ugh why PPD's!!!

[Deleted User] · December 2015

I am glad you do, but this will make them happy. For them they were married due to circumstances and they wanted to make it right. For them their moment that they are planning is their "wedding" . I know people who feel they signed their marriage certificate, but consider their "wedding" to be surrounded by family and friends. They felt complete, valued, or their nuptials were supported by having their loved ones there.

I know family who got married because they wanted their children to be born in wedlock because their family was religious. They felt they wanted to do the right thing by their children.

If I was looking at both of your perspectives, I would say that they did wait for their "fancy wedding". They didn't have one before in their mind, they waited, and now they are finding the time to "celebrate".

It is beneath us to judge our loved ones or begrudge them a happy moment later on because we stand on righteousness. Truly I have seen families ripped apart by this thinking of what should be or not because it is condescending and it is wrong. I have seen families fractured by thinking in black and white in terms of this is the only way, the only option, but it is truly not.

I am seeing fault-finding, instead of cherishing a lifetime moment of letting people be happy.

That is why I say, Love them anyways.

artbyallie · December 2015

Knottie1449102126 said:

I am glad you do, but this will make them happy. For them they were married due to circumstances and they wanted to make it right. For them their moment that they are planning is their "wedding" . I know people who feel they signed their marriage certificate, but consider their "wedding" to be surrounded by family and friends. They felt complete, valued, or their nuptials were supported by having their loved ones there.
I know family who got married because they wanted their children to be born in wedlock because their family was religious. They felt they wanted to do the right thing by their children.
If I was looking at both of your perspectives, I would say that they did wait for their "fancy wedding". They didn't have one before in their mind, they waited, and now they are finding the time to "celebrate".
It is beneath us to judge our loved ones or begrudge them a happy moment later on because we stand on righteousness. Truly I have seen families ripped apart by this thinking of what should be or not because it is condescending and it is wrong. I have seen families fractured by thinking in black and white in terms of this is the only way, the only option, but it is truly not.
I am seeing fault-finding, instead of cherishing a lifetime moment of letting people be happy.
That is why I say, Love them anyways.

They (and you) are missing the point of what a wedding is. Making it all about the dress and the party cheapens everything that marriage is or should be. And there are consequences for people's actions.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

I understand the point clearly. So are you saying for anybody who gets married with a dress and party that it will cheapen their marriage?

Oh I agree with that, people do have choices and there are consequences to those choices. For myself ruining a relationship for a lifetime over one day is ridiculous, but some people will go there.

I can only own my choice which is to be supportive and let it go. Let people be happy.

AddieCake · December 2015

No, she is saying that thinking you need a dress and party later for a vow renewal b/c you didn't have one initially is cheapening it.

Your repetition of "let people be happy" and the constant smiley emojis is aggravating.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

I believe if someone has been married for 1,5, 10, 20, 30 + years and have been through valleys and peaks of life that a wedding, dress, and party does not define who they are. I also do not think it will cheapen the fact that through it all they have remained committed and upheld their vows with each other and they decide to celebrate.

I don't begrudge anyone who would want to have that moment no matter how long they have been together. If they have been together that long, they will still want it 10, 20, or 30 years from now. Life is too short to wait.

I am new at The Knot, still learning to be tech savvy and see the blessings in life. My attitude is one of gratitude and I truly want to see people smile and be happy.

RomanceManaged · December 2015

And if they lie to everyone about already being married, I suppose thats ok too ?

I actually don't mind PPD's, as long as everyone is honest about it. These people in PP's are not honest. THey are intentionally lying to their family and friends. That is not ok in my book, regardless if it makes them happy.

AddieCake · December 2015

I don't mind PPDs, either, as long as the couple is honest.

lyndausvi · December 2015

AddieCake said:

I don't mind PPDs, either, as long as the couple is honest.

same here. Have attended them in the past, going to attend one in the spring. OOT at that.

The difference is the couples were always on the up and up. The minute you decided to withhold the fact you are legally married to make your PPD more special to your guests, all bets are off.

