It's been a while... DH/FI/SO venting

SP29 · November 2015

DH and I are pretty young, but we seem to have adopted fairly old fashioned gender roles. Sometimes I get annoyed, but then I feel I have also created this myself...

I do 95% of the cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, taking care of the cat and garbages. DH manages our finances, and does any of the small work on the cars that he can. We live in a rental, so we don't have to do any lawn maintenance, but that would definitely fall to him if we did (I would make sure of it

). He goes grocery shopping with me and pays for it, but I make the list. If we do any cooking for family/friends coming over, he usually takes the lead on that. I tease him about that, that I am the one doing the "daily grind" of cooking, while he does the fancy stuff and gets all the credit from everyone well saying, "Oh this is SOO good!"- mind you, the man CAN cook.

Sometimes I get annoyed, because we both work full time, yet I do all of the household stuff. He'll do stuff if I ask him to, but sometimes I get annoyed that I have to ask (like to wash the dishes!). This started when we first started living together. I was *only* in school, while he was in school and working part time (but near 30 hours per week) fully supporting us (which includes the 2 cats we had at the time and my horse). Thus, it made sense that I was doing all the household stuff. So this trend set, and continued that way.

When I said above I've also created this, part of the problem is me. I'm very particular about things (particularly once I've taken ownership of something, I like to continue that way), and in general, I care more about what the house looks like, that we're eating enough vegetables, etc. One time I had been out of town for school and came home on the weekend to find nothing done. Then I got mad and told him to step up and vacuum. Yet when he did, I found myself watching what he was doing and telling him, "You need to vacuum under that"- which isn't fair either. I shouldn't criticize when he does do stuff around the house.

I've accepted that I'm going to be the one doing most of the cleaning, because it bothers me more when the house is untidy. Saying all the above- DH is not a slob and he has never once complained that the house is dirty or the laundry isn't done- it's me that thinks "I really NEED to dust"- I'm working on that mentality for myself too, which is a separate issue.

So yes, I also do both of our laundry, fold it and put it away. I have refused to iron his work clothes.

When we have kids, something will definitely need to change. But what is most likely is that I will work less, which I'm not against either.

JaniV123 · November 2015

lyndausvi said:

madamerwin said:

lyndausvi said:

We combine our laundry. I hate wasting water and electric/gas and prefer to do full loads. Since I'm home more often I mostly do the laundry, which includes DH's. Now he will often throw the laundry in the wash, but he rarely gets past that step. If I didn't do DH's laundry, he would do it himself, but like I said before, I prefer doing full loads. By default I do his too.

DH irons all his chef jackets. I hate ironing in general, I will be damned if I will iron his jackets every day. F'that. Not that he has every asked me to iron. Once he decided to stop having them dry cleaned he took it upon himself to iron, so it's really a non-issue.

I guess my H and I just have a lot of laundry! We only do full loads, and we each usually only have 1-2 loads a week (which usually all happen on Sunday). If I don't have enough for a second load of my own stuff, I either grab some of his clothes, or wash the towels with my whites... I just don't get anyone refusing to do their own laundry.

Yeah, I don't get that either. I get one half is better at the task, might enjoy doing it or like me is just home more to get it done.

For example DH's idea of doing laundry is putting in the washer (on his way out the door for work). It seems to take him a few days to move it over to the dryer. Mostly because after he has been at work for 15 hours he forgot he even started a load. Then another day to pull it out. (again he forgets he even started the process). Folding and putting away might never happen as he is perfectly fine pulling out clothes from the basket to wear.

Now I'm a get the wash all done in a few hours type person. I'm definitely more "in tune" with sounds of the washer and dryer finishing and will just go up and switch the loads.

By default I do more the laundry because I actually get it done in a reasonable amount of time. And get this I PUT THE SHIT AWAY. What a concept?

However, if DH flat out refused to do his own laundry there would be an issue. He can and will do laundry, but his time frame on doing it drives me crazy. There is more then one way to do things so I don't make it a point of contention. It's more like I prefer my way and I'm willing to do it most of the time. Occasionally I will let him do it all.

To the bolded I'm the same way @lindausvi only I HATE putting things away and after doing 7-9 loads in a day I'm sick of laundry so my resolution is do ALL the laundry, throw it on the bed after it's dry and I fold while he puts away before we go to bed. It's also a good way to have 30 min of talking and relaxing together.

HAGGSTOBE314 · November 2015

Smh i could rant for daaaaayyyysss !!! my SO is on a career fuss AGAIN !!! i am a CSA so working weekends are mandatory for me 95% of the time and she is sooooooo upset because she has every weekend off and is home alone and wants to spend the weekends with me because she works her other 2 jobs mon-friday but i keep trying to explain the career field im in i cant easily get weekends off and its sooooo annoying when she gets in these pissy moods and get all sad and fussy about my job and i just wanna scream and tell her to shut up but i love her and i could understand her need for effection and attention especially now that we are engaged but her attitudes drive me up the friggin wall man uggh !!!!!!!

*wipes forhead* that felt good lol !!!!

lyndausvi · November 2015

HAGGSTOBE314 said:

Smh i could rant for daaaaayyyysss !!! my SO is on a career fuss AGAIN !!! i am a CSA so working weekends are mandatory for me 95% of the time and she is sooooooo upset because she has every weekend off and is home alone and wants to spend the weekends with me because she works her other 2 jobs mon-friday but i keep trying to explain the career field im in i cant easily get weekends off and its sooooo annoying when she gets in these pissy moods and get all sad and fussy about my job and i just wanna scream and tell her to shut up but i love her and i could understand her need for effection and attention especially now that we are engaged but her attitudes drive me up the friggin wall man uggh !!!!!!!

*wipes forhead* that felt good lol !!!!

I work Monday-Friday too. My DH works most nights, weekends and holidays. I'm okay with the arrangement most of the time, but sometimes it's really hard to deal with.

In the summer he went from Mid-may to Sept with only 1 full day off. He could work every night but to keep me sane he takes off one night for a date night.

Between now and end of March he only works a little on Wed day, then Thursday - Sunday nights). So while we do not get a full day off together, I do get him 3 nights a week for dinner and 2 mornings/afternoons together before he heads in.

I'm sure it would be hard with 3 different jobs to coordinate, but if possible I work out something where you can have either a day off together or at least an morning/afternoon or something at least once a month. Whether that means you ask to take off one weekend day off a month, or she cuts back on one of her jobs once a month.

From personal experience it's been a lifesaver for us. Just yesterday we woke up, went to the ski races, had lunch, did house stuff. Then DH went off to work. It was nice hanging out with DH for the afternoon.

HAGGSTOBE314 · November 2015

@lyndausvi : i recently saw on Facebook a date night jar that i thought may actually help, she felt the need to get another job due to the wedding so im having a hard time talking her out of it... but i think i will talk with my superiors and see if i can have a set day off every month to go along with her like you said because its killing our vibe big time

It's been a while... DH/FI/SO venting

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