Bridesmaids

Knottie1443576616 · October 2015

am really luck and have 5 best friends that are sisters to me and then my sister. My fiancee also has three sisters and a very close family. I always thought that my wedding party would consist of just may sister as MOH and his brother as BM.
Questions:
1. Do most brides as their future sister in laws to be bridesmaids? (I know it would mean a lot to his family)
2. Is it ridic to have so many girls? They would wear different color dresses on the same color pallette and diff styles
3. My fiancee doesn't have a lot of close friends and thinks it will look awful to have an unbalanced party...I don't think it matters. I don't just want him to choose anyone
Help.....

Jen4948 · October 2015

1. Some do, some don't. It's up to you-not his family, just as it's up to your FI, not your family, whether or not he includes anyone from your side. Don't ask anyone just because "it would mean a lot to" X. Only ask them if you really want to and if you feel really close to them.

2. No, it isn't ridiculous.

3. Sides don't have to be even. And it's up to him who he chooses for his side.

Maggie0829 · October 2015

So you are mainly asking these girls to be in your wedding so that they can plan parties for you? No, just no.

If you and your FI only want to have a MOH and a BM as your wedding party then that is what you should do. Anyone can plan a party for you if they really want to. Making someone a BM does not automatically mean you will get a party. And if your sister does want to plan you a party she certainly has the choice to reach out to your friends to see if they want to help out/be involved. Also you do realize that if your friends aren't in your wedding they can still help you with wedding stuff (but only if they want to) right?

So in conclusion, have your wedding party how you want but remember that when you include people it does not mean that they have to help you with wedding planning or plan you parties.

ShesSoCold · October 2015

What Jen said. Also, sides don't have to be the same sex. Your FI can have his sisters stand on his side as well.

I'd also like to add that there really aren't any "duties" for the bridal party besides to wear the outfit and stand. Anyone can throw you a shower (or not). My sister was my MOH but she and a few of our friends who didn't even come to the wedding threw me a shower. Likewise, if no one offers to have a shower for you, you don't get one. Same with the bachelorette. Lots of people don't have them.

JediElizabeth · October 2015

My future sister-in-law is goin to be on my FI's side, not mine. I'll have my sis, 3 of my best girl friends, and 2 of my best boys.

I'd personally feel so weird having my FSIL standing on my side instead of his, because I barely know her at all.

redoryx · October 2015

Knottie1443576616 said:

am really luck and have 5 best friends that are sisters to me and then my sister. My fiancee also has three sisters and a very close family. I always thought that my wedding party would consist of just may sister as MOH and his brother as BM. But my sister lives in Cali and it really is a lot for her to plan the shower and bach on her own . In addition I want to do the whole planning and fun stuff with my girls....
Questions:
1. Do most brides as their future sister in laws to be bridesmaids? (I know it would mean a lot to his family)
2. Is it ridic to have so many girls? They would wear different color dresses on the same color pallette and diff styles
3. My fiancee doesn't have a lot of close friends and thinks it will look awful to have an unbalanced party...I don't think it matters. I don't just want him to choose anyone
Help.....

You should not be planning the bridal shower or the bach party. And, to that point, you only get a bridal shower or bach party if someone offers to host it for you. So just because you name someone your MOH doesn't mean they are obligated to host a party for you, so distance doesn't matter and choosing someone based on their ability to throw you a party is not okay.

aurianna · October 2015

To summarize PPs:

Don't pick your bridal party off of who is most likely to throw parties for you. Pre-weddings are not a requirement of the bridal party. Anyone can offer to throw one or not throw one.

Sides don't need to be even. What's more important? Your nearest and dearest at your side, or symmetrical pictures? Float that thought by your FI.

You should put your nearest and dearest next to you. If you are close to his sisters, sure, ask them. If you aren't, maybe he would like to ask them on his side.

As far as the attire, the rule is asking each member of the bridal party his/er budget, privately and individually, before picking a dress that's below the lowest budget. That's if you want them all wearing the same dress. There's no rule on this. You could pick a designer and color and let them pick whatever. Or even just pick a color and let them pick whatever dress they want.

