WWTKD

Re: WWTKD

• OliveOilsMom member

  

  January 2016

  Knottie1451777554 said:

  TL;DR: Asked to be in friends wedding. Friend is marrying friend of my abusive ex, who will also be there with many of his friends. I will probably know no one else and my H can't attend with me. Having anxiety and second thoughts about attending.
  
  Hi Everyone,
  
  Longtime lurker looking for honest advice here:
  
  One of my best friends, who was a BM in my wedding, is getting married and has asked me to be a BM.
  
  Friend is marrying the best friend of my ex-bf. They are wonderful together and I am over-the-moon happy for them.
  
  Ex-bf will likely be in the wedding party as well.
  
  Initially, I was completely comfortable with this, because my H would be there with me (friend and I really don't have any mutual friends and the only people I would know at the wedding are all of my ex-bf's friends and likely some of his family too. The groom was super close with ex-bf's family since they are best friends)
  
  However, my H and I have recently learned that he will be deployed during this wedding and unable to attend with me.
  
  This wouldn't be an issue were it not for the background between my ex and I. It was not an amicable break-up. He was abusive during the 3 years we were together off and on. Would often tell me I was dirt and not worthy of love. Tried to push me down a flight of stairs at one point. Cheated on me several times. This relationship was a catalyst to a long bout of depression for me. Ex made up lies to his friends and family about me, making me sound completely crazy.
  
  Friend and ex's friend got together a year after ex and I broke up (they met on Match having no idea what the connection was).
  
  Originally, I was comfortable because H would be there. Now, he won't and the idea of being in a room with ex, all of his friends, and probably a couple of his family members without anyone I know (besides the bride) is making me very uncomfortable. The wedding isn't until 2017, and I am already having anxiety about it.
  
  In case it matters, I have not seen ex since 2012. Yes, H's deployment could change, but he says it is unlikely and I don't want to count on that.
  
  Friend means the world to me and I want to be supportive. However, I am also concerned that this would not be a good situation for me to be in if I am already having anxiety about it. But to not be a part of her wedding for this reason feels very selfish, especially since she was in mine.
  
  I have not voiced concerns to friend for a specific reason: I believe that she would share them with her FI and he would share them with ex. I have reason to be concerned because other things have been shared after me asking them not to be.
  
  Obviously I will have to talk to her bout it eventually, but I'm not ready to do that. So I am asking you all for your unbiased opinions and advice.
  
  Thank you for taking the time to read. 
  

  
  My advice is to either just attend the ceremony and pictures, then skip the reception or ask the bride if you can bring someone else to the wedding.  I'm assuming that your best friend would know all about the trouble your ex gave you AND believes you regardless what your ex says.  This bride should understand that your comfort should be of utmost importance.  If you were my friend I would allow you any plus one, since your H couldn't attend.

  However, if your anxiety intensifies and your health begins to go down, I would drop out of the wedding.  Your friend should understand, I know I would.  Health of a person comes before a fancy party.

  

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• Lilypad51021580 member

  

  January 2016

  OliveOilsMom said:

  
  

  
  My advice is to either just attend the ceremony and pictures, then skip the reception or ask the bride if you can bring someone else to the wedding.  I'm assuming that your best friend would know all about the trouble your ex gave you AND believes you regardless what your ex says.  This bride should understand that your comfort should be of utmost importance.  If you were my friend I would allow you any plus one, since your H couldn't attend.

  However, if your anxiety intensifies and your health begins to go down, I would drop out of the wedding.  Your friend should understand, I know I would.  Health of a person comes before a fancy party.

  That's great advice and what I had considered doing (just ceremony and pics), but attending the wedding requires a flight and hotel, as I live on the west coast and the wedding is on the east coast (USA). It feels like a lot of money to spend for a 30 min ceremony and a few pics. But it's something to think about.
  

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  January 2016

  Knottie1451777554 said:

  OliveOilsMom said:

  
  

  
  My advice is to either just attend the ceremony and pictures, then skip the reception or ask the bride if you can bring someone else to the wedding.  I'm assuming that your best friend would know all about the trouble your ex gave you AND believes you regardless what your ex says.  This bride should understand that your comfort should be of utmost importance.  If you were my friend I would allow you any plus one, since your H couldn't attend.

  However, if your anxiety intensifies and your health begins to go down, I would drop out of the wedding.  Your friend should understand, I know I would.  Health of a person comes before a fancy party.

