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Want adult only reception, that means leaving out some 1st cousins

Knottie1451345492Knottie1451345492 member
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Is this rude. We would like an adult only reception for budget reasons but is this rude? For instance (just throwing names out there).

Aunt Mary has 2 kids. One is 18 and one is 16. The 18 year old would of course be invited since he is of adult age, but the 16 year old would not?

There would however be about 3 kids at our reception (those in the wedding party like our flower girls/ushers,).
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Re: Want adult only reception, that means leaving out some 1st cousins

  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Well if you are having 3 kids in the WP, then you are not having an adult free wedding.    

    How many 1st cousins are we talking about here?   I like inviting in circles.  For example all 1st cousins regardless of age.  So the 16 would still be invited, but other kids do not have to be.








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited January 2016
    holyguacamole79 said:
    A few things: 1 ) Anyone invited to the ceremony must also be invited to the reception. 2 ) Regarding your aunt Mary, if the 18 year old lives at home, you need to invite the 16 year old, too. Personally, I think that since they are only 2 years apart in age, both of Aunt Mary's kids should be invited.
    And if Aunt Mary had a 16 year old and a 25 year old that lived at home? She'd have to invite them both?
    I'm really not sure I agree with this "requirement" to invite minors if their adult siblings still live at home. (but, even if not a requirement, I do agree that inviting both would likely help avoid some hurt feelings and drama).


    OP, you are not required to invite in circles. You can pick and choose which children you invite (assuming you don't break up families of minor children). You could invite one set of first cousin children if you were close to them and not invite another set if you aren't, and you'd be perfectly in the clear etiquette speaking. So just inviting the 3 in the WP and inviting no other children is perfectly fine (assuming those children have no other siblings that are being left off the guest list)...
    But, just because it's fine etiquette wise doesn't mean it might not cause hurt feelings or drama.

    I ended up only inviting adults to my own wedding and left out some minor first cousins. While I was totally within rights to do so, I definitely got backlash from one of my uncles and it made things pretty uncomfortable.

    Really examine your budget and decide if leaving a few minor first cousins off of your guest list is really worth it to you.
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    It depends on your family dynamics really. You can invite who you want but if not inviting the 16 year old will cause drama/hurt feelings it might not be worth it.

    We thought about not inviting kids but when we really looked at our budget vs our guest list the number of guests under 18 who are invited (which was only 4) weren't going to make a big different cost wise if they were cut anyway so it wasn't worth the potential family backlash to us.


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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    How many first cousins under 18 are we talking about here? If it's just a couple I doubt it's worth the hurt feelings to exclude them. Since you would never put on your invitations or website "adults only" it would be fine to invite all your first cousins but no other children.
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    Etiquette wise, your plan is fine. Since the 18 year old is an adult (and should get their own invitation), I wouldn't consider this splitting families....technically.

    However, you should consider family dynamics. For example, if the 18 year old is a senior in high school, living at home, and not really "adulting" yet, it would seem like you were splitting families by inviting the 18 y/o and not the 16 y/o. KWIM? If that were the case, budget was a problem, and it were my wedding, I just wouldn't invite either cousin. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    STARMOON44 said:
    How many first cousins under 18 are we talking about here? If it's just a couple I doubt it's worth the hurt feelings to exclude them. Since you would never put on your invitations or website "adults only" it would be fine to invite all your first cousins but no other children.
    I'm a much bigger fan of this.   Yes you "can" invite only the adults but when you split a family that has a 16 yo and an 18 yo, you need to be prepared for some angry and hurt guests when you picked an arbitrary reason.

    IMO, inviting in circles just helps keep things clean. 
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  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited January 2016
    As per etiquette, as long as you aren't splitting up a family (inviting some minor children, but not others), you are free to invite some and not others. Adults get their own invitations, and beyond making sure to invite any SOs, are not contingent on inviting others.