There are no bridesmaid duties other than showing up to the wedding on time, sober, in the appropriate attire.

peachy13 · October 2015

Knottie1443576616 said:

am really luck and have 5 best friends that are sisters to me and then my sister. My fiancee also has three sisters and a very close family. I always thought that my wedding party would consist of just may sister as MOH and his brother as BM. But my sister lives in Cali and it really is a lot for her to plan the shower and bach on her own . In addition I want to do the whole planning and fun stuff with my girls....
Questions:
1. Do most brides as their future sister in laws to be bridesmaids? (I know it would mean a lot to his family)
2. Is it ridic to have so many girls? They would wear different color dresses on the same color pallette and diff styles
3. My fiancee doesn't have a lot of close friends and thinks it will look awful to have an unbalanced party...I don't think it matters. I don't just want him to choose anyone
Help.....

So I'm gathering that you either want to have your sister be your MOH with no bridesmaids, or have your sister be your MOH plus 8 bridesmaids. Either one is fine. And neither option is ridiculous (for what it's worth, I have my sister as my MOH, plus 8 bridesmaids, including my future sisters in law).

One thing though that I know others will touch on is that you shouldn't assume your bridal party is automatically throwing you a shower and bachelorette party, and you shouldn't assume they will be at your beck and call for "wedding planning and fun stuff."

lembaslover · October 2015

1.We didn't ask siblings to be in our wedding party, we did ask them to do a reading at the ceremony though.

2. It's not that ridiculous. Keep in mind the larger your wedding party the higher the cost to you. (thank you gifts, larger vehicle for transportation if you're doing that, hair/makeup if you are requiring it, etc...)

3. Sides don't have to be even. Also sides don't have to conform to one gender. One of my best friends is a guy so I asked him to stand up next to me rather than have my FI who's met him only a couple times ask him. He could ask his sisters to stand up next to him if he wants to. They can still wear dresses like the ones your bridesmaids will be wearing.

Also it's not the MOH's job to plan any of the parties. Their only job is just to show up mostly sober on time on your wedding day in the dress you choose. So if you each just wanted 1 person initially and are now switching to have a few parties you are doing it wrong. Ask the people you couldn't imagine not standing up next to, no one more no one less. If that's 9 people on your side and 1 on his, that's fine, if it's just 1 for each of you, that's fine too.

Knottie1443576616 · October 2015

maybe I worded myself wrong! Yes I would like them to help with the planning but because we have all been dreaming of this day for so long. We have all spoken of the shower and bach party already. By no means do I expect anyone to have these events for me. As I said we would do the planning together So sorry my words were wrongly understood.

JediElizabeth · October 2015

Knottie1443576616 said:
maybe I worded myself wrong! Yes I would like them to help with the planning but because we have all been dreaming of this day for so long. We have all spoken of the shower and bach party already. By no means do I expect anyone to have these events for me. As I said we would do the planning together So sorry my words were wrongly understood.

I think people around here are so quick to point this faux pas out because it's SO common, and most brides seem to feel entitled to these parties.

That said, you've gotten some really good advice from PPs here, so good luck putting it all together!

(Edited because comment posted halfway through)

aurianna · October 2015

Knottie1443576616 said:

maybe I worded myself wrong! Yes I would like them to help with the planning but because we have all been dreaming of this day for so long. We have all spoken of the shower and bach party already. By no means do I expect anyone to have these events for me. As I said we would do the planning together So sorry my words were wrongly understood.

Just because you've all been dreaming of the wedding doesn't mean they actually want to do any sort of work for you.
I think it's ok to say "Anyone that has any ideas on venue/invitations/etc, I'm happy to hear them!" but then leave it at that. Let them come to you.
And you can say "Hey, I'm making DIY xyz for the wedding this weekend. If anyone wants to come over, I'll order pizza, red box a movie and have wine" but leave it there, very casual with no expectation what-so-ever (and anyone that does show up, keep the wedding stuff under 3 hours to avoid burn out).

Your friends are happy for you, I'm sure. But that doesn't mean they don't have their own lives. Not all of them might be super excited about helping with wedding chores though.

As for showers and bach parties, I would stop talking about these with them. In the future if someone brings something up about it, ok. But stop talking about it or it will seem like an expectation. And no, you really should not be heavily involved in planning these things. Because:
1) It turns into your throwing a party for yourself with the expectations of gifts and attention (this is very tacky)
2) Your "plans" may prove to be more expensive or involved than they'd wanted / can afford but they won't want to disappoint you.

