Save the Dates vs. RSVP

Knottie1438368909 · January 2016

Good morning to all!

I have been reading up on what to include on the save the dates and have seen mixed reviews on this subject.

Our wedding is on Labor Day Sunday of September 2016 and most of our guests will be coming from 3+ hours away. FI thinks we should include more information than usual such as hotel options, the exact location of the hall and to ask people to respond as to whether or not they plan to attend. I’ve told him that “usually” we’re not supposed to ask for an RSVP off a Save the Date, however I don’t think it’s a bad idea either. Hotels book up extremely fast in Montreal, especially over a holiday weekend. Many have never been to the city and some have actually already started booking their rooms assuming they’re invited (which they are).

Pretty much, how much info is too much on a Save the date, and how early can we start asking people if they are attending. I do plan on sending formal invitations closer to the date with more detailed information, but he thinks our guests should be as informed as possible from the get-go. Suggestions?

** please note that website/emailing isn’t really an option for this additional info, a lot of these guests live in the country and don’t have access to that type of communication.

Thanks in advance !

FutureWooly · January 2016

I don't see an issue with including information about your Hotel Block with the STD especially since that is a holiday weekend and rooms may book fast. However you definitely should not ask for an RSVP from a STD.

STDs are a way for guests to plan ahead and know that there is an event coming up especially for what may be an already busy weekend. They are a courtesy to your guest not an actual invitation (that being said if someone gets a STD they MUST get an invite) and since STD go out further in advance then most people actually can plan for vacation time and such through work there is no way for most people to know that far in advance either way.

Maggie0829 · January 2016

Don't ask for them to RSVP on the STD. STDs go out about a year before so asking for a definitive answer that far out is ridiculous. A STD usually provides the date of your wedding, location and website info (which then will have your lodging info, etc). But since many of your guests don't have access to the internet then I would include lodging options on the back of the STD.

So the front will be whatever design/picture you want plus your date/location. On the back you can list lodging options as well as your wedding website (if you are going to have one) for those that can access it. I mean other then that I really don't think that there is any other necessary information that they need this far in advance.

Knottie1438368909 · January 2016

Okay that's more or less what I had in mind. I told FI that even if we did ask for RSVP's, odds are people won't answer so soon or may change their minds at a later date. Luckily his older brother recently got married and all but 2 people attended, so that gives us an idea of how many people might RSVP in the end. We're just trying to be as close to the actual head count for our caterer/rentals etc.
Also, is it necessary to send STD's to everyone? I mean, friends we see every week and close family obviously know what's going on, is this more for the ones we don't talk to regularly, or should I be sending every intended guest a STD and an invite ? (Of course, everyone will get an invite no matter what)

Knottie1438368909 · January 2016

Oh, and also we have established that it will be a no kids wedding. Should that be mentioned on the STD's or is it purely for the invitations? I'm sure it will change some peoples' answers on whether or not they can attend.

justsie · January 2016

To answer your questions no, save the dates don't have to go to everyone. Most people will send them only to VIPs or to people who might have to make more arrangements to attend and would benefit from an earlier notice. Save the dates in general are not required, many people skip them all together for a phone call or just send invitations when the time comes.
You should not mention anywhere, invitation, website, etc. that the wedding will not have kids. You simply address the invitation and save the date for the people who are invited. So you would put Mr and Mrs Jones on the initiation and not the Jones family.

Knottie1438368909 · January 2016

Sounds pretty straight forward. Thanks Justsie.

And yes I know save the dates are not required, but like I said a lot of the family live in the country and even just getting them by phone or email can be a hassle, so at least this way they can get a heads up on what/when to expect it. FI is actually the one who suggested it, he knows his family best !

Maggie0829 · January 2016

You should always plan for 100% attendance. Always. It is always better to plan for 200 guests to attend and then only have 150 RSVP yes, then plan for 150 to attend and 200 actually RSVP yes.

Knottie1438368909 · January 2016

Oh yes I definitely agree. And I hope they can all attend. somehow word of mouth goes a long way, I just want to make sure everyone is fully informed. The last wedding I attended included most of the same guests and there were a lot of people who were in the dark about how the day was planned out and the bride and groom ended up having to run around and help the guests with last minute plans i.e. lodging, directions,.. luckily my FI was one of the groomsmen and he stepped up and helped save the day. Thus, he is VERY involved and thorough in the planning of our own wedding and wants everyone fully aware of the layout of the day.

Maggie0829 · January 2016

Knottie1438368909 said:

Oh yes I definitely agree. And I hope they can all attend. somehow word of mouth goes a long way, I just want to make sure everyone is fully informed. The last wedding I attended included most of the same guests and there were a lot of people who were in the dark about how the day was planned out and the bride and groom ended up having to run around and help the guests with last minute plans i.e. lodging, directions,.. luckily my FI was one of the groomsmen and he stepped up and helped save the day. Thus, he is VERY involved and thorough in the planning of our own wedding and wants everyone fully aware of the layout of the day.

Were the guests not told the location of the wedding? It is not the responsibility of the couple to help their guests figure out travel, lodging, etc. That is the responsibility of the guests. If you provide them with the date, the time, and the location then you have done your job. Is it nice to maybe make a room block or two or tell your guests "hey X and Y hotel are really nice"? Sure. But it is not necessary and if your guests can't figure their own crap out then it isn't your responsibility to figure it out for them.

Knottie1438368909 · January 2016

I know it's not our responsibility, but knowing how some of them are, there are some who will show up for the ceremony, then when we come around to say our hello's and thank you's, will ask us where's a good place to "crash" and then be surprised when we say they had to book a room somewhere (yes, this happened at the last wedding).

