Need to Invite the Whole Group?

[Deleted User] · December 2015

My F and I met while our circle of friends was developing, us all being transplants to a foreign place. Now there's about 15 of us that hang out together consistently, some of us with closer personal relationships than others. The thing is, before he and I were dating, he had a casual relationship with one of the other girls, which turned into a year of her pretty much ignoring my existence until she realized our relationship was for real. Furthermore, one of the guys in the group tried to pursue me and when I didn't reciprocate the interest got really weird around the two of us, leading to a variety of really awkward encounters and some undo drama in our relationship. All is water under the bridge now and everyone is civil adults, but I'm not too keen on the idea of inviting them to celebrate our big day considering neither of them have exactly been supportive of our relationship. The problem is, if we invite everyone else, which I'd like to, it looks like we're specifically not inviting them, which seems rude to specifically exclude the two of them. Thoughts? I have held up sending save the dates to this whole group of people. One of the guys is in the wedding and others are excited since it'll be a destination/vacation for them to attend, so it gets talked about (I know, slightly presumptuous they're all invited). I feel so uncomfortable whenever it's brought up in a group setting. I don't want to feel like I can't talk about our wedding for the next 6 months because we don't invite these two people. But I also feel like they've been kind of shitty to us so why invite them. Furthermore, we're really tight on numbers, and I hate the idea of picking these two over my bridesmaids parents. What do you ladies think? All opinions on both sides of the argument welcome! Help! I need to inform these people stat so they can start making travel arrangements.

Maggie0829 · December 2015

Knottie1448297048 said:

My F and I met while our circle of friends was developing, us all being transplants to a foreign place. Now there's about 15 of us that hang out together consistently, some of us with closer personal relationships than others. The thing is, before he and I were dating, he had a casual relationship with one of the other girls, which turned into a year of her pretty much ignoring my existence until she realized our relationship was for real. Furthermore, one of the guys in the group tried to pursue me and when I didn't reciprocate the interest got really weird around the two of us, leading to a variety of really awkward encounters and some undo drama in our relationship. All is water under the bridge now and everyone is civil adults, but I'm not too keen on the idea of inviting them to celebrate our big day considering neither of them have exactly been supportive of our relationship. The problem is, if we invite everyone else, which I'd like to, it looks like we're specifically not inviting them, which seems rude to specifically exclude the two of them. Thoughts? I have held up sending save the dates to this whole group of people. One of the guys is in the wedding and others are excited since it'll be a destination/vacation for them to attend, so it gets talked about (I know, slightly presumptuous they're all invited). I feel so uncomfortable whenever it's brought up in a group setting. I don't want to feel like I can't talk about our wedding for the next 6 months because we don't invite these two people. But I also feel like they've been kind of shitty to us so why invite them. Furthermore, we're really tight on numbers, and I hate the idea of picking these two over my bridesmaids parents. What do you ladies think? All opinions on both sides of the argument welcome! Help! I need to inform these people stat so they can start making travel arrangements.

If everything is water under the bridge then you shouldn't feel weird inviting these people. So apparently these issues/feelings aren't water under the bridge.

In the end, if you decide to not invite them, you aren't doing anything wrong. Just know that this could make your relationship with this group even more awkward then you already think it is. Hanging out as a whole group could possibly end because of not including them. Think about it from their perspective. If you were in their shoes, thought everything that happened in the past was done and over with (water under the bridge) and then you and one other person out of the 15 were not invited to the wedding, how would you feel?

And you only talk about how you feel. What does your FI think about not inviting these two individuals?

AddieCake · December 2015

I think if you were INVITING only 2 from the group, it would be ok, but if you're looking to NOT invite only 2 from the 15? That would be like if you invited everyone but 2 people in your office. I think it's gonna make for future awkwardness.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

Good point. Maybe "water under the bridge" was a poor expression. He doesn't want to invite them at all, as well as two more of the guys in the group that he thinks are "womanizers" (his words) and not his favorite people. I guess it's more like, everyone is civil but there are no personal relationships between us and those other two people. It's more like, "here are two people that happen to run around in our larger friend circle who we're polite with but not exactly thrilled to be around" and I feel like I need to invite the whole group so there are no hurt feelings and avoid taboo conversations where they may be literally the only person left out.