Best to stay out of the party planning.
Your involvement should be: your giving them a guest list once they've told you how many people they can afford to host and
your input on the dates.

You can also answer yes/no to questions directly posed to you. Like if someone says "We were thinking about an out of town weekend for the bach party. Is that ok?" You can say ok. But you can't say "Hey bridesmaids! I want to go to Vegas for my bach party!"

lembaslover · October 2015

OP for future reference there was no point in editing your post to not include the party bit. You were quoted so everyone can see it. It's easy to misspeak so the fact that you address what you meant later is fine, anyone following the thread will understand.

I'm just going to throw this out here in addition to what I said above. If you really want just a BM and MOH you should do that (which it sounded like was your original plan). Your other friends/sisters/FSILs can still help your sister plan your shower and parties if they wish to. There's nothing that says only the bridal party can plan parties just like there's nothing that says the bridal party has to plan parties. I only had 1 bridesmaid come to my shower, it was still a lot of fun and I loved it.

jessandnick629 · November 2015

I asked my Fiances sister to be my MOH. We aren't very close, but she had been hinting that she'd like to be my MOH from when we first started planning. I thought that if I didn't ask her, it would hurt any chance we had at getting close and make her very upset with me. So I asked, and she very happily agreed and was wanting to talk about everything wedding related and constantly saying I could ask her for help with anything. Well, when it came time to start asking for her help (like with BM dresses), she has flaked out. She says she'll look, but never does, and any suggestions I show her she turns down, even though they were what she said She wanted for a dress. She also won't help with anything, and whenever we talk about wedding stuff she turns it into talking about what she wants for her wedding. Keep in mind she just turned 18 a week ago and has not dated. If she was engaged and planning her wedding, I would totally understand. But I asked her because I thought it would help us get closer and make her/everyone else happy, and it has come down to me essentially regretting it because we are not close at all, and even though I'd be happy to have her included if we were closer or if she was more willing to talk/be included, with the way things have been going I wish I would have saved the spot for my close friend instead. Maybe it would be different for you, but in my experience it was not a wise choice to ask my SIL to be my MOH.

Jen4948 · November 2015

jessandnick629 said:

I asked my Fiances sister to be my MOH. We aren't very close, but she had been hinting that she'd like to be my MOH from when we first started planning. I thought that if I didn't ask her, it would hurt any chance we had at getting close and make her very upset with me. So I asked, and she very happily agreed and was wanting to talk about everything wedding related and constantly saying I could ask her for help with anything. Well, when it came time to start asking for her help (like with BM dresses), she has flaked out. She says she'll look, but never does, and any suggestions I show her she turns down, even though they were what she said She wanted for a dress. She also won't help with anything, and whenever we talk about wedding stuff she turns it into talking about what she wants for her wedding. Keep in mind she just turned 18 a week ago and has not dated. If she was engaged and planning her wedding, I would totally understand. But I asked her because I thought it would help us get closer and make her/everyone else happy, and it has come down to me essentially regretting it because we are not close at all, and even though I'd be happy to have her included if we were closer or if she was more willing to talk/be included, with the way things have been going I wish I would have saved the spot for my close friend instead. Maybe it would be different for you, but in my experience it was not a wise choice to ask my SIL to be my MOH.

The bolded wasn't the right reason to ask her. If you weren't already close, asking her to be your bridesmaid wasn't going to do that. That's why we advise that you should not ask anyone, regardless of how they're related to you or your FI or who it might make happy other than yourself, if you aren't already close to that person.

She's not required to help with anything. That is not a "duty" of a bridesmaid.

The only "duty" she has as a bridesmaid is to get whatever dress you designate, show up in it on time, sober, and in good spirits, go up and down the aisle with you, and pose for some photos. It's not her "duty" to do DIY projects with you, host or attend pre- or post-wedding parties with you, or do setup or cleanup at your wedding.

