Wedding Etiquette Forum

How to uninvite a bridesmaid?

Well, I screwed up.
My fiancé asked me to marry him on vacation in October 2014. It was magical.
When I came back I asked my 4 closest friends! Of course they all said yes! The wedding isn't until Aug 2016.
At the time, all 4 friends have been friends for years and, to what I thought, would stand the test of time.
How wrong I was.

Background: I moved from a small city to a much larger city. I met Friend (T) and she introduced me to a lot of people, mainly the friends I asked to be bridesmaids, Friends (A), (AH), and (V).

Now, Time has made a fool of me. (AH) and (V) got into a little feud with (T), BUT they were still civil. If they saw each other on the street they would nod and keep on their route.
More time goes by and (V) and (T) rekindled their friendship, but keeping each other at arms length but they're getting along!
Then (V) and (AH) get into a Huge fight and now don't speak to each other. They're not even civil.

Because I'm Sweden (neutral) to all this, everyone is still friends with me because I do not get myself involved. (AH) and I went to a couple concerts during the summer. The first one we had a Blast! Great times. The second time was nothing short of a nightmare. (AH) invited her friend to which I don't like, (AH) and this girl became drunk and rude and bitchy. Completely ignored me and almost ditched me at the concert. The drive home was as hellish as the concert. (AH) was completely rude, selfish, bitchy, self centered and couldn't be reasoned with.
Our friendship hasn't been the same since.
There were other "incidences" that also chipped away at the friendship, like her dating a Nazi (Yes! A full blown Nazi), started drinking after going to rehab, starting fights with anyone, etc just to name a few.

When I talked to my other friends about (AH) they all said the same thing "She's a bitch when she gets drunk", "She's very selfish", "She will ruin your day". Etc
It seems like there are more people that have a problem with (AH) then people who don't.

Recently, (AH) threw a hissy fit and said some Really horrible and rude things to (T) because (T) didn't want to rekindle the friendship with (AH) when (AH) tried to apologize for all the mean things she did and said.
This was the only time I got involved. I asked (AH) why she said the things she did when (AH) openly admitted what she said to (T) to me. I told her that it was rude and low of her to do that. (AH) didn't want to discuss anything with me and brushed it off and believes she has done nothing wrong. She played it off like she's the victim.

I am now regretting inviting (AH) as a bridesmaid. I want peace at my wedding and I have a bad feeling that she, (AH) will somehow say or do something that will compromise my day. Like I said, there are more people that have a problem with her and our friendship has slowly been dewindling. We don't talk as much anymore, we barely hangout anymore.

When I make a list of the pros and cons of all my friends/bridesmaids. I have Much more pros than cons for (T), (A), and (V).
I can only list a couple of pros for (AH) and a fair amount of cons.

So... My fellow Knotters... How do I politely say to (AH) that she is not only Not a bridesmaid, but not even a guest.

If you need more background, I'll be more than happy to give up more.

Re: How to uninvite a bridesmaid?

  • Sounds like you must really like drama. I have zero friends who feud or fight with each other, because I am an adult and I am friends with only people who are capable of behaving as adults, which none of you seem to be.

    If you really don't like her and don't want to be friends with her at all, go ahead and kick her out. But don't do it because of some convoluted drama filled saga about who likes who more.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Ditto PPs. Also, the pro/con list sounds really petty. You've asked them; end of story.