Jen4948 · December 2015

Well, get on the same page with your FI about this first.

Once you come to a joint decision about whether or not to invite them, you do have to own your decision. Certainly the optimal one would be to rise above your own discomfort, invite these two people with their SOs, be gracious to them, and let any residual discomfort you feel roll off your back. If you invite them and there's a real risk that either of these two people would misbehave to the point that they need to be removed, have security available to do that.

If you don't feel you can put the past behind you, then don't invite them, but you're right, that may well affect your future relationships with them and the other members of your group. Factor that into your decision before you finalize it.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

*Sigh* Good point ladies. It just feels crappy to have to invite these people simply because they maintain the status of "mildly friendly acquaintance." Actually the more I problem solve via this post, I actually just don't like the idea that I feel obligated to invite a woman who couldn't even muster up the politeness to make eye contact with me for 6 months, and ignored my attempts to try and understand where her animosity came from.

VicTim328 · December 2015

Do you think they would come, since it is DW? Just to play devil's advocate, they may not be too keen on attending...

I was invited to a couple's wedding I was friendly with in college (ran around in the same group of about 15), and opted not to go, as it was a 4 hour drive each way. I was very friendly with the groom, but I wasn't too keen on the bride. I was not shelling out the expenses to go (it was also a crazy etiquette nightmare).

I'm not saying you should invite them (I'm not inviting that couple to mine). If there is awkwardness and animosity already, they may not even want to go, or expect to be invited. Remember that not inviting them could create some awkwardness, but if you are okay with it, go for it.

My FI has a group of 5 guys he is very close with. One of them was a college roommate and coworker. He went along with him to pick out the ring and set up everything for the proposal. He wasn't too keen on the bride, but neither were the rest of the guys. FI expected to be a groomsmen. Wasn't invited, but all of the other guys and their SO and colleagues were.... the relationship is still strained. if we have a get together with the group and their FI/DW, she never comes.

If it helps, try to think about your circle of friends as multiple rings. There's the innermost circle that includes the groomsman, maybe a middle one, and then the ones you wouldn't actually be friends with if it wasn't for the full group. Try to make the decision based on where everyone falls. It's a large group, and your relationship with different individuals varies.

Also consider your budget and other guest list. Would you need to cut others that you would prefer hosting in order to accommodate these guests? Is any awkwardness or fall out worth having the preferred guest?

[Deleted User] · December 2015

Good points to consider! As you all can see, I discovered this community forum today and have used it to unleash all my dilemma stressors! I do have to consider inviting this whole group of people vs. inviting my bridesmaids parents and a few old friends from home I don't ever see anymore but would love for them to be present. I don't mind going over our original guest list by 10-15 people, but the problem is that if all those people actually come, then we have to shell out the extra 3 grand for a tent for the outdoor cocktail hour (smaller numbers, they can flip the room with the guests still inside). It's one thing to go over our original budget by a couple hundred to have everyone there we want, but paying for an outdoor tent for a 45 minute room flip....that doesn't hardly seem worth it. I think I just take the risk and invite everyone. There's got to be at least 10 people from a 180 guestlist that won't make it....right?!

geebee908 · December 2015

Knottie1448297048 said:
Good points to consider! As you all can see, I discovered this community forum today and have used it to unleash all my dilemma stressors! I do have to consider inviting this whole group of people vs. inviting my bridesmaids parents and a few old friends from home I don't ever see anymore but would love for them to be present. I don't mind going over our original guest list by 10-15 people, but the problem is that if all those people actually come, then we have to shell out the extra 3 grand for a tent for the outdoor cocktail hour (smaller numbers, they can flip the room with the guests still inside). It's one thing to go over our original budget by a couple hundred to have everyone there we want, but paying for an outdoor tent for a 45 minute room flip....that doesn't hardly seem worth it. I think I just take the risk and invite everyone. There's got to be at least 10 people from a 180 guestlist that won't make it....right?!