  That's great advice and what I had considered doing (just ceremony and pics), but attending the wedding requires a flight and hotel, as I live on the west coast and the wedding is on the east coast (USA). It feels like a lot of money to spend for a 30 min ceremony and a few pics. But it's something to think about.
  

  
  That information changes my advice then.  Especially since you are traveling, I would ask for a different plus one.  Stay for the whole thing, but also ask to be seated far from where your ex and his family would be seated.

  

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• holyguacamole79 member

  

  January 2016

  Especially since it involves a plane ticket, I wouldn't go.  I have pretty bad anxiety, and I don't think I'd want to pay for a plane ticket & accomodations as well as extra Xanax.  

  
  
  
  
  

  

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• thefanciestbeckler member

  

  January 2016

  Yep I agree with PP. You should ask if she minds you bringing someone else with you since your husband can't attend. That is a completely reasonable request in my opinion. When I was planning my wedding I told all of the bridal party that they could bring someone else if their S/Os or spouses couldn't attend.
  

  
  

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• lembaslover member

  

  January 2016

  I agree with PPs and would either ask to bring someone else or not go. I had a few people including my MOH who before RSVPs were due knew their SO couldn't come and I told all of them they could bring someone else if they wished. 

  

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• kvruns member

  

  January 2016

  I may have missed it in the OP, but is your friend aware of the abuse from the ex?

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• bethsmiles member

  

  January 2016

  kvruns said:

  I may have missed it in the OP, but is your friend aware of the abuse from the ex?

  I'm wondering this as well. I would never, never have someone in my wedding who abused my friend (oh anyone really). How does her FI even stay friends with someone like that? Let alone best friends?
  
  To answer your question: I probably would not attend.

  
  

  
  

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• thisismynickname2 member

  

  January 2016

  Knottie1451777554 said:

  
  
  Friend means the world to me and I want to be supportive. However, I am also concerned that this would not be a good situation for me to be in if I am already having anxiety about it. But to not be a part of her wedding for this reason feels very selfish, especially since she was in mine.
  
  I have not voiced concerns to friend for a specific reason: I believe that she would share them with her FI and he would share them with ex. I have reason to be concerned because other things have been shared after me asking them not to be.
  
  

  What. The. Fuck.
  
  This is so entirely inappropriate a) for any friend and b) when it comes to an abusive ex for goodness sakes!
  
  That makes me question your friendship with her, not just question this entire situation. 
  Best case scenario, go with any plus one you're comfortable with or don't go at all. Worst case, re-evaluate your friendship with people who don't respect you in such a bad situation. 

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• Sherbie25 member

  

  January 2016

  In my opinion, if she has shared things in he past after you have asked her not to, she is not a good friend. If she would tell her fiancé your concerns after you ask her not to she is not a good friend. If she knows about the abuse and is still happy to have him there, knowing you will have to be around him and his family, she is a shitty friend. Spend your time with people who don't give you mental health problems. Best of luck X 

  

  
  

  
  

  

  
  
  
  

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• JediElizabeth member

  

  January 2016 edited January 2016

  Knottie1451777554 said:

  
  But to not be a part of her wedding for this reason feels very selfish, especially since she was in mine.
  
  I have not voiced concerns to friend for a specific reason: I believe that she would share them with her FI and he would share them with ex. I have reason to be concerned because other things have been shared after me asking them not to be.
  

  PPs have it covered, but I want to add 2 things:
  
  1. You are NOT selfish for wanting to keep yourself (mentally & emotionally) safe from your ex. If you decide not to go because of him, that's a 100% valid decision that you should not feel bad for.
  
  2. You don't have to tell her the details, even if you don't go. This is a very private issue, and even if you trusted her not to tell anyone, you wouldn't be obliged to explain it to her.
  edit: and you don't have to justify it here. Was the point of that second one.

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• Lilypad51021580 member

  

  January 2016

  Sorry to disappear for a bit.  To answer some questions:
  
  My friend knows about abuse. The issue is, ex has lied to everyone about the situation. Because I was depressed, I was on Zoloft and Xanax. He told everyone that I was on meds and therefore, anything I said wasn't credible. I never got to know his friends very well because he wasn't one to include his girlfriend in things he did with his friends. Therefore, I believe it was pretty easy for them to take his word over mine. My friend's FI has.
  
  As for things not staying between my friend and I, she is one who tells her FI everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) and has always been kind of gossipy. Ugh....I feel like I am painting her in a terrible light with that statement. She's been a wonderful friend to me, I just can't trust that she wouldn't share this with her FI. She is just very much the kind of girl who would do anything not to lose her FI, therefore I don't think she would ever object to him being friends with someone who treated her friend like shit.
  
