Remembering Recently Deceased Mother

Re: Remembering Recently Deceased Mother

• artbyallie mod

  

  November 2015

  Knottie35128127 said:

  Hi, my  fiancee's mother passed a few weeks ago. We're about 8 months out of our wedding so I still have time to plan things. Obviously his family is devastated and I want to make sure she is remembered in an appropriate way, but also not to overshadow the happiness of the day. Does anyone have suggestions of how to remember loved ones? I've seen lots of picture tables ect, but I'm not sure how that will work in our venue. She will for sure be mentioned in the program, but I do feel it's important to do something more than that. Does anyone have any suggestions?

  Avoid anything too prominent because you do not want to cause grief at what is meant to be a happy occasion. Your fiancé could have her picture in his pocket, for example. No picture on a table, no empty seat. That could cause pain for those who might not be expecting to see it.

  

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• holyguacamole79 member

  

  November 2015

  Knottie35128127 said:

  Hi, my  fiancee's mother passed a few weeks ago. We're about 8 months out of our wedding so I still have time to plan things. Obviously his family is devastated and I want to make sure she is remembered in an appropriate way, but also not to overshadow the happiness of the day. Does anyone have suggestions of how to remember loved ones? I've seen lots of picture tables ect, but I'm not sure how that will work in our venue. She will for sure be mentioned in the program, but I do feel it's important to do something more than that. Does anyone have any suggestions?

  I'm sorry for your loss. Did she have a favorite food, flower, or song? You could honor her by incorporating one of these into the ceremony or reception. If she has a scarf or handkerchief, your FI could use it as a pocket square in his jacket. Try to do something subtle and simple to avoid bringing too much attention and potentially upsetting family members. Also, check with FFIL and other family members to make sure they are comfortable with whatever you do.

  
  
  
  
  

  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  November 2015

  I'm very sorry for your loss.
  
  In addition to the suggestions made by PPs, you might give your FI's mother a tribute in a wedding program if you will have them, and if your ceremony is religious, you can mention her during appropriate prayers. Again, check with your FI's family before you do anything to make sure that everyone is in accord with what is done.

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  November 2015

  Another vote for talking to FI & especially FIL to see what they would be comfortable with. It could be as simple as incorporating her favorite flower into your bouquet or the bout's. I've also seen once where someone put a picture inside a small charm & either attached it to the grooms flower or for him to pin inside his jacket as to have her close to his heart. I've also heard of couples stopping before or after the ceremony to the cemetery (when location allows) to leave flowers for the loved one. When it gets closer maybe talk to FIL that you want to do something special to bring in the memory of your MIL into the ceremony, maybe there is a piece of jewelry that he would want to loan you to wear for the day. Any of these things would allow you and those close to her to remember her but in a nice subtle way as not to turn your wedding day into a day of mourning.

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• VicTim328 member

  

  November 2015

  I'm sorry for your loss.  My FI lost his mom a few years ago.  We are getting married on what would have been his parents' anniversary.  We aren't mentioning anything, but he is dancing with my mom (who introduced us) and I am dancing with his dad to his parents' song.
  
  We are also serving her favorite wine during the rehearsal dinner.  She and I share a favorite flower, so we added it to his bout and the bouquets.
  

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• Knottie48283950 member

  

  November 2015

  So very sorry for your loss. We had a similar situation. My fiancé recognized his grandmother, who had recently passed, by wearing custom cufflinks with her photo. (Etsy has some DIY cufflinks that are less than $20).
  
  My fiancé also carried a red rose at the beginning of our ceremony - he walked in with our pastor, and stopped to place the rose on an empty seat in the front row before taking his place. I understand the concern of some members that it may be too emotional, but for us, this was a huge satisfier for his family.
  
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  November 2015 edited November 2015

  Knottie48283950 said:

  So very sorry for your loss. We had a similar situation. My fiancé recognized his grandmother, who had recently passed, by wearing custom cufflinks with her photo. (Etsy has some DIY cufflinks that are less than $20).
  
  My fiancé also carried a red rose at the beginning of our ceremony - he walked in with our pastor, and stopped to place the rose on an empty seat in the front row before taking his place. I understand the concern of some members that it may be too emotional, but for us, this was a huge satisfier for his family.
  
  

  The problem with the bolded is that it is just too funereal a gesture for what should be a happy occasion. The cufflinks were a nice gesture because that was subtle and didn't call everyone's attention to his loss. Empty seats with flowers or photos have the subtlety of an oncoming Mack truck.

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• herrble1015 member

  

  November 2015

  I tied a charm with a photo of my late father onto my bouquet. The thought of larger gestures (setting up a memory table, leaving a chair for him, etc.) made me too sad.

  I agree with PPs that you will have to see what FH and FFIL are comfortable with. This may change a lot over the next 8 months (I know it did for me), so personally I would wait until closer to your wedding date to make any decisions.

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• Jen4948 member

  

  November 2015

  herrble1015 said:

  I tied a charm with a photo of my late father onto my bouquet. The thought of larger gestures (setting up a memory table, leaving a chair for him, etc.) made me too sad.

  I agree with PPs that you will have to see what FH and FFIL are comfortable with. This may change a lot over the next 8 months (I know it did for me), so personally I would wait until closer to your wedding date to make any decisions.

  Be careful with the bolded.  They may be "comfortable" with or insist on something that's not subtle enough for a wedding, like empty chairs.
  

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• VicTim328 member

  

  November 2015

  I would ask FI how he would want to recognize his mother around 1-2 months out, in case there is something that needs to be taken care of logistically with a vendor.  Try not to bring it up until he does.  He may not feel comfortable doing anything, or he may already have some ideas. Some may come across too funeralish. Asking the right questions can help guide his decision.   More than likely, your wedding will be one of the first times everyone comes together since the funeral.  If he wants to do something too sad, try to remind him that "this is the first time everyone will be together since... it may be too hard for everyone (including you) to see an empty chair etc." Your response to his request should help guide him.  It's not like she wasn't a part of your life.  You're enduring the loss as well. 
  
  You never know what he may want.  As Jenn pointed out, he may insist on something very obvious.  Try to guide him.  The more intimate it is, the more special it is.  And just for an idea of how morbid a request can be... My FI initially wanted his mom's urn on a chair at the wedding..... we've come a long way, but not without me asking, "would this be logistically possible... who is responsible for moving and transporting mom to Florida?  Will she be in a carry-on?"....  once that morbid question was asked, it was no longer what he wanted to do.
  

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• herrble1015 member

  

  November 2015

  Jen4948 said:

  herrble1015 said:

  I tied a charm with a photo of my late father onto my bouquet. The thought of larger gestures (setting up a memory table, leaving a chair for him, etc.) made me too sad.

  I agree with PPs that you will have to see what FH and FFIL are comfortable with. This may change a lot over the next 8 months (I know it did for me), so personally I would wait until closer to your wedding date to make any decisions.

  Be careful with the bolded.  They may be "comfortable" with or insist on something that's not subtle enough for a wedding, like empty chairs.
  

  Certainly; I simply meant the OP should not make this decision without conferring with FH and FFIL.
  

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