As soon as you say that, you'll find yourself with 100% attendance. It does happen and if you're willing to possibly spend $3000 later, invite everyone. If you'd rather not spend that money, cut your guest list.

AddieCake · December 2015

OP, please change your username to an actual username and stick around.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

AddieCake said:

OP, please change your username to an actual username and stick around.

I tried!! I'm so illiterate. I spent 15 minutes in my profile before I was like, "I give up, I'm an idiot."

spockforprez · December 2015

Knottie1448297048 said:

AddieCake said:

OP, please change your username to an actual username and stick around.

I tried!! I'm so illiterate. I spent 15 minutes in my profile before I was like, "I give up, I'm an idiot."

You're not illiterate; this forum makes it extremely difficult to make certain changes. Go to thebump.com and change it there (your avatar too if you like!). Just sign in with your TK login info.

MairePoppy · December 2015

You could also PM your request to @KnotRiley. Send her your preferred SN along with a second and third choice.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

geebee908 said:

Good points to consider! As you all can see, I discovered this community forum today and have used it to unleash all my dilemma stressors! I do have to consider inviting this whole group of people vs. inviting my bridesmaids parents and a few old friends from home I don't ever see anymore but would love for them to be present. I don't mind going over our original guest list by 10-15 people, but the problem is that if all those people actually come, then we have to shell out the extra 3 grand for a tent for the outdoor cocktail hour (smaller numbers, they can flip the room with the guests still inside). It's one thing to go over our original budget by a couple hundred to have everyone there we want, but paying for an outdoor tent for a 45 minute room flip....that doesn't hardly seem worth it. I think I just take the risk and invite everyone. There's got to be at least 10 people from a 180 guestlist that won't make it....right?!
As soon as you say that, you'll find yourself with 100% attendance. It does happen and if you're willing to possibly spend $3000 later, invite everyone. If you'd rather not spend that money, cut your guest list.

Exactly this. Hoping for declines is going to make you feel like an asshole when the RSVPs start coming back. You want to be HAPPY so many people want to join you, not depressed about the extra money you'll spend. So, if you're okay with spending this extra money, go ahead an invite over the current budgeted number. But we've had people here who have had 100% attendance. Even my sister's very far away destination wedding had 95% attendance. If she had assumed a certain decline rate, she would have been discouraged.

SP29 · December 2015

It is entirely your (and your FI's) decision on whether to invite these people or not, but whatever you choose, you have to own your choice.

Generally I'm all for only inviting people to your wedding whom you have personal relationships with. But when you're talking about 2 people out of 15 that you regularly hang out with, it is kind of awkward.

When you say "larger group of friends"- do these 2 people ALWAYS come to group events? Or do you do more things with smaller groups of friends? Also, do you hang out with these people because you/your FI invite them out as part of the group, or do you hang out with them only because other people invite them?

I would see a difference between people you happen to see somewhat regularly at something like a large house party, or you see them only when you hang out with Steve and Jill, because THEY are friends, but you wouldn't invite them to your home, or out to a Friday night dinner that you/your FI initiated.

For example, DH and I have a "friend of a friend". She is lovely, I like her, but we aren't super close. I see her mainly at events that involve our mutual friend. We have invited her to larger gatherings at our home, but I wouldn't call her up to go for coffee, just the two of us. We didn't invite her to our wedding, and I don't feel bad about it, nor are there hard feelings, because we just don't have that kind of relationship- nothing against her. If she got married tomorrow, I wouldn't expect to be invited to her wedding either, but I'd wish her well.

justsuzie · December 2015

I'm running into this problem with my work friends. There are about 12 of us that hang out regularly. We are teachers so we eat lunch together everyday and do our weekly happy hour. There are 2 in the group that I am not close with but I feel the need to invite them because I don't want awkwardness. I say, invite them as a gesture but cross your fingers that they decline.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

justsuzie said:

I'm running into this problem with my work friends. There are about 12 of us that hang out regularly. We are teachers so we eat lunch together everyday and do our weekly happy hour. There are 2 in the group that I am not close with but I feel the need to invite them because I don't want awkwardness. I say, invite them as a gesture but cross your fingers that they decline.