Getting married is a serious commitment. Thousands of same-sex couples fought long and hard for that "piece of paper". It's insulting to just dismiss it as nothing or order to have a PPD. Own your (general your) choices. Own the fact you got legal married for the benefits, but do not lie to your family and friends.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

I don't think lying is best practice. I wouldn't. Some other people have their reasons and if there is already stress in their families, I am sure they are avoiding more stress. Like I said, I would go and support them anyways, because it is one day. My relationship over a lifetime is more important than standing on my soap box in righteous indignation.

I do agree with you all that honesty is always a good thing to do. However, I want to support them and I still want them to be happy.

But that's just me.

JaniV123 · December 2015

AddieCake said:

I don't mind PPDs, either, as long as the couple is honest.

I dont mind the event per se, it bother me that every knows they are married but they are thinking of doing an engagement shoot.

That for me bears no logic.

Also they got to celebrate with family because her grandma hosted a get together right after the wedding with cake and everything. So i dont understand that either. It was her mom, brothers, grandmother and aunts/cousins.

and to the knottie####

Just because it bothers me does not mean I don't love them or I am judging them. Instead of raining on her/their parade I come here and vent about it. But when the time comes I will go with her and help her out. Now if they decide to lie, I will bring it up to her and find out why they think that is a good idea.

lyndausvi · December 2015

someone using the word happy way too much.

I can support someone, yet not be happy about a situation. If I found out someone was lying about being married in order for their PPD to be more special I would NOT be happy. I would be pissed. But that doesn't mean it's a relationship ending event.

I'm not always happy on some of my husband's actions, it doesn't mean I'm dissolving the relationship.

Being unhappy or disappointed with the actions of someone =/= relationship ending. Sometimes it might, but it doesn't always have to be. If a PPD ends a relationship, then I'm sure there are way more issues out there and that was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

JaniV123 said:

AddieCake said:

I don't mind PPDs, either, as long as the couple is honest.

I dont mind the event per se, it bother me that every knows they are married but they are thinking of doing an engagement shoot.

That for me bears no logic.

Also they got to celebrate with family because her grandma hosted a get together right after the wedding with cake and everything. So i dont understand that either. It was her mom, brothers, grandmother and aunts/cousins.

and to the knottie####

Just because it bothers me does not mean I don't love them or I am judging them. Instead of raining on her/their parade I come here and vent about it. But when the time comes I will go with her and help her out. Now if they decide to lie, I will bring it up to her and find out why they think that is a good idea.

Just out of curiosity... Did they ever have an engagement shoot? Are they just trying to capture the moment as a memory?

I support what you are doing. I think talking with her would be something I would do too.

Let us know if you are able to find out why they are choosing to do that. Inquiring minds want to know.

lyndausvi · December 2015

Everafterstar said:

JaniV123 said:

AddieCake said:

I don't mind PPDs, either, as long as the couple is honest.

I dont mind the event per se, it bother me that every knows they are married but they are thinking of doing an engagement shoot.

That for me bears no logic.

Also they got to celebrate with family because her grandma hosted a get together right after the wedding with cake and everything. So i dont understand that either. It was her mom, brothers, grandmother and aunts/cousins.

and to the knottie####

Just because it bothers me does not mean I don't love them or I am judging them. Instead of raining on her/their parade I come here and vent about it. But when the time comes I will go with her and help her out. Now if they decide to lie, I will bring it up to her and find out why they think that is a good idea.

Just out of curiosity... Did they ever have an engagement shoot? Are they just trying to capture the moment as a memory?
I support what you are doing. I think talking with her would be something I would do too.
Let us know if you are able to find out why they are choosing to do that. Inquiring minds want to know.

even if they didn't why call it a engagement shoots? They are married. Just because there isn't an official name for a married couple taking pictures together doesn't mean they can't. I know a lot of married couples (without kids) who do a photo shoot from time to time.

It's silly and weird they have a to attach a label to the photo shoot. A label that isn't an engagement shoot when they are already married is even stranger.

