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How do I tell his mom he's coming with me to my family's Christmas?

ashmo24ashmo24 member
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edited December 2015 in Moms and Maids
Every year that I've known my fiance we've been apart for Christmas day. I've spent a ton of time with him and his family but he barely knows mine, who always want to see him and get to know him better.

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Re: How do I tell his mom he's coming with me to my family's Christmas?

  • JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
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    edited December 2015
    ashmo24 said:
    Every year that I've known my fiance we've been apart for Christmas day due to his mom's controlling personality. I've spent a ton of time with him and his family but he barely knows mine, who always want to see him and get to know him better.

    Now that we're engaged I want to not split up for Christmas anymore. His family has Christmas Eve as they always have a party every year but last year she "made" him stay back as I went to my house for Christmas day. This year we need to leave together and spend the day with my family. How do I tell her this without WWIII happening? She is very manipulative, obsessive, and entitled. People generally go along with her wishes because she ruins things if they don't go her way. I'm sick of it and want to take a stand... but I'm not sure how to even begin.

    Thanks for your help! 
    If your FI on board with this plan to no longer divide the holiday?  Is he also willing to "take a stand?"  Because, honestly, I don't think this is a conversation you have with her.  This is a conversation your FI needs to lead.  He should be the one that lets her know that now that you two are engaged, you are going to establish some traditions of your own, including sharing Christmas with both families.  He should be clear and positive about what you are doing, emphasizing that you both are attending the annual party.  And I'd have the conversation soon, so it's not something that happens on December 23 or 24, and everyone has time to adjust.

    I would also be open to the idea of this year being the final year you "divide and conquer," and let this year be the opening to change how you spend the day - for example, you both attend part of the holiday party, but you leave early to join your family, then FI leaves his family's Christmas day celebrations to spend time with your family.  It might help if you ease into a new tradition.

    ETA: posted too soon
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    spockforprez said:

    You don't - your fiancé does. This is a part of partnered life, and it really does suck but it's important to be fair as much as possible. Let it come from him and you two need to present a 100000% united front and stand your ground. Repeat yourself ad nauseum or just walk away from her tantrums. Good luck! I hope you enjoy your Christmas with your family!

    This exactly. Your FI has to get used to telling her "No, ashmo24 has top priority with me now. It's something we all need to accept from now on." And he has to learn to stand firm on it.
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    Jen4948 said:
    You don't - your fiancé does. This is a part of partnered life, and it really does suck but it's important to be fair as much as possible. Let it come from him and you two need to present a 100000% united front and stand your ground. Repeat yourself ad nauseum or just walk away from her tantrums. Good luck! I hope you enjoy your Christmas with your family!
    This exactly. Your FI has to get used to telling her "No, ashmo24 has top priority with me now. It's something we all need to accept from now on." And he has to learn to stand firm on it.

    ^^^^  Another vote for ALL of this!!!  Blood talks to blood!!!

    That said - if FI decides to stay with his family this year, I wouldn't get too worked up, but this is absolutely something you need to have a discussion of for your married life ahead of time.  The reason being is what happens if/when you choose to have little ones to factor in with Christmas because traveling anywhere with kids is a whole new dynamic! 

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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    Agree with others. He needs to tell his mom this. It's a bit bittersweet the first time, but it gets easier.

    Also, is your plan to attend the Christmas Eve party with him and his family and then go see your family on Christmas day? If so, I think that is more than fair.

    Btw, work through these MIL issues with him sooner rather than later. This kind of woman can make things difficult if he doesn't stand up to her now.




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  • spockforprezspockforprez member
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    @ashmo24, why did you edit your post? You were already quoted. 
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  • spockforprezspockforprez member
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    holyguacamole79 said:
    Agree with others. He needs to tell his mom this. It's a bit bittersweet the first time, but it gets easier. Also, is your plan to attend the Christmas Eve party with him and his family and then go see your family on Christmas day? If so, I think that is more than fair. Btw, work through these MIL issues with him sooner rather than later. This kind of woman can make things difficult if he doesn't stand up to her now.
    I agree completely. That is definitely fair! If she pitches a fit over this, it's definitely a big red manipulative flag.
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    100% your fiance must be the one to tell his family he will be going with you and not staying with them. It's not your place at all to have this conversation with them. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    ashmo24 said:
    Every year that I've known my fiance we've been apart for Christmas day. I've spent a ton of time with him and his family but he barely knows mine, who always want to see him and get to know him better.

    What does you FI want?   Are you still spending Xmas eve with his family?



    Ditto others.  Your FI needs to deal with his mom.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
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    Agreed with PP but wanted to offer a suggestion for future planning.  We alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas Day with families, so if we spend Thanksgiving with his family, my parents come over the next day but we spend Christmas Day with my parents and Eve with his mom.
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    kimmiinthemitten said:

    Agreed with PP but wanted to offer a suggestion for future planning.  We alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas Day with families, so if we spend Thanksgiving with his family, my parents come over the next day but we spend Christmas Day with my parents and Eve with his mom.

