9 years later...

Mickey9998 · January 2010

I have been engaged to my BF for 9 years now. We went ring shopping back in the fall, but nothing has happened. I moved 1 year ago to be close to his job and now commute an 1 1/2 hours each way to work. I'm not sure if I should have a dead line that if he doesn't know if he wants to be with me by now I should end things or should I just be patient? We have talked about getting married and he keeps telling me to be patient. I don't know what to do or how much longer to let this continue?

Acrosthec · January 2010

I'm confused. Can you please explain again? Are you dating and waiting to be engaged, or engaged without a ring and he just won't go through with marriage?

Mickey9998 · January 2010

We are dating not engaged, we have been dating for 9 years now...we looked at rings together in the fall but nothing has happened yet.

MidniteRae · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_9-years-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:47494318-203c-4fc4-90ba-af09226cdb7cPost:084de81b-2176-413d-8814-fd3371b918f9">9 years later...</a>:
[QUOTE]I have been engaged to my BF for 9 years now. We went ring shopping back in the fall, but nothing has happened. I moved 1 year ago to be close to his job and now commute an 1 1/2 hours each way to work. I'm not sure if I should have a dead line that if he doesn't know if he wants to be with me by now I should end things or should I just be patient? We have talked about getting married and he keeps telling me to be patient. I don't know what to do or how much longer to let this continue?
Posted by 192867875009243[/QUOTE]

Wait... what? Your post doesn't really make sense to me. Are you just dating BF and hasn't propsed yet or are you engaged without a ring and he won't set a date? More info please.

MidniteRae · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_9-years-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:47494318-203c-4fc4-90ba-af09226cdb7cPost:7fbb848b-8925-4ff1-818a-f3c6c1c24d77">Re: 9 years later...</a>:
[QUOTE]We are dating not engaged, we have been dating for 9 years now...we looked at rings together in the fall but nothing has happened yet.
Posted by 192867875009243[/QUOTE]

You just answered a question fo rme. I saw this post after I posted. How old are you two?

Mickey9998 · January 2010

We are dating and he has not proposed yet.

Mickey9998 · January 2010

Both mid 20's.

kismo · January 2010

how old are you both? maybe he's waiting for school or financial reasons?

noelle24 · January 2010

I don't have the time or the mental capacity to deal with this post right now, but I wish you the best of luck. I think you'll need it.

MidniteRae · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_9-years-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:47494318-203c-4fc4-90ba-af09226cdb7cPost:0c10e27f-1a37-4221-94b5-f39f3a7e37f2">Re: 9 years later...</a>:
[QUOTE]Both mid 20's.
Posted by 192867875009243[/QUOTE]
Have you talked to him about why? or does he just say to be patient..end of story? Are either of you in school? Maybe he wants to wait to he , you, or both of you graduate

jeanacorina · January 2010

Huh..... mid-20s. Are either of you still in school? Are you both financially stable? Uhh....... grasping at straws............

He sounds like he doesn't want to get married. If he did, why wouldn't he just MARRY you already?

**Mutley** · January 2010

Hmmm, considering that you joined TK over 7 years ago...

desertsun · January 2010

That's a long time to wait...I agree that it sounds like he doesn't want to be married.

I would let him know you don't want to keep waiting and have a talk about it. DON'T give HIM an ultimatum/deadline.

You don't want to wonder if he proposed b/c he truly wanted to marry you or b/c it was easier than you leaving.

But do set yourself a deadline of how much longer you are willing to wait. I personally am of the opinion that if he won't propose of his own accord, it may be a case of "he's just not that into you."

STICK TO YOUR DEADLINE AND LEAVE if he doesn't propose within the timeframe you've set yourself.

You deserve better.

I'm sorry. I know it has to be tough. Good luck!

Ana_2985 · January 2010

Without anymore information, my advice is to get out now. Before you're 40 and still unmarried and he leaves you for some hot 22 year old.

paintgirl · January 2010

Mid-20's? So you've been dating since you were 16 or something? It happens. Sometimes. In movies. Usually on Lifetime. Or Lifetime Movie Network.

Ask him. What are his intentions after 9 years of bliss? If he doesn't respond favorably, run like the wind.

(And I'm not knocking people who were childhood sweethearts and have happy relationships, I'm just saying odds are not in favor of long-term success.)

emarston1 · January 2010

If you've been together 9 years, you should *hopefully* feel comfortable enough to talk to him about important issues (ex. marriage.) You need to have a honest conversation with him about what you both picture your future. Are you married, together but not married, single, etc.

