Aunt as a Bridesmaid

aurianna · November 2015

jgaudet5388 said:

Apparently she mentioned things to his mom over the weekend about the wedding. Such as getting makeup done and what color dresses will they wear. She even offered her house for the shower and has offered to help in anyway which I am greatful for. I mean we use to joke about her being in the wedding but I wasn't serious about it. She was the MOH in his sister's wedding last year, but that is her aunt not mine. I think I just need to sit her down and talk to her about it. I wanted her and my aunt to be readers since that is still an important part of the wedding.

So... what kind of "jokes?" How frequent, when were they made and what was said? If there's a serious possibility that she took these "jokes" as your asking her to be in the bridal party, I'd actually consider asking her to be a bridesmaid when the time comes.
Sides don't have to be even, so you can still ask your other three. All she has to do is stand by you when you get married. So her age doesn't need to play in. She does not need to party with and hang out with your other bridesmaids. If you do a sweetheart table she doesn't even need to sit with you during dinner (and if you do a head table, you can always ask her ahead of time if she and her significant other (if she has one) would rather sit at the head table with the bridal party and their SOs or if she'd rather sit with the family).

Now, if you really don't think she could have misconstrued your jokes as a bridal party invitation (or if you think she may have but still don't want her and will risk hurt feelings and family drama), this is your choice and not your fiance's. As I assume you had no say on his side, he has no say on your side. Tell him she can read, present the gifts, be a regular guest, or could be a groomsmaid on his side. If he continues to try to dictate your side of the wedding party and is demanding and confrontational about it, you guys have bigger problems and should definitely bring this up during pre-marital counseling.

jgaudet5388 · November 2015

So... what kind of "jokes?" How frequent, when were they made and what was said?

We have been together for 9.5 years so over the years we've talked about getting married. I didn't have a lot of close family or friends so I would say I guess she and my finace's sister would be my only bridesmaids.

holyguacamole79 · November 2015

jgaudet5388 said:
So... what kind of "jokes?" How frequent, when were they made and what was said?

We have been together for 9.5 years so over the years we've talked about getting married. I didn't have a lot of close family or friends so I would say I guess she and my finace's sister would be my only bridesmaids.

Let me make sure I understand. ... at some time you said that she would be a bridesmaid????

If that's the case, you've made your bed and now need to lie in it.

jgaudet5388 · November 2015

holyguacamole79 said:

jgaudet5388 said:
So... what kind of "jokes?" How frequent, when were they made and what was said?

We have been together for 9.5 years so over the years we've talked about getting married. I didn't have a lot of close family or friends so I would say I guess she and my finace's sister would be my only bridesmaids.
Let me make sure I understand. ... at some time you said that she would be a bridesmaid????

If that's the case, you've made your bed and now need to lie in it.

I've also joked with old co-workers too. Does that mean I call them up after not talking to them for over a year? I mean I don't remember exactly what said as this was probably 2 years ago but we were kidding around. She even said that she'll be old by then and need to be pushed in a wheelchair and we picked out the ugliest dresses we could find. So should they wear them? Please fill me in apparently you have all the answers.

climbingsingle · November 2015

jgaudet5388 said:

So... what kind of "jokes?" How frequent, when were they made and what was said? We have been together for 9.5 years so over the years we've talked about getting married. I didn't have a lot of close family or friends so I would say I guess she and my finace's sister would be my only bridesmaids.

Wait, you "joked" with the aunt about her being in your wedding?

jgaudet5388 · November 2015

climbingwife said:

jgaudet5388 said:

So... what kind of "jokes?" How frequent, when were they made and what was said?

We have been together for 9.5 years so over the years we've talked about getting married. I didn't have a lot of close family or friends so I would say I guess she and my finace's sister would be my only bridesmaids.

Wait, you "joked" with the aunt about her being in your wedding?

Yes like 2 years ago and we knew it was a joke bc we dragged it out to other stuff.

holyguacamole79 · November 2015

jgaudet5388 said:

So... what kind of "jokes?" How frequent, when were they made and what was said? We have been together for 9.5 years so over the years we've talked about getting married. I didn't have a lot of close family or friends so I would say I guess she and my finace's sister would be my only bridesmaids.
Let me make sure I understand. ... at some time you said that she would be a bridesmaid???? If that's the case, you've made your bed and now need to lie in it.
I've also joked with old co-workers too. Does that mean I call them up after not talking to them for over a year? I mean I don't remember exactly what said as this was probably 2 years ago but we were kidding around. She even said that she'll be old by then and need to be pushed in a wheelchair and we picked out the ugliest dresses we could find. So should they wear them? Please fill me in apparently you have all the answers.