    It is perfectly fine to have an adults only wedding (however you would never write this anywhere- you just decide you will not invite any children). You are not having an adults only wedding. It is perfectly OK to only invite children in the WP, or children of immediate family members. You could also choose to invite all of your first cousins, minors or not, while not inviting anyone else's children. Again, as long as you are not splitting up a family, you can invite some children but not others.

    I am in the camp of invite who you want there, do not invite who you don't, versus making up a "rule" that leaves you in an awkward situation where you are now. You do not owe anyone an explanation as to why you have or have not invited someone. 

    In your case of the 18 and 16 year old- technically you can invite the 18 year old and not the 16 year old, but considering they are so close in age, I think it is awkward and could definitely ruffle feathers. So I say throw out the rules and invite who you want in your budget and capacity restraints.

    Do you want the 16 and 18 year olds there? If so, invite them both, if not, I wouldn't invite either, and that would save you dealing with the issue and give you more room in your budget for someone else you do want there. 

    Inviting in circles is not an etiquette requirement, but it does keep things clean. 
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  • lembasloverlembaslover member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    How would you feel if you were your 16 year old cousin who's sibling got invited but you didn't because of a 2 year difference? Personally I'd invite neither or both.

    We actually had a very similar situation where one cousin was 20 and the other 16. We chose to invite neither of them since we had an adults only wedding. There was a little bit of drama because while DH's aunt came her husband stayed home with the 16 year old. No one really admitted that it was to spite us or search for an invite but the way it was passed to us by word of mouth and then we got the RSVP a few days after the deadline it came off that way. We just brushed it off and told his aunt we were so happy she was able to make it.

    Not inviting people is probably going to cause some drama and it's really up to you to know your family and how much drama it's going to be and if you're willing to handle it. I think you're ok etiquette wise to not invite 1st cousins as you choose until you start splitting up siblings regardless of the age gap between the siblings.
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  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    marriedhamstermom said:
    How would you feel if you were your 16 year old cousin who's sibling got invited but you didn't because of a 2 year difference? Personally I'd invite neither or both.

    We actually had a very similar situation where one cousin was 20 and the other 16. We chose to invite neither of them since we had an adults only wedding. There was a little bit of drama because while DH's aunt came her husband stayed home with the 16 year old. No one really admitted that it was to spite us or search for an invite but the way it was passed to us by word of mouth and then we got the RSVP a few days after the deadline it came off that way. We just brushed it off and told his aunt we were so happy she was able to make it.

    Not inviting people is probably going to cause some drama and it's really up to you to know your family and how much drama it's going to be and if you're willing to handle it. I think you're ok etiquette wise to not invite 1st cousins as you choose until you start splitting up siblings regardless of the age gap between the siblings.
    The poor 16 year old. I'm sure if s/he was like most teens, s/he would have found plenty of ways to have fun in a house without parents for a night. They had to go and ruin that with their spite. ;)
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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    OP, if I were you, I would invite both the 18 year old and 16 year old so as to not split families. Etiquette wise, see above advice.
    FWIW, when I think of "adults only" I think of no small children. Teenagers I'm on the fence about. We were also having an adults only event, considering most of our friends have babies and toddlers, but one non-adult- a 14 year old second cousin- did make the cut due to family dynamics. She's mature, well-behaved, and appeared to have a great time. I don't think it's worth hurt feelings to exclude a 16 year old, but again that's my opinion. 
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  • twirlimatwirlima member
    First Comment

    First, I'd like to offer my opinion on your situation. I agree with those who say that if the 18 year old is living on his own like a true adult, then he can be invited without having to invite the 16 year old, otherwise I would invite them both so that the cut-off doesn't look arbitrary to your aunt and require an explanation that might cause tension.

    Now I have a similar question that I would like your opinion on. I would like an adults only wedding, too, but I have two first cousins who will only be 4 at the time. I've considered having them act as ring bearer and flower girl so that I have an excuse to have them there and hope no one else will be offended that they couldn't bring their kids, but I'm not even having a traditional bridal party--no bridesmaids or groomsmen. Do i invite them? If I do, should I include them in the ceremony?