  Her FI and my ex have been friends since high school, so for me there is no question as to why he is still friends with this guy. Not to mention I'm 99% certain that he believes that my ex was never abusive.
  
  
  

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• holyguacamole79 member

  

  January 2016

  Knottie1451777554 said:

  Sorry to disappear for a bit.  To answer some questions:
  
  My friend knows about abuse. The issue is, ex has lied to everyone about the situation. Because I was depressed, I was on Zoloft and Xanax. He told everyone that I was on meds and therefore, anything I said wasn't credible. I never got to know his friends very well because he wasn't one to include his girlfriend in things he did with his friends. Therefore, I believe it was pretty easy for them to take his word over mine. My friend's FI has.
  
  As for things not staying between my friend and I, she is one who tells her FI everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) and has always been kind of gossipy. Ugh....I feel like I am painting her in a terrible light with that statement. She's been a wonderful friend to me, I just can't trust that she wouldn't share this with her FI. She is just very much the kind of girl who would do anything not to lose her FI, therefore I don't think she would ever object to him being friends with someone who treated her friend like shit.
  
  Her FI and my ex have been friends since high school, so for me there is no question as to why he is still friends with this guy. Not to mention I'm 99% certain that he believes that my ex was never abusive.
  
  
  

  To the bolded ....
  
  
  There is something to be said about not keeping secrets from your spouse.  HOWEVER, there is a line that shouldn't be crossed.  If this friend's FI knows and takes the side of the ex, this friend needs to be sensitive to the situation.   
  
  I now absolutely stand by my original advice.  Decline.  

  
  
  
  
  

  

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• RomanceManaged member

  

  January 2016

  So, this isn't exactly the same situation, but I wanted to add some of my personal experience. I was married before, and we had the most wonderful little boy a mom could ask for. My husband was a terrible man, and emotionally battered me once the "honeymoon phase" wore off. Then, one day, he strangled our child. My son is fine, happy and healthy now, but we are currently waiting for prosecution in our county so this d-bag is out in the world, in fact in the same city as my very best friend and mother.
  
  BFF had her baby shower over the summer, and my mom got married the day after. They both live in the same zip code as my ex husband, and I had an anxiety attack the whole three hour drive back there. i never saw him, but the idea that I might brought me absolute terror, and panic. When I got there I had to take another dose of my xanax and go to sleep because I literally could not function.
  
  This being said, i honestly cannot imagine being in the same room as him, having to see him over a crowd. Honestly, I wouldn't go. I would apologise, probably send the money i would have spent on a plane ticket and lodging as a wedding gift, and hope that someday they understand. You cannot fault yourself for wanting to feel safe.

  
  

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• SP29 member

  

  January 2016

  The more you let us know what is up, the less I like this....
  
  He never let you meet his friends? Wouldn't that be weird for his friends too? Hey Dan, you keep mentioning this girl you're dating, but how come we've never met her? Oh- because that's what people who emotionally manipulate do- he's kept his "lives" very separate.
  
  Being on Zoloft and Xanax does not make you incompetent or lack capacity. Man... that makes me mad. I mean, I get that no one wants to think that their dear friend/ son/ brother/ whatever is an abusive jerk, but that's a terrible excuse that anyone should see through. 
  
  I would very strongly consider declining. Sounds like there is a lot of potential drama to be had and your health and well being aren't worth it. You don't have to tell your friend more than you want to. The *only* way I would consider going (and there is only 10% of me that says "OK, go"), is if you can bring someone else with you that you will be sitting with this person during the reception (not stuck at the head table by yourself), and you are seated far away from ex. 

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• STARMOON44 member

  

  January 2016

  Decline. "Sorry, as you know, ex abused me, so obviously I cannot attend since he will be there."

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• Lilypad51021580 member

  

  January 2016

  Thanks for the advice guys. I am still not 100% sure on how I am going to approach this, but if I choose not to attend, I feel much more confident about making that decision after hearing your input.
  
  To clarify: As for not meeting his friends, I met them and was invited to hang out with them two or three times over the course of three years.  So they know me, but don;t really know me. Only whatever bullshit he told them. Make sense?
  

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• drunkenwitch member

  

  January 2016

  Oh honey, don't go. Please don't go. I understand you love your friend, my friends are my family and I would do almost anything for them.
  