AddieCake · December 2015

Yeah, the time for "engagement" pictures has past. They should just get pics taken and not label it.

JaniV123 · December 2015

@Everafterstar

They did not get pictures taken but I don't get why not do pictures with my godson and stuff as family or married photos showcasing their marriage wearing the same clothes they wore or what not.

They are married so doing pictures about "tying the knot" and "she said yes" and stuff like that is weird in the context that they are already married and people know they are married.

themosthappy91 · December 2015

I wouldn't want to be friends with the type of person who is happy lying to their friends and family. And I wouldn't feel bad "judging" such a person for that decision.

I give a lot of leeway to our men and women who serve because they face some truly tough decisions- TBH I do not care at all if they want to have a complete wedding do-over including dress, bridal party, first dance etc. People do worse things for the sake of tradition (and vanity). But if you lied to me about it, or expected me to lie to others about it? I could never look at you the same.

This goes way beyond "lying is not the best practice"- a person who is willing to be dishonest about such a momentous life decision just because it "makes them happy" to do so is unforgivably self-absorbed.

SP29 · December 2015

I really don't have a problem with PPDs either, if the couple is honest. Invite me to a well hosted party- I'm in!

It is lying, and pretending that a wedding that already happened does not exist, that cheapens the meaning of marriage, that is a slight to anyone else who chose to have a courthouse wedding.

Being an adult involves choices. And every choice has consequences- good or bad. I think the notion of, "Well it makes them happy so everyone else should just be supportive!" is what drives our current society of want and haste and removes responsibility.

I've posted about this before, but after I finally got my wedding dress that got lost in the mail (that I did not wear on my wedding day), I thought, "now what am I going to do with this??". I had a co-worker who also did photography part time, so DH and I got dressed up and had a PHOTO SHOOT- in October, when our wedding was in January. I even posted some of the photos on FB- because we looked damn good! But I didn't title it "our wedding day", nor look back on our actual wedding photos and think, "Well that wasn't my REAL dress"- or that my wedding day was somehow ruined. We now have two sets of photos, where aside from both of us looking awesome twice (seriously wish I could get my hair and make up professionally done more often...), we're looking at each other with love.

JaniV123 · December 2015

SP29 said:

I really don't have a problem with PPDs either, if the couple is honest. Invite me to a well hosted party- I'm in!

It is lying, and pretending that a wedding that already happened does not exist, that cheapens the meaning of marriage, that is a slight to anyone else who chose to have a courthouse wedding.

Being an adult involves choices. And every choice has consequences- good or bad. I think the notion of, "Well it makes them happy so everyone else should just be supportive!" is what drives our current society of want and haste and removes responsibility.

I've posted about this before, but after I finally got my wedding dress that got lost in the mail (that I did not wear on my wedding day), I thought, "now what am I going to do with this??". I had a co-worker who also did photography part time, so DH and I got dressed up and had a PHOTO SHOOT- in October, when our wedding was in January. I even posted some of the photos on FB- because we looked damn good! But I didn't title it "our wedding day", nor look back on our actual wedding photos and think, "Well that wasn't my REAL dress"- or that my wedding day was somehow ruined. We now have two sets of photos, where aside from both of us looking awesome twice (seriously wish I could get my hair and make up professionally done more often...), we're looking at each other with love.

this sounds like an awesome idea! There are pictures I wish we had gotten to take but didn't and that would be a fun crazy thing to do in the future with my dress!

badbnagdway · December 2015

PPDs/Vow renewals are ok with me as long as people don't lie about it.

I don't really get the PPD/do-over impulse. Our wedding was a blast - great people, great food, great fun, and we got a lot of bang for our buck. After it was over though I realized just how quick that one day goes by, and I thought, wow, we spent $X on one day of our lives and the only really necessary part to my H and I achieving wedded bliss was the marriage license. I don't regret it per se, but my impulse would be to elope/go really small as opposed to do it bigger if for some reason I had to do it again.

ugh why PPD's!!!

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