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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    twirlima said:

    First, I'd like to offer my opinion on your situation. I agree with those who say that if the 18 year old is living on his own like a true adult, then he can be invited without having to invite the 16 year old, otherwise I would invite them both so that the cut-off doesn't look arbitrary to your aunt and require an explanation that might cause tension.

    Now I have a similar question that I would like your opinion on. I would like an adults only wedding, too, but I have two first cousins who will only be 4 at the time. I've considered having them act as ring bearer and flower girl so that I have an excuse to have them there and hope no one else will be offended that they couldn't bring their kids, but I'm not even having a traditional bridal party--no bridesmaids or groomsmen. Do i invite them? If I do, should I include them in the ceremony?

    If you ask the children to be your flower girl / ring bearer, then I don't understand why they wouldn't be included in the ceremony.

    If these 2 are your cousins, nobody else should be upset that you are inviting them and not their kids ... unless there are other first cousins you're not including.




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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    twirlima said:

    First, I'd like to offer my opinion on your situation. I agree with those who say that if the 18 year old is living on his own like a true adult, then he can be invited without having to invite the 16 year old, otherwise I would invite them both so that the cut-off doesn't look arbitrary to your aunt and require an explanation that might cause tension.

    Now I have a similar question that I would like your opinion on. I would like an adults only wedding, too, but I have two first cousins who will only be 4 at the time. I've considered having them act as ring bearer and flower girl so that I have an excuse to have them there and hope no one else will be offended that they couldn't bring their kids, but I'm not even having a traditional bridal party--no bridesmaids or groomsmen. Do i invite them? If I do, should I include them in the ceremony?

    In my family and DH's kids of the couple, WP members, siblings of the couple, nieces/nephews and often first cousins REGARDLESS of age are invited to family wedding.   Kids of friends, co-workers and cousins are generally NOT invited.    
    It's just standard practice in my social group and no one thinks twice about it.   Obviously it doesn't work in all social groups, but I think reasonable people understand why your aunt's kids are invited and not a say a co-worker's kid.

    That said, I think 4 is a reasonable age to say "no kids".  

    If they are OOT then I would consider inviting them.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    twirlima said:

    Now I have a similar question that I would like your opinion on. I would like an adults only wedding, too, but I have two first cousins who will only be 4 at the time. I've considered having them act as ring bearer and flower girl so that I have an excuse to have them there and hope no one else will be offended that they couldn't bring their kids, but I'm not even having a traditional bridal party--no bridesmaids or groomsmen. Do i invite them? If I do, should I include them in the ceremony?

    Only include them in your ceremony if you want to, because you have a relationship with them, and wish to honour them. Don't do it just because this is your "in". 

    Again, this is why making up arbitrary rules suck- you feel guilty for inviting or not inviting and feel the need to rationalize your choices. Invite who you want, don't invite who you don't. It's OK not to want ANY kids at your wedding, it's OK only to want SOME kids at your wedding. 

    You don't explain the rest of your guest demographic, but it sounds like these two kids are family, and the only young family members? Where as other children would be that of friends? It is 100% OK for you to invite these two young children, because you want them there, while not inviting anyone else's children (as long as you aren't splitting up families). If you wish to stick to circles, they would also fall into your "first cousin" circle. Or, "children of family only" circle. 

    lyndausvi makes a good point about being OOT. That is also another circle. The B&G may choose to extend the invite to children of OOT guests, knowing that travelling while leaving the kids at home is difficult and may cause guests to decline based on that. 
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited January 2016
    twirlima said:

    First, I'd like to offer my opinion on your situation. I agree with those who say that if the 18 year old is living on his own like a true adult, then he can be invited without having to invite the 16 year old, otherwise I would invite them both so that the cut-off doesn't look arbitrary to your aunt and require an explanation that might cause tension.

    Now I have a similar question that I would like your opinion on. I would like an adults only wedding, too, but I have two first cousins who will only be 4 at the time. I've considered having them act as ring bearer and flower girl so that I have an excuse to have them there and hope no one else will be offended that they couldn't bring their kids, but I'm not even having a traditional bridal party--no bridesmaids or groomsmen. Do i invite them? If I do, should I include them in the ceremony?

