Wedding Etiquette Forum

Rehearsal Dinner

If my mother in law says they hadn't thought about rehearsal dinner when we asked her, acted defensive about it, and then a week later said it wasn't part of Cuban Tradition, is there anything I can say to help her think differently? I don't want to sound shallow but it is unfair that my mom and I are paying for everything else for the wedding (even bouquet, alcohol, marriage license). I think it is a poor excuse. I know they are tight on money, but I am totally flexible and willing to have it in a casual setting with affordable food served. I think she is intimidated to commit because we would want to invite all family, out of town guests, and bridal party (8 extra people outside the family)  Please help me be tactful to keep this drama free!

Re: Rehearsal Dinner

  • 1) Cut the guest list to just bridal party and family (and their SOs). No need to invite random out of town guests who aren't participating in the rehearsal.
    2) Don't request your in laws to pay for this, they clearly can't and it would be rude to push it.
    3) Host it yourself. 
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  • It sounds like she doesn't want to host it and she is not obligated to.

    If you don't want to pay for yet another thing the easiest solution is to skip the rehearsal. If you skip the rehearsal then you don't need to host a dinner.

    If there's no way you think the people in your wedding can figure out how to walk down an aisle without a rehearsal, then you can throw a small, inexpensive dinner. Just invite immediate family, wedding party, anyone else involved in the rehearsal (readers, etc), and their SOs. You can serve them pizza and salad, subs an pasta, etc

    Out of town family being invited is not a requirement of a rehearsal dinner. It's a nice gesture, but the only people that MUST be invited to the RD are the people involved in the rehearsal and their SOs. Any extra guests are totally up to the host's discretion, so even if FMIL did decide to host, she would not be required to invite OOT guests.


    Skip the rehearsal or host a cheap one. Those are your best options. Good luck!
  • Yes, they're not obligated to pay.  Neither side is for anything.  We're hosting our own RD just like your situation, with everyone included since the majority are out of town.  We're doing exactly what the PP's suggested.  Pizza/Pasta/Salads and pop. 

  • You shouldn't have asked her to host it. It's not her responsibility, regardless of what you or your family is paying for or how much it costs.

    Anyone, including you, can host a rehearsal dinner or otherwise entertain your guests, but if no one else offers to, it's up to you to do it yourself. And that is totally fair.

    BTW, rehearsal dinners are only required if you have a rehearsal, and only the couple, wedding party members, and immediate families need to be invited. If you think you need to offer your out-of-town guests or any other guests additional hospitality beyond the reception, it's up to you and not anyone else to provide it, on your own time and your own dime.
  • My wedding was paid for by my parents (mostly) and us (as in DH and me).    

    MIL could not afford to contribute to the wedding or RD.   NO BIG DEAL.  

     DH and I picked up the RD costs (as we should it was OUR wedding).  It was an open house at the house my parents rented.  Invite all the guests (some 100 showed up).  We had a local deli cater some simple foods.  Bought liquor from the store. Used plastic cups.  Considering it was 100 people didn't cost that much.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • No one is obligated to pay for anything. Your FMIL is not required to throw you a rehearsal dinner. 

    If you asked her to host it (and put pressure on her to do so), apologize immediately. And then host your own. Or don't have one. They're not required. 
  • Not rude for FMIL to not throw you a rehearsal dinner, rude of you to ask.

    You don't need one, and you certainly don't need to invite anyone other than those involved in the rehearsal and their SOs ( and any immediate family not in the rehearsal!).

    Why is it unfair you and your Mom are paying for the whole thing? Is your FI not contributing anything, when you are? That seems off, but otherwise, no need for anyone else to contribute- your mom and his mom included. 
  • I'm sure you are disappointed.  I would be as well.  However, it sounds like a very large group and if that's overwhelming to her, that's understandable.  Cut down the guest list and plan something that you and FI can afford. 
  • You should graciously accept whatever your mom has offered to contribute towards your wedding. But whatever your mother has offered, that was her offer to make. That does not make your MIL responsible for making things "equal" or for hosting the RD.

    The onus of paying for your wedding is on yourself and your FI. If anyone offers to help- that's great, but it is a gift they are giving, there is not tit-for-tat. 
  • I'm also curious as to where your FI is in all of this. You guys are the ones ultimately responsible for paying for your wedding, not your parents. You should not have asked your FMIL to host the rehearsal dinner; that was her offer to make, and if she's not comfortable with it because of money or tradition or whatever, she doesn't have to make the offer at all. 

    The only time this should be brought up to your FMIL again is to tell her you're sorry. Plan and pay for the RD yourselves.
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  • madamerwinmadamerwin member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2015
    You never should have asked your MIL to pay for the rehearsal dinner. All the rules about which parents pay for which parts of the wedding are completely outdated. 

    You and your FI are ultimately responsible for planning a wedding the TWO of you can afford. It's great that your mom offered to help pay (and I am giving you the benefit of the doubt that she actually offered as opposed to you asking/guilting her into it). But that does not mean that your ILs must fork over cash for ANYTHING. The fact that you know they are tight on money but are still indignant that they don't want to pay comes across as immature and selfish.

    As PPs have said, you need to plan a wedding YOU can afford. If you cannot afford a rehearsal dinner, then skip the rehearsal altogether. 

    ETF typo
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • The only people required to pay for any part of the wedding are the bride and groom.  It was inappropriate to ask your FMIL to host the rehearsal dinner.  You need to host it, and pay for it.  Anyone present at the rehearsal, along with their significant others, must be invited to the rehearsal dinner.   


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  • I vote for skipping the RD and rehearsal. It's not rocket science to walk down an aisle. Save everyone time, money, and boredom. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • LD1970LD1970 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2015
    H and I couldn't afford to pay for a rehearsal dinner plus the wedding itself. So we chose to not have a rehearsal (thereby avoiding the need for a rehearsal dinner), and just paid for the wedding. By ourselves.

    The "rehearsal" was taken care of with an email to the wedding party giving the walking order and the fact that women were on the left, men on the right. It all went perfectly.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
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