We are leaving our house, as well as both my parents and his parents' houses open to guests just in case, but it's still a 30 minute drive from the venue and I don't want anyone drinking and driving. Just want to make sure everyone knows they should book ASAP. Our hotel in particular only has a few rooms left already.

Maggie0829 · January 2016

Knottie1438368909 said:

I know it's not our responsibility, but knowing how some of them are, there are some who will show up for the ceremony, then when we come around to say our hello's and thank you's, will ask us where's a good place to "crash" and then be surprised when we say they had to book a room somewhere (yes, this happened at the last wedding).

We are leaving our house, as well as both my parents and his parents' houses open to guests just in case, but it's still a 30 minute drive from the venue and I don't want anyone drinking and driving. Just want to make sure everyone knows they should book ASAP. Our hotel in particular only has a few rooms left already.

Oh well, too bad for them.

And I really don't think the second bolded is a good idea. I mean are you really okay with an unknown number of people possibly crashing at your house the night of your wedding?

Look you can only do so much for people. These guests are adults. If they don't book in time or "forget" to book or what have you then it is on them. So instead of catering to their dumbness, I would just provide the information and then wash your hands of it.

lyndausvi · January 2016

Are you having room blocks? I had an OOT wedding for all the guests, at a resort beach town. We put room block information on our STD card (went out 9 month prior).

Every other month or so the hotels would update us on the room block. Between that and word of mouth I had a pretty good idea what our final counts would be before the final RSVPs came in.

Knottie1438368909 · January 2016

I've inquired about room blocks. Some hotels have told us they don't do it. The one we're staying at says we have to book and pay in advance, and if they don't all get booked then that's too bad for me. And most have said since it's a long weekend, that I have to book and pay for 2 nights. At a few hundred dollars per night per room, that's not a risk I'm willing to take. So I want to just put a few hotel options and let the guests figure it out.

As for our houses being open to guests. I guess that was pretty vague. It would be open to family members who might not want to pay for a hotel. OOT aunts, uncles, or even my father in law who I know is a little short on cash so I don't want to force him to pay for a room when he can just stay at our house. My parents will be driving back to their house anyway so it's not like if those guests would be left unattended to raid their home bar lol!

I guess I'm in that zone where I'm trying to accommodate so many people that I'm forgetting to do what's best for us. We want the day to be perfect for everyone, not just us

CMGragain · January 2016

Eliminate the word "perfect" from your vocabulary. No wedding is perfect. If you think that yours will be perfect, you are due for a big disappointment and a lot of stress.

holyguacamole79 · January 2016

Knottie1438368909 said:

I guess I'm in that zone where I'm trying to accommodate so many people that I'm forgetting to do what's best for us. We want the day to be perfect for everyone, not just us

CMGragain said:

Eliminate the word "perfect" from your vocabulary. No wedding is perfect. If you think that yours will be perfect, you are due for a big disappointment and a lot of stress.

THIS.

OP, I know you mean well ... I think you're buying trouble for yourself.

Our save the date had our website on it, which is where we had the hotel information. Considering your wedding is over a holiday weekend, I suggest adding wording such as, "If you plan on traveling to join us, please be aware that hotels will book quickly due to the holiday weekend." For the relatives who aren't likely to use the website, I suggest an insert with hotel information.

My parents & my sister stayed in our house on our wedding night (they had stayed there the day leading up to it, and we had already agreed they would stay there on the wedding night). There was no way in hell that I'd be okay with others crashing there. At the time DH had his own apartment, and he offered to let one of his friends stay there since he knew this friend was short on cash. Those were both pre-arranged.

If someone said that to us at our wedding reception, I would've just said "gosh, I'm not really sure what to tell you."

Knottie1438368909 said:

Oh, and also we have established that it will be a no kids wedding. Should that be mentioned on the STD's or is it purely for the invitations? I'm sure it will change some peoples' answers on whether or not they can attend.

Regarding this - nowhere on your invites, STDs, or wedding website should it say "Adults only" or "no kids". Address the STDs (and invites) to the adults. If you expect there to be an issue, tell the family gossip to spread the word.

If someone RSVPs and indicates that there are 5 people in their family joining and you only invited the parents, call them back and say, "We are only able to accomodate Joe and Susan. We hope to see you!"

Considering that it's a holiday weekend and you'll have a fair % of guests traveling 3+ hours to come, don't be surprised if people decline over the no kids part.

charlotte989875 · January 2016

I also got married on a along holiday weekend and there was a huge marathon through the city on Sunday (we had a Friday wedding). We sent STDs to almost everyone and included our website as well as the name and phone numbers of the room blocks. We detailed how rooms fill up quickly that weekend on the website and MIL offered to call older family members on Hs side to let them know (I called my side). If you do room blocks tell guests when the cutoff is before they get released, offer suggestions for locations in varying price ranges, and then leave it be. As @holyguacamole79 said, they're adults they can figure out their own travel plans; no need to borrow this trouble. If people ask for suggestions/recommendations/advice by all means give it to them, but don't go out of your way to plan their trip for them. Not your responsibility.

ILoveBeachMusic · January 2016

Agree with PP about including wording about it being a holiday weekend and hotels book up quickly. My daughter was married on Labor Day weekend last year. We sent Save-the-Dates to just about everyone (most of guest list was OOT) so they could book rooms. Included website info on STD. If we couldn't rely on website I would've included the hotel info on STD. No you aren't responsible for people's accommodations, but giving them a heads up will help make sure people you want there will be there.

Save the Dates vs. RSVP

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