    That will still very likely cause tension and drama, because arbitrary cut off (adults only) is still arbitrary.

    Assuming the 18yro isn't living in the same house as the rest of his family, that doesn't mean that he has no communication with his family.  Therefore his parents and sibling are going to find out that the entire family is invited to the wedding, except the 16 year old.



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    twirlima said:

    First, I'd like to offer my opinion on your situation. I agree with those who say that if the 18 year old is living on his own like a true adult, then he can be invited without having to invite the 16 year old, otherwise I would invite them both so that the cut-off doesn't look arbitrary to your aunt and require an explanation that might cause tension.

    Now I have a similar question that I would like your opinion on. I would like an adults only wedding, too, but I have two first cousins who will only be 4 at the time. I've considered having them act as ring bearer and flower girl so that I have an excuse to have them there and hope no one else will be offended that they couldn't bring their kids, but I'm not even having a traditional bridal party--no bridesmaids or groomsmen. Do i invite them? If I do, should I include them in the ceremony?

    Just an FYI, plenty of "true adults" live with their parents.   That doesn't make them any less adult.

    I don't know if that was the intent here but I just wanted to put that out there in case people are trying to decide what makes a person a true adult.   Being 18 makes the person a true adult.    


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  • twirlimatwirlima member
    First Comment
    Sorry, I definitely didn't mean to imply anything negative. I have adult friends who live with their parents. I just know there was a lot of recent drama in my family over wedding invites. My aunt understood why her daughter who is still in college and otherwise lives at home would be included in the "family" invite, but felt her other daughter, who has a career out of town, should not have been, and should have had her own invitation. I saw a parallel in this situation. And that still leaves the question of what makes a person an adult up for discussion, which seems to be the heart of the issue.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Why is an adults only wedding important to you?  If it is about alcohol, the cutoff age should be 21, not 18.  18 seems arbitrary.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    You don't need a reason to cut the guest list to a minimum.  Setting an arbitrary age limit of 18 in pointless, though.  You don't need to be of legal age to attend a wedding.  21 is still the legal age for drinking alcohol in the USA.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    twirlima said:

    Sorry, I definitely didn't mean to imply anything negative. I have adult friends who live with their parents. I just know there was a lot of recent drama in my family over wedding invites. My aunt understood why her daughter who is still in college and otherwise lives at home would be included in the "family" invite, but felt her other daughter, who has a career out of town, should not have been, and should have had her own invitation. I saw a parallel in this situation. And that still leaves the question of what makes a person an adult up for discussion, which seems to be the heart of the issue.

    In that situation, both children should have received their own invitations.

    In the OP's case, if she wants to cut costs I'm not understanding the 3 young attendants as OK but two teens are the tipping point.
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    scribe95 said:
    Seriously, OP said it was about finances. Trying to cut guest list. Perfectly valid reason. 18 is when a person is no longer a minor, can vote etc. Not really arbitrary.
    It's totally arbitrary when that cut off means you're inviting 3 out of 4 ppl in a family, and there's only a two year difference between the one being excluded and the other child.  Maybe the OP isn't close to this family or doesn't care if ppl get offended, but I would not go about this situation in this way.

    Cut out favors, reduce your flowers, downgrade your linens or something else if 2 teens are going to throw you over budget, imo.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited January 2016
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    scribe95 said:
    Seriously, OP said it was about finances. Trying to cut guest list. Perfectly valid reason. 18 is when a person is no longer a minor, can vote etc. Not really arbitrary.
    It's totally arbitrary when that cut off means you're inviting 3 out of 4 ppl in a family, and there's only a two year difference between the one being excluded and the other child.  Maybe the OP isn't close to this family or doesn't care if ppl get offended, but I would not go about this situation in this way.