    Lurkers, take note. There is no need to ask your bridal party so early. Wait until you're ~9 months out.
    JediElizabethlnixon8InLoveInQueensthefanciestbeckler
  • Blue_BirdBlue_Bird Bawlmer member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    Saya619 said:
    Well, I screwed up. My fiancé asked me to marry him on vacation in October 2014. It was magical. When I came back I asked my 4 closest friends! Of course they all said yes! The wedding isn't until Aug 2016. At the time, all 4 friends have been friends for years and, to what I thought, would stand the test of time. How wrong I was. Background: I moved from a small city to a much larger city. I met Friend (T) and she introduced me to a lot of people, mainly the friends I asked to be bridesmaids, Friends (A), (AH), and (V). Now, Time has made a fool of me. (AH) and (V) got into a little feud with (T), BUT they were still civil. If they saw each other on the street they would nod and keep on their route. More time goes by and (V) and (T) rekindled their friendship, but keeping each other at arms length but they're getting along! Then (V) and (AH) get into a Huge fight and now don't speak to each other. They're not even civil. Because I'm Sweden (neutral) to all this, everyone is still friends with me because I do not get myself involved. (AH) and I went to a couple concerts during the summer. The first one we had a Blast! Great times. The second time was nothing short of a nightmare. (AH) invited her friend to which I don't like, (AH) and this girl became drunk and rude and bitchy. Completely ignored me and almost ditched me at the concert. The drive home was as hellish as the concert. (AH) was completely rude, selfish, bitchy, self centered and couldn't be reasoned with. Our friendship hasn't been the same since. There were other "incidences" that also chipped away at the friendship, like her dating a Nazi (Yes! A full blown Nazi), started drinking after going to rehab, starting fights with anyone, etc just to name a few. When I talked to my other friends about (AH) they all said the same thing "She's a bitch when she gets drunk", "She's very selfish", "She will ruin your day". Etc It seems like there are more people that have a problem with (AH) then people who don't. Recently, (AH) threw a hissy fit and said some Really horrible and rude things to (T) because (T) didn't want to rekindle the friendship with (AH) when (AH) tried to apologize for all the mean things she did and said. This was the only time I got involved. I asked (AH) why she said the things she did when (AH) openly admitted what she said to (T) to me. I told her that it was rude and low of her to do that. (AH) didn't want to discuss anything with me and brushed it off and believes she has done nothing wrong. She played it off like she's the victim. I am now regretting inviting (AH) as a bridesmaid. I want peace at my wedding and I have a bad feeling that she, (AH) will somehow say or do something that will compromise my day. Like I said, there are more people that have a problem with her and our friendship has slowly been dewindling. We don't talk as much anymore, we barely hangout anymore. When I make a list of the pros and cons of all my friends/bridesmaids. I have Much more pros than cons for (T), (A), and (V). I can only list a couple of pros for (AH) and a fair amount of cons. So... My fellow Knotters... How do I politely say to (AH) that she is not only Not a bridesmaid, but not even a guest. If you need more background, I'll be more than happy to give up more.
    Agreed with PPs. This is high school b.s. If you don't like her and no longer want to be friends, take your wedding out of it. Simply tell her that you've grown apart, and you think the friendship has run its course. Reimburse her for anything she may have paid out for being your bridesmaid, and move on.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    If (AH) was that bad a friend, I don't get why you asked her to be your bridesmaid in the first place.  If you're ready to permanently end your friendship with her over all this drama, then yes, you can ask her to step down and uninvite her from your wedding. 

    Like the PPs state, it sounds like everyone's been arguing over really petty stuff.  If you can keep her in your wedding party, and rise above all this crap, you can let your friendship with her die after the wedding as you see fit while still being the bigger person.
    InLoveInQueens
  • Tl:dr here's the thing, your BMs don't have to get along with each other, they have to get along with you.

    Reach out to the one who you are havinv issues with, take the wedding out of the picture, and be her friend.

    Also, maybe re-evaluate why you hang around such Drama Llamas, lordy, I did theatre for years and don't know as many dramatic people as you hang with!
    Blue_BirdInLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLost
  • First off, I don't like drama. As you may have read "I am Sweden- I am Neutral! I stay out of their fights. What goes on between them is their business.

    As I read most of these comments it seems like I'm getting pretty remorseless comments. No advice really.

    I was giving you an insight on what I was dealing with.

    In a nutshell, guests and bridesmaid alike have a problem with (AH) and I Don't want drama at the wedding.

    I invited her to begin with because I Didn't know what kind of person she really was. Now I've seen her true colours.

    The comments I'm receiving are pretty petty, and not sympathetic.
    I thought this forum would help, inside its giving me more stress.
    Thank you.
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    This is some really childish drama.

    There's no polite way to do this. If you don't want to be friends with her anymore, then kick her out.

    InLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLost
  • If you really want to kick her out of your wedding party and not invite her to the wedding, you can definitely do that, but this would be a friendship ending move. Are you prepared for that? Is that REALLY what you want?

    And as to how you say it, there is no polite way. "AH, I feel our relationship has changed recently beyond repair and I think that it is best for you not to be included in my wedding party". Done. Hurt feelings? Probably. But at the end of the day, you need to do what is best for you. And I mean in the long term, not just in regards to your wedding day. If you are wanting to end your friendship from this person, then yes, remove her from your WP. But don't do it because there is drama between her and some other people that doesn't involve you.

