Wedding Etiquette Forum

Guest list conundrum

My FI and I are just getting started with the planning. We believe we have a venue (yay!!) which everyone has said was the first step. We have recently been talking about the guest list.. A couple has come into question that I feel should be invited, I have known them since I was 5, the husband is now my boss and mentor. He has been amazing at helping me get my foot in the door for my career. Unfortunately there was some drama between him and my future Father in law. They no longer speak after being friends for about 10 years. When the FI and I were talking I mentioned I felt it important to invite them knowing what had happened, he agreed and said if it is important to you than I am ok. The future father in law has recently told my FI that he would rather have someone who is not invited do to a different falling out than this couple. He did say he would be ok if they came he is an adult and would just focus on us.... But if he didn't come then he wouldn't have anything to worry about. I am torn about what to do, I feel strongly they should be invited but don't want to ruffle any feathers with my future in laws or my FI. He stands by his dad, and also has ill feelings about this couple because of that happened with his dad but has said if I believe they are that important then they should be invited. Should I just take that as it is and stop over thinking the situation? Any advice on the subject would be greatly appreciated. I knew the guest list would be difficult but I didn't realize it would hit this fast.

Re: Guest list conundrum

  • My FI and I are just getting started with the planning. We believe we have a venue (yay!!) which everyone has said was the first step. We have recently been talking about the guest list.. A couple has come into question that I feel should be invited, I have known them since I was 5, the husband is now my boss and mentor. He has been amazing at helping me get my foot in the door for my career. Unfortunately there was some drama between him and my future Father in law. They no longer speak after being friends for about 10 years. When the FI and I were talking I mentioned I felt it important to invite them knowing what had happened, he agreed and said if it is important to you than I am ok. The future father in law has recently told my FI that he would rather have someone who is not invited do to a different falling out than this couple. He did say he would be ok if they came he is an adult and would just focus on us.... But if he didn't come then he wouldn't have anything to worry about. I am torn about what to do, I feel strongly they should be invited but don't want to ruffle any feathers with my future in laws or my FI. He stands by his dad, and also has ill feelings about this couple because of that happened with his dad but has said if I believe they are that important then they should be invited. Should I just take that as it is and stop over thinking the situation? Any advice on the subject would be greatly appreciated. I knew the guest list would be difficult but I didn't realize it would hit this fast.
    Who's paying for the wedding?
  • My mom is paying half, my FI and I are covering the other half. There has been talk that the future in laws will help but nothing has gone past a rumor.
  • Not that people should expect to be invited, but could not inviting him due to a problem with FFIL that is unrelated to you reflect poorly on you or make your work situation uncomfortable?  I agree with PP though that it sounds like they will all be fine if in the same room together for an evening.
    image
  • My FI and I are just getting started with the planning. We believe we have a venue (yay!!) which everyone has said was the first step. We have recently been talking about the guest list.. A couple has come into question that I feel should be invited, I have known them since I was 5, the husband is now my boss and mentor. He has been amazing at helping me get my foot in the door for my career. Unfortunately there was some drama between him and my future Father in law. They no longer speak after being friends for about 10 years. When the FI and I were talking I mentioned I felt it important to invite them knowing what had happened, he agreed and said if it is important to you than I am ok. The future father in law has recently told my FI that he would rather have someone who is not invited do to a different falling out than this couple. He did say he would be ok if they came he is an adult and would just focus on us.... But if he didn't come then he wouldn't have anything to worry about. I am torn about what to do, I feel strongly they should be invited but don't want to ruffle any feathers with my future in laws or my FI. He stands by his dad, and also has ill feelings about this couple because of that happened with his dad but has said if I believe they are that important then they should be invited. Should I just take that as it is and stop over thinking the situation? Any advice on the subject would be greatly appreciated. I knew the guest list would be difficult but I didn't realize it would hit this fast.
    I can't make sense of this sentence and I can't tell if understanding it makes a difference. Can you please let us know what you meant here, OP?
  • lc07 said:
    My FI and I are just getting started with the planning. We believe we have a venue (yay!!) which everyone has said was the first step. We have recently been talking about the guest list.. A couple has come into question that I feel should be invited, I have known them since I was 5, the husband is now my boss and mentor. He has been amazing at helping me get my foot in the door for my career. Unfortunately there was some drama between him and my future Father in law. They no longer speak after being friends for about 10 years. When the FI and I were talking I mentioned I felt it important to invite them knowing what had happened, he agreed and said if it is important to you than I am ok. The future father in law has recently told my FI that he would rather have someone who is not invited do to a different falling out than this couple. He did say he would be ok if they came he is an adult and would just focus on us.... But if he didn't come then he wouldn't have anything to worry about. I am torn about what to do, I feel strongly they should be invited but don't want to ruffle any feathers with my future in laws or my FI. He stands by his dad, and also has ill feelings about this couple because of that happened with his dad but has said if I believe they are that important then they should be invited. Should I just take that as it is and stop over thinking the situation? Any advice on the subject would be greatly appreciated. I knew the guest list would be difficult but I didn't realize it would hit this fast.
    I can't make sense of this sentence and I can't tell if understanding it makes a difference. Can you please let us know what you meant here, OP?
    My reading is that FFIL has had a falling out with a different couple, not currently on the guest list, and he told OP and FI he'd rather that couple be invited. But if the ILS aren't paying for anything -- which they aren't obligated anyway -- they can't really dictate the guest list. Presumably all of these people are adults can act accordingly for a night. 