    We have a similar arrangement. We do Thanksgiving with his family & Christmas with mine one year. The next year we switch.




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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    holyguacamole79 said:
    Agreed with PP but wanted to offer a suggestion for future planning.  We alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas Day with families, so if we spend Thanksgiving with his family, my parents come over the next day but we spend Christmas Day with my parents and Eve with his mom.
    We have a similar arrangement. We do Thanksgiving with his family & Christmas with mine one year. The next year we switch.
    My sister has the same setup.   Going on 20 years now.  Who's house they go to changes up (or them come to her's), but it's spent with who's side it is that year.   Then another day they will celebrate with the other side.

     This year it's Christmas with her husband's side.  So she and her family will go to my parent's house along with my brother and his family on the 26th. 

    DH has to work holidays plus we live across country from family so we generally do not see either side.  His current job he has off on Christmas Day, but he is not allowed to take time off the days before or after so no time to fly to them.      I have flow to my sister's a few Thanksgivings without my husband.    






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • ashmo24ashmo24 member
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    spockforprez yeah sorry, I was looking it over and did it more to stay as positive as possible. I tend to dwell on her too much.
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  • ashmo24ashmo24 member
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    Thanks, everyone. I agree with him needing to talk to her. There's only so much I can do.
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    ashmo24 said:

    Thanks, everyone. I agree with him needing to talk to her. There's only so much I can do.

    I'm just curious .... in your first post, you mentioned going to their house for xmas eve and see your parents on Xmas day. Is that your plan?




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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    In my family we reschedule holidays.  In his family, it's pretty much come to that as well since FMIL has decided she never wants to cook a big holiday meal ever again.  So we will be home alone on Christmas Day eating lots of cheese and chocolate, will have Christmas with his family on the 26th, and Christmas with my family has been rescheduled for January 17th.
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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
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    OP, how does your FI feel about this? You've talked about what you want and what his mom wants, but what does he want?
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  • glasgowtolondonglasgowtolondon member
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    adk19 said:

    In my family we reschedule holidays.  In his family, it's pretty much come to that as well since FMIL has decided she never wants to cook a big holiday meal ever again.  So we will be home alone on Christmas Day eating lots of cheese and chocolate, will have Christmas with his family on the 26th, and Christmas with my family has been rescheduled for January 17th.

    Very envious of your Christmas day, throw in pyjamas and it sounds like my idea of a good time!

    We both live far away from our parents so we spend all Christmas holidays travelling around the country. Christmas this year will be on the 20th in Scotland and the 25th in England. It kind of spoils it as we end up knackered.
                 
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    glasgowtolondon said:
    In my family we reschedule holidays.  In his family, it's pretty much come to that as well since FMIL has decided she never wants to cook a big holiday meal ever again.  So we will be home alone on Christmas Day eating lots of cheese and chocolate, will have Christmas with his family on the 26th, and Christmas with my family has been rescheduled for January 17th.
    Very envious of your Christmas day, throw in pyjamas and it sounds like my idea of a good time! We both live far away from our parents so we spend all Christmas holidays travelling around the country. Christmas this year will be on the 20th in Scotland and the 25th in England. It kind of spoils it as we end up knackered.
    Being knackered is the best part (if I'm properly translating the word from English to American.)  Yes, we will be in our PJs all day. I will be putting together my Harry Potter motorized Lego train.  We will have a jigsaw puzzle in progress on our dining room table.  Christmas music will be playing.  We will watch football or hockey or Christmas movies.  Eggnog will be consumed.  It will be the laziest Friday ever.
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    adk19 said:
    glasgowtolondon said:
    In my family we reschedule holidays.  In his family, it's pretty much come to that as well since FMIL has decided she never wants to cook a big holiday meal ever again.  So we will be home alone on Christmas Day eating lots of cheese and chocolate, will have Christmas with his family on the 26th, and Christmas with my family has been rescheduled for January 17th.
    Very envious of your Christmas day, throw in pyjamas and it sounds like my idea of a good time! We both live far away from our parents so we spend all Christmas holidays travelling around the country. Christmas this year will be on the 20th in Scotland and the 25th in England. It kind of spoils it as we end up knackered.
    Being knackered is the best part (if I'm properly translating the word from English to American.)  Yes, we will be in our PJs all day. I will be putting together my Harry Potter motorized Lego train.  We will have a jigsaw puzzle in progress on our dining room table.  Christmas music will be playing.  We will watch football or hockey or Christmas movies.  Eggnog will be consumed.  It will be the laziest Friday ever.
    DH's and I spent our first Christmas Day together relaxing at home (we were still engaged).  We spent Christmas Eve with his family & had planned to spend that weekend with my family out of town.

    It.  Was.  AWESOME. 

    We made waffles, watched movies, took the dogs for walks, and read.  That night we made a steak dinner and relaxed.

    This is one of those times when adulting isn't so bad.




