Do I invite her..

Lala9414 · December 2015

Hi, so my FI's younger brother is freshly 18 (lets call him johnny) and is going to be the best man. He is in a relationship (lets call her betty) for maybe a year now and at first she was nice and i liked her. Fast forward to present, she has done some really questionable and rude things that make me side eye her all the time. She has basically openly said she does not like johnny's family and barely comes over and if she does she makes it a point to keep johnny away from all of the family. She is quite rude to all of us especially to my FI and my FMIL, yet my FMIL is very nice to her for the sake of johnny and keeping peace. I know etiquette says that everyone in the wedding party should have a +1 even more so if they have a SO. However, since she is so openly rude and we all know she doesn't like us, do i still have to invite her? I really do not want to but for johnny i feel like i have to. My FI doesn't want her there either. We are both worried that she will take johnny away from the party and family like she did at out engagement party (they went off twice and the first time we found them and asked them to please stay with the party and she said okay we will and 15 min later she was gone along with johnny. When FI found them he got mad at johnny and said "i asked you to stay, why did you leave?" Johnny then said betty said she didn't want to be here and she is uncomfortable around everyone so she made me leave). I know they are still practically kids but I don't know what to do! Any advice? thank you!

huskypuppy14 · December 2015

He's 18 and BM of course you have to invite her. You have to invite all SO of all guests. You do not have to give everyone + 1s. (They are different).

No one has to stay at any party longer than they want to. If they leave your reception early, who cares? You have other guests coming, right. You'll have other people to socialize with and probably won't even notice the GF.

huskypuppy14 · December 2015

Knottie26424478 said:

Hi, so my FI's younger brother is freshly 18 (lets call him johnny) and is going to be the best man. He is in a relationship (lets call her betty) for maybe a year now and at first she was nice and i liked her. Fast forward to present, she has done some really questionable and rude things that make me side eye her all the time. She has basically openly said she does not like johnny's family and barely comes over and if she does she makes it a point to keep johnny away from all of the family. She is quite rude to all of us especially to my FI and my FMIL, yet my FMIL is very nice to her for the sake of johnny and keeping peace. I know etiquette says that everyone in the wedding party should have a +1 even more so if they have a SO. However, since she is so openly rude and we all know she doesn't like us, do i still have to invite her? I really do not want to but for johnny i feel like i have to. My FI doesn't want her there either. We are both worried that she will take johnny away from the party and family like she did at out engagement party (they went off twice and the first time we found them and asked them to please stay with the party and she said okay we will and 15 min later she was gone along with johnny. When FI found them he got mad at johnny and said "i asked you to stay, why did you leave?" Johnny then said betty said she didn't want to be here and she is uncomfortable around everyone so she made me leave). I know they are still practically kids but I don't know what to do! Any advice? thank you!

lyndausvi · December 2015

Assuming they are still together when the invites go out, yes you need to invite her.

holyguacamole79 · December 2015

If they are dating when you send out invitations, you invite her (address the invite to Johnny & Betty).

It's also not a big deal if they disappear for a while at the party.

Lala9414 · December 2015

huskypuppy14 said:

He's 18 and BM of course you have to invite her. You have to invite all SO of all guests. You do not have to give everyone + 1s. (They are different).

No one has to stay at any party longer than they want to. If they leave your reception early, who cares? You have other guests coming, right. You'll have other people to socialize with and probably won't even notice the GF.

Its not that they will leave entirely, the party is at my FI's parents house. My worry is that she will have it so he isn't engaged/present, if that makes sense? My FI and I really want his brother to be present and everything and when she is around he is not. I guess that is our main concern

climbingsingle · December 2015

Yes, you need to invite her.

Also, why is it such a big deal that they wandered off during your engagement party? What a silly thing to be angry about. And keeping tabs on your guests like that seems really odd.

Lala9414 · December 2015

climbingwife said:

Yes, you need to invite her. Also, why is it such a big deal that they wandered off during your engagement party? What a silly thing to be angry about. And keeping tabs on your guests like that seems really odd.

Sorry i should clarify, it was the first time FI's family was meeting my family. And we were trying to introduce him to people and my FI wanted him present. But he was really no where to be found. It came off a bit rude to my family that he was not around for the majority of the party seeing as they were trying to get to know him

AddieCake · December 2015

Without question, yes, you invite her.

Why did your family need to "get to know" your fiancé's teenage brother? Meeting him, shaking hands wasn't enough?

JediElizabeth · December 2015

Knottie26424478 said:

huskypuppy14 said:

He's 18 and BM of course you have to invite her. You have to invite all SO of all guests. You do not have to give everyone + 1s. (They are different).