I don't have all the answers because I don't have all the context. I don't know this aunt and her personality. I also don't know you and how / what exactly you said. Heck, I'm super close with my aunt. She's in her early 50s and I can count on one hand I've seen her in a dress (I'm 36). When we were wedding planning, I'd snark at her that I'd ask her to be a flower girl and have her wear a fluffy pink dress with bows in her hair. She laughed it off. But that's the kind of relationship we have.

No, you don't call your coworkers. But if they call you and say they took you seriously, you're going to have a lot of backpedaling to do.

Unless this aunt has something like Aspbergers or some other social awkwardness, I don't think she read too much into what you said.

The bottom line is, you said something and she took it seriously. Your first post made it sound like this came from out of the blue and this aunt, your FI, and FMIL were presuming things. Now that you've elaborated, it's clear that there was more to this.

So, you have 2 options:
1) Have the super awkward conversation with the aunt and let her know that you were just joking around.
2) Ask her to be a bridesmaid..

Bottom line, though: STOP JOKING ABOUT YOUR WEDDING PARTY.

jgaudet5388 · November 2015

We weren't even engaged at the time. His sister was discussing her wedding party and that is why it was brought up. She said can I be your MOH and I said no that's Pixie's job (my dog) so she then said what about just a bridesmaid I then said sure but you have to wear this ugly dress she said nevermind.

holyguacamole79 · November 2015

jgaudet5388 said:

We weren't even engaged at the time. His sister was discussing her wedding party and that is why it was brought up. She said can I be your MOH and I said no that's Pixie's job (my dog) so she then said what about just a bridesmaid I then said sure but you have to wear this ugly dress she said nevermind.

I feel like something is missing here. No grown-ass adult jokes like that and then takes it seriously.

OliveOilsMom · November 2015

jgaudet5388 said:

So... what kind of "jokes?" How frequent, when were they made and what was said? We have been together for 9.5 years so over the years we've talked about getting married. I didn't have a lot of close family or friends so I would say I guess she and my finace's sister would be my only bridesmaids.
Let me make sure I understand. ... at some time you said that she would be a bridesmaid???? If that's the case, you've made your bed and now need to lie in it.
I've also joked with old co-workers too. Does that mean I call them up after not talking to them for over a year? I mean I don't remember exactly what said as this was probably 2 years ago but we were kidding around. She even said that she'll be old by then and need to be pushed in a wheelchair and we picked out the ugliest dresses we could find. So should they wear them? Please fill me in apparently you have all the answers.

To the old co-workers: Do you ever see them? Probably not, so no you don't have to call them up and ask them to be BMs. But to the aunt that you see frequently? You have a bigger and more delicate problem.

You were joking that this aunt would be a BM (regardless of the ugly BM dress talk) and while said aunt was MOH for FSIL. I bet this aunt took your conversation very seriously. You have some backpedaling to do with aunt, if you don't want her in the WP. But it might be easier in the long run to let aunt in the WP. Or have your FI ask her to be a groomswoman, since he wants her in the wedding so bad.

Don't ask your WP right now. Hold off.

If aunt asks about WP at all to you. Tell her that you haven't thought about your WP yet since you are so far away from the wedding. If aunt point blank brings up that conversation from 2 years ago. Laugh it off and say how funny it was back then. That you wanted your dog to be MOH and that you would find ugly BM dresses. Then go back to saying you haven't finalized your WP. Change the subject and move on. Lather, rinse, and repeat as often as necessary.

When you have decided on your WP and aunt brings it up again. Just say "Sally, Suzy, and Jane are my BMs." Then change the subject. If she brings up dress colors, etc. Just say you haven't thought that far ahead.

jgaudet5388 · November 2015

holyguacamole79 said:

jgaudet5388 said:

We weren't even engaged at the time. His sister was discussing her wedding party and that is why it was brought up. She said can I be your MOH and I said no that's Pixie's job (my dog) so she then said what about just a bridesmaid I then said sure but you have to wear this ugly dress she said nevermind.

I feel like something is missing here. No grown-ass adult jokes like that and then takes it seriously.

