Moms and Maids

Bridesmaid problem....

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Re: Bridesmaid problem....

  • You don't have any close friends through your kids? No moms you get together with?
  • Because it's been my job to make her feel welcomed and accepted into our group. It's a very difficult and delicate situation, and I'm the one who is expected to be the peace keeper. My very good friend from school and I had a falling out years ago, she didn't think I should be dating my now FI. Since then, I've not made the time for another close relationship. I started a family at a very young age and simply have not made the time away from them to make friends. I'm shy and introverted so I'm fine with it. Like I said, I have many, many acquaintances but no close friends. I suppose I might have "high expectations" but I don't think I'm out of line wanting a close friend who is like minded. (ie someone to go trail running and drink green smoothies with, as opposed to a day out being fast food and the nail salon)
    to the bolded: Hard to figure out tone on the internet but this comes across very judgmental. I agree with PP about joining hiking/running groups but just because someone doesn't have the exact same hobbies or diet as you doesn't mean they can't be fun to be around. Or you could invite the girl with the nice nails to grab a smoothie one afternoon... or go hiking with you! Maybe you've always been active but I know I started paddle boarding/hiking/spinning thanks to a friend that invited me.


    InLoveInQueensnerdwife
  • I don't expect a friend to be exactly like me, or like everything I enjoy. That would be boring. I do expect give and take in any relationship. In this particular relationship, it doesn't happen. I've invited her to do the things I enjoy, and have also participated in the activities she enjoys. The problem is, she never participates in activities I suggest because she's "not into them". So I've stopped trying. And I'm in plenty of groups and activities, I simply have no close friends. Only acquaintances.
    And the problem isn't that I don't have any close friends. It's that the girl I asked to be part of my wedding, seems like she'd rather not, and if that's the case, I certainly would rather her not be.
  • I don't expect a friend to be exactly like me, or like everything I enjoy. That would be boring. I do expect give and take in any relationship. In this particular relationship, it doesn't happen. I've invited her to do the things I enjoy, and have also participated in the activities she enjoys. The problem is, she never participates in activities I suggest because she's "not into them". So I've stopped trying. And I'm in plenty of groups and activities, I simply have no close friends. Only acquaintances. And the problem isn't that I don't have any close friends. It's that the girl I asked to be part of my wedding, seems like she'd rather not, and if that's the case, I certainly would rather her not be.
    This is not an issue with other people, this is a you issue. 

    You are pushing too hard to make something happen that she has made very clear, won't. How old are you? Have you always had issues making close friends? Have you ever sought out therapy?

    I only ask these questions because if you don't have any close friends, only your FI, you may grow to resent him if he decides to go out with his friends without you. I've seen it happen before. You each need to have your own set of friends, if those friends get along, great. If not, oh well, but you each need a support system of your own. 
    InLoveInQueens
  • Again, I didn't ask for help with my "friend problem". And I certainly never said this was at the fault of others. I'm quite content with where I'm at right now. I'm fully aware why I don't have close friends and am ok with this. I do have a support system, should I need to rely on someone. And while I appreciate the concern, it really isn't applicable in my situation. I see myself resenting my FI more for insisting I do everything with him and his friends, rather than resenting him because he wants a guys night out. (Seriously? How petty would that be.) On the rare chance I do have the opportunity for time away from my family, I'd rather it be just me time. And my therapist sees nothing wrong with this. I've always had many acquaintances and one or two close friends. I don't see the revalance in my age either.
    I asked for help dealing with an "elephant in the room" where it regards a person who doesn't seem genuinely interested or happy to be in a one person wedding party for a person she "has" to be friends with in front of a bunch of people she doesn't know. (This is at least how it is appearing) I don't want her to feel uncomfortable or obligated to and that's all I'm really getting from her.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Again, I didn't ask for help with my "friend problem". And I certainly never said this was at the fault of others. I'm quite content with where I'm at right now. I'm fully aware why I don't have close friends and am ok with this. I do have a support system, should I need to rely on someone. And while I appreciate the concern, it really isn't applicable in my situation. I see myself resenting my FI more for insisting I do everything with him and his friends, rather than resenting him because he wants a guys night out. (Seriously? How petty would that be.) On the rare chance I do have the opportunity for time away from my family, I'd rather it be just me time. And my therapist sees nothing wrong with this. I've always had many acquaintances and one or two close friends. I don't see the revalance in my age either. I asked for help dealing with an "elephant in the room" where it regards a person who doesn't seem genuinely interested or happy to be in a one person wedding party for a person she "has" to be friends with in front of a bunch of people she doesn't know. (This is at least how it is appearing) I don't want her to feel uncomfortable or obligated to and that's all I'm really getting from her.

    To the bolded:  I still think this is something you don't get.  You and this person don't HAVE to be friends.  You just have to be merely civil to each other when you get together.  You don't have to have big in depth conversations or hang out together, without your guys, all the time.  You just need to say, "Hi Sally, How are you today?"  "Sally, could you pass the salt."  "Sally, it was good seeing you again.  Bye." 

    As for that "elephant in the room", she probably feels awkward because a person she barely knows asked her to be a MOH.  I would feel awkward trying to plan parties for a person I don't know.  So let your family handle any and all parties that they want to throw for you.  Just send her an invitation to them and let her decline them, if she wants.  Lower your expectations and expect nothing.  Tell her what dress or color dress to buy and if she doesn't do that, then she gets to attend the wedding as a guest.

    [Deleted User]InLoveInQueensSP29
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