    Cut out favors, reduce your flowers, downgrade your linens or something else if 2 teens are going to throw you over budget, imo.
    There may not be anything more she can cut out to fit in 2 more people, whether or not they are teens - especially if prices are fixed and not per person.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I  personally find an age that specifically blocks 1-2 people only 2 years younger as arbitrary.    It's pretty much targeting those potential guests.

    In the US, guest wise an 18 year old and a 16 year old are not all that different.  It's not like 18 is the cut off for drinking. 






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Jen4948 said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    scribe95 said:
    Seriously, OP said it was about finances. Trying to cut guest list. Perfectly valid reason. 18 is when a person is no longer a minor, can vote etc. Not really arbitrary.
    It's totally arbitrary when that cut off means you're inviting 3 out of 4 ppl in a family, and there's only a two year difference between the one being excluded and the other child.  Maybe the OP isn't close to this family or doesn't care if ppl get offended, but I would not go about this situation in this way.

    Cut out favors, reduce your flowers, downgrade your linens or something else if 2 teens are going to throw you over budget, imo.
    There may not be anything more she can cut out to fit in 2 more people, whether or not they are teens - especially if prices are fixed and not per person.
    I don't quite follow. . . even if prices are fixed, cutting out your favors, cutting out or back on flowers, downgrading your cake, cutting out or downgrading any other related costs would give you additional money to put towards your reception costs.

    lyndausvi said:
    Jen4948 said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    scribe95 said:
    Seriously, OP said it was about finances. Trying to cut guest list. Perfectly valid reason. 18 is when a person is no longer a minor, can vote etc. Not really arbitrary.
    It's totally arbitrary when that cut off means you're inviting 3 out of 4 ppl in a family, and there's only a two year difference between the one being excluded and the other child.  Maybe the OP isn't close to this family or doesn't care if ppl get offended, but I would not go about this situation in this way.

    Cut out favors, reduce your flowers, downgrade your linens or something else if 2 teens are going to throw you over budget, imo.
    There may not be anything more she can cut out to fit in 2 more people, whether or not they are teens - especially if prices are fixed and not per person.
    This is where I think people fail big time.   

    I never had to cut people.  WHY?  Because I figured out my guest list (+10% for unknowns) BEFORE I picked a venue.  

     I picked a venue that could hold my guest list for our budget.  What a concept.


    Those people who pick out venues and they try to fit their guests list to that more often than not have these types of issues.

    Those of us who pick a venue based on budget AND guest list rarely have these issues.  We are not scrambling around to cut people.  We either cut them before  picking the venue or they are included.  Simple and stress free.



    ETA - this rant is more for lurkers on how they can safe themselves some wedding planning stress.

    This.

    My reception budget, which was about 60% of my entire budget, dictated how much I had left to spend on all the other components of the wedding.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • ScottishSarahScottishSarah member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments First Answer
    lyndausvi said:
    This is where I think people fail big time.   

    I never had to cut people.  WHY?  Because I figured out my guest list (+10% for unknowns) BEFORE I picked a venue.  

     I picked a venue that could hold my guest list for our budget.  What a concept.


    Those people who pick out venues and they try to fit their guests list to that more often than not have these types of issues.

    Those of us who pick a venue based on budget AND guest list rarely have these issues.  We are not scrambling around to cut people.  We either cut them before  picking the venue or they are included.  Simple and stress free.



    ETA - this rant is more for lurkers on how they can safe themselves some wedding planning stress.
    I totally agree with the above.  

    We picked a venue with various flexible spaces so we could easily double or triple our guest count without running out of space.  (we actually went from 40 guests to over 100!)  And the hire cost was much cheaper than other more inflexible alternatives!  As an added bonus the venue also allows us to chose our own caterer so money could be saved in food costs (e.g. BBQ instead of plated) should the need arise.  

    When we were looking for our venue this was our top criteria as I didn't want to be in any uncomfortable family situations further down the line.  I know this doesn't help the OP now but it would be my top tip for venue selection if you are worried about having to exclude family members.

    Also I think the 16 year olds should be invited, especially if there is just a few of them. 
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