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Can i have a bridal shower and a couples shower?

My MOH lives on the complete opposite coast as I do. This led to some non traditional planning to make sure she be included in major wedding events. I had my bridal shower 9 months before my wedding. My wedding is now 4 months away and my family wants to plan a couples shower to get everyone excited about the wedding since its been so long since we have involved others. Is this rude or tacky? Can I invite the same people I did from the bridal shower to the couples shower but now with their spouse? Can I theme it a kitchen couples shower or something else to make it seem different? The groom and groomsmen have felt left out on a lot of pre celebrations regarding the wedding. Women usually dress shop multiple times, have a bridal shower, have meetings to discuss wedding details, fill out invitations, etc... Meanwhile the men have done barely anything except discuss bachelor party options. What is the etiquette on this?

Thanks in advance.

Re: Can i have a bridal shower and a couples shower?

  • MobKaz said:

    My MOH lives on the complete opposite coast as I do. This led to some non traditional planning to make sure she be included in major wedding events. I had my bridal shower 9 months before my wedding. My wedding is now 4 months away and my family wants to plan a couples shower to get everyone excited about the wedding since its been so long since we have involved others. Is this rude or tacky? Can I invite the same people I did from the bridal shower to the couples shower but now with their spouse? Can I theme it a kitchen couples shower or something else to make it seem different? The groom and groomsmen have felt left out on a lot of pre celebrations regarding the wedding. Women usually dress shop multiple times, have a bridal shower, have meetings to discuss wedding details, fill out invitations, etc... Meanwhile the men have done barely anything except discuss bachelor party options. What is the etiquette on this?

    Thanks in advance.

    I have never heard of any pre-wedding event that has, as its primary goal, to "get everyone excited about the wedding". 

    It would look very gift grabby to invite the same guest list to another shower.  Is there a reason this "get excited event" requires it to double as a gift giving event?  Your mom is certainly welcome to have a casual get-together without attaching a wedding theme to it, or requiring guests to bring gifts.  You should not have any involvement in it at all, as it is rude to be involved in a party held in your honor.  I personally find themed events that dictate a specific type of gift to be tacky.

     I have to admit I have yet to hear many men complain that they have not been included in enough pre-wedding events.  Actually, I have never heard a man complain about a lack of involvement in wedding detail discussions or invitation compilation events.  My son and daughter are both married.  Their friends and family arrived at the wedding visibly excited and did not require a big build up prior to the wedding day.  As a woman, MOB and MOG, I also managed to excitedly attend both weddings of my children and did not attend multiple shopping trips, or wedding detail meetings.

    If your mom wants to host a casual lunch or dinner simply to gather friends, there is no issue in that.  To hold a shower involving guests invited to a prior shower simply to "pump them up" for your wedding seems odd to me.
    I think this depends on the men, not simply the fact that they happen to be male. My best friend has been telling me since we were 17 that he should help me pick out my dress, and I agree.  Our officiant and one of FI's best friends bring up the wedding far more often than we do, and I think they'd want to be invited to all of the things if they can be. On the other hand, we have a bunch of guys who are happy for us, but are generally uninterested otherwise. 

    (Not that I think wedding interest should be attached to gender or sexuality, but the ones I mentioned are all straight cisgender men, and so aren't expected to be interested according to stereotypes.)

    OP, sorry for getting off topic. I think you can certainly have the gathering that your family wants to throw you, but make it a tea or BBQ or something, and don't make it a gift giving event. 
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    It's rude and gift-grabby to invite people to more than one shower. (Except mothers and WP members.) It would be fine to have a second shower if you had a second guest list (e.g. separate showers for your side/FI's side, or friends/family). 

    People don't need a party to get excited about the wedding, and they don't need to get excited about the wedding four months in advance. 
    InLoveInQueens
  • jacques27jacques27 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments 5 Answers
    edited December 2015

    I have to agree - I have never felt the need to "get excited" about someone else's wedding by attending showers, nor have I felt the need to get excited four months in advance.  Am I happy for my friends getting married?  For sure, and on that day I will absolutely party down with them.  But I don't need to celebrate their wedding for an entire year and be amped up and excited for it.  They'll be happy and excited for you on the day of even if you had no pre-wedding events - I guarantee it.

    That said, there is no problem having multiple showers if you have people who offer to throw them, but it is poor form to have overlapping guests (and you shouldn't be involved in the planning of them).  Showers are specifically gift giving events.  Inviting the same guests to multiple showers looks greedy.  If the men are itching to have pre-wedding events, what is preventing one of them from throwing your fiancé a shower of his own?  Or a bachelor party or some other get together?

    And what is preventing you from just having a fun party with people you like that's not a shower?  Or just a fun party, period?  Not connected to your wedding at all.  You can throw parties outside the context of your wedding.  Superbowl will be in about six weeks - that's always a perfect excuse to get a large crowd together.  Sports lovers get into the game, people who don't like sports can watch for the commercials and the half-time show, and you can have fun food and drinks.  The Oscars are at the end of February and another great excuse for a get together - have a betting pool with predictions, make themed food based on the nominees, and have a viewing party.  Or, just find something else fun and have a hell of a party.  People like hanging out, eating, and drinking (possibly way more than they like spending a couple of hours watching someone open gifts, possibly for the second time if they were at the first one).

    [Deleted User]
  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 Exit 21 (Jersey!) member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    One shower, that's it.  Having another one is gift grabby.  And I'm sorry, but while your wedding may be one of the biggest things going on in your life right now, most people are not really going to care and trying to get them excited is not worth it.
    InLoveInQueens
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Another vote for gift grabby. Just have one shower. You don't need another event to get people pumped up for your wedding. 

    InLoveInQueens
  • My MOH lives on the complete opposite coast as I do. This led to some non traditional planning to make sure she be included in major wedding events. I had my bridal shower 9 months before my wedding. My wedding is now 4 months away and my family wants to plan a couples shower to get everyone excited about the wedding since its been so long since we have involved others. Is this rude or tacky? Can I invite the same people I did from the bridal shower to the couples shower but now with their spouse? Can I theme it a kitchen couples shower or something else to make it seem different? The groom and groomsmen have felt left out on a lot of pre celebrations regarding the wedding. Women usually dress shop multiple times, have a bridal shower, have meetings to discuss wedding details, fill out invitations, etc... Meanwhile the men have done barely anything except discuss bachelor party options. What is the etiquette on this?

    Thanks in advance.

    Unless your bridal party has volunteered to do these things, I think you might be a bit confused about the roles of members of the wedding party.  They have to appear on time for the ceremony in the required ensemble. . . . that's it.  Any wedding planning, filling out invitations and all that is the responsibility of you and your fiance, NOT your wedding party.

    I'm sorry, but if I was a bridesmaid for a wedding where the bride wanted me to come to meetings to discuss wedding details, I would be annoyed and bored out of my mind, and looking for all the wine!
    InLoveInQueensMyNameIsNotSP29[Deleted User]
  • It is fine to have more than one shower if different people offer to host these showers, but the guest lists should not overlap. 

    Anyone can throw a party, so if your mom wants to get people together, she can throw a party invite all your friends. But I wouldn't put "shower" anywhere on the invite or give any sort of theme. 
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