You need to prepare yourself that he may never want to get married. If this is the case then you need to ask yourself if that is okay with you. If it's not, don't kid yourself and think that he'll change or that you will eventually be okay with not being married. If you both want different things, you want different things.

katanne9 · January 2010

If you have been together for 9 years and can't have an honest, frank conversation about your future, you are in the wrong relationship.

Sit him down, be frank, talk it through.

You say you've look at rings, do you guys have a projected timeline?? Does he have a ring and is waiting to propose? Did he go looking to appease you? More info?

KD+BC · January 2010

Ditto to pretty much everyone else. You NEED to be able to communicate if you think you want to get married. You need to sit down and talk about timelines. GL

emmyroo · January 2010

My parents dated for 9 years before they got married. They met when they were 16/17 and got married at 25/26. However, they waited until my dad had finished school, which took a little longer. That, to me, is an okay reason to wait, as well as making sure you're stable financially, have steady jobs/careers, etc. I agree with the others that you need to 1. talk to him about what he has in mind for the future of your relationship, and 2. be prepared that if he doesn't want to marry you, you may decide that you need to leave.

Don't stay in a relationship that isn't in line with your life's dreams, goals, etc. It just isn't healthy. I had a friend that stayed in a relationship from high school all through college. I think it was a "bad habit" that she didn't want to break - she was just in the relationship because of the history, not because he was a good fit for her. She did eventually break up with him, but she wasted a lot of time and heartache on this guy who wasn't going to marry her anyway and wasn't the greatest guy to begin with. (I never liked him much from the beginning and while my friend knew this, I supported her any way I could.)

To sum up, talk to your boyfriend about what may be holding him back from marrying you and make sure that whatever decision you make is good for you.

Button5807 · January 2010

You're asking us instead of him that itself should be a big clue for you.

hetshup · January 2010

I have nothing helpful, but I would like to call shenanigans.

Button5807 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_9-years-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:47494318-203c-4fc4-90ba-af09226cdb7cPost:3f20ae71-d1f5-49d8-861d-144593b863fe">Re: 9 years later...</a>:
[QUOTE]I have nothing helpful, but I would like to call shenanigans.
Posted by hetshup[/QUOTE]

7 years of shenanigans gets some kind of trophy

hetshup · January 2010

PS shenanigans is what I use for MUD. It's more fun to say though!

Button5807 · January 2010

lol i figured as much.

pinkpinot · January 2010

I like cheese

SopranoChicka · January 2010

OK, so at the risk of perhaps fueling the possible MUD...

Let's look at this objectively OP. If you are both mid-20s, let's say 25. If you have been dating for 9 years, that would put you both at around 16 when you began dating. Had you gotten married after 2-3 years of dating (as I have seen seems to be 'normal'), you would have only been 18-19.... Realistically, the majority of people get engaged somewhere around 22-28, so really there are only a few years that you could have been engaged without being pretty young to make those choices IMHO.

Yes, it's 'shocking' to other people to say that you've been waiting 9 years to get engaged to your BF, and yes, it would be a little bit if you were say 35+. However, the reality of the situation is that it would have been just as shocking to be on here at 18 saying that you were engaged.

Oh, and so you don't say that I'm just a bitter old knottie, jealous that I don't have a ring, I too am in my mid-20s, and I too have been with DBF for 5+ years.

babybchbum · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_9-years-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:47494318-203c-4fc4-90ba-af09226cdb7cPost:13116cf3-608e-4e73-b0ae-fd88ab36d57b">Re: 9 years later...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: 9 years later... : 7 years of shenanigans gets some kind of trophy
Posted by Button5807[/QUOTE]

Button you never stop making me laugh. The fact that this poor woman joined 7 years ago and has played the waiting game since I hope that is more information than any of us can tell her that he isn't ready to settle down.

Button5807 · January 2010

Or maybe she's been trying for seven years to get the answer she wants instead of the truth. She won't go away until we tell her that's he's been waiting all this time b/c he's planning the perfect proposal and that takes an awful lot of time.

**Mutley** · January 2010

Soprano, while I agree with you in theory. The OP is coming here instead of to her boyfriend. He keeps telling her to be patient and she doesn't want to be patient.

In the healthy relationship version of the scenario you reference, both people would feel fulfilled with where their relationship is at currently AND they would have a plan as to how they are going to proceed in the future. The OP lacks both of those things.

JulieSmiles · January 2010

I dated my fiance for 9 years before we got engaged. We had many long discussions about our future and our plans for marriage though. You need to discuss this with him and not search for answers on a wedding website. Do you know if he even wants to get married?

notquiteblushing · January 2010

When you say you moved to be closer to his "job" did you mean "prison?" Somehow I think that would help my opinion of this situation.

9 years later...

Re: 9 years later...

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