  BUT
  
  But, you have to take care of yourself, putting yourself in the same room as the man who abused you is not worth it. Any friend worth having will understand.

  

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• lc07 member

  

  January 2016

  STARMOON44 said:

  Decline. "Sorry, as you know, ex abused me, so obviously I cannot attend since he will be there."

  This. Except, I wouldn't say sorry. 

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• lnixon8 member

  

  January 2016

  Don't go. Even if you only go for ceremony and pictures you're still going to be spending time with/around him because he's your friends FI BM. I would think the reception would be the easy part since you can stay away.
  
  And even if you get to bring a different plus one.. would that person being around you to take pictures actually help? (Not rhetorical or snarky, I actually don't know if that would help the situation)

  
  
  

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• photokitty mod

  

  January 2016

  I wouldn't care of it was my sister's wedding, if my abusive ex was on the guest list I would decline. I already go to great lengths to avoid running into him, and haven't seen him since. There is no way I'd fly across the country to have to be in the same room with him. Screw that.
  
  I imagine getting over this took time and therapy (it did for me). Do you really want to risk having to go through those emotions all over again?
  
  No friendship is worth your mental health.
  
  You are important, never forget it.
  
  Decline.

  ~xoxo~

  
  

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• banana468 member

  

  January 2016

  No way would I go.   If I thought that my ex was that manipulative that a room full of people doubted me I wouldn't attend.
  
  I hate to say this but I'd probably let the friendship fade a bit.   I'd love my friend but would not put myself in a situation where my actions are consistently doubted. 

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• kimmiinthemitten member

  

  January 2016

  Abusive people are very manipulative and are often times the last person their loved ones will believe was harmful.  You're asking if you should fly solo across the country to not only be in the same room/spend the day with the partner who abused you, but all of his friends, including the groom, whom he has manipulated into believing you were the offending party in this relationship.
  
  Do not go, not only for your physical, but most importantly, your emotional security.  He is not the only person at that wedding you'll have to protect yourself from I'm afraid.
  
  Your friends reaction will tell you all you need to know about your friendship.

  
  

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• randomslove member

  

  January 2016

  I am so sorry. As someone who has been discredited for abuse done against me because I was on meds and, thus, must be "crazy," I sympathize with you. I see medication as a sign that someone is aware of problems they may have and is responsible enough to seek help. Too many people won't out of fear.
  
  That being said, I'm on the side of not going. You don't need to be there. I find it really strange that she would ask that of you knowing any of the history. I've had crazy exes who, knowing I'm in the same city as them, would be tempted to track me down. Personally, I'd be nervous being in the same city as someone like that. If you're anything like me (which you may very well not be), you probably shouldn't go.
  
  If your friend really cares for you so much, she'll understand why it's a bad idea for you to go. You need to take care of yourself before you can be there for someone else.
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

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• Lilypad51021580 member

  

  January 2016

  You guys have brought up some really important things that I have been thinking about. @photokitty hit the nail on the head. I went to counseling for a year afterwards (not necessarily for the relationship, but just for my general depression...which was precipitated largely by the relationship). I finally have my anxiety under control to the point where I can manage it without medication. I do not want to undo a lot of the progress I have made.
  
  I am strongly leaning towards not going. The only reason I can think of to go is to be there for a dear friend. I am thinking that I could maybe do that in other ways without being at the wedding, perhaps visiting her sometime in the months leading up to it. If she is anything less than supportive of my decision,considering the circumstances, then maybe this is a friendship that has run its course; as much as that would suck.
  
  Thank you guys so much for taking the time to help me work through this, and sharing your own takes on the situation. It's helpful to have unbiased 3rd party input to help me get some perspective.
  
  
  
  

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• thefanciestbeckler member

  

  January 2016

  Change your name and stick around, Knottie #'s. I like you.
  

  
  

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• holyguacamole79 member

  

  January 2016

  I wanna hug you, Knottie#s.
  
  

  
  
  
  
  

  

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• Lilypad51021580 member

  

  January 2016

  @thefanciestbeckler Done! I like you guys too.
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  January 2016

  I see that you may have already made a decision, but I'd like to chime in.  First, I'd definitely decline being a bridesmaid.  Now, you have some time before you decide if you want to attend.  You can wait until the invitation arrives and re-evaluate.  If I were you, I'd probably decline then too, but you'd have time to decide.

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• drunkenwitch member

  

  January 2016

  Please tell me your user name is a How I Met Your Mother reference.

  

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