I feel your pain, Suzie! Some of the girls above had helpful suggestions. I think, if the wedding isn't going to be huge, you have to draw a limit somewhere. If you choose to not invite the girls that you don't have a relationship with, it is definitely best to ask the people you are closer with to keep wedding chat to a minimum at the work place, and through around the phrases "it's a small wedding" or "our numbers are limited" liberally and reference cuts your groom or parents have had to make. They will indirectly get the hint and probably not be offended, as long as they don't quite realize the rest of the crew is on the ins. If it is a larger wedding and you can spare the numbers, then go ahead and invite them, it can't do any harm and will certainly keep things from being awkward in the future, and they'll appreciate that you included them...especially if there aren't any awkward past feelings in the first place.

mar1001 · January 2016

Add0707 said:

My F and I met while our circle of friends was developing, us all being transplants to a foreign place. Now there's about 15 of us that hang out together consistently, some of us with closer personal relationships than others. The thing is, before he and I were dating, he had a casual relationship with one of the other girls, which turned into a year of her pretty much ignoring my existence until she realized our relationship was for real. Furthermore, one of the guys in the group tried to pursue me and when I didn't reciprocate the interest got really weird around the two of us, leading to a variety of really awkward encounters and some undo drama in our relationship. All is water under the bridge now and everyone is civil adults, but I'm not too keen on the idea of inviting them to celebrate our big day considering neither of them have exactly been supportive of our relationship. The problem is, if we invite everyone else, which I'd like to, it looks like we're specifically not inviting them, which seems rude to specifically exclude the two of them. Thoughts? I have held up sending save the dates to this whole group of people. One of the guys is in the wedding and others are excited since it'll be a destination/vacation for them to attend, so it gets talked about (I know, slightly presumptuous they're all invited). I feel so uncomfortable whenever it's brought up in a group setting. I don't want to feel like I can't talk about our wedding for the next 6 months because we don't invite these two people. But I also feel like they've been kind of shitty to us so why invite them. Furthermore, we're really tight on numbers, and I hate the idea of picking these two over my bridesmaids parents. What do you ladies think? All opinions on both sides of the argument welcome! Help! I need to inform these people stat so they can start making travel arrangements.

I dealt with a similar issue, in that I was one of those who was left out. FI and I are part of a social circle of about 8-10 couples. While the foundation of our friendships was in college, we see each other several times a year and remain fairly close. Last year, one of the couples got married. We were pretty much the only couple in the social group that was not invited. FI was (and is) still fairly close to the groom. I am not sure why we were excluded, nor is it any of my business. However, it definitely did lead to some awkwardness later on.

Of course, this couple was NOT obligated to invite us. Guest lists are hard, I get that. But it did kind of suck to be the only couple left out- of course, you can't help but wonder if you did something wrong, etc.

In coming up with my own guest list, I debated about inviting the couple. The petty side of me didn't want to extend the invitation because of the whole "tit for tat" thing, but then I knew that it would only perpetuate the awkwardness. I will be inviting this couple to our wedding, and it is highly likely that they will show. (Weddings tend to be a "college reunion" type thing in our circle). I would hate to make them feel left out as we were. If we don't invite them, it will be very obvious as THEY would now be the only 2 not invited!

In the end, I think that it is probably a good idea to invite the 2. If the damage has been in the past, it will save you a lot of discomfort by doing so. I really do think that it is easiest to invite an entire "circle" of people rather than leaving out a very small portion.

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