That said, if she doesn't pay for and show up at your wedding in the right dress, she's taken herself out of your wedding party and you don't have to let her walk up or down the aisle with you or otherwise do anything a bridal party member would do.

jessandnick629 · December 2015

When I say she won't help with anything, I don't mean DIY stuff or pre wedding parties. We are not having an engagement party or bridal shower. I've asked her to help pick out bridesmaids dresses, since every suggestion I've given her she's turned down, even through they were dresses that matched what she said She wanted in a dress. So I've pretty much given her free reign over the dresses. She also threw a fit over going shopping for my dress, as she originally wasn't going to go, until she found out X person was going. Then she pouted about how X person doesn't deserve to go and that she should go, even though she was invited and turned it Down. We brought her with to keep the peace instead of X person, and then she pouted the whole time we were there about how she didn't want to be there, and gave no input on the dresses while everyone else did. She came to me wanting to help with the cake (I never asked or told her she needed to help, since its not her responsibility) but when I tried talking to her about it she flipped and didn't want anything to do with it. Like I said it's not her responsibility, so it's fine that she doesn't want to help, but it's just the fact that she says she wants to help and be included and brings up all this wedding stuff, then when its time to talk about it she acts like it's the end of the world and is miserable. I just want her to make up her mind on if she wants to be included or not. I'm not forcing her to be included if she doesn't want to. I just can't stand how she throws a fit and pouts to be included then flips and doesn't want anything to do with it. I need to know if I can count on her to pick a dress or get the dress I choose and show up on time and participate.

Jen4948 · December 2015

Well, if she says she wants to help and then flips on you and gets pouty again, tell her, "Look, Friend, if you want to be involved in my wedding as you keep claiming you do, then I need you to stop pouting and complaining when I ask for your input. That's how I'm trying to involve you. If you don't stop pouting and complaining, I'm not going to try to involve you anymore." And follow through if she does it again.

AddieCake · December 2015

Yeah, @jessandnick629 , you need to squash that. It's not fair to you for her to keep saying she wants to do this and that and then being pissy and not wanting to do it.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

jessandnick629 said:

When I say she won't help with anything, I don't mean DIY stuff or pre wedding parties. We are not having an engagement party or bridal shower. I've asked her to help pick out bridesmaids dresses, since every suggestion I've given her she's turned down, even through they were dresses that matched what she said She wanted in a dress. So I've pretty much given her free reign over the dresses. She also threw a fit over going shopping for my dress, as she originally wasn't going to go, until she found out X person was going. Then she pouted about how X person doesn't deserve to go and that she should go, even though she was invited and turned it Down. We brought her with to keep the peace instead of X person, and then she pouted the whole time we were there about how she didn't want to be there, and gave no input on the dresses while everyone else did. She came to me wanting to help with the cake (I never asked or told her she needed to help, since its not her responsibility) but when I tried talking to her about it she flipped and didn't want anything to do with it. Like I said it's not her responsibility, so it's fine that she doesn't want to help, but it's just the fact that she says she wants to help and be included and brings up all this wedding stuff, then when its time to talk about it she acts like it's the end of the world and is miserable. I just want her to make up her mind on if she wants to be included or not. I'm not forcing her to be included if she doesn't want to. I just can't stand how she throws a fit and pouts to be included then flips and doesn't want anything to do with it. I need to know if I can count on her to pick a dress or get the dress I choose and show up on time and participate.

If she doesn't have the dress on the day of the wedding, she has taken herself out of the wedding party. Simple as that. Either she buys what you ask her to buy, i.e. "Floor length blue dress, any shade of blue, any fabric." or she picks a dress and tells you what she's chosen. I don't see where the trouble is. And besides a dress, you stop talking to her about your wedding.

glasgowtolondon · December 2015

That sounds super frustrating @jessandnick629. There is obviously something odd going on with your bridesmaid if she is behaving that way. I think the only way around it is to decline any help she offers in the future as it sounds like she is just making it harder. Just tell her 'oh thank you for the kind offer but my mum/FMIL/sister is already helping'. Not worththe stress!

As for the dress, it sounds like you have a couple of options...1) pick a few dresses in budget and variable style to offer choice and tell her 'friend, these are the acceptable dresses. Please pick from these'. OR
2) 'Friend, please pick any dress you would like so long as it is blue and floor length (for example) it is your decision'.

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