No one has to stay at any party longer than they want to. If they leave your reception early, who cares? You have other guests coming, right. You'll have other people to socialize with and probably won't even notice the GF.

Its not that they will leave entirely, the party is at my FI's parents house. My worry is that she will have it so he isn't engaged/present, if that makes sense? My FI and I really want his brother to be present and everything and when she is around he is not. I guess that is our main concern

Would she try to take him away from the ceremony or formal pics? That seems extreme.

Otherwise, I wouldn't worry about it. I have plenty of friends who will probably wander off during the reception, because they're not fans of big crowds. I'm probably not going to even notice.

holyguacamole79 · December 2015

Knottie26424478 said:

huskypuppy14 said:

He's 18 and BM of course you have to invite her. You have to invite all SO of all guests. You do not have to give everyone + 1s. (They are different).

No one has to stay at any party longer than they want to. If they leave your reception early, who cares? You have other guests coming, right. You'll have other people to socialize with and probably won't even notice the GF.

Its not that they will leave entirely, the party is at my FI's parents house. My worry is that she will have it so he isn't engaged/present, if that makes sense? My FI and I really want his brother to be present and everything and when she is around he is not. I guess that is our main concern

----------

My brother wasn't really "present" at our wedding, and it was most likely due to him and his wife having marital issues (they separated a few months later). It wasn't ideal, but it was what it was.

Bottom line ... she is his girlfriend and they are a social unit. Unless she poses a physical harm to you & your guests, there is no valid reason not to invite her.

Knottie26424478 said:

climbingwife said:

Yes, you need to invite her.

Also, why is it such a big deal that they wandered off during your engagement party? What a silly thing to be angry about. And keeping tabs on your guests like that seems really odd.

Sorry i should clarify, it was the first time FI's family was meeting my family. And we were trying to introduce him to people and my FI wanted him present. But he was really no where to be found. It came off a bit rude to my family that he was not around for the majority of the party seeing as they were trying to get to know him

-----------

Honestly, this just sounds like him being an immature 18 year old. Just let it go.

AddieCake · December 2015

One of my bridesmaids left early from the reception because her stepkids were bored. No big deal.

climbingsingle · December 2015

I don't see why it was so important for your family to get to know your teenage FBIL.

Unless he decides to wander off on the middle of the ceremony, I don't see what the big deal is. I feel like you and your FI are borrowing trouble and your FBIL and his girlfriend sound like normal teenagers. Let it go.

Lala9414 · December 2015

thanks everyone, you're right I shouldn't even worry!

lyndausvi · December 2015

I never understood the "I want them to be present" excuse. I hear if often. As long as my WP showed up on-time, sober, in the attire we choose and didn't disrupt the ceremony and took pictures is all I cared about. After pictures the WP were officially done with their "obligations". I couldn't tell you where they were or what they were doing. Wasn't keeping tabs. I was way too busy to care also.

ETA - oh and can we PLEASE stop blaming the GF? Your FBIL is his own person. He can make his own choices. If he follows her, well so be it.

And yes he sounds like an immature teenager. Happens with or without a GF around.

drunkenwitch · December 2015

Not inviting her will create a big rift between your FI and his brother. Is that really worth it in the long run. He's 18, the majority of these high school relationships don't last*. Chances are she'll be out of the picture in less than a year, she is not worth causing a grudge between brothers.

*before someone gets their panties in a twist, I said the majority, not all.

jacques27 · December 2015

Knottie26424478 said:

Its not that they will leave entirely, the party is at my FI's parents house. My worry is that she will have it so he isn't engaged/present, if that makes sense? My FI and I really want his brother to be present and everything and when she is around he is not. I guess that is our main concern

Not your problem. He's a grown-up. He gets to decide how "present" he wants to be. She doesn't make him do anything he doesn't want to do. If he decides he doesn't like to be treated that way and if he decides that she is interfering with how "present" he is for other people and that he doesn't like to not be "present" then he'll break up with her. But until he does, she's his significant other and you don't get to crap on that by being rude to her, even if she isn't responding in kind. Them's the breaks. She's his SO - ALL significant others get invited (this is not the same as a +1, which is given to truly single people and not required).

Besides, even if you decided to be rude and not invite her (provided they are still together at that time), what's to say that he will be "present" then? He could be ducking away to text or call her and check in.

zitiqueen · December 2015

Are you leaving out the part where Betty is holding a gun to Johnny's head? Because she isn't "making" him do anything. He's choosing to do those things.