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  • ashmo24ashmo24 member
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    In case anyone was curious, he hates family holidays because of his history with pure obligation and no enjoyment whatsoever. He has so much indifference that the reason I was thinking of addressing it was because he just doesn't care to.
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  • spockforprezspockforprez member
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    edited December 2015
    Because we live local to my FH's family, we spend Xmas Eve and morning with them. I think once we drove to my parents' (about 1.5 hours) on Xmas Day, or maybe it was the day after. We like to sleep in, open our own presents to each other, then head over there around 11am or so. It's casual and we don't eat a big meal, just some sausage balls and finger foods. Then we come home and enjoy the rest of the day by ourselves :) 

    Xmas Eve we usually go to his parents' but I'm hosting this year. We'll have some finger foods and open Christmas crackers (a surprise for everyone). After they leave we'll do our normal tradition of jack and coke - I'm thinking of doing rum and egg nog instead this year - and watching A Christmas Carol with George C. Scott aka the best Christmas Carol EVER MADE.

    Sorry, this turned into reliving traditions, haha. 

    ashmo24 said:
    In case anyone was curious, he hates family holidays because of his history with pure obligation and no enjoyment whatsoever. He has so much indifference that the reason I was thinking of addressing it was because he just doesn't care to.
    He may be indifferent on his own behalf, but he cares about how you feel about it, yes? That can be his motivation to talk to his mom. Good luck!
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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
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    ashmo24 said:
    In case anyone was curious, he hates family holidays because of his history with pure obligation and no enjoyment whatsoever. He has so much indifference that the reason I was thinking of addressing it was because he just doesn't care to.
    Indifference and hate are two very different things.  If I was indifferent about holidays, I may let my mom peer pressure me into staying back while my soon to be FI left to celebrate with their family.  If I hated family holidays, I would make an appearance and bounce at the first opportunity.

    I agree with you that's important to create your own traditions and celebrate with both families as a couple and not individually, but I can't figure out your situation.  Either your FI needs to learn to not allow his mother to boss him around and thus establish boundaries to protect your relationship; or he doesn't really care to and rather than be honest with you, he let's her take the fall.  Both are slippery slopes.
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    ashmo24 said:
    Every year that I've known my fiance we've been apart for Christmas day due to his mom's controlling personality. I've spent a ton of time with him and his family but he barely knows mine, who always want to see him and get to know him better.

    Now that we're engaged I want to not split up for Christmas anymore. His family has Christmas Eve as they always have a party every year but last year she "made" him stay back as I went to my house for Christmas day. This year we need to leave together and spend the day with my family. How do I tell her this without WWIII happening? She is very manipulative, obsessive, and entitled. People generally go along with her wishes because she ruins things if they don't go her way. I'm sick of it and want to take a stand... but I'm not sure how to even begin.

    Thanks for your help! 
    ashmo24 said:
    In case anyone was curious, he hates family holidays because of his history with pure obligation and no enjoyment whatsoever. He has so much indifference that the reason I was thinking of addressing it was because he just doesn't care to.
    If he is content spending Christmas Eve and Christmas day with his mother out of indifference and not "rocking the boat", then that's his call when he is single.  He now has a FI and soon to be wife.  He needs to realize that respecting you & your family trumps indifference.  

    If I were you, I'd sit down and have a serious talk.  I'd say, "Bobby, I appreciate that you attend family holiday functions out of obligation and that it's not a big deal to you.  It is a big deal to me.  My family means a lot to me and I only think it's fair that we find a way to celebrate Christmas together and split the time between our families.  As we begin our new family together*, I need you to work with me to find a better balance in celebrating holidays with our families.  I need you to communicate this to your mother."

    *regardless of whether or not you two have kids, you are still starting a family together.




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  • frenchiekinfrenchiekin member
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    ashmo24 said:
    In case anyone was curious, he hates family holidays because of his history with pure obligation and no enjoyment whatsoever. He has so much indifference that the reason I was thinking of addressing it was because he just doesn't care to.
    I think this is an excellent opportunity to find out what he actually WANTS to do for the holidays.  Like, if he had his choice of doing anything he wanted for Xmas and didn't need to please family, what would he do?  Even if it's sit at home by yourselves and relax, there's a way for you guys to work a compromise in there.  Now that you're engaged, the two of you get to decide how you own your holidays for yourselves.  It should be less about the pure obligation he felt previously, and more a combination of what the both of you would like to do.


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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    adk19 said:

    Being knackered is the best part (if I'm properly translating the word from English to American.)  Yes, we will be in our PJs all day. I will be putting together my Harry Potter motorized Lego train.  We will have a jigsaw puzzle in progress on our dining room table.  Christmas music will be playing.  We will watch football or hockey or Christmas movies.  Eggnog will be consumed.  It will be the laziest Friday ever.
    Whhhaaaaaattttt?!?!?!  I need this in my life!

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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    OliveOilsMom said:
    @ashmo24 What happened???? Inquiring minds want to know!
    Bumping because I must know!
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