    And for lurkers, this is why you wait until closer to the wedding to choose your wedding party. Relationships change all the time. 
    STARMOON44[Deleted User]
  • edited November 2015
    Wow! I truly thought that this site was for brides to help other brides... To share and support each other during this stressful time! To give and receive advice, to assist with difficult decisions and be the shoulder to cry on because no one knows what a bride is going through than another bride!
    I came here looking for help! I've opened my heart to a bunch of strangers and I get harped on! My history is wrong, I'm petty for making a list, I'm such a horrible person for jumping to conclusions and making the mistake of inviting too soon. I'm a Terrible human being for making a pro/con list. I'm borderline Stalin for uninviting a person who Will cause drama on my special day!

    This site is probably the worst site for advice! Almost as bad a Facebook! Thank god I don't have that!

    I know that this is not easy, I know that I risk breaking up the friendship, I know that I can lose a friend. With everything you've read, does it sound like I Should be friends with her? I also believe non of you are empathetic and can place yourself in my shoes.
    I didn't know that (AH) could have been this type of person when I invited her.

    All of you should be ashamed of yourselves for critisizing and belittling a fellow bride in need. I hope none of you ever have to face this ridicule that all of you have shown me.

    I've only been on this site for 4 days, and this was my first post and I can say this is my last post. All of you shown me how heartless you can be.

    Thanks for nothing.
  • https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Country_neutrality_(international_relations)

    Yeah, I was right. Sweden was part of the neutral countries. If it makes it better, I can call myself Mexico!
  • Saya619 said:
    Wow! I truly thought that this site was for brides to help other brides... To share and support each other during this stressful time! To give and receive advice, to assist with difficult decisions and be the shoulder to cry on because no one knows what a bride is going through than another bride! I came here looking for help! I've opened my heart to a bunch of strangers and I get harped on! My history is wrong, I'm petty for making a list, I'm such a horrible person for jumping to conclusions and making the mistake of inviting too soon. I'm a Terrible human being for making a pro/con list. I'm borderline Stalin for uninviting a person who Will cause drama on my special day! This site is probably the worst site for advice! Almost as bad a Facebook! Thank god I don't have that! I know that this is not easy, I know that I risk breaking up the friendship, I know that I can lose a friend. With everything you've read, does it sound like I Should be friends with her? I also believe non of you are empathetic and can place yourself in my shoes. I didn't know that (AH) could have been this type of person when I invited her. All of you should be ashamed of yourselves for critisizing and belittling a fellow bride in need. I hope none of you ever have to face this ridicule that all of you have shown me. I've only been on this site for 4 days, and this was my first post and I can say this is my last post. All of you shown me how heartless you can be. Thanks for nothing.
    This is not something we can decide for you. 

    You've been given the advice you asked for. If you have decided that your friendship has run it's course, then by all means, kick her out of your WP knowing that you have ended the friendship. Or, if you want to stay friends, trying reaching out to her and figure out what is going on in her life and try to salvage the relationship. 

    You feel like no one is supporting you, but posters can only go by what you tell us. You have posted that you are wondering if it's OK to kick her because she has drama with so many other people and you don't want drama on your wedding day. Right here you have said the issue is between her and other people, when the issue should be YOU and YOUR friendship. Also the part about drama on your wedding day- your friendship is more important than one day. The question shouldn't be "will she cause drama on my special day", but do you want to maintain a friendship with this person? If you don't, then go ahead and kick her out (why would you want someone in your WP if you aren't friends with them?). If you want to stay friends, then fix the relationship and expect her to act like an adult on your wedding day. If she does anything stupid, it's on her, not you. If anything is way out of hand, then have her removed from the venue. 
  • jacques27jacques27 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments 5 Answers
    edited November 2015
    Saya619 said:
    Wow! I truly thought that this site was for brides to help other brides... To share and support each other during this stressful time! (DRAMA!)  To give and receive advice, to assist with difficult decisions and be the shoulder to cry on because no one knows what a bride is going through than another bride! I came here looking for help! I've opened my heart to a bunch of strangers and I get harped on! (DRAMA!)  My history is wrong, I'm petty for making a list, I'm such a horrible person for jumping to conclusions and making the mistake of inviting too soon. I'm a Terrible human being for making a pro/con list. I'm borderline Stalin for uninviting a person who Will cause drama on my special day! (DRAMA!)  This site is probably the worst site for advice! Almost as bad a Facebook! Thank god I don't have that! I know that this is not easy, I know that I risk breaking up the friendship, I know that I can lose a friend. With everything you've read, does it sound like I Should be friends with her? I also believe non of you are empathetic and can place yourself in my shoes. I didn't know that (AH) could have been this type of person when I invited her. All of you should be ashamed of yourselves for critisizing and belittling a fellow bride in need. I hope none of you ever have to face this ridicule that all of you have shown me. (DRAMA!) I've only been on this site for 4 days, and this was my first post and I can say this is my last post. All of you shown me how heartless you can be. Thanks for nothing.