SP29 · December 2015

Yes, you need to invite her. Johnny has chosen her as his SO, so she'll be around.

I get why you might dislike her, or why you are annoyed with her and Johnny, but I feel like you're putting a lot of the blame on her. Johnny is now an adult man- he makes the choice to run off with his gf.

Beyond missing something, like the ceremony, or photos, the WP "duties" are over when the reception starts, so if he and his gf want to go and hide, that's fine, and that's on them when family asks, "Oh, where's Johnny?"- not you. So don't let it stress you out! Be the bigger person and continue to be more than polite to Johnny's SO. Either they'll break up, they'll stay together and both grow up a bit (I agree, the running off with your gf sounds like an 18 year old man thing to do), or they'll stay together and you'll always dislike her, so practice dealing with it now

.

TNDancer · December 2015

It does not really matter what the brother is doing during the reception.

My sister (25) kept "sneaking out" of my reception to go to the guys prep room and watch the Bama game. I was not upset at all. She was a bit sad when she realized she missed Dad's toast.

Moppet82 · December 2015

Do you think Betty has social anxiety? I am not excusing her behavior, but since I don't know the details I wonder if meeting new people, especially her BF's family, is extremely difficult for her. Sometimes those who suffer from anxiety appear rude and are off putting. Perhaps that is the case. (Or, she could just be acting like an ornery teenager....LOL.)

If there is more to it than that I understand the annoyance, but I suggest you rise above it by not only inviting her, which it appears from your latest response you will, but also by reaching out to her if she feels uncomfortable in social situations. She may appreciate that guesture more than you know.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

Invite her and maybe she won't come. Plan any photos you want to include him and the toast to be done early so that way if he makes an early exit, it won't make a difference. The reality is, once the ceremony is done, photos are done, dinner is done & if he does one, the toast is over, if he leaves or if he stays, you probably won't even notice.

Lala9414 · December 2015

you guys are very right, i just need to rise above lol. It's not social anxiety (i've asked) she just doesn't like his family for whatever reason ill never know haha.

VicTim328 · December 2015

How old is Betty? If this is a high school relationship, she is most likely still a minor. For the sake of your FI and his brother's relationship, I'd suck it up and invite her. She may or may not come. She may or may not be allowed to come.

yellowdaisies84 · December 2015

I agree with everyone else to invite her!

kimmiinthemitten · December 2015

Knottie26424478 said:

you guys are very right, i just need to rise above lol. It's not social anxiety (i've asked) she just doesn't like his family for whatever reason ill never know haha.

My cousin is dating his exwife again, who hates our family and is pretty vocal about it, TBH we all hate her right back. I understand where you're coming from, but I'd rather put up with her at anything than risk him not coming to anything.

Moppet82 · December 2015

Knottie26424478 said:

you guys are very right, i just need to rise above lol. It's not social anxiety (i've asked) she just doesn't like his family for whatever reason ill never know haha.

Well, dang it, I was trying to give old Betty the benefit of the doubt; I hate when I do that in vain. My uncle's wife is like this, too. We gave up on her years ago...

Lala9414 · December 2015

lol it just baffles me, how do you hate your s/o's family at such a young age when they've been nothing but nice (overly nice imo) and expect it to work out. but hey, they're still young so we'll see haha thanks ladies!

drunkenwitch · December 2015

Knottie26424478 said:

lol it just baffles me, how do you hate your s/o's family at such a young age when they've been nothing but nice (overly nice imo) and expect it to work out. but hey, they're still young so we'll see haha thanks ladies!

She probably just has a case of the teenagers. I was absolutely unbearable when I was 18. The only thing that kept my mom from strangling me was that I wasn't worth the jail time.

glasgowtolondon · December 2015

drunkenwitch said:

Knottie26424478 said:

lol it just baffles me, how do you hate your s/o's family at such a young age when they've been nothing but nice (overly nice imo) and expect it to work out. but hey, they're still young so we'll see haha thanks ladies!

She probably just has a case of the teenagers. I was absolutely unbearable when I was 18. The only thing that kept my mom from strangling me was that I wasn't worth the jail time.

TBH, I think my mum probably still feels that way sometimes!

KnickerGold · December 2015

Hopefully your FBIL has the sense to not leave during the ceremony/pictures/toast. Maybe have FI mention to him that he needs to be there for those- no matter what GF says?

Furthermore, I'm unsure why your family needed to get to know the 18yo FBIL... or are upset he wasn't there the whole time.

After pictures/toast, I (the bride) would be miffed if my hubby of 2 hours was going around chasing down his brother/worrying about his brother versus spending time with me and all of our other guests (that we must greet!)

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