (tone, accusations) but need to get over it. I don't know that we'll have a friendship after this, because I would never treat her that way. 

    You are right that I should have trusted her to take care of it. After her calling me upset that nothing was done, and knowing things still hadn't been done, I should have stopped worrying about things and just had a nice party. That's on me. A type. Have to have a plan. I should have never offered our house even though I thought I was helping, because it came off ungrateful.

    I'll make sure the rest of the bridal party keeps passive aggressiveness to themselves and just hope that she has a good time. 

    Thank you all again, really do appreciate the 3rd party perspective. 
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    Thanks, that puts some more of it in perspective. I know I am still upset about the way she spoke to me (tone, accusations) but need to get over it. I don't know that we'll have a friendship after this, because I would never treat her that way. 

    You are right that I should have trusted her to take care of it. After her calling me upset that nothing was done, and knowing things still hadn't been done, I should have stopped worrying about things and just had a nice party. That's on me. A type. Have to have a plan. I should have never offered our house even though I thought I was helping, because it came off ungrateful.

    I'll make sure the rest of the bridal party keeps passive aggressiveness to themselves and just hope that she has a good time. 

    Thank you all again, really do appreciate the 3rd party perspective. 
    That's what we're here for.  I'm glad you have a good head on your shoulders and can take a step back and see things a bit more clearly.  

    Many brides (not saying you ... just putting this out there for lurkers) can get upset by having someone in their wedding party who doesn't stay in your life because they will always be in your pictures.  My (now former) SIL was a bridesmaid in our wedding.  2 months after the wedding, she & my brother separated and divorced later that year.  I've run into her a few times and things are cordial, but she has essentially cut my family out of her life.  She's still in my pictures (as is her daughter, one of our flower girls). I don't regret it for one moment.



    Anniversary
  • Haha, I might! I would hope most know not to make a decision when they're upset, and since my feelings wouldn't be un-hurt, people not involved were the best solution. So thank you all so much!
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