She's immature and not just with this. She has stood in all her neices weddings buts she like a mother figure to them. That's why I'm assuming she is in mine since she was in all of theirs.

holyguacamole79 · November 2015

jgaudet5388 said:

jgaudet5388 said:

We weren't even engaged at the time. His sister was discussing her wedding party and that is why it was brought up. She said can I be your MOH and I said no that's Pixie's job (my dog) so she then said what about just a bridesmaid I then said sure but you have to wear this ugly dress she said nevermind.

I feel like something is missing here. No grown-ass adult jokes like that and then takes it seriously.
She's immature and not just with this. She has stood in all her neices weddings buts she like a mother figure to them. That's why I'm assuming she is in mine since she was in all of theirs.

So one of two things happened (or a combination of both). Either she took your joke 2 years ago seriously or she made a bold assumption.

Will you see this aunt any time soon?

Jen4948 · November 2015

jgaudet5388 said:

jgaudet5388 said:

We weren't even engaged at the time. His sister was discussing her wedding party and that is why it was brought up. She said can I be your MOH and I said no that's Pixie's job (my dog) so she then said what about just a bridesmaid I then said sure but you have to wear this ugly dress she said nevermind.

I feel like something is missing here. No grown-ass adult jokes like that and then takes it seriously.
She's immature and not just with this. She has stood in all her neices weddings buts she like a mother figure to them. That's why I'm assuming she is in mine since she was in all of theirs.

Ok, then set her straight with: "It looks like along the way some wires got crossed. Somehow, you were led to believe that I asked you to be my bridesmaid. I remember joking about that before I was engaged, but it was just that-a joke, not meant to be taken seriously. I'm sorry that you were misled, but I wasn't engaged at the time, and I've already chosen the people I feel closest to."

jgaudet5388 · November 2015

holyguacamole79 said:

jgaudet5388 said:

holyguacamole79 said:

jgaudet5388 said:

We weren't even engaged at the time. His sister was discussing her wedding party and that is why it was brought up. She said can I be your MOH and I said no that's Pixie's job (my dog) so she then said what about just a bridesmaid I then said sure but you have to wear this ugly dress she said nevermind.

I feel like something is missing here. No grown-ass adult jokes like that and then takes it seriously.
She's immature and not just with this. She has stood in all her neices weddings buts she like a mother figure to them. That's why I'm assuming she is in mine since she was in all of theirs.

So one of two things happened (or a combination of both). Either she took your joke 2 years ago seriously or she made a bold assumption.

Will you see this aunt any time soon?

Yes. Thursday! I just saw her Friday but she didn't say any of this when I was around.

holyguacamole79 · November 2015

jgaudet5388 said:

holyguacamole79 said:

jgaudet5388 said:

holyguacamole79 said:

jgaudet5388 said:

We weren't even engaged at the time. His sister was discussing her wedding party and that is why it was brought up. She said can I be your MOH and I said no that's Pixie's job (my dog) so she then said what about just a bridesmaid I then said sure but you have to wear this ugly dress she said nevermind.

I feel like something is missing here. No grown-ass adult jokes like that and then takes it seriously.
She's immature and not just with this. She has stood in all her neices weddings buts she like a mother figure to them. That's why I'm assuming she is in mine since she was in all of theirs.

So one of two things happened (or a combination of both). Either she took your joke 2 years ago seriously or she made a bold assumption.

Will you see this aunt any time soon?

Yes. Thursday! I just saw her Friday but she didn't say any of this when I was around.

Then I agree with @Jen4948 . Pull her aside and say what Jen suggested. I'd be VERY careful about not saying "FI told me that his mom told him ..." You don't want to create additional family drama.

I still stand by my original comment that your and your FI need to further discuss why he called you selfish over this.

jgaudet5388 · November 2015

Thanks ladies!

MesmrEwe · November 2015

O.k. so FI wants her in the WP, and you don't want a geriatric BM... <face palm because in a few short years you'll realize that 40 isn't that old at all>... O.k. There's the term "Bride's Man" and "Groom's Woman" the simple way to settle this is that she's on his side... That doesn't mean that you need to add two people if you're adding her, you can have uneven sides!

Taking up the gifts is a Catholic portion of the mass, so I'm assuming you've started your prep. This is a compromise and communications issue that the two of you need to work out together. He wants her in the WP, not some other role. Only you can decide whether or not this is a "hill to die on" and IMO, this is one of those things that you work out a compromise with your FI on..

VicTim328 · November 2015

Say everything that Jenn suggested except the "people I feel closest to." That could be painful and difficult for this aunt to hear, and could easily start more problems.

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