    Are you a drama major by any chance? 

    You sure aren't strengthening your case that you allegedly don't like drama.  Your post is full of all sorts of theatrics that weren't in any of the responses you got from us.  No one called you a horrible person.  No one compared you to Stalin.  That all came from you.  Drama begets drama.  You've got it in your life because you are it.  You're just the type that likes to play the poor put upon martyr who doesn't understand how everyone around her could just be so crazy and dramatic.  It's still drama, just the kind that likes to pretend its not.  If you don't want it in your life, then stop being it, stop enabling it, and stop hanging around it.  It's really just that simple.

    I totally stand by my comment on the pro/con list.  You're not deciding between blenders; these are people you allegedly call friends.  They either are or they aren't, faults and all.  From the stories you tell, the "oh, but they made up but really just kept at an arms distance" you all seem to be superficially friendly, which is not the same as being friends.  So go ahead and cut her out (and the rest of them, too, for that matter).  Just know that there is no "polite" way to do it.  It's a friendship ending move.  It sounds like you're ready for that, but you don't get to pretend that it's not a friendship ending move.  You don't get to stick your fingers in your ears and go "La la la I'm Sweden.  I'm not getting involved.  I'm pretending this isn't happening.  La la la see how neutral I am?!?"  It means you have to be an actual grown up who has to have a tough conversation with someone, explain your feelings, and end things.  If you're not prepared to do that, then you should be prepared to be an actual friend to her and figure out what is going on and how to fix it.  Those are the options.

    ETA:  FFS, you know you're planning a big dinner party, basically, right?  Lots of women here managed to plan their weddings without tears and theatrics.  If it's that stressful, perhaps you should be rethinking your plans or seeking out ways to improve your stress tolerance.  And you have a person you are marrying, presumably, for support.

    SP29STARMOON44InLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLost
  • @jacques27 Again with the Deleted User! I think we're scaring them away ;)
    InLoveInQueens[Deleted User]
  • SP29 said:
    @jacques27 Again with the Deleted User! I think we're scaring them away ;)
    @SP29 I'm cool with that.  Especially when they start whipping out phrases like "my special day."
    SP29AddieCake[Deleted User]
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    The ones that insist they hate drama are usually the biggest drama queens.
    image
    image

    image


    SP29holyguacamole79PrettyGirlLostMyNameIsNot
  • And again, every single time a poster starts crowing about how they "don't like drama" it's all about how they are intentionally surrounding themselves with drama queens and stirring the pot.

  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Country_neutrality_(international_relations) Yeah, I was right. Sweden was part of the neutral countries. If it makes it better, I can call myself Mexico!
    The idiom is Switzerland.  Do you know what an idiom is?



    [Deleted User]redoryx
  • Viczaesar said:



    https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Country_neutrality_(international_relations)

    Yeah, I was right. Sweden was part of the neutral countries. If it makes it better, I can call myself Mexico!

    The idiom is Switzerland.  Do you know what an idiom is?

    Idiom, idiot. Wording is hard
    InLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLosthuskypuppy14
  • Sounds like you must really like drama. I have zero friends who feud or fight with each other, because I am an adult and I am friends with only people who are capable of behaving as adults, which none of you seem to be. If you really don't like her and don't want to be friends with her at all, go ahead and kick her out. But don't do it because of some convoluted drama filled saga about who likes who more.
    I have two friends who I am very close to who really really don't like each other. You want to know how they handle it? By avoiding each other if they're in the same room and being cordial if they need to interact. They even both some to my events because they care about me more than they don't like each other. They ever were chatting at my last birthday party! Because we're all adults and act like it, even around people we don't like.
    SP29STARMOON44
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