    All of that said, OP, you are doing this ALL backwards. I'm not sure who told you the venue is the first step but they were incorrect. The first step is the guest list, then you pick a venue. 
    image
  • The first step should have been your guest list, without that how did you know what size space to rent?  I would invite them, FFIL said he would deal, and if he is that important in your career then it could be look bad on you not to invite him.  Make sure you put them at a table far away from FFIL and expect them to all act like adults.
  • Your FFIL is not paying, so he really gets no say in guest list. Yes, it's kind to ask both sets of parents about who they would like invited, but you are under no obligation to invite who he wants/doesn't want. 

    He's already told you he can act like an adult for one day. Unless he's given you some reason to think this is not true, take him at his word. If this other guy is your boss and mentor, I'll go out on a limb and assume that he is also mature enough to act like an adult for an evening.

    Invite him and just don't seat them near each other. Unless there are less than 20 people in the room, they'll have no reason to even speak to each other if they don't want to. And even if they do, two adults can have brief niceties without it being an incident. 
  • Your FFIL is not paying, so he really gets no say in guest list. Yes, it's kind to ask both sets of parents about who they would like invited, but you are under no obligation to invite who he wants/doesn't want. 

    He's already told you he can act like an adult for one day. Unless he's given you some reason to think this is not true, take him at his word. If this other guy is your boss and mentor, I'll go out on a limb and assume that he is also mature enough to act like an adult for an evening.

    Invite him and just don't seat them near each other. Unless there are less than 20 people in the room, they'll have no reason to even speak to each other if they don't want to. And even if they do, two adults can have brief niceties without it being an incident. 
    She hasn't said this yet ... which is why I asked.
  • Your FFIL is not paying, so he really gets no say in guest list. Yes, it's kind to ask both sets of parents about who they would like invited, but you are under no obligation to invite who he wants/doesn't want. 

    He's already told you he can act like an adult for one day. Unless he's given you some reason to think this is not true, take him at his word. If this other guy is your boss and mentor, I'll go out on a limb and assume that he is also mature enough to act like an adult for an evening.

    Invite him and just don't seat them near each other. Unless there are less than 20 people in the room, they'll have no reason to even speak to each other if they don't want to. And even if they do, two adults can have brief niceties without it being an incident. 
    She hasn't said this yet ... which is why I asked.
    Yeah she did. Like 4th post, she said her mom is paying half, she and her FI are paying the other half. 
  • I would invite him and like someone else said, seat them away from each other.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Your FFIL is not paying, so he really gets no say in guest list. Yes, it's kind to ask both sets of parents about who they would like invited, but you are under no obligation to invite who he wants/doesn't want. 

    He's already told you he can act like an adult for one day. Unless he's given you some reason to think this is not true, take him at his word. If this other guy is your boss and mentor, I'll go out on a limb and assume that he is also mature enough to act like an adult for an evening.

    Invite him and just don't seat them near each other. Unless there are less than 20 people in the room, they'll have no reason to even speak to each other if they don't want to. And even if they do, two adults can have brief niceties without it being an incident. 
    She hasn't said this yet ... which is why I asked.
    Yeah she did. Like 4th post, she said her mom is paying half, she and her FI are paying the other half. 
    Oops, my bad.  You're right ... I didn't see that comment.

    I agree, then.  Your FFIL gets no say.  
  • Agree with PP that FFIL gets no say.  It's always nice to try to accommodate the parents and FIL's, even if they are not paying.

    You have a relationship with this couple that exists without your FFIL.  You've known this man from the time you were basically in kindergarten.   How does your mom feel about it?  I'd imagine she has some sort of relationship with him, be it business or what not. This is your boss and mentor. Are you inviting other colleagues? Sometimes this could pose professional consequences.

    FI is in a tough situation.  This man has had some problems with his dad, but at the same time, should be grateful for how he has treated his future wife.

    This man knows there is bad blood between him and your FFIL.  He may be just as uncomfortable about the situation.  Frankly, even if invited, I would be willing to bet he doesn't come.  He's done a lot to help you, and sounds like he has your best interest at heart.  These men are important to you and should be able to act like adults on your wedding day.

    I would still invite him.  If he plans on coming, seat him with your side of the family or your colleagues, far away from your FFIL.  If you think it will help (and only if it will help), maybe even approach your FFIL and say "thanks for being okay with me inviting my boss.  I know it's a hard subject, and I appreciate you being understanding of how he has played a major role in my life.  thank you for being a good father."
  • Invite your boss/mentor if he is important to you and you want him there. Expect him and FFIL to act like adults. Seat them away from each other and all shall be fine. They don't